Speak of The Devil

I came out without even submitting my resignation. I should have handed over the work, but I didn’t want to. Even though I hadn’t received any handover myself, I didn’t feel any loyalty to Jung Yiyeon’s company. Quitting on the spot, I lost enthusiasm for everything. It was only natural, as I hadn’t deeply thought about and quit something. It was just that I couldn’t bear to see Jung Yiyeon anymore. At the moment I decided to quit, I didn’t even think about my bank balance. I felt a bit nauseated by my impulsive, irrational, and emotional actions, even though I said I wouldn’t regret it. Surprisingly, though… despite deciding to cut off the emotions that made my heart flutter, pound, and yearn for her every time I saw her, I was doing fine. It wasn’t as difficult as I had expected, even though I sometimes, or rather frequently, thought about it. It was just a faint sense of emptiness that I felt in the midst of my impulsive, irrational emotions.Last night, I slept well and, for the first time in a while, indulged in sleeping in. Granted, I woke up before ten, but still. After pondering what to do at home, I ended up unnecessarily showering, wearing jeans and a shirt instead of a suit, and putting on sneakers. The weather was pleasantly warm. Walking under the scorching sun, which was my preference, was not my style, so I stopped by a bookstore, bought a book, and randomly found a seat in a nearby coffee shop. While savoring an Americano and munching on a club sandwich, I unfolded the book and read in the leisure I hadn’t experienced in a while.At one point, the once-famous writer’s outdated novel seemed to belong to the ambiguous genre of coming-of-age stories. At the age of 30, reading a coming-of-age story would only allow me a brief time travel to the past, and I doubted I could empathize with the protagonist. However, it was well-written, making it easy to read, and by the time my Americano had gone cold, I was flipping through the last pages of the book.Leisure… Everything was fine, but I had disgustingly nothing to do.In the theaters, there was a buzz about a Hollywood superhero movie that seemed to pull everything from rehashing to the marrow. As I didn’t have much of a preference for movies, I entered the theater without hesitation. Come to think of it, I had never watched a movie alone. There were always people inviting me to watch a movie, and even when I came to watch a movie, I preferred charming the person next to me rather than watching the movie itself.Jumping around, rolling, shooting beams, creating chaos, meeting a woman, falling in love for a night, and rescuing the kidnapped lover as a hero. In the end, the movie concluded with rescuing the lover and punishing the villain. Throughout the movie, my only thought was that sandwiches wouldn’t do here; I should have bought popcorn and cola. Even after the movie ended and I stepped outside, the sun was still shining brightly. Summer was approaching, and the days were getting longer, but being unemployed was a hardship. With plenty of days ahead without much to do, what should I do on this long day? Why don’t I have anything I want to learn or dreams to fulfill? Thinking I should search for something at least, I stared blankly at my phone and let out a sigh.A whimsical thought crossed my mind. It was just last Monday when I had a delightful dinner and spent a dream-like night with Jung Yiyeon. At that time, I was deluded by the grand illusion that Jung Yiyeon also loved me. I never imagined that I would experience such a disappointment and end up unemployed.Today was only Friday. Perhaps, if I hadn’t confessed to Jung Yiyeon, we might have spent this weekend together. If I had handled the crisis better when I exploded over Min Seo-won’s bracelet on Wednesday, maybe.In the fleeting moment when I was lost in futile and foolish thoughts, a phone call interrupted. I answered the phone in surprise.“Hello.”-Why haven’t you been answering Jaeoh’s calls?The one bluntly asking me that was Siwoo, a guy I had never received a call from in my entire life, who was part of a gathering we had a few days ago where we drank together.“I didn’t even know Jaeoh called.”-He said you quit your job.“What? Jaeoh said that? That guy.”-He’s busy, so he couldn’t keep in touch. He asked me to tell you. Send a message to Jaeoh.“Uh, okay.”-And come to our store.“What store? Did you quit your job and start a store?”