Speak of The Devil

I need to see your face. That way, at least I’ll be more certain whose desire this is directed at me. Not being able to see your face feels no different from having my eyes closed, so I couldn’t tolerate doing it from behind. Like when my eyes are closed, I kept thinking of someone else, and I couldn’t stand it.I turned over again. The small movement made my head spin and my stomach churn, but it was better to see his face.When I close my eyes, I see Jung Yiyeon touching me.Unconsciously, I mistake him for Jung Yiyeon, and then I’m shocked to find his touch so unfamiliar compared to what I know.Even when I open my eyes, if I can’t see Jaeoh touching me, it feels like it’s Jung Yiyeon. But it’s not Jung Yiyeon’s touch.So I couldn’t close my eyes. I couldn’t have my back to Jaeoh. Otherwise, I would keep thinking of Jung Yiyeon.“…Damn…”Because I miss Jung Yiyeon.Realizing this, a curse slipped from my mouth. I couldn’t stand how obsessed I’d become with Jung Yiyeon. Nor could I stand Jaeoh being on top of me when he wasn’t Jung Yiyeon.“Move…”“…What?”He raised his head from where he was kissing around my navel. I used all my strength to push him off and sat up on the bed despite the dizziness. Unable to bear it any longer, I buried my face in my hands.“…Lee Nan?”Sensing that something was seriously wrong, Jaeoh checked on me, but I couldn’t lift my head. It seemed I wasn’t sober yet.“What’s going on? What’s wrong? Did you get fired from your job? You have to tell me something.”Jaeoh shook my shoulders and asked again, but I couldn’t answer as I swallowed my sobs. After realizing that tears were streaming down my face, I kept trying to stop, but they wouldn’t. Struggling not to cry during sex with Jung Yiyeon this morning had probably pushed me to my limit.Or maybe it was the alcohol, or something else. Instead of holding it in, I couldn’t even hide my sobs. Tears fell onto my exposed thighs.Seeing that I wasn’t calming down, Jaeoh eventually stopped talking. Instead, he sat next to me, staying by my side silently, handing me tissues intermittently, letting me cry as much as I needed.I didn’t know how long I cried.“…Cigarette.”When my tears had subsided a bit, that was the first word I managed to say.“Here.”Jaeoh pulled out a cigarette from the clothes scattered on the floor and put it in my mouth. The Zippo lighter flickered. Watching the red and yellow flame eat away at the cigarette end, I took a deep drag. It was the first time in five years that I tasted the harsh smoke flowing deep into my lungs. The bitterness helped me finally stop crying.With the smoke, I could swallow everything. Exhaling a long plume of smoke, I tried to calm the rising sobs. I took another drag, and then another.Finally, when the flame reached the filter, I felt calm enough to talk. I stubbed out the cigarette on a wet tissue Jaeoh handed me. The last puff of smoke escaped like a sigh.Jaeoh was watching me from the side. I had to explain to him why I’d suddenly become so emotional.“I’m drunk, but I haven’t developed a habit of crying when I drink.”“Okay.”“…I’m sorry to you…”I’m sorry to you, who stayed silently by my side. That was my honest feeling.Jaeoh’s expression twisted oddly at my words, as if he guessed why I was apologizing and was surprised I was saying sorry, something I never did.Jaeoh knew I wasn’t one to apologize. I usually found the situations where I had to apologize annoying, where someone pushed me emotionally. I found it troublesome.But now, seeing you just worried about me despite my pitiful state, I feel sorry. I’m sorry for your affection, which is strong enough to adjust to my position. I understand that now.“…I shouldn’t have… suggested sex so casually. I shouldn’t have treated it so lightly… I’m sorry.”Jaeoh was silent, looking at me like he didn’t recognize me.“…Until now, I never thought I’d be in such a situation… saying these words… I never felt sorry before…”Oh. Tears were coming again. Despite my best efforts, something surged up inside me. I pressed my eyes hard to hold back the tears and continued speaking in a fading voice.“I love someone else…”My voice trembled.“…I love someone so much that I can’t have sex with anyone else… because I’m thinking about him.”Biting my lip to hold back the rising sobs, all my efforts were in vain.