Speak of The Devil

“It’s not like that. I’m telling you not to sleep alone tonight. My Hyung isn’t at home.”“Am I a child? Can’t I sleep alone?”“…Even if you’re fine now, try lying down alone at home. See what thoughts come to your mind all night long. Idiot, that’s where it starts.”“What starts?”“Anyway, don’t sleep alone tonight. Sleep with someone else if you’re not going to have sex. Or stay with me. I can handle that much for you.”The guy by my side could easily handle anything, but I felt burdened. At the same time, I felt skeptical.What thoughts will I have all night if I’m alone? What thoughts will come to my mind? Thoughts about Jung Yiyeon? Thoughts about the car accident?What is the beginning of that? The beginning of regret, the beginning of pain awareness. Instead of asking more questions, I got up.“Where are you going?”“The bathroom.”It felt like my steps were a bit unsteady. Amidst the dizziness, my mood was floating. I worried about Jaeoh, but I really felt fine. I didn’t drink that much, and despite being able to control my body, I was pleasantly intoxicated.It was probably fine. Since I felt this good, I would sleep well. If I quickly go home and sleep before this alcohol wears off, there shouldn’t be any problems.After using the bathroom, washing my hands, I looked at Lee Nan in the mirror. The awkward glasses were gone, revealing the handsome Lee Nan who tossed them away. He looked good today too. Thanks to sleeping well last night, my skin looked good. So, Jaeoh was wrong. Last night, I really slept well.…Even if it’s not that I slept well, I wanted to claim that I did. It’s true that I tossed and turned a bit, but it wasn’t agonizingly sleepless. And in the future, I’ll sleep even better. I don’t need this kind of alcohol-induced mood.Suddenly, I felt the need for fresh air and a cigarette. As I moved, the alcohol seemed to rise more, but the slightly floating feeling was subsiding. What if I just fall asleep somewhere now? Even in my younger years, when I drank a lot, I never fell asleep on the streets.With foolish thoughts, I climbed the stairs that led to the back door next to the bathroom.Even though it was late at night, you couldn’t see stars in Seoul. The nightlife district was full of neon signs shining brightly, leaving no place for stars. Looking up at the dark night sky, I had a strange thought.It’s past midnight. Has my boss, Jung Yiyeon, finished work? It shouldn’t have been too difficult to adjust the schedule since I suddenly disappeared. Did he complete today’s schedule properly? Did he have a cup of coffee in the morning? Was there someone to provide a warm snack in the afternoon to boost his energy? Someone who quickly and perfectly prepares what’s needed.Of course, until now, he was the one who managed things on his own, so he must be doing well. A person who diligently handles his work without emotional fluctuations…Still, I should call and ask if he had a good day. So, I searched my pockets for my phone. However, it wasn’t there. I could recall that I left my phone on the table soon after coming out.Ah, damn. It’s really lucky. If I had brought it with me, I almost made a drunk call.“…Damn it.”Calling someone while drunk? Who would do that? Me? Lee Nan?Ha. I must be crazy, Lee Nan. I’m really laughing at myself. Attempting to do something I hated the most, full of lingering attachment, with Jung Yiyeon? Hahaha. No, this is really amusing. I couldn’t stop laughing like a maniac.Thinking of smoking a cigarette and regaining my composure, I searched my pockets and found a few bills, but there were no cigarettes.Oh, right, I didn’t buy cigarettes. I’ve been smoking Jaeoh’s all this time. That’s funny too. Laughing, I turned towards the convenience store nearby.Oh, but…“…Boss?”That person was right in front of me. In the slightly hazy distance without glasses, among the indistinct faces passing by, only his face was clearly visible.The surprised expression on his face when he saw me was amusing. I couldn’t help but laugh.