-Yeah. I’ll give you the address; just come. Ending the call.Click. He abruptly hung up after laying out what he wanted to say. Then, a somewhat ominous message arrived. The message contained an address not far from here, and at the end, it said, ‘Make sure to contact Jaeoh.’Like Siwoo said, there were several missed calls and messages from other people on my phone. Irritated by the constant calls from the secretariat due to my abrupt resignation, I had put my phone on silent, a fact I just remembered now. If I hadn’t been absentmindedly looking at my phone, I wouldn’t have known about Siwoo’s call.Amidst the accumulated missed messages from others, Jaeoh’s calls and messages were piling up endlessly. Ignoring all the other messages, I sent a message to Jaeoh, claiming I didn’t notice the calls because I was watching a movie, and I chuckled to myself like a madman. It felt absurd that I, who never missed a call by keeping my phone on silent, had done so now.Without much thought, I headed to the address Siwoo had sent. There, a recently established Italian restaurant chain was prominently advertising with vigor. Even for someone like me, who was ignorant about real estate, it seemed to be a lively and well-located place, with the store looking quite spacious.“Siwoo.”“Yeah, you’re here.”His slender body was neatly clad in a white shirt, and the black pants were complemented by a stylish apron from Galsong, creating an impressive look. Siwoo had a quite neutral and androgynous vibe, almost as if the clothes were chosen to match his type.It had been quite a while since we knew each other. We had crossed paths once in a passing connection. Still not particularly close, we had reconnected through a gathering centered around Jaeoh. Interestingly, when we first met again, I couldn’t remember Siwoo properly. The next encounter happened after Jaeoh left Seoul and moved to Busan. About a month later, Siwoo suddenly contacted me, and we met for sex. It was nothing more than a release of desire without any emotions or significance.“Why did you open a restaurant?”“My parents pushed me into it. They thought it’d be better to run my own business to avoid trouble if rumors spread at work.”This guy was born with a silver spoon, a damn lucky guy. A filthy envy-inducing guy.Siwoo, who looked pretty and had a slim figure, had often been misunderstood as gay due to his physique and appearance since childhood. Whether that misunderstanding turned into truth at some point, I didn’t know, but Siwoo had no reservations about coming out. It wasn’t easy, but after numerous conflicts, he had fortunately gained acceptance from his parents.“Why did you quit?”“… Just because.”“Are your parents landlords? Did the company shut down so easily? Are you planning to switch to another job?”“I just wanted to take a break for a while.”“People say good things about selling properties. Better than a dog. You’re twenty-nine, right?”“Thirty.”“Thirty already. Well, you started working at a young age. But do you have plans, or did you quit for some reason?”“Well, I’m not nineteen. I’m thirty. Do you think I’ll live like this forever? I quit yesterday and took today off, just a day.”Why does this guy have such a big mouth? Don’t people refrain from saying such things to others these days? Irritation surged within me.I had no immediate intention of working. Handling tasks, answering calls, scheduling other people’s time, planning and executing someone else’s work, working as a chauffeur, overtime… Even if I were to find employment again, utilizing my experience to become a secretary, the thought of being a secretary, even temporarily, was as detestable as catching a cold. I didn’t want to be called a secretary. I was thoroughly disillusioned.“Hokyung and those guys from prestigious business schools are also going crazy about entering the hotel industry, you know? Let’s play for just one more day, just one more day, or you’ll really hit rock bottom. Do these kids nowadays not know what qualifications are?”A guy who knew nothing about the industry I was in was talking a lot. His speech wasn’t refined, making it even more unpleasant to listen to. This guy had always been like this. That’s how I knew he was someone I shouldn’t be considerate of after one night together.Of course, from their perspective, they probably thought the same about me. Anyway, from my standpoint, Siwoo’s nagging was unbearable. Especially on a day like today. I wasn’t in a bad mood; I really wasn’t. However, for some reason, when he touched on it, my irritation swelled, and spikes of annoyance surfaced like pufferfish spines.“Ah, I don’t know. If I can’t stand it, Jaeoh might hire me.”That was truly a remark spat out in annoyance. It was something Jaeoh had actually said before.But with that rash remark, Siwoo’s face stiffened. He spat out a word mixed with curses with thick lips like squeezing out a grudge.