“So… I’m really sorry to you…”Finally, tears streamed down again. Unable to look at Jaeoh, I lowered my head and wiped my tears with the back of my hand.Damn it. Even as I felt genuinely sorry to Jaeoh, who loved me, I kept thinking of Jung Yiyeon.Thanks to Jung Yiyeon, I learned the misery of unrequited love. I realized how painful it is when the person I care about doesn’t know or accept my feelings. I also understood how lowering oneself to pursue empty physical relationships, even if they offer false hope, could be a bottomless pit. And for that, I was sorry to Jaeoh.If you didn’t have feelings for them, you shouldn’t have led on someone who liked you with such a light heart. If you were going to ignore them in the end, you shouldn’t have used their feelings to satisfy your desires. You shouldn’t have pretended to accept their affection. You should have rejected them coldly and drawn a clear line. And even if they continued to like you, you should have tried your best not to hurt them.Maybe I’m getting my comeuppance because I was such a bad person. That’s why I love Jung Yiyeon so much, but he doesn’t love me back.It was only after meeting Jung Yiyeon that I realized I should have apologized to those who called me a bastard. It was a very, very late regret.Jaeoh didn’t say anything until my crying subsided. As time passed and my sobs faded, silence filled the house. The tears had stopped, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.I just… couldn’t. I felt so sorry and pathetic. I was already sorry for ignoring Jaeoh’s feelings for so long, but I also felt sorry for rejecting the affection he had continued to show me. It felt like Jaeoh, who was rejected by love, was just like me. It made me too sorry, hurt, and sad to see his face.“…I’m leaving.”That was the last thing Jaeoh said.With a small bounce, the bed became lighter, followed by the sound of heavy footsteps, and finally, the door opening and closing as Jaeoh disappeared from my space.And I was left alone.I reached for the cigarettes Jaeoh had left behind. I took out another one, lit it, and laughed emptily with the smoke.In the end, I failed my five-year effort to quit smoking today. Alcohol alone couldn’t resolve the pain in my chest, so I ended up smoking. The resolve to quit, which I had held firmly, shattered. I had vowed to keep myself healthy despite Jung Yiyeon, but everything seemed meaningless. Even smoking again didn’t help.“Jung Yiyeon, you bastard…”Thud. I collapsed onto the bed and started crying again. In this house where I was alone, I screamed and wailed, but it didn’t feel any better. It just hurt more.My eyes hurt, my eyelids hurt, my nose hurt, my throat hurt. My ribcage hurt, my bronchial tubes hurt. Every part of my body that was sobbing hurt.But the most painful thing was my feelings for Jung Yiyeon. My damn unrequited love that I couldn’t even give up on.***“…Oh, shit.”The first thing that came out of my mouth as soon as I opened my eyes was a curse. After drinking so much and crying in front of Seo Jaeoh the previous day, I had smoked all the cigarettes he left. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t stop after the first one. I mocked myself for turning my lungs into coal, but the cigarette butts piled up.Although I had woken up, I didn’t get out of bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. It seemed like it was daylight, but I didn’t care what time it was. My heart felt so empty that I didn’t want to think about anything else.I didn’t have the courage to face Jung Yiyeon, so I would skip work. Yet, even now, I still wanted to see him. Even in this state, even though I was in pain because of him, I liked him enough to endure the pain.“How many times do you want to get hit, Lee Nan?”Startled by the sudden voice, I was surprised. I thought there was no one else in the house. When I looked around, there was Ion.But seeing Ion’s face surprised me even more. There was a red and blue bruise around his eye, and he had a long cut as well. How could such a violent person have bruises and cuts? Is the person who hit Ion still alive?“You said you quit smoking, but you smoked all of these in one day?”He growled, looking at the pile of cigarette butts.“And you smoked inside the house?”When I was a smoker, he used to tell me not to smoke inside the house. Despite looking like he could smoke all the cigarettes in the world, he hated the smell, especially in the house. I was so out of my mind that I had forgotten all about it. Besides, I didn’t expect him to come home…I thought I might get hit. But Ion frowned in a peculiar way.