Romantic Gangster

#23

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“I haven’t done that.”

“What do you mean you haven’t? You’ve been doing it all day today.”

“When did I?”

“Wow, this is unbelievable.”

“When did I pretend not to know you?”

“When? I’m telling you, all day!”

“So tell me when I deliberately ignored you.”

“Hey, do you think I can’t tell you if you ask? There are so many instances I can’t even organize them all.”

Hyun-joon, listing all the things that made him feel hurt throughout the day, mentally numbered them:

———-

Not asking me to go together and going to the vending machine with just Choi Young-jae.

Not acknowledging me during breaks.

Suddenly just studying instead of hanging out together even though there was plenty of time left during lunch. (+Chatting with Young-jae while doing so.)

Coldly turning away at the school gate, saying you had to stop by Young-jae’s house.

———-

He was about to start with number 1, but thinking about it, strictly speaking, it wasn’t ‘ignoring’ him, so he felt a bit embarrassed to say it. The same went for numbers 2, 3, and 4. Seo Ji-woo hadn’t deliberately ignored him or treated him like he didn’t exist. He was just less affectionate than yesterday.

“Go on, tell me quickly.”

“…”

“You said there were many instances.”

“…”

“Why aren’t you saying anything? If there’s something I need to apologize for, I will.”

Ah, I’m screwed, damn it. He seems angry. Seeing Ji-woo looking up at him with tightly closed lips and eyes devoid of warmth, Hyun-joon broke into a cold sweat. He moistened his dry lips and let out a short breath.

“Okay, even if you didn’t blatantly ignore me or pretend not to know me, you did avoid me, right?”

“When did I avoid you?”

“If you didn’t avoid me, then why…! Why…”

“…”

“Why did you change so much? You weren’t like this until yesterday. Why, why suddenly… Ah, damn. Really… This is so embarrassing, do I really have to say this?”

Feeling childish and so embarrassed he thought he might go crazy, Hyun-joon bent his body halfway and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them and straightening up again. Having come this far and already started talking, he thought it would be better to just spit it out even if it was embarrassing and his pride hit rock bottom. He didn’t want to keep feeling depressed while guessing without knowing the reason.

“Why did you suddenly stop talking to me, stop asking me to do things together, and only go home with that guy?”

“…Ah…”

“What’s with that reaction? Isn’t that the sound you make when you think, ‘I thought he wouldn’t notice, but he caught on to everything’? Like, ‘Ah, I’ve been found out.’ Isn’t it something like that?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it?”

Ji-woo slowly exhaled and gathered his thoughts before speaking. Honestly, he hadn’t expected Hyun-joon to interpret his actions this way or to ask why he was doing it, so he was a bit taken aback.

“My goal from the beginning was to get you to come to school, right? Fortunately, you’ve started coming to school regularly now, and it seems like you’ve adapted well, so I thought I should stop bothering you.”

“What?”

“I’ve done everything I can do.”

Hyun-joon was at a loss for words at this completely unexpected answer. He even felt a bit dejected. It sounded like Ji-woo was saying he had completed his mission of getting Hyun-joon to come to school, so now he was stepping back. If Ji-woo had said “You’re not my type,” it might have hurt his pride, but it wouldn’t have left him feeling this strange.

Ji-woo’s words could only be interpreted as saying he had hung out with Hyun-joon solely to achieve his own goal. Now that he had achieved it, there was no need to associate anymore. It wasn’t wrong, but Hyun-joon thought that after everything they’d been through together, how could Ji-woo cut things off so cleanly?

Then, Ji-woo’s earlier words hit him:

‘I’m planning to do everything together until you adjust to school.’

He had felt something was off, and indeed it was. The promise to do everything together until he adjusted meant exactly that – helping him come to school every day. Once getting up for school every morning became somewhat familiar, and lounging in the classroom while half-listening to lessons became normal, Seo Ji-woo had quit being Hyun-joon’s ‘school adjustment helper.’ It was absurd that he only realized this now.

“So you’re saying you just want to reap the benefits? After bothering someone so much to make them come to school, you’re suddenly saying you’re out?”

“That’s why I’m not bothering you anymore.”

“Hey, does that make sense? I started going to school because you told me to in the first place. You said to come to school to see you. So if I went to school to see you, shouldn’t you take responsibility until the end?”

“…You came to school to see me?”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“You didn’t know?”

