Solo For Two

Late at night, Julian finally found his way to Sasha’s room. As expected, Karel was standing guard outside, like a sentry. It seemed Karel had decided to confine Sasha in the room after struggling to calm him down, as Sasha hadn’t stopped resisting even after coming to his senses. Karel’s bowed head and the weariness visible on his face indicated that he had endured Sasha’s defiance for quite some time. His face, significantly gaunt after just a day and a half, bore light scratches on his cheeks and lips. It appeared that Sasha, cornered, had even physically struggled against Karel.When Julian stood in front of Karel, Karel looked up with an exhausted expression.Karel asked, “How is Madam?”“She’s resting.”“And Sasha?”“He hasn’t said anything.”Julian then proceeded to describe the Duchess’s day, noting that she seemed to be enjoying her usual peaceful rest. However, both Julian and Karel knew that appearances could be deceiving.“I need to talk to Sasha. No matter what’s going on, if there’s something I can help with, I should.”“…”“I’m going in.”Julian spoke to Karel as if seeking permission, then opened the door. He was surprised that Karel didn’t follow him inside but assumed Karel was also quite fed up with Sasha and entered the room alone.“Sasha.”Neither the couch nor the bed showed any sign of Sasha. Julian clicked his tongue quietly as he noticed the window handles were all twisted, likely indicating Sasha had attempted to escape through the window, and it was undoubtedly Karel’s doing.[Sasha?]After calling out several times without a response, Julian walked towards the bathroom. He soon found Sasha crouched on the floor, leaning against the bed.[There you are.]At Julian’s voice, Sasha lifted his head. His face was in terrible shape. His hair was disheveled and soaked with sweat, his eyes were bloodshot, and his gaze was unfocused, like someone who had lost their wits. Julian realized that Sasha had completely lost his composure.[Get up. Come, sit here. Have you eaten anything at all today? Oh dear…]Julian pulled Sasha up and sat him on the bed. Sasha’s arms and wrists were covered in dark bruises, likely from his struggle with Karel. Julian clicked his tongue involuntarily. Feeling sorry for Sasha, Julian laid him down on the bed. Sasha’s body, already devoid of energy, barely resisted and then collapsed completely. Despite this, Sasha weakly tried to push Julian’s hand away, but his strength was pitiful.As Julian gently patted Sasha’s heaving chest, trying to soothe him like a child, Sasha finally met his eyes.[It was an accident, an accident, just an accident…]Sasha stammered so badly that Julian had a hard time understanding him. But Julian had seen people like this before—those whose minds were partially broken. Julian tried to reassure Sasha with a look that said he understood. Gradually, Sasha calmed down, his pleading eyes filled with desperation.[Please, don’t send me back to the Grand Duke. I’ll do anything. Please…]That morning, when Sasha had caused a commotion, his screams had been along the same lines. He had demanded to know who had ordered him to be pursued, why he had been deceived all this time… And if he was to be sent back to the Grand Duke, he had begged to be killed on the spot instead. He had also lashed out at Karel for not letting him go.Suddenly, Sasha grabbed Julian’s arm with surprising strength, considering how exhausted he was.[You promised to send me away, far away, under the pretense of convalescence… Julian, please help me. Keep that promise.][Can I ask why you ran away from the Grand Duke’s estate?]Sasha didn’t answer but started sobbing, seemingly too overwhelmed with emotion to speak. Julian gently held Sasha’s hand and pulled him into an embrace. Sasha buried his face in Julian’s chest and began to cry uncontrollably.Julian had a vague realization. While Sasha had tried to escape from Karel, who was obsessively attached to him, he somehow felt safe with Julian, who had been colder towards him.This person might just need a place to escape right now. Therefore, trust or affection is not what he needs. It seemed he could only feel safe by erasing his existence and becoming completely isolated.‘Even Karel’s affection must feel like a burden to him.’At that moment, the door quietly opened. When Julian turned around, there stood Karel, his face pale.Karel seemed both angry and hurt. The fact that Sasha found solace in Julian’s arms instead of his own seemed to be driving Karel crazy. Julian, vaguely guessing Karel’s feelings, sighed softly. It felt ironic that he, who wasn’t emotionally attached to Sasha, could understand his position better. Yet, Julian knew he couldn’t explain the complex dynamics of these emotions, especially in front of the increasingly irrational Karel.