“What happened?”His tone was concerned. For a moment, I felt a bit touched. Despite being practically the same age, he was always acting like an older brother, and although it was annoying, it was also comforting. Normally, I would have brushed it off vaguely, but I hesitated to answer because I was a bit moved.“It’s not the time to keep your mouth shut, is it? Speak before I rip it open.”But Ion had no patience. His threatening words were enough to kill the mood.“Well, it’s just…”“What?”It was embarrassing to talk. I had never discussed romantic matters with him before, so it felt even more awkward.“…It’s cringeworthy…”“What is it?”“…I ended up like this because I like someone too much.”“…”A silence more awkward than death followed.After urging me to speak quickly, my brother fell silent. His gaze, as awkward as the silence, wavered slightly. Damn it, this is why I didn’t want to talk about it. Unable to meet his shaky eyes, I looked down, and an uncomfortable silence passed for a few seconds.“…Die.”“Ah?! Hyung! Hyung! Urgh!!”My brother lunged at me, pressing a pillow over my face and pounding it without mercy.I’m a patient! Your brother is dying, you gorilla! My screams were muffled by the pillow. It was only when I was retching that he finally let me go and regained his composure.“You idiot. How will anything get resolved if you keep it to yourself? Go and talk to him or beat him up. Why are you acting like a fool alone?”Won’s words, filled with irritation, were typical of him. When I didn’t respond to his ridiculous advice, he continued with a tone full of exasperation.“Didn’t I tell you this wasn’t the time to shut your mouth?”Iheon pushed me down with the pillow again and started hitting me. Ouch! Ouch! I yelled at him to stop hitting me, saying it hurt and that I felt like throwing up.“…Phew.”After pinning me down and hitting me with the pillow and blanket for a while, my brother sat on the bed, ran his fingers through his hair, and caught his breath. Wrapped in the blanket, groaning, I felt like a wife quietly crying after being beaten by her husband. Damn, what a brute. What a psycho.“As you said, it’s so cringe-worthy that I have nothing to say.”Damn, so he beat me up to hide his embarrassment. But fearing I might provoke his dirty temper further, I stayed under the blanket, suffering in silence. After using violence, my brother seemed to calm down a bit, sighed, and stood up.“I called your company and told them you’re taking a sick day. I brought a doctor over for an injection, and got you some medicine. I thought I was handling a corpse, damn it.”An injection? I was slightly surprised that I had slept through it. I had been drinking far more than my usual limit and smoking too many cigarettes after not smoking for a long time, so I had a cold, but it seemed my condition was quite serious.However, I was more surprised that Iheon actually brought a doctor to the house. He definitely doesn’t have a doctor friend, so how did he manage to get one to come over? Is he more powerful and influential than I thought? Or maybe, if he knows a doctor, why does he leave his own face in such a state?“But why is your face like that?”“I got hit, what do you think? I won’t be able to come home for a while. I came to tell you that. If anything happens, contact Han-soo with the number I gave you before.”Han-soo was the only close associate my brother had introduced to me. I had never contacted him before, so I even wondered if his number was still on my phone, but I nodded anyway. I, too, was a robust man and didn’t foresee feeling significantly threatened in the future.If I had any problems, it would be Jung Yiyeon, now and in the future. But the pain in my heart was something no one could help with.“I’m leaving now that I’ve seen you awake.”“Uh… When are you coming back?”“Don’t know. Just take your medicine.”He patted my head briefly and left the house. After confirming he was gone, I rubbed my throbbing eyes and closed them.Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Alone, the nausea in my gut turned into a string of curses.Great, Lee Nan. What a stupid mess this is. Drinking, smoking. And then getting caught by him in such a state. Pulling the blanket over my head, I writhed in agony. But moving even a little made my whole body ache as if I had been beaten, and I groaned involuntarily.Despite everything, I worried about work a little. I wanted to turn on my phone to check for messages. But I was too sore and exhausted to get out of bed and get my phone. I regretted not asking my brother to bring it before he left. It was a belated regret.In the end, I told myself it was better for my mental health not to check my phone, suppressing the urge to do so. Thinking it was fortunate my body was in pain.It was almost lunchtime on Friday. Anyway, I was taking a sick day today. I had two more days to rest. I needed to pull myself together during that time, both my wrecked body and my tattered mental state.I squirmed under the blanket and curled up. Jung Yiyeon came to mind again, and I tried to ignore the pain in my heart. Repeating to myself that everything would be alright, I closed my eyes.