“Jung Yiyeon.”I grabbed his wrist without hesitation.There’s something tastier than cigarettes, so there’s no reason for me to go buy cigarettes. In fact, it seemed like I needed this man’s lips rather than cigarettes. This was a pleasure that didn’t cost money.I dragged the man into a narrow alley, pushing him against the wall. Being a man, tall and not lacking in strength, and currently drunk, I didn’t feel any resistance from the man, perhaps due to that.I eagerly grasped his handsome face and without hesitation, pressed my lips onto his. I kissed his lips several times, sucking, pulling, and licking them. I wanted to enter his lips, so I teased the edge with the tip of my tongue. However, even as I tried to push it in persistently, he did not open his mouth. Like a stubborn statue, he avoided my tongue as much as possible.To a subject who didn’t resist at all.“Sir, open your mouth.”I’m telling my boss to open his mouth now. I said it and couldn’t help but giggle.Suddenly, it felt like his arms were wrapping around my waist. It was warm during the day, but the temperature had dropped abruptly at night. Despite being covered by clothes, I could sense his body temperature. Perhaps he recalled something he knew.I pressed my lips against his again. His lips parted, and before my tongue could explore, his tongue smoothly slid into my mouth. I twisted my tongue around his, swallowing his saliva.In the warming breath, an alcohol scent, whether it was mine or his, was thick.I don’t remember if he led or I led.There were scattered memories, possibly because the alcohol was too intense. When I regained a bit of consciousness, Jung Yiyeon was pressing me down in a dizzying view.“Ah…!”An unrestrained moan escaped me at the unfamiliar sensation below. I reached out, gripping Jung Yiyeon’s shoulders. The thin shirt under my palm was caught. The man, who had taken off his jacket and loosened his tie, still hadn’t properly removed his pants, was thrusting his genitals between my legs.“Ah, ahh!”I moaned, also wearing a shirt. The well-developed organ that bit into it painfully felt intense. Jung Yiyeon, gripping my buttocks, seemed annoyed by the tightness as he furrowed his brows.I was half-heartedly erect, but it was painful. With each thrust, a pleasurable yet tingling pain surged. My spread thighs trembled. In the throbbing ache filling below, what flowed from my mouth wasn’t a sweet moan but a painful scream.But it was too good. The fact that Jung Yiyeon was in front of me. I realized now that I missed the man I never wanted to see again. During the time we were apart, there seemed to be a mountain of longing piled up inside me, which I didn’t realize until now. Otherwise, there would be no reason for even this painful pleasure to be delightful.No, no. It’s because I’m too drunk. I’m too drunk.“Ugh, ah!”I desperately justified while using my hand to grip my genitals.Jung Yiyeon passionately entered and withdrew from me repeatedly, exhaling rough breaths. I shook my hips while masturbating. I felt like something very vulgar and obscene, but I didn’t care. Jung Yiyeon’s pleasure, the pleasure he gave me, was the only thing that mattered. Despite the occasional interruptions due to pain, I wanted to somehow continue and connect that pleasure.I didn’t want to think about how Jung Yiyeon saw me. Shaking under him, touching myself to continue the pleasure, I didn’t want to think about how I looked doing this. As the uncomfortable feeling filled me while the alcohol was wearing off, Jung Yiyeon was still good.The sensations gradually started leaving only pleasure spreading below. Since the erection persisted without having to touch it, I let go of my genitals and instead grabbed his shoulders. Our eyes met.The pleasure and ecstasy of being drunk and the regret and self-loathing that twisted into them as the alcohol started wearing off happened in an instant. Our movements were so passionate, but in Jung Yiyeon’s cold gaze, I shivered.As we looked into each other’s eyes, amidst the gradually diminishing effects of alcohol, painfully clear emotions emerged. The only common emotion was contempt.Contempt toward myself. And he… also had contempt toward me.“Uh, huh…”Jung Yiyeon’s gaze tore at my chest, and I turned my head, tightly closing my eyes. I wished I were drunk again. But my short blackout was gradually becoming clearer. Moaning in excitement and feeling the man moving inside me, I was shaking in a tremor of pain.However, I couldn’t stop. It was shameful that I had seduced him in my drunken state, and it made me angry, but in the moment of accidentally meeting him, I couldn’t help it. I was so glad to see him like this. Even if it was just a dream, even if only hatred remained, I wanted to share body warmth with him once more.I wasn’t just bored. These hours without you were just too free.The feeling of love did not fade away with the resolution not to like you from now on. In reality, I missed you and wanted to see you.