“You damn bastard. You’re a truly rotten piece of shit.”Ah, come to think of it, all these people knew that Jaeoh liked me. What I just said was a slip of the tongue.“Why did you block Jaeoh, what do you want to do?”“Well, I made a mistake. But don’t you think you’re meddling too much?”“Even if I worry…”“Who asked you to worry? Is it me? Do you think I’d dismissively say I want to play without thinking? There’s a reason for everything, and I have my own circumstances.”I didn’t know how much contempt Siwoo held for me, but at least I had always kept my private life and work strictly separate. Even if he said something without knowing that, it didn’t make me feel bad.Finally, Siwoo shut his mouth. However, that silence was truly just for a moment.“Why did you quit?”This time, I was the one who chose to stay silent. I wasn’t originally the type to disclose personal information. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t fully immerse myself in the gay world due to being bisexual. No, honestly, I had been keeping a distance on my end.I feared that someone might hold a grudge and out me, so I never revealed the exact details of where I worked, under whom, and in what position at which hotel. Only Jaeoh knew a little more about me.I had never properly talked about my personal information from the beginning. I hadn’t even told others about my home. I didn’t want to be excluded from this damn society. I liked men as much as women, yet I hated being outed. No, it was frightening. Some people led lives where they could be resented for such matters.So, I chose to keep my mouth shut. Although the number of words I spoke decreased, the relationships I could form became superficial. As someone who wasn’t originally seeking deep connections, I didn’t feel regrettable about it.However, it seemed to be a problem for others.“You really don’t say anything. What do you think about the people around you?”Siwoo, who may not even know his real name, or if it’s his real name, doesn’t know his last name. In my opinion, you should have been a teacher. How can your tone always sound so reprimanding?“Is it good to talk a lot?”“You’re criticizing. Are you all experts in cunning schemes? Do you understand without saying anything? And… sometimes, it’s necessary to confide in someone.”I had considered such things. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t my personality.I don’t want someone to know about me. There was only one person I hoped would understand my feelings, but now, rejected, I hoped no one knew anything about me. Instead, I hoped everyone would just leave me alone.I slowly began to regret that it wasn’t Randa who was coming. I should exercise or learn something. Coming to meet this nagging guy because I had nothing else to do, I didn’t know boredom could cloud a person’s judgment like this.“…At least tell Jaeoh. Can’t you tell him? Still, among us, isn’t Jaeoh the most special to you?”This nonsense is a disease. Don’t tell me to unblock Jaeoh and then suggest relying on Jaeoh.“What’s so special? Is it special to maintain a relationship where you confess your liking and the other responds by saying they like someone else?”Whether it’s in books, movies, or real life, it’s just a common relationship, nothing special. But what’s so special?Of course, compared to the way people like Siwoo or Taehoon look at me, the way Jaeoh looks at me is a million times warmer. I know what Siwoo is pointing out now, but I wanted to provoke him.Siwoo squinted his eyes for a moment, giving me a mocking look. I casually sipped on the nearly melted ice water. When I put the glass down so that it made a clinking sound, I suddenly felt an intense craving for cigarettes. Damn it, I didn’t even like smoking.“… Still, be good to Jaeoh. Don’t worry him. This is a request.”Siwoo’s words brought my thoughts back from contemplating cigarettes. And with that one sentence, the thoughts of smoking temporarily left my mind.“You may not know this, but in our circle, Seo Jaeoh is like a complete idol.”At the mention of the word ‘idol,’ the water that had already crossed the river overflowed, and it felt like I could hear the rushing water. Looking at Siwoo with a dumbfounded expression, he spoke without any hesitation.“Honestly, there wasn’t a single guy among us who liked you. It’s not like I was the only one who had a falling out with you. Besides, aside from you being bisexual… No, leaving that aside, your personality is just terrible. We never thought about accommodating such a guy in our group. But… what can we do? Jaeoh keeps following you around.”Aren’t you even more terrible for openly saying in front of someone that their personality is terrible? It became absurd, but I already knew it. These guys found me strangely awkward from the beginning.