[I will never forget your kindness. For the rest of my life, in any way… If you ever need my help… I have nothing to offer, but if you just let me escape….]As Sasha babbled incoherently, Karel approached. Sasha, with his head bowed, resting his forehead on Julian’s shoulder, was visible to Karel only by his sweat-soaked neck and his shoulders trembling with intermittent sobs. Karel’s gaze upon him was filled with anguish.Julian lifted his head and spoke to Karel.[Karel can help you.]At these words, Sasha quickly raised his head. Realizing Karel’s presence for the first time, Sasha recoiled in shock and began to cry again.“Karel, Sasha wants to leave.”“…No.”“I’m not saying we should completely let him go. You know what I mean. If we create a fake identity for him or find a place for him in another country, the moment Sasha receives our help, we can actually keep track of his whereabouts.”“What if he disappears again?”“Karel.”“What if he ends up relying on someone else?”By now, Sasha was quietly watching the argument between the two. Even if he couldn’t fully understand, he could tell from the tone that Julian was trying to persuade Karel, who was opposing him.Julian grew frustrated with Karel’s inability to think objectively. It seemed Karel was traumatized by the experience of wandering an unfamiliar city, unable to find Sasha after losing him once.[Julian….]Sasha softly called Julian’s name again, almost pleading.In that moment, Karel seemed to collapse emotionally, kneeling down to try to meet Sasha’s eyes. But Sasha, as if wanting to deny Karel’s very existence, avoided his gaze. With this strange standoff continuing, Julian sighed deeply and spoke.“Karel, go to the Duchess.”“Julian.”“If you stay, Sasha won’t talk.”Karel lowered his head and stood up.Julian, as if casting a spell, spoke to Karel’s back as he left the room.“I only make good choices for you. Trust me.”“I trust you.”Karel replied with his back turned.The door closed.＊ ＊ ＊It’s better not to dream of things you can’t have. Letting greed consume you makes life miserable. Karel was wise enough to avoid pushing himself into misery. Growing up with the privileged Ludwig family’s young master, he managed to avoid feelings of inferiority, a sense of inadequacy, and victim mentality because he was that wise. He constantly humbled himself, maintained objectivity, and destroyed any vessel of ambition.He did not covet unnecessary degrees, nor did he lose sight of where he belonged because of this.‘If I were Julian.’But consciously suppressing his desires also meant he was acutely aware of them. His efforts to cultivate humility were proof that it didn’t come naturally to him. Deep down, in the recesses of Karel’s heart, violent thoughts still writhed, merely repressed but never gone.Karel thought about the things he had never been able to have for the first time.＊ ＊ ＊Two years ago, when Sasha was twenty-two, he ran away from home, abandoning his mother. At that time, Sasha had been struggling for a long time, doubting his own talent and suffering from a one-sided love for ballet, leaving his mind sick with depression and a victim mentality. Rumors spread through the village about the strikingly handsome young man who, despite having perfectly healthy limbs, never left his room and never smiled. Everyone criticized Sasha for shutting himself away in his room, without any thought of supporting his elderly mother.He had heard that the Imperial Ballet in St. Petersburg selected its members purely based on skill, regardless of their social status. Sasha wanted to know if he truly deserved to dance. That was why he left home.When he secretly left his hometown, Sasha left a letter for his mother. As a member of the Imperial Ballet, he would receive a fixed weekly salary, and if he became a principal dancer and found a patron, he could earn far more money than living as a peasant. For them, it was the only way to escape a lifetime of poverty.Sasha wrote in that letter that he would succeed and repay his mother. He was convinced that once he became a principal dancer and earned a lot of money, he could make her happy, even if he couldn’t persuade her now.Not long after, Sasha managed to reach St. Petersburg with the little money he had. Fearing that he wouldn’t be accepted even as a corps de ballet member if they knew his true age, he lied about it. Fortunately, people believed that Sasha, whose cheeks were still plump with lingering baby fat, was only seventeen. After stripping down for a physical examination, Sasha headed to a practice room filled with hundreds of people. Without even getting a chance to showcase his variations, he was immediately accepted as he struck the starting pose of the choreography. It was such a quick decision that even Sasha was bewildered.After that, Sasha’s rise was frighteningly rapid. He sent every bit of his weekly salary back to his mother in his hometown. But Galina never replied to his letters. Sasha thought it would take a little more time to earn his mother’s forgiveness.Sometimes, he wanted to return home, but he couldn’t abandon everything he had