***Doing nothing and resting at home might help with physical fatigue. But it didn’t take long to realize it didn’t help much mentally.Except for a few hours when I slept under the influence of the medication, I was extremely distressed when awake. I kept thinking about Jung Yiyeon, feeling sad. I remembered the scene I had caused in front of Seo Jae-oh yesterday, kicking the blanket in embarrassment at my own actions. But what troubled me most was still Jung Yiyeon and our cursed relationship.What on earth was Jung Yiyeon thinking, having this relationship with me? Was it really just to satisfy his desires? If it were just for sex, he sometimes showed emotions towards me. Maybe I should just take the plunge and suggest dating him.…Or not. Maybe it was all my delusion. Although there were times when staying as we were wasn’t so bad, there wasn’t a reason to cross a dangerous bridge. Even if I got hurt sometimes, couldn’t I get used to it? If I got used to the pain, wouldn’t my feelings for him eventually dull?But I felt like I couldn’t endure it. Even if it wasn’t frequent, the pain was too much to bear. I hated him going to meet others, and it was even worse when he gave me a ride to meet someone else.I felt like I was going crazy, shut up in my room, obsessing alone. Without knowing anything about his feelings, I was stuck in my own futile imagination, pushing and pulling by myself.Should I just say let’s date or let’s break up before I go completely insane?As my thoughts wandered and wavered, fearing my mental state would completely break down, it happened.Vrrr-A short vibration and the phone screen lit up.Saturday afternoon. Since my brother had contacted my company, my phone had been quiet. Glancing at the screen, I saw the word “Boss” in bold letters. My heart plummeted.Jung Yiyeon, being polite, would often ask if I had eaten or how my weekend was going. So it was entirely possible he was checking on me because I called in sick. Since it was my first sick day, he might be asking out of concern.Or perhaps he needed me for something. After all, I was quite a useful secretary to him.I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t even know why I was anxious about my expectations being dashed. So even though I held the phone, I couldn’t bring myself to check his message. My heart pounded louder and louder.Vrrr, Vrrr“Ah!”When my phone started vibrating continuously, indicating an incoming call, I let out an involuntary scream. Startled and screaming alone, I felt like I was truly going insane.I was flustered, holding the phone. What should I do? Should I answer? Should I ignore it? I had never been this nervous about a call from him before, but now my body seemed to tremble more than the vibrating phone. The vibration continued without interruption. I always answered before the third or fourth ring. Now it had been six, seven rings.“Hello.”…In moments of crisis, actions are faster than thoughts. I had already answered the call.“Were you sleeping?”“…No, I was awake.”“Are you at home?”“Yes, I’m at home.”“You didn’t see my message?”“…Did you contact me?”“Yes.”“Is there a problem at work…”The call quality became a bit unstable, with some static noise. He must have gone underground or entered an elevator.I asked what he needed, but he didn’t respond. Jung Yiyeon’s silence left me with nothing to say either. My heart was pounding so hard that I couldn’t speak. It seemed he didn’t call to check on me. He hadn’t even asked if I was okay or if I was very sick.“Uh… let me check your message for a moment.”Tired of the silence, I spoke, feeling I should check the message I hadn’t seen yet. But over the receiver, Jung Yiyeon stopped me.“No need to bother. Just come out for a moment.”“…Pardon?”“I’m ringing the bell now.”I couldn’t follow what he was saying at all. If this were a comic, there would be several question marks above my head.At that moment, really,Ding-dong, ding-dong.The old apartment’s outdated doorbell echoed. Simultaneously, Jung Yiyeon’s voice drilled into my ears.