01.
01.
Prologue
The boy entered the shade to escape the scorching sun.
Looking around for a place to sit, he pushed aside a piece of plywood with his foot and roughly swept the dirty floor with an empty sack. Once he had created a spot to sit, he plopped down on the bare ground.
“Whew…”
As he took off his safety helmet, exhaling hot breath, a face too young to be at a construction site was revealed. The boy, with a tired and exhausted expression, tore open an ice cream wrapper and put it in his mouth. A cold sensation rushed in. While he felt a bit better, his head was throbbing so badly he thought he might die. Just as he closed his eyes to endure the headache, he heard:
“Hey, let’s go straight to the PC bang and play games.”
“Are you crazy? Don’t you have to study for exams?”
“There’s a major update today. They’re releasing a new continent.”
“Really? That changes things. Tell everyone to gather.”
“You’re going to do it anyway, why bother pretending?”
“Hey, I was just trying to act like a proper student for once.”
On the other side of the blue barrier, students around the boy’s age passed by, chattering noisily.
The boy slowly opened his eyes. The ice cream tasted stale, perhaps due to the dust. He saw the foreman coming out of the container.
“Hey, everyone gather around. Let’s start.”
“What? We just got our break.”
“You should have finished eating by now. Are you going to eat all day?”
“But it’s too short…”
The workers grumbled as they gathered. The boy shoved the rest of the ice cream into his mouth and sluggishly stood up, putting on his safety helmet. Swallowing it all at once made his headache worse.
The boy returned to the site where the hot sun was beating down.
Games?
No need. Only pathetic guys play those.
It surely won’t be fun. Games, that is.
It would just be a waste of time.
I don’t need to play games. I don’t want to.
It definitely won’t be fun.
Burnout
I want to die.
I just want to die.
It’s not like anything particularly difficult has happened. Rather, all the difficult things have disappeared. The days of pain and suffering have all passed, and now a vast fortune awaits me, enough to live a life of consumption without ever running short.
Yet I still want to die. No matter how much I think about it, I can’t understand why I should live. Although my education is as short as a sparrow’s tail, I’ve worked in society for a while and I’m confident I know as much as others do, but no matter how much I ponder and think, I can’t find any more reason to live.
It seems like I could die.
It wouldn’t even be a tragedy since it’s the death I desire.
I’m not even afraid of death.
So why can’t I die and why am I like this?
I really don’t know the reason.
Bzzzzt.
While lying on the bed staring blankly at the white ceiling thinking such thoughts, my phone vibrated. The screen displayed three characters: ‘My Brother’. I answered on speakerphone.
“Yeah.”
– Brother, where are you?
“I’m at home.”
– What time do you think it is to still be at home?
“What time is it?”
– 12:30. So you haven’t eaten yet?
“I’ll eat now. What about you?”
– I’m eating right now.
– Hey, Kim Ha Jin, are you talking to your brother again?
– Hyung, Ha Jin is on his second bowl now. Why doesn’t he gain weight?
– Ah, come on. Everyone shut up! Don’t crowd around!
– This guy’s on his third bowl. He ate sweet potato donkatsu earlier too.
– He was eating bread during class earlier. How come he doesn’t get fat when he eats like this? Is your brother the same?
– I’ve seen his brother. He was even skinnier than Kim Ha Jin.
It was noisy on the other end of the phone. I just listened quietly.
I don’t understand why they insist on calling someone with the surname ‘Ha’ and the single-character name ‘Jin’ by adding the surname ‘Kim’… It feels awkward every time I hear it. At first, I was stern, thinking the guys my brother brought home as friends were actually bullies, but it turns out it’s just a nickname they use casually among friends. It’s similar to how people add their surname to their dog’s name.
For example, if a dog’s name is ‘New Rice’, they might call it Kwon New Rice or Yoon New Rice. I didn’t know because no one calls me Kim Ha-un.
– Ah, everyone be quiet!
Jin yelled, followed by a clattering sound, and then it became quiet. He must have moved to a different location. Jin spoke, panting:
– They’re so damn noisy. How did those guys even get into Korea University?
Although my brother, who rarely swears, lost his temper, I felt relieved that his friendships seemed good. I’ve heard that true friends are those who can freely exchange harsh words. While my own relationships have fallen apart due to my misanthropy, I hope my brother lives a harmonious life.
– Anyway, what were you doing? Your voice doesn’t sound like you just woke up. You got up early in the morning anyway.
“I was just lying down.”
– Just lying down? You mean you’ve been just lying there since you woke up at 7, not even taking a nap?
“Yeah.”
– Weren’t you lying down when I called at this time yesterday too? And the day before that?
“The day before that too.”
– Hah, are you bragging?
“Not exactly bragging.”
– You’re going to get stuck to that bed. You’ll forget how to walk at this rate.
“Probably.”
– This is driving me crazy. Why are you agreeing? Argue back a little!
“Little brother. Someone once said this.”
– What?
