Solo For Two

Not far from the mansion, Levin bought Sasha’s favorite sandwiches, as well as plenty of beef and vegetables. She planned to do some basic cooking, knowing Sasha often skipped meals, and it was better than leaving him without food.After buying canned goods and fruits, Levin returned to the mansion.“Sasha, please open the door.”With her hands full, Levin called out from outside. However, there was no response from inside. Instead of waiting for Sasha to open the door, Levin placed the bags on the floor and opened the door herself.The first thing Levin saw was Sasha with his face buried in a pillow. Levin thought Sasha was lying down listlessly as usual, but soon she heard the sound of sniffling, wet with tears.As Levin approached in confusion, Sasha lifted his head.Sasha’s eyes and cheeks were already soaked with tears, and he was covering his mouth to stifle his sobs.“Sasha?”It was the first time Levin had seen Sasha cry.Levin was mildly shocked and debated whether to pretend she hadn’t noticed or to comfort Sasha. Then she saw a letter in Sasha’s hand. It seemed that the letter from Julian contained some bad news.Levin sat down next to Sasha and slowly pried his fingers off his mouth, one by one.As Sasha’s breathing eased, he let out a sob almost like a wail. Levin gently patted Sasha’s back as he cried and gasped for breath, pouring out his sorrow.＊ ＊ ＊‘Dear Sasha,’Julian’s letter began with a simple greeting.‘The day you promised to come to Vienna is approaching. I’m writing because there are things you need to sort out when you arrive.About the small piece of land Karel owned…’Recently, Julian’s letters often mentioned Karel, a topic he had previously avoided. As Sasha read the letter slowly, his eyes lingered on the last paragraph.‘Karel transferred all his property to you before he died. This includes the house you lived in together and part of the Ludwig family’s assets he received.’Before he died?The words didn’t register immediately, so Sasha reread the line several times before continuing.‘When you come to Vienna, we need to settle Karel’s inheritance. Also, there’s much debate about holding a funeral without a body, so I would like your opinion on that as well.’Julian’s letter concluded with his usual calm handwriting, despite the unbelievable contents.Sasha mechanically pondered the letter’s content for a while.Karel is dead?When he came to his senses, he was sobbing in Levin’s arms. Even after his tears stopped, he had to catch his breath between hiccups. When Levin asked what happened, Sasha struggled to say that Karel had died.‘Who is Karel?’Sasha hesitated, unable to answer immediately.An ex-lover… more precisely, a lover from my past whom I abandoned.‘An old friend? Or family?’Sasha shook his head but couldn’t answer quickly. It was hard to explain why he was mourning someone he had cut ties with long ago. At the same time, Sasha didn’t understand why he was crying. He felt unfamiliar with himself, who had just been sobbing uncontrollably.‘We lost contact a long time ago… I don’t know why I’m crying.’‘Death is always like that.’The next day, Sasha told the director he needed to go to Vienna, but received a scolding instead. The director said he could go when the scheduled performance in Austria happened soon, and grudgingly allowed Sasha half a day off, mentioning the pre-show party and banquet.After that, Sasha spent his days as usual. It felt almost surreal that he had cried so much from the shock; now, he was calm, almost numb. He even forgot to reply to Julian with his exact visit date, managing to send a response only as he was leaving Paris.Returning to Vienna, Austria, after almost two years, felt unchanged from before the war.As Sasha headed towards the Ludwig estate, he carefully observed the scenery outside the window. He hadn’t thought he would ever return when he left, making the journey feel strangely unfamiliar. Dry sunflower and vineyard fields and the lavender trees he had missed so much passed by the carriage window.It didn’t take long to reach the estate.Beyond the heavy iron gates, the long garden led to the distant, grand mansion. When the carriage came to a complete stop, Sasha got out, and a waiting butler approached him.