“Ah…”The moment I realized, it felt like tears were about to fall. Perhaps my vision really became blurred. So, I embraced his neck. Because I was drunk. Jung Yiyeon was also too drunk to be doing this with me, so could I cling to him a bit more? Would he forget? With such thoughts, I desperately clung to him.“Ah!”However, Jung Yiyeon pulled away my arms and swiftly withdrew from within me. Jung Yiyeon flipped my trembling body abruptly, causing my head to spin with the sudden change in position. But before I could get used to it, a cold, viscous liquid was sprayed onto my buttocks.“Ah…!”It was probably some lubricant or gel provided in the motel. Jung Yiyeon, having applied the slippery liquid to my buttocks and teased my genitals a few times, penetrated me again from behind.“Uh!”I groaned, clutching the sheets tightly. Jung Yiyeon, pressing my back with his hand, continued his thrusts. His member stretched my walls, stabbing deep and pulling out, then thrusting back in rapidly. Thanks to the slick liquid, the pain dulled, and pleasure completely filled the space.“Ugh, uh, uh, ah, ah!”With his movements, I moaned, leaning my forehead against the motel bed, letting out a muffled laugh. Not his home, not a hotel, just some random motel. A self-deprecating laugh burst out. It was miserable. However, despite crushing that misery, my body happily moaned in response to the thrusting.In the end, this animalistic sex, akin to the mating of beasts, didn’t stop. There were no kisses stealing each other’s breath. It continued meaninglessly, and vulgarly, towards climax.Once this act concluded, he would immediately get up, leaving me behind as if I were nothing. I knew that now he wouldn’t hold me like I was precious and stay until morning. There was no tenderness in the hands that touched me. But even knowing this, I couldn’t let him go.I longed for him so much. The desire for him wasn’t easily severed. Claiming everything was just a ridiculous self-deception. I was still here, loving Jung Yiyeon.Jung Yiyeon, letting out a mixed sigh with a thick breath, promptly withdrew from me after finishing. I sprawled onto the bed, having endured, and could barely open my eyes. However, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.One side of the bed felt sunken. It seemed like he had sat down. However, there was no conversation. Not a single word in the room without any mixed sounds. Only the rough sounds of two breaths echoed, fading gradually.And when the breathing calmed, Jung Yiyeon got up, picked up the jacket that had been tossed around on the floor, and left the room without saying anything. I remained dumbfounded, staring into space.…Damn.Swallowing curses, I groggily raised my body. My hands, shaking, picked up the underwear and pants scattered on the floor and began dressing. My legs and waist ached. Still feeling the lingering effects of alcohol, my head was dizzy, and I just wanted to collapse on the bed and sleep.Of course, sleeping in a motel like this was out of the question. I forced myself to get up. At that moment, I noticed a plastic trash bin next to the bed.I stared blankly at a white liquid-filled condom sticking out of it. A crumpled piece of trash, tied into a knot. I couldn’t take my eyes off the remnants of desire inside it. What could be different between the dirty condom discarded in the trash bin and my current self? Only self-deprecating questions arose.I did it with Jung Yiyeon, and then he left. What was left for me after Jung Yiyeon left? Nausea welled up. So, I fled the motel like running away.You’re crazy, Lee Nan. Amidst misery, I despised myself.“Lee Nan!”My steps unconsciously headed back to where they were before. People were gathered in front of the bar where I used to drink with Jaeoh and others. Under the neon sign, Jaeoh’s face looked pale. There was a mix of relief and difficulty on the face that spotted me.Damn, but all that comes out of my mouth is just curses.“Where were you!”“My phone.”