“No…”

Seeing Ji-woo’s slightly surprised face, half of Hyun-joon’s pent-up frustration dissipated. He desperately wanted a cigarette, but not wanting to smoke in front of Ji-woo, he just exhaled his frustration with a deep breath.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not talking to you or looking at you at all.”

“No, to me it looks like you’re completely ignoring and avoiding me.”

“That seems a bit unreasonable.”

“I don’t care if it’s unreasonable or not. Anyway, you take responsibility for me. You made such a fuss following me around telling me to come to school. So I’m going to school trusting you alone, and since I don’t want to go to school without you, you take responsibility. When a person starts something, shouldn’t they take responsibility until the end?”

“…What do I need to take responsibility for?”

“Me.”

“…You? Why should I?”

Hyun-joon let out a short breath, took off his cap, and ran his hand through his bangs. With the shadow over his eyes gone, Ji-woo’s face became even clearer.

“Why? Because I’m going to school because of you, so you take responsibility. Ah, I don’t know. Just take responsibility. From tomorrow, I’m going to follow you around all day just like you did until you say you’ll take responsibility for me, so figure it out.”

“You know this is really unreasonable, right?”

“I don’t care. Did you follow me around knowing it was unreasonable? You endure it too. If you endure it…”

Just like I did, there will come a time when you only see me. Soon.

Swallowing words too embarrassing to say out loud, Hyun-joon tilted his head, meeting Ji-woo’s eyes as the latter stared at him, seemingly too dumbfounded to speak.

“I’ve said everything I wanted to say. If you have anything to say, say it.”

“…I don’t. I don’t even know what I should say.”

“That’s good. Just accept it.”

Hyun-joon grinned and lightly tugged on Ji-woo’s slightly messy hair, not hard enough to hurt. Ji-woo laughed at the childish prank but quickly stopped and shook his head.

“You’ve made me really tired. I’m going to bed. Go.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“…Okay. Get home safely.”

“After you go inside.”

Ji-woo looked up at Hyun-joon standing firm, then waved once as if giving up and went into his house first. Hyun-joon stayed outside until Ji-woo’s figure disappeared, and only when he was completely alone did he clutch his head, recalling his own childish words and actions. Although it was so childish it was hard to remember, he didn’t regret it. At least he had given notice that he would stick to Ji-woo as he pleased.

He was determined to fill every part of Ji-woo’s life with himself. Just as he felt now, he wanted to make Ji-woo feel a deep emptiness without him, so that Ji-woo would have no choice but to seek him out first.

In the end, the image of Ji-woo’s smiling face lingered in his mind. It hadn’t even been 5 minutes since Ji-woo went inside, but Hyun-joon already missed him a little.

When will morning come?

Hyun-joon pulled his cap down low again and walked away reluctantly. A long shadow in the middle of the night followed behind him.

* * *

The next morning, Ji-woo put on his school uniform and popped a small piece of bread into his mouth for breakfast. As he chewed the subtly sweet bread, he recalled the previous night.

‘I’m going to school trusting you alone, and since I don’t want to go to school without you, you take responsibility. When a person starts something, shouldn’t they take responsibility until the end?’

It was still an absurd statement even thinking about it again. Strictly speaking, he had helped Hyun-joon, not caused a problem. Whether Hyun-joon attended school or graduated or not had nothing to do with him; it was just something he did out of goodwill, not something he needed to take responsibility for.

‘…What do I need to take responsibility for?’

‘Me.’

But Hyun-joon’s face as he brazenly told Ji-woo to take responsibility for him was vivid in his mind. It felt like a new kind of unreasonableness, but he couldn’t understand why Hyun-joon was being so insistent. Of course, it wasn’t like it caused him great harm or that he really disliked it… but still, it was strange.

‘I don’t care. Just take responsibility. From tomorrow, I’m going to follow you around all day just like you did until you say you’ll take responsibility for me, so figure it out.’

It’s really strange. Ji-woo shook his head, swallowed the dry bread, and took a sip of water. Then he brushed his teeth again and left the house.

After locking the door and passing through the short corridor of the multi-family house, which was still dark despite the morning, and through the common entrance, he saw a tall figure standing in front of the house. Ji-woo reflexively looked up to confirm Hyun-joon’s face after noticing the same school uniform. He thought he wouldn’t be surprised since he had expected it to be Hyun-joon as soon as he saw someone standing there, but it was still a bit surprising when he confirmed it.