“Sasha Sedrin?”The elderly butler’s gaze was filled with curiosity. Among the many artists indebted to the Ludwigs, Sasha Sedrin was the most renowned. The butler, who greeted Sasha, took a brief but keen look at the familiar man’s face. His gaze lingered momentarily on Sasha’s well-groomed hair and the sophisticated clothes made of fine fabric.“Yes, I’m here at Lord Julian’s invitation.”The butler recognized the man in front of him and let out a small gasp. Sasha Sedrin, who used to visit the estate occasionally as a friend of Karel Clements, was the reserved Russian youth from long ago.The foreigner, who had once spoken clumsily, had completely transformed. His fluent speech, retaining only an exotic accent, was pleasant to hear. The butler politely escorted him inside the mansion.“He asked to bring you directly to the study upon your arrival.”Following the butler, Sasha ascended the long staircase of the old mansion. It retained the dignified look it had many years ago.When the study door opened, Julian was seated at his desk. Sasha stepped into the room.“Lord Julian.”“Sit.”Julian’s voice was slightly cold as he spoke instead of greeting. Sasha removed his hat and sat down. Julian continued to look over various documents for a while, even after Sasha had sat down. As Julian remained engrossed, Sasha called out to him hesitantly.“Julian…?”Julian responded by selecting a few papers and rising. He brought them close to Sasha’s chin and handed them over.“Just sign these documents. Make sure you don’t miss anything.”“What are these…?”Instead of asking, Sasha began to read the contents, though he was slow because he was more fluent in speaking than in reading and writing. As Sasha struggled with the documents, Julian spoke up.“These are the inheritance papers I mentioned in the letter. I’ve already checked everything, so there shouldn’t be any issues. But if you don’t trust me, feel free to read them all….”Sasha looked up from the papers. He had something he wanted to confirm more than handling these matters.“What exactly happened to Karel?”Julian, who had been drinking from a glass of water, looked at Sasha. His piercing gaze made Sasha’s chest tighten.“Are you curious?”“What happened to him?”Sasha’s hands trembled slightly, crumpling the documents he held. Ignoring Sasha’s agitation, Julian answered.“It’s exactly as it sounds. We’re planning a funeral without a body.”“A funeral….”“I hadn’t heard from Karel long before the end of the war. You probably didn’t care, but… I was worried. Even after the war ended, I combed through casualty lists daily, and when that led nowhere, I pulled every string I had to find high-ranking officers in the military. I even bribed them to search the enemy’s prisoner lists. Karel was quite famous on the battlefield… both the Allies and the Axis knew of him.”Sasha swallowed dryly, fearing that Julian’s story would continue indefinitely.“Then I found a witness.”“A witness?”“A witness to the moment Karel was executed by firing squad.”Julian looked at Sasha with a blank expression.“There were so many enemies who hated Karel that he was executed immediately after being captured, rather than taken as a prisoner. His body was left to be eaten by dogs on the spot.”Sasha was speechless, staring at Julian. Meeting Sasha’s gaze, Julian raised an eyebrow and asked, “Why are you crying?”Julian approached and lifted Sasha’s chin. Sasha’s eyelashes and cheeks were quickly becoming wet with tears.“Did you really not know? That the moment you left him would be the last?”“I… I…”“Didn’t you intend never to see Karel again when you left? If not, you wouldn’t have disappeared like smoke. Be honest. Aren’t you relieved to finally be free of Karel?”Julian’s voice grew louder with emotion. Overwhelmed by Julian’s uncharacteristic fury, Sasha closed his eyes. His trembling eyelashes and the distinct tear stains became evident.Even with a weeping beauty in front of him, Julian’s heart remained cold.“To be honest… I find even your crying face disgusting.”Julian let go of Sasha’s chin with a harsh shove.He then turned to look out the window, trying to calm his emotions. After several deep breaths and brushing his hair back multiple times, he forced himself to speak calmly.“I apologize if my words hurt you.”Though he spoke words of apology, Julian’s back still radiated anger.