“I got it. What’s up with you? Where were you?”Jaeoh was both relieved and angry.But I didn’t want to hear it, so I just wanted to tell him to shut up. I wanted to shout at him to stop worrying because I didn’t need his concern.The time I was away wasn’t that long. It didn’t take much time for things to unravel. After a brief departure, there were only movements for the sake of appearances, and then there were actions for the situation.“Lee Nan.”With no response from me, Jaeoh, who stood in front of me, called my name in a choked voice.However, even if I stop or beg, I have nothing to say. I just stared blankly at him, and then, I snatched my phone from his hand.“See you later. I’m tired and need to rest.”“Hey, Lee Nan!”Jaeoh raised his voice again. The guys who had been watching approached us in surprise. But I really had nothing to say, and all of this was just annoying.“Go get some sleep. It’s late.”“Is being late a problem when you’re acting like this?”My voice was anything but calm, while Jaeoh raised his tone. Thanks to that, I felt even more exhausted. No, in fact, I was already tired as it is. In reality, I was forcing out words I didn’t want to say. I calmly and indifferently spat them out because I wanted to appear unaffected.“It’s burdensome, Jaeoh.”In fact, I couldn’t even manage to put up any pretense. So, I was in a state where I couldn’t control myself, even to the point of speaking coldly to Jaeoh, who was worried about me.“…”Jaeoh shut his mouth at my chilly words. The guys behind him glared at me wide-eyed. The looks were anything but amusing, conveying disbelief at how I dared to say such a thing to Jaeoh.But at this moment, I couldn’t even laugh. Instead, a profound pain took hold of me.Of course, it wasn’t because of the wounded Jaeoh. What hurt was me, who was wounded. Jung Yiyeon should have treated me like this today. No matter how drunk he was, it shouldn’t have been like this. Damn it, I shouldn’t have grabbed his offered hand, and I shouldn’t have responded to his kiss. Even if I tempted him, I shouldn’t have satisfied my desires with my body.This was not a test of hope. It was just Jung Yiyeon being a bastard.“I’m leaving.”Forcing down the flames rising inside me, I turned my body. I didn’t want to see Jaeoh’s face. But I knew this was the right thing to do. It was better to cut off and leave coldly.I should have been cut off like that too. However, the sex with Jung Yiyeon that happened earlier torments me too much. It shouldn’t have been like that. Jung Yiyeon, who accepted me, was a bastard, and I, who couldn’t control myself and wanted him, was a stupid idiot.Hopeless Lee Nan. As I take a taxi home, I repeatedly shake my head to shake off the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that keep flooding in without a break. It felt like I had never been this exhausted in my life.My chest was stuffy, overwhelmed by regret and pain. But more miserable than that, a feeling of sadness takes hold of me. The reason for that sadness was even more heartbreaking. More than any other reason, the fact that I was going home alone was sad.I was tired and in pain, but it was sad because there was no one to embrace me with my sweaty body against their own sweaty body. It was sad because there was no Jung Yiyeon, gently caressing my body and kissing me.Crushed dignity didn’t seem to matter at all. My regret was only one.If it was going to end up like this, I should have just stayed silent. I should have kept my confession to myself. We were having sex, hugging, and kissing abundantly. Even if it wasn’t a romantic relationship, he felt more like a lover than anyone else.When I arrived in front of my house and got out of the taxi, I was on the verge of collapse in one place. It felt insane.I kept repeating to myself that it’s okay, that I can forget, but I eventually succumbed to the longing. In truth, there was not a single moment when I didn’t miss him.Thinking of calling him under the influence of alcohol? No, perhaps I drank to make the call because I wanted to. I couldn’t cling to him while sober, so maybe I tried to get drunk to do it.…I must still love Jung Yiyeon enough to want to cling to him like that.