“What are you doing? Open the door.”I suddenly realized that I could never predict what this man was thinking.I kicked off the blanket and opened the door abruptly. And I couldn’t believe my eyes.Was I dreaming? Was I still drunk and not fully awake from smoking?Jung Yiyeon stood there in jeans, a T-shirt, a hoodie, and sneakers. His hair, not styled with wax, naturally fell over his forehead. Although I had seen him in comfortable clothes while on business trips, I had never seen him in jeans. The thought of him coming to my house dressed like that was beyond my imagination.“…Boss…”My voice came out like a groan. Tsk, tsk, Jung Yiyeon clicked his tongue and looked me up and down, making me realize just how shabby I looked.I had woken up in the morning, washed, and brushed my teeth, but my hair was a mess since I didn’t dry it properly before lying down again. My face felt rough as I hadn’t applied any skin care, and my lips were dry and chapped. I hastily rubbed my face in a dry wash, but it didn’t help the situation or my embarrassment.“Are you alone?”“…Yes.”“Have you eaten?”“…Not yet…”I hadn’t been feeling well yesterday and took medicine on an empty stomach, which sobered me up but left my stomach hurting. I didn’t feel like eating, so I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep any more but had no motivation to do anything, so I just lay in bed all day.“I brought porridge. I bought plenty, but your brother isn’t here?”“…No.”Is he insane? What kind of boss buys porridge for a sick employee and comes to their house? But what came next was even more absurd.“Then I’ll eat it here.”“…I’m not sure I understand…”Before I could say I didn’t understand, Jung Yiyeon cut me off and entered.“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”Thud.I heard the sound of my heart plummeting into the depths.Jung Yiyeon, in my home. In my home, Jung Yiyeon.Is it possible… he’s genuinely worried about me and came to check on me because I called in sick? Because he wanted to see me?I knew I shouldn’t hope for that, but my heart couldn’t help but swell. There must be another reason beyond concern. Maybe he came to see if I was in any condition to satisfy his desires.In Jung Yiyeon’s eyes, which were staring at me, there was an undeniable desire.Desire for me.Whether it was my body or something else, he wanted me, that much was clear.“…Ha.”Lee Nan. You hopeless idiot.“…Please come in.”I couldn’t refuse him.Just looking at those dark eyes, filled with desire, made my heart race. Knowing that desire was directed at me made me so happy. In an instant, my exhausted body was ignited with energy.I took a few steps back, watching him enter, and then reached out to him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment as I grabbed him, but soon his arm wrapped around my waist.I pulled him closer into my embrace and showered him with kisses. His breath was sweet as it met my lips. All the emotions that had consumed my mind melted away in an instant with the scent of his breath seeping into my chest.The cure for the excruciating chest pain that I thought had no remedy was right here. The knife that cut my heart also healed it. This shitty situation, unparalleled in the world. But I had no choice but to cling to this man.Experiencing love for the first time was both unbelievably sweet and miserable.***Bang, click!A sharp sound suddenly pierced my consciousness, making my eyes snap open. I was so startled that my body trembled all over. At that moment, my back… my back ached as if it had been shattered.My back, already weakened from lying down so much, seemed to have given out from the intense activity that followed. Perhaps it had been damaged before when I was hit by Eon.Even while groaning, I stretched my neck to look at Jung Yiyeon. Honestly, it was a sight I couldn’t resist. Jung Yiyeon, in my house, wearing my T-shirt and my training pants, carrying a convenience store bag in his hand, seemed too unreal.“I borrowed some clothes. I wanted to do some exercise.”…No way… This isn’t a dream.For a moment, I thought I was in Jung Yiyeon’s house, not mine. Seeing him comfortably sitting on the bed as if it were his own made me wonder if this man even had a sense of common decency.But any slight displeasure vanished the moment he sat on the bed and leaned his head towards me.“Sleep more. I’ll wash quietly.”He whispered softly and kissed my forehead. My still groggy mind became even fuzzier, and my heart fluttered. Jung Yiyeon, who had been gazing at my dazed face, chuckled and gave me a light kiss on the lips.