achieved so far. Back then, he didn’t realize he would never see his mother again.One day, Sasha received an “offer” for promotion to principal dancer. Initially, he found it strange that it was a proposal rather than a notification. Soon after, the Grand Duke, a patron of the ballet company, began visiting Sasha’s dressing room after every performance, making Sasha fully understand the implications of the offer. It became clear that most previous principals had been the Grand Duke’s lovers.Each time the Grand Duke met Sasha, he dismissed everyone else and forced Sasha, still drenched in sweat, to strip off his costume. He would then let his gaze linger on Sasha’s naked body, practically licking him with his eyes.Dirty rumors spread quickly within the ballet company.During this time, Sasha thought of Madam Dolly. He believed that his current position was earned through his own talent, but the doubt about its truthfulness was the most tormenting.When had it all started?Perhaps from the very beginning?The Grand Duke, who already had a young wife, knew no shame and ultimately demanded that Sasha become his lover in exchange for the principal position. The Grand Duke said to a humiliated Sasha:“There are many talented people in this world, like stars in the sky. But only a few are lucky.”“……”“Sasha, you are very lucky. Because you have caught my eye.”Not long after, when the Grand Duke threatened Sasha to make a decision before his patience ran out, Sasha, for the first time, angrily refused him with a trembling voice. However, the Grand Duke merely treated Sasha as a bride fearful of her wedding night. Standing naked before the Grand Duke, Sasha felt utterly powerless and miserable. In that moment, Sasha felt a surge of anger, as if his entire body was on fire. Anger, which had been suppressed due to his fear of the nobility, all came rushing at once.Eventually, Sasha injured the Grand Duke in self-defense and fled St. Petersburg.Defying a noble came with severe consequences.By the time Sasha returned to his hometown, Galina had already been murdered by the Grand Duke. The Grand Duke had set fire to Sasha’s family home, leaving him with nowhere to return. The villagers, fearful of retribution, refused to help Sasha.The Grand Duke, who had destroyed Sasha’s chance of returning home, waited in his palace, having prepared a chamber for his concubine, expecting Sasha to come back. Meanwhile, agents of the Grand Duke relentlessly pursued Sasha, the runaway.Throughout his arduous escape, Sasha wept. The cold wind that cut his cheeks froze his tears, making his face sting. Sasha, overwhelmed with grief at the thought that he never got to properly say goodbye to his mother, forgot how to speak for a while. He neither wanted to eat nor could he sleep.[Julian, please let me go.]With those final words, Sasha closed his eyes in exhaustion. Having listened to Sasha’s long confession, Julian sighed and wiped away his tears.After forcibly escaping from his past for a while, Sasha once again succumbed to those memories and lost consciousness.＊ ＊ ＊Karel headed to Madame Rambouillet as Julian had asked. Walking along the path behind the villa, where the insects chirped, Karel maintained a surprisingly calm demeanor. During their everyday conversation, he even managed to laugh occasionally. Despite the storm raging within him, he found it strange that he could feign composure.“How did you meet Alexandre Cedrin?”“Do you mean Sasha?”“Yes.”Unexpectedly, it was Madame Rambouillet who asked directly first. Having no reason to hide anything, Karel answered honestly.“I met him… while traveling after leaving the Empire.”“By chance, you say.”“Yes, it was quite a curious coincidence. We first met near the Russian border and then again in Paris.”“I thought he would go to Paris. It was something everyone could have predicted.”Madame Rambouillet’s last words had a peculiar nuance.“Most dancers seem to want to work in Paris….”Karel tried not to react strongly and answered calmly.Rambouillet asked again, “Have you ever seen him dance?”“No, I haven’t.”“What a pity. He was truly beautiful.”“I’ll see him dance someday.”“Do you really think so?”“What do you mean?”Although he tried not to react, Karel took the bait. He thought himself foolish for being unable to stay calm whenever the topic was about Sasha.“He left the Imperial Ballet in the worst possible way. It’s hard to resume a career anywhere after turning my husband into an enemy…. It’s just common sense.”“He’ll find a good job. He has many talents.”“I doubt it. He probably never thought of doing anything other than dancing.”A smile played on Madame Rambouillet’s lips as she spoke. Karel was a bit flustered by her familiarity with Sasha. Given Sasha’s reactions, he hadn’t expected them to have a good relationship.However, Rambouillet seemed to have some compassion for Sasha. Her demeanor didn’t seem feigned.