“I don’t want to do anything. I’m already not doing anything, but I want to not do anything even more intensely.”
I could hear Jin sighing deeply on the other end of the phone.
– Look, it’s fine if you don’t do anything. You’ve worked too hard until now, so you need to live without doing anything. But the problem is that you’re just lying in bed while doing nothing. Even if you’re not doing anything, you should at least move your body minimally while not doing anything, or your health will deteriorate. Go for a walk in the neighborhood. Go watch a movie. Go shopping. At the very least, go to the living room to watch TV. How can a person lie in bed for two weeks straight?
“It’s possible.”
– Can you answer seriously?
“I haven’t been lying down the whole time. I got up to eat and wash, and I went out on your errands, didn’t I?”
– Alright, well done, my brother.
Jin sighed repeatedly. He’s probably furrowing his brow. I wonder if my brother will get wrinkles at the young age of 20 at this rate.
– Since you’re not taking care of your Vitamin D yourself, I guess I’ll have to help.
In the end, it was a call to send me on an errand.
It’s not uncommon for my brother to leave something at home and have me bring it to him. It’s been a month since the semester started, and he makes his brother, who’s resting at home 3 out of 5 days, run errands. Just yesterday, I was forced to get some sunlight by bringing him printed materials he left behind after printing.
“What did you forget to bring today?”
– I didn’t forget. I left it on purpose to make you move, I’m telling you.
“Okay, just tell me what it is.”
– The laptop on my desk in my room… I need it for my 3 o’clock lecture.
“You forgot something as big as a laptop, not just some printouts? It’s good that you’re enjoying college life, but get your act together. You’re becoming more and more forgetful.”
– It’s because of you that I have no choice but to…
“I’ll go to the cafe near the back gate.”
– Okay, thanks… No, wait. I’m going through so much trouble to make you move. Do you know how annoying and tiring it is to deliberately leave things behind? Do you understand the psychology of someone who has to pretend to be forgetful despite being meticulous?
“Alright, just finish your meal.”
– You eat too before you come. Don’t lie down again even if you have time left. Make sure you eat, okay?
“Okay.”
After hanging up, I slowly got up, stretching.
My brother, Ha Jin, is definitely a genius, but he can be a bit scatterbrained. He’s been like that since he was young.
He’d do his academy homework but forget to bring it, or put something in his pants pocket and throw it in the washing machine… There have been countless times when he whined about losing his earphones in his tiny room, and I had to find them for him.
Actually, these are just the cute instances.
Once, when I told him not to put foil in the microwave, he misunderstood and thought I said to put foil in, almost causing a fire. The next day, he came home with a report card showing he was first in his class. It’s my lifelong pride but also a mystery how someone who always needs looking after can study so well.
Anyway, this scatter-brained kid ended up becoming a student at Korea University, the top university in Korea…
I can vividly imagine how happy Mom and Dad would have been if they knew. They would have gone around bragging to the whole neighborhood. They might have even hung a big banner at the side dish store.
There was a time when I disliked my brother for being good at studying.
If he hadn’t been good at studying like me, I wouldn’t have fallen into that endless labor hell. But my brother was too good at studying, and I had to quit school early and jump into the labor force for my brother’s sake.
To be precise, it started when my brother was 8 and I was 15…
It’s just a common story.
A cliché melodrama where one of the siblings had to take on the role of the head of the family because Mom and Dad passed away early.
But thinking about it again, it seems disrespectful to those who actually live those difficult lives to call it cliché.
Because my life after February has departed from being cliché.
To be exact, after February 21st.
*
I originally almost never dream. With my sleep time ranging from five hours at most to two hours at least per day, I just pass out as soon as my back touches the floor, so even if I dream, I can’t remember it. But that day, I remembered it vividly.
This February… The dream I had on February 21st, to be exact.
In the dream, I was a second-year middle school student on my way to a friend’s house after school. While I was happily thinking about having fun, I got a call from Mom.
‘Un-ah, where are you? Come home right now.’
‘Ah, why? I’m going to my friend’s house. It’s still too early to close the store, isn’t it?’
‘We closed early to have dinner together. Your brother should be at his academy, so pick him up and come home quickly. I’ll make your favorite.’
‘Our son likes spicy stir-fried chicken the most, right? Mom and Dad will make it spicy and delicious.’
I heard Dad’s gentle voice too, but I whined.
‘I don’t wanna. I’m going to eat something not as good with my friend.’
‘Mom and Dad are already home. Un-ah. Come right now, and make sure to buy paper on your way.’
‘What paper are you talking about?’
‘Paper with numbers on it. Don’t forget to stop by the academy and bring your brother.’
‘What’s paper with numbers on it?’
‘Make sure to bring Jin.’
‘Ah, fine. I got it. Make the spicy stir-fried chicken really tasty. Make the sauce thick.’
‘Alright. I’ll make it thick. Whatever our firstborn wants to eat, we should make it for him as many times as he wants.’
‘Un-ah, we love you. Mom and Dad love our sons so much.’