…Hey… Doing that, treating me like a lover… it makes my heart race too much, you know? It’s too sweet, you know?A man who seemed like he would never share a bed with anyone was now waking up next to me. I still couldn’t believe he had shown up at my house after sending me away like that. And now, he was staying over in this small, insignificant house compared to his own. He didn’t even leave but wore my clothes…As I was lost in confusion, Jung Yiyeon finished his shower and came out. He only wore the jeans from the previous day, drying his hair with a towel as he approached me.At that moment, my heart pounded so hard it was difficult to breathe. With every breath, the scent of my body wash, which he had used, wafted towards me. Although Eon also used that product here, the same scent coming from someone else shouldn’t have been surprising, but it made my heart race like it was going to burst. Perhaps it was because Jung Yiyeon, with his damp hair, looked incredibly sexy.Jung Yiyeon, while drying his hair, suddenly furrowed his brow slightly and asked,“Secretary Lee, do you smoke?”“…Uh, sometimes.”“Doesn’t seem like just sometimes.”Only then did I realize I hadn’t cleared the makeshift ashtray piled with cigarette butts. Spending this leisurely time with Jung Yiyeon made the moments I smoked out of frustration seem even more foolish.On the other hand, it was absurd that after making such a scene, being sick, and worrying my brother, I accepted Jung Yiyeon, who came over because he wanted sex. Now, feeling indifferent about what would happen next, I was just satisfied with this moment, even if it made me feel pathetic for being so swayed by my emotions.“…I just tend to smoke a lot at once when I do.”Despite asking, Jung Yiyeon barely listened as he absentmindedly rummaged through the convenience store bag he had brought in. He pulled out a convenience store lunch box while sitting on the bed.He mentioned going for a workout and seemed to have bought some underwear and a lunch box. It was surprising to me. A scion of one of South Korea’s top conglomerates knowing convenience stores sold lunch boxes was surprising. Seeing him buy one himself was even more so.He was a fascinating person in that regard. Unless absolutely necessary, he found formalities tiresome. Despite being a chaebol, he drove himself around. Someone in Jung Yiyeon’s position could have a hotel chef deliver a meal with a single phone call, not a convenience store lunch box, but he acted like an ordinary citizen.“Instant porridge doesn’t taste good.”“…You eat that?”“That’s how it is living alone.”He said it nonchalantly, but I was flustered. I assumed he must have someone to manage his household, even if not a live-in helper. Why would he need instant porridge?“Where’s the microwave?”“Over there, in the corner…”Jung Yiyeon naturally moved to heat the lunch box. The way he handled the microwave seemed skilled. Did he have a taste for such cheap convenience store food, even though he seemed wealthy? His preferences baffled me.Meanwhile, I was strongly affected by my rose-colored perception of him. Jung Yiyeon heating a convenience store lunch box was adorable. Watching him press the buttons on the microwave, something I imagined he’d never touched, was endearingly cute.When the lunch box was heated, Jung Yiyeon brought it back to the bed. Though there was a functional dining table, he came back to the bed, making me wonder why. His actions, laying out the meal on the bed, felt like the gesture of a spouse bringing breakfast in bed, which was both delightful and maddening.Having just woken up, my mouth was dry, and my body felt tired, leaving me with little appetite. However, seeing Jung Yiyeon set the lunch box on the bed made it impossible to just lie there.Having spent the night with Jung Yiyeon, eaten the porridge he brought, and rested, it was time to eat. Reluctantly, I propped myself up. The blanket slid down from my bare upper body, but I wasn’t concerned as my lower half was still covered.The problem was my back. I couldn’t get up in one motion. It felt ridiculous that I, who wasn’t even a patient, found it hard to rise. With a small sigh, I supported myself on the bed with my arms, twisting my body to sit up.“…Hmm.”Noticing Jung Yiyeon make a strange sound, I saw him pause, looking at me while he was unpacking the lunch box. He was staring at me, barely managing to sit up.“Secretary Lee, are you hungry?”