“I’ve been to Busan to see Jaeoh several times. Taehoon, there’s nothing to say about him. When you meet and hang out, do you know what he asks? He asks how you’re doing, and that’s it. It drains your energy.”“… Stop it. I understand your intentions, but what should I do about my relationship with him then? Everything is settled.”“Why does that lunatic Jaeoh like a bastard like you, anyway? That’s what I’m saying.”Facing Siwoo’s glare, I remained silent.“He even pays for almost everything. I was so surprised when I heard that. You even slept with him again just because of that. But you’re equally shameless. Making noises, spreading your legs, getting dirty, and after doing all that, cleanly disappearing from his sight. What’s so natural for you? Don’t other people have emotions?”No one likes to hear unpleasant things, and I knew I was a selfish individual. It was fascinating how I ended up doing secretary work. Regardless, that was my personality, and around me were people who accepted me. Whether people got tired of me and left or not, I lived without regret. Even my deceased parents and my hopeless brother had been weak to me, doing everything I asked for. I didn’t even feel the need to change my personality.… Even if I try to be unlike myself and make an effort, there’s nothing to catch, so why bother making an effort?“Did you call me to fight?”“… It’s not that, it’s just damn frustrating. Stop causing Jaeoh pain.”“I have a bigger fish to fry. I don’t have the luxury to care about anyone.”“What are you talking about?”“Have you heard the nonsense Jaeho, your idol, talks about in drinking sessions? I’m also suffering from unrequited love, got it? It’s so painful to see that bastard, so I even quit my job. Now that I’ve heard such a stupid story about myself, does it make you feel better?”After venting, he closed his mouth. My chest felt tight. It wasn’t worth getting angry over such a trivial matter, but what made me burst out was the memory of my past dedication to Jung Yiyeon.“… So, you quit your job because of that?”Ah, should I punch this guy? In the heat of the moment.“… Sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken without thinking.”A word of apology came unexpectedly from Siwoo. Though he blurted out whatever he wanted and then apologized late, my heart wasn’t ready to be relieved.For a moment, my emotions dissipated. Yeah, why bother getting upset with you? I just let out a sigh.“Fine. It’s true that if I don’t say anything, you won’t know, since I’m the one not speaking.”I replied, not wanting to waste emotions on unnecessary arguments. An awkward silence lingered for a moment. The silence was broken by a call on Siwoo’s phone. Siwoo answered the call and then handed me the phone.“Jaeoh’s calling.”Ha, did he call Siwoo to ask him to switch with me? But if I don’t answer, Siwoo might start complaining again, so I answered the phone.“Hello.”-Hello? What’s so good about quitting, now that you’ve stopped?“I was getting bored.”– … Talking as if you’ve accomplished something. The whole company was buzzing about it, you know? The boss’s secretary held out for quite a while, but she quit. It’s a big deal; she did it on her own.“If we talk about it for the sake of my honor, I’m the one who quit.”Jaeoh fell silent at my response. He seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say, emitting a groaning sound. After a while, he asked.– … Are you okay?”“What’s wrong? Nothing to be not okay about.”– … Still.“I told you it’s not like that. I just wanted to quit. It’s okay. I’m a bit bored, though.”– I’ll arrange something for tonight. Just wait a little.What arrangement? A gathering with your fans who consider me a bastard? I didn’t want to be indebted to him after rejecting him. I knew that false hope was the worst. So, I vehemently declined, but Jaeoh was stubborn. He would probably contact Siwoo, tell him to grab me, and threaten me to wait, that kind of guy. In the end, I had no choice but to yield.While keeping my distance from Jung Yiyeon as if trying to sort out my feelings for her, I knew I had to keep a distance from Jaeoh as well to make him give up. Despite knowing this in my head, wounded as I was, I didn’t like being alone. I’d rather noisily drink some alcohol to forget this boredom, especially on a Friday night when everyone else was out.After ending the call, Siwoo brought me a plate of pasta. Even if I experienced disappointment, my stomach still yearned, and the food tasted