“Ha….”Why. Why did I happen to run into Jung Yiyeon? Why did we meet in such a place?Even after getting out of the taxi, I couldn’t go into the apartment and sighed standing there. I pressed my hand against my eyes because my legs weren’t moving well, took a deep breath, and exhaled a long sigh.Past midnight. It was a street crowded with various types of entertainment establishments. From franchise hops, cocktail bars, and karaoke to room salons, host bars, and more, there were countless businesses on the street. Surely there were hidden places for minorities scattered all over, such as franchise hops, cocktail bars, and karaoke. We went to that street because we were looking for such a place.Isn’t it obvious why Jung Yiyeon roamed that street?In search of a man who would warm his bed in my place. The partner was someone who didn’t matter as long as he was somewhat appealing; anyone would do. So, even after casting me aside, he could easily hold my hand again.Because to Jung Yiyeon, I’m nothing. I’m just a piece for sex, and he’s a damn bastard who doesn’t care about my wounds.“Lee Nan…!”I heard a calling voice. I turned my head towards the road, and where the taxi I had ridden was gone, there was another taxi standing. Coming towards me from that taxi was Seo Jaeoh.“…I said it’s burdensome, you idiot.”Facing Seo Jaeoh, who looked at me with painful eyes, I muttered coldly. It felt more miserable when I saw his face. I couldn’t help but feel wretched because I knew that I would probably have a similar expression in front of Jung Yiyeon.Tears welled up with another realization.Why doesn’t Jung Yiyeon chase after me? How can I be so insignificant to him? How can he not like me when I like him so much? Even after intertwining our bodies so passionately countless times.“Go away.”Feeling sad, frustrated, hurt, and angry, I couldn’t bear it. Despite knowing about venting anger, I couldn’t stop pleading with Jaeoh in a bad way.“It’s not you. I won’t accept you. It will never happen again, so now…!”“I know, you idiot.”“Damn it, what do you know? If you know, then just leave. Figure it out on your own! When I tell you to leave, just leave!”Please go away without becoming as miserable as I am. However, Seo Jaeoh didn’t listen to my words till the end.“Well then, what about you?”“….”“If I just leave like that, what will you do?”“Why does it matter to you? It’s none of your concern!”“I don’t want that.”Strange turn of events. Why did the situation end up like this? You, who was worried about me suddenly disappearing and reappearing, shouted at me, and my response was indifferent.Now, I couldn’t contain my emotions and was screaming. Despite knowing that it was just an outburst of frustration rather than genuine concern for Jaeoh, I couldn’t control myself.Facing me in this state, Jaeoh showed an astonishing level of composure. He stood firm, as if determined not to back down. The only things shaking were his pupils as he looked at me.“When did I ever tell you to like me? When did I ask you to console my heart?”Ah… frustrating bastard. Incredibly frustrating. I wanted to curse, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak.“That day, when you were crying and I came out, that feeling was damn disgusting.”It was a day when I had drunk heavily after losing to Jung Yiyeon, intending to have sex with Jaeoh but ended up crying my heart out. It was the day I confessed that I had feelings for someone else.“So, I didn’t want to leave you crying alone.”Jaeoh spoke with a faint sigh. His breath seemed heavy somewhere. But as heavy as it was, his words were unwavering.“Don’t cry alone. I don’t wish for anything else from you. Why burden yourself?”Firm and resolute. Before the unwavering Jaeoh standing in front of me, trying not to collapse, I felt like he was so firm that I could entrust myself to him just before falling.My face was wet as I wiped it with the back of my hand. There was moisture on my hand.In reality, I was crying. I had tried not to cry, but I couldn’t even tell when I started sobbing.Sniffling, I wiped my face again with the back of my hand. Jaeoh followed behind me. But I couldn’t push him away anymore.It became more complicated because of Seo Jaeoh. My head felt like it was going to explode, and my heart felt like it was tearing apart because of Jung Yiyeon. I couldn’t endure it anymore.I rubbed my face with the back of my hand. It was moist.I was actually crying. I had tried so hard not to cry, but I didn’t even know when I started sobbing.Sniffling, I wiped my face again with the back of my hand and turned my body. Jaeoh followed me, but I couldn’t push him away anymore.It’s all Seo Jaeoh’s fault. I don’t know anymore. I just wanted to rest. To get through this night, which I couldn’t face alone.