“I debated whether to invite you to the funeral. I’m not happy about it, but Karel would have wanted you there. Karel… believed in you until the end. He thought you would come back.”Sasha could no longer suppress his sobs. His broken, pitiful cries would have moved anyone, but Julian remained unmoved.There is nothing more foolish than regret after the fact.“Make amends.”“…”“Just sign and leave.”But Sasha just sat there, crying, unable to move. With a low sigh, Julian grabbed Sasha’s wrist and moved it to sign the documents carelessly, as if that was the sole purpose of their meeting.As soon as this was done, Julian roughly pulled the still-crying Sasha to his feet. There was no mercy in his actions, just as when he had first thrown Sasha out of the inn. Julian spoke to Sasha, whose cheeks were still wet with tears, as if the eight years that had passed were nothing.“I regret meeting you.”Sasha let out a tearful sigh at those words.Julian grabbed his shoulder and pushed him out of the room. The butler, seeing the swiftly ejected guest with tear-streaked cheeks, asked no questions and promptly placed him back into the carriage, sending him away from the mansion.＊ ＊ ＊On the day Sasha was to return to Paris, Levin headed to his mansion at the agreed time.Sasha had told her not to come, but Levin was worried he would either be starving or sleeping without eating. Moreover, the bad news he had received just before leaving for Austria still weighed on her mind.‘He might need some comfort.’The thought made her press her lips together. It was presumptuous to think Sasha would need her comfort. However, she knew that sometimes, just having someone nearby when one feels terribly lonely can be a solace. With this in mind, Levin climbed the stairs of the mansion.The hallway on Sasha’s floor was completely silent. There wasn’t even the faintest hint of the usual sounds of life, making Levin think Sasha might be out. So, she opened the door without knocking.However, Sasha was lying in the darkened room, all the curtains drawn to block out the sunlight.Levin paused in the entryway, then quietly closed the door behind her and stepped inside. Dust danced in the rays of light that managed to sneak in. It seemed the apartment hadn’t been cleaned in the week Sasha was away, as dust had accumulated. Levin intended to draw the curtains to clean but paused to look down at Sasha.‘It shouldn’t matter since he’s asleep.’As soon as she pulled the heavy curtains back, the midday sun flooded the room. Levin stepped away from the window and met Sasha’s gaze. It would be a lie to say she wasn’t startled. He was watching her move with his eyes open, completely still.“Sorry, I thought you were sleeping.”Sasha shook his head and slowly sat up. His movements were slow and awkward, like a tree bending. He was still in his dress shirt and suit from his trip, the top buttons undone, indicating he had likely been lying there since he returned without even changing clothes.“When did you get here?”“…This morning.”Sasha’s voice was hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken in a long time. Hearing him clear his throat, Levin brought him a glass of water.“Can you get me some alcohol instead? Cold champagne… no, whiskey.”As he spoke, Sasha clumsily fumbled in his pockets.“You said you weren’t drinking anymore.”“…”“I’ll prepare a meal instead.”Sasha nodded in agreement.As Levin moved towards the kitchen, she felt something odd and stopped abruptly.Then, she turned around.Sasha was staring at what looked like a bundle of clothes on the bed. His actions of stroking and patting the bundle seemed strange. Levin was drawn closer.At first, Levin thought it might be a pet. Maybe Sasha, in his loneliness, had taken her advice and gotten a small animal.“Sasha, what… what is that?”“It’s sleeping well. Amazing.”It was a baby that Sasha was looking at. From what Levin could see, it was an infant too young to walk.“It cried all the time… I didn’t know what to do, but it seems to have tired itself out.”“…”“What do you feed a baby this young?”Sasha looked up at Levin as he spoke. Levin stared at him in stunned silence.‘I thought he wasn’t interested in women, and here he is, showing up with a baby out of nowhere. Men…’“Levin?”“Ah… it’s just so sudden, I’m taken aback. Whose baby is it?”