good. While eating cream pasta alone, I observed the busy restaurant during dinner time. Time was bound to pass somehow.Apart from being a little bored, it wasn’t bad. When I looked at my phone while observing people, my mind was blank, and my heart was calm. I didn’t feel like getting drunk on a lot of alcohol. The frustration I felt earlier easily subsided.Once my stomach was full, I felt even better. I vowed to start exercising or doing something from tomorrow. On the way to meet Jaeoh with Siwoo, my mood was surprisingly not bad.Quitting the company was indeed the answer. Why did I cling so desperately to this uncertain relationship with her when it was so easily sorted out without seeing her face? The emotions I had struggled with until now seemed like a lie. Surprisingly, living without seeing Jung Yiyeon didn’t bother me at all.Sometimes, I would have fleeting moments of thought, but truly, it didn’t bother me at all. It seemed like it would be forgotten as time passed. It was quite a hopeful thought. However, I realized how foolish all of that was just a few hours later.It was beyond my understanding why others were celebrating as if they had become gods just because I became unemployed. They even named it a retirement party, and those who claimed to have had drinks just a few days ago organized a drinking party. As the night deepened, a few more people joined, and the atmosphere became lively. I was just an excuse to ignite this Friday.“Lee Nan quit his job! Good for you, huh!”Being greeted like that was the best consolation I could get.As gay men gathered and voices grew louder, we moved to another gay bar. In every drinking session, there is a funnel rule, and conversations eventually end up revolving around self-boasting or relationship issues. Since it was a gathering of gay men, discussions naturally tended to focus on same-sex issues. While a couple of them were openly sharing their relationship problems, Jaeoh and I didn’t have much to say. Siwoo occasionally seemed to glance at me, but generally, these guys didn’t ask me such questions. They knew I wouldn’t answer even if they did. Today, after hearing Siwoo’s words, I thought that maybe they found me pleasant, and there was nothing more to be curious about.“But why did you quit your job?”Amidst the atmosphere of the table dividing, Jaeoh approached me and asked. I couldn’t answer recklessly. It was because I couldn’t play around with Jaeoh to oust Jung Yiyeon. Despite the strong influence of alcohol, my judgment was not zero.“I just felt shitty.”“….”“I don’t know if looking at him will make her my man or not. It seemed harder to sort things out by looking at him.”Denying that he was the one I liked, but also not believing it, it was foolish to keep denying it to someone who worried about me in a different way than Siwoo. He asked, and I couldn’t keep denying it to him anymore.“You’re being extreme.”“But I’m fine.”“Yeah, right. You’re so in love and all.”“Ah, it’s annoying.”Right. He even saw me crying. My face twisted in belated humiliation. Jaeoh burst into laughter, a hearty laughter that made his handsome face shine in this dimly lit bar.“Idol. You got that nickname right.” I reached out and tousled his hair.“What’s the matter?”“You look cute. Since my glass is empty, why don’t you pour me some more?”As I played the role of a perverted middle-aged man, Jaeoh teased, “Sure, sure,” and filled my glass. After filling his own, he raised it.“Cheers.”He took a sip and put the glass down, but I continued to empty mine.“Are you going to cry again?”“Why do you keep saying that? I was really drunk that day.”“That’s why I told you not to drink too much. It upsets your stomach.”“I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll be lying around dead anyway.”It’s Saturday, after all. I laughed. Seeing that hearty laughter coming out of me, I realized I was indeed drunk. My head felt light and dizzy, and I felt pleasantly good. It seemed overly good.“What are you going to do from now on?”“I’m thinking of taking a break until Hyung comes back.”“Hyung?”“I vaguely mentioned that I’d find a place for you before, so if I want a job, I can find one anytime.”“Did you tell Hyung that you’re taking a break from work?”“He hasn’t been home for a long time, so I haven’t seen his face. He said he’s been busy and won’t be coming home for a while, so there’s no need to say anything.”Saying that, I held up the empty glass, and Jaeoh sighed, filling it for me. After emptying one more glass, Jaeoh looked at me with a strange expression.“…Let’s sleep together tonight.”What kind of nonsense is this? I’m sure I rejected that suggestion earlier.