“From the moment he joined the Imperial Ballet, we all knew he would work harder and perform better than anyone. And he did… He was a great talent.”Karel realized anew that his time with Sasha had been very short, and he didn’t know much about him. Despite their differences in status and profession, Rambouillet and Sasha had spent at least several years together in the same space. This realization made Karel feel unbearably empty once more.As Karel hesitated, wanting to ask what Sasha had been like in the past, Rambouillet spoke first.“Are you two friends?”“…Yes.”She didn’t ask further. Karel agonized over having to reduce all the emotions, brief conversations, glances, and touches they had shared to mere friendship, knowing he had no other choice.Both harboring their own thoughts, they walked the quiet forest path back to the mansion.＊ ＊ ＊After Sasha had fallen asleep, Julian left the room. Outside the door, Karel, who had been outside in the night air, was waiting.“He’s asleep.”Without a word, Karel passed by Julian and inhaled deeply near his collar. When Julian frowned and pulled away, Karel chuckled and said,“Sasha must smell like your cologne.”“What are you talking about?”“Just talking.”Just talking, indeed. It was clear that he was jealous of Julian comforting Sasha. Julian suspected that Karel might be slightly unhinged with jealousy. Anyway, it was an unfair situation for Julian, who hadn’t done anything wrong.“Then why don’t you go and hold him now?”“I plan to.”The two stood facing each other for a moment. Julian pondered over what was best for Karel and how Karel could eventually win Sasha over in the long run.“Karel, don’t you think it’s better to do what he wants?”“What does Sasha want?”Karel asked gloomily at Julian’s difficult words. This kind of response made Julian’s heart ache. If Karel acted like a madman, Julian could at least get angry with him. With a sigh, Julian continued.“He doesn’t trust you or me. We should provide minimal support for his independence and then back off.”“He doesn’t trust me.”“Well… Sasha wanted to escape to a place where the Grand Duke’s power couldn’t reach him. He thought we could help with that, but then Madame Rambouillet showed up out of nowhere. Naturally, he sees you and me as part of the same group. He’s in a situation where the Grand Duke could discover his whereabouts at any time. It’s not just that he doesn’t trust you… Are you even listening?”Karel remained silent. Julian felt a surge of frustration.“Just a few hours ago, you said you trusted me, and now this?”Trying his best to help Karel, Julian quickly grew tired of his lack of response and waved his hand dismissively, walking away. Karel, accustomed to Julian’s fickleness, merely watched him leave with indifference.Karel quietly pushed the door open. On the bed, a huddled figure, presumably Sasha, lay curled up. The sight of Sasha sleeping pitifully on the wide bed made Karel’s heart ache. He approached him, pressing his nose to Sasha’s exposed forehead and cheek, inhaling the scent of his skin. Only the familiar smell of Sasha’s body remained, the sweat having dried, leaving no trace of Julian’s cologne.Karel slumped down beside him. “Let’s do what Sasha wants.” Julian might be right. But Karel held onto hope. The fragile hope that the affection and trust he had shown Sasha so far might have an effect. He thought that if Sasha chose him, he would give up everything for him.Karel quietly lay down behind Sasha and embraced him from behind. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to comfort Sasha or be comforted himself.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha had a restless night. It wasn’t just because of the man guarding his back all night. Ever since crossing the Russian border, he found it hard to fall back asleep once he woke up.Sasha remembered the sleeping pills he was first prescribed at a hotel in Paris. The medication had changed a few times since then, but the first one had worked the best. He searched to see if he had any left but found he had already taken them all.So, as soon as Karel woke up, Sasha asked him to call Julian. However, Karel didn’t comply immediately and kept asking why. When Sasha mentioned the words ‘doctor’ and ‘medicine,’ Karel’s face showed worry, thinking Sasha was sick.Sasha felt confused by Karel’s dual nature. Even though Karel physically restrained him and locked him in the room to prevent his escape, his concerned face seemed genuinely sincere.‘Karel can help you.’Julian had said that. Sasha, now clearer in mind than yesterday, pondered the meaning of those words.Help me? In what way?Helping Sasha meant turning against the nobility of the Russian Empire. Whether Karel anticipated that much sacrifice or was willing to endure it was uncertain. Even if he did, it was natural for people to seek compensation for their losses.“There’s no such thing as kindness without a price in this world.”As Sasha brooded, the door opened. It was Julian.[You were looking for me?]