“I met her near the border.”Then Sasha began to speak incoherently. As Levin listened, her normally calm expression turned to one of rare shock.Though the war had ended, places near the border, especially villages devastated by shelling, still had refugees living in dire conditions. Sasha had seen this and gave money to a woman begging there. He couldn’t ignore her, reminded of his past.“She had her hair cut unevenly, saying she was pregnant with an enemy soldier’s child during the war, and the villagers shaved her head and cast her out. She looked pitiful carrying the baby, so I gave her… all the money I had. The next day, I found her dead.”“My God…”“The villagers did it. They wanted the money. I gave her too much.”Sasha seemed to believe it was his fault that the woman had died. Levin could see the heavy guilt in his eyes.“At first, I didn’t even realize she was dead. The woman was lying in the middle of the road, and the baby was crying… It was strange that she wasn’t comforting the baby, so I went closer and… In the end, nobody took care of the body. If I hadn’t called for an undertaker, a carriage would have run over her.”“You brought the woman’s baby back with you.”“Yes.”Levin was speechless at Sasha’s calm response. She almost thought it would have been better if the baby were his own from some affair.After a while, Sasha looked up at Levin.“Levin, if I hadn’t given her the money, would she have lived?”“Don’t think about things like that.”But it seemed Sasha didn’t hear Levin’s words.“Or should I have left the woman with the baby to starve on the roadside?”“…”“I wish someone would tell me the answer… or if I could see the future… Life is full of difficult choices. And I always seem to make the worst ones.”He didn’t seem to be looking for an answer. Levin let him mumble to himself and instead checked on the baby. Despite probably being quite hungry from not having its mother’s milk for some time, the baby was sleeping peacefully like an angel.“He looks like Karel.”After a moment, Levin remembered who Karel was—the friend Sasha had mentioned who had died recently. Sasha carefully stroked the baby’s round forehead with his finger.“The dark blond hair, the green eyes… even the amber flecks in his eyes are the same.”“Sasha, this is too impulsive. Do you think you can raise a child?”“I need to atone. I must atone…”He bowed his head and started mumbling again. It seemed he was deeply shaken by his friend’s death. Levin decided it was pointless to try reasoning with him any further.In a week, or maybe just three days, Sasha would likely realize what he had done and either send the poor baby to an orphanage or find some other solution. It wouldn’t be too late to reason with him then.＊ ＊ ＊On the third day after Sasha returned to Paris, he started going back to the theater rehearsal studio. He was a day later than the other dancers who had been on tour with him. His appearance in the hall caused a slight stir. Even among the other dancers, Sasha’s presence was special, and it wasn’t every day that they saw him.‘He left alone right after the last performance in Vienna? Didn’t even meet with the reporters…’‘Yeah, he should’ve arrived in Paris sooner than us. Why did he take such a long break?’‘I heard he wasn’t in a good state there either. There are rumors he’s addicted to drugs.’Sasha appeared just before class started, silently putting his bag in the farthest corner and starting his stretches. He felt the glances but ignored them, focusing on his routine. It was hard to tell if he was ignoring them on purpose or simply didn’t notice.“Why didn’t you come yesterday? The director was looking for you.”The one whispering to Sasha nearby was Tatiana, a soloist. Also from Russia, she had fled to Paris during the war and joined the company around the same time as Sasha. She often spoke to him, perhaps feeling a sense of camaraderie.Sasha turned his gaze to her without a word.“They say you skipped all the pre-festival events and parties during the Austrian tour too. It’s not good to keep clashing with the director. And those events can be opportunities, you know. You’re already a principal dancer, so maybe it doesn’t matter to you…”“Sasha! How dare you show up for class!”A loud voice boomed through the hall like a thunderclap.Tatiana flinched and turned around. The angry voice belonged to the director, who seemed to have rushed over upon hearing of Sasha’s return to the theater.With the director’s entrance, the piano music stopped, leaving the hall in silence.