Speak of The Devil

Upon entering the house, I casually tossed comfortable clothes to Jaeoh, then showered and lay down on the bed. Jaeoh, who had also showered after me, cautiously climbed onto the bed, making an effort not to touch me. Despite recognizing his efforts, I didn’t turn around and face him.Jung Yiyeon… Jung Yiyeon. There was no way to block out that name, constantly surfacing. Throughout the night, I busied myself trying to suppress my pain.I genuinely appreciated Jaeoh. If he hadn’t occasionally comforted me, I might have ended up thinking about Jung Yiyeon, tormenting myself with my foolish actions, and perhaps even contemplated self-harm. My heart was so heavy that I had thoughts of wanting to die.It wasn’t about meeting Jung Yiyeon again. Even if we happened to run into each other, it wouldn’t involve engaging in any intimate activities. I was a fool who couldn’t bear such treatment, even though there was no reason for me to endure it.I won’t do that again. No matter how much I miss him, I’ll endure it. I won’t allow myself to be treated like trash by Jung Yiyeon again. I will somehow cut off my feelings.Amidst all the dark emotions, the most prominent was now self-disgust and self-loathing. Regretting my foolish actions over and over again, I vowed not to repeat the same mistakes.***I was unwell throughout the weekend. Due to drinking too much and mixing various drinks, I suffered from a severe hangover. Even drinking water made me vomit, and my head felt like it was going to split open while feeling dizzy.Amidst this, my whole body ached, as if I had been beaten. It was ironic that my body hurt when what I had received messily was only my heart. Swollen tonsils and a high fever made it impossible for me to get out of bed.It was somewhat relieving to fall asleep while enduring it. Those moments of sleep were the only times I could forget the physical and emotional pain. After enduring a painful night, feeling physically exhausted made falling asleep seem almost fortunate.Whenever I briefly woke up, Jaeoh fed me water and medicine. He insisted on going to the emergency room, but I really didn’t want to deal with anything. The comprehensive cold medicine he brought from the pharmacy was sufficient.I couldn’t even eat the food Jaeoh brought. My stomach felt so bad that after a few bites, I crawled to the bathroom and vomited everything. It took too much effort just to rinse my mouth and face and return to bed.It must have been quite a repulsive sight. Fortunately, I had showered the day before. If I had slept in the same state after pouring alcohol and engaging in a messy sexual encounter, I would probably have been fit for the garbage disposal.It hadn’t reached that point, but the smell of alcohol continued to linger in my breath. My head would have been pounding, and due to the fluctuating fever, my sweaty body felt sticky.Seo Jaeoh didn’t show any signs of displeasure. Throughout the weekend, he supported me by my side. Whenever I woke up from sleep and opened my eyes, Jaeoh was there. His expression was full of concern for me. I was truly a helpless fool.Nevertheless, under Jaeoh’s meticulous care, I quickly recovered. By the time I woke up, the fever and body ache had subsided, and as Sunday afternoon approached, the reversed whirlwind in my stomach improved enough for me to eat something. Just reaching that point felt like a victory.By Monday morning, after groaning loudly and then sleeping soundly, my body began to feel lighter.The improvement in mental state along with the physical recovery was a fascinating phenomenon. At least the waves of emotions tormenting me had subsided.“…Ah, embarrassing.”Thanks to that, my self-pity became too embarrassing. It had reached a point where my body shivered at the flamboyant black history written from Friday evening to Saturday night. The emotional storm that had raged from then until Saturday night felt embarrassingly trivial. I couldn’t even look Jaeoh in the eye.“What’s the big deal?”When he spoke as if everything was fine, I felt even worse. It was embarrassing to show a crying face again. Moreover, after experiencing disappointment and engaging in reckless behavior, I couldn’t face the world.“Aren’t you going to work?”“I took the day off.”His answer left me dumbfounded for a moment. The fact that he took the day off made me feel absurd. It felt like irritation was rising rapidly.“It’s not because of you. I applied for it last week.”Before I could get angry, Jaeoh intervened. The fact that he had applied for the day off in advance sounded somewhat insincere.“For real. Hey, I have to endure here for a year. Otherwise, it’s forced deportation.”“What are you talking about?”“I originally planned to work at my father’s company. But working with my father isn’t as annoying as you’d think. So, I became a bit negligent, and my father said if that’s the case, why not go study abroad. I didn’t like that idea, so I endured it, but then my uncle connected me to Director Jung’s hotel, and that’s how I came to Seoul.”I didn’t know there were such circumstances. Why would the son of a well-off family suddenly work as a concierge at Jung Yiyeon’s hotel?“So, it’s not like I can just do whatever I want. I worked without a day off for the entire last month. That’s why I took a day off for you.”…If it wasn’t because of me, I had no reason to be upset. It was still burdensome for him to use his precious day off for me, but I couldn’t push away someone who wanted to do that.“Should I clear the table now that we’ve finished eating?”“Yeah, sure.”Jaeoh skillfully began clearing the table. He gathered the disposable plastic containers that held the delivered food into a plastic bag.After cleaning and organizing the house, which had been neglected for the past few days, there was nothing for both him and me to do. It was around lunchtime on Monday. The sight of two unemployed people flipping through TV channels in the living room looked pathetic.“How about going to your place soon?”“Wow, look at your manners. After being taken care of the whole weekend, you’re telling me to leave quickly?”Jaeoh sounded slightly reluctant, but there was mischief in his face. I could see him making an effort to lighten my mood.However, telling him to go home was my sincere feeling. I couldn’t treat him without some consideration, as I had sorted out my other relationships before. But I knew I had to sort him out. Dragging Jaeoh along with my wavering emotions was not good for him either.Considering Jaeoh’s feelings about the topic of my repeated embarrassing moments, which constantly created a series of black histories and inconveniences, was a bit awkward. But at least I didn’t want to subject Jaeoh to what I had personally experienced.…Or perhaps it was more selfish than that. It wasn’t that I could love Jaeoh just because I didn’t love Jung Yiyeon. I genuinely didn’t want to owe him anything.My situation wasn’t so bad that I needed someone by my side to the extent of requiring constant care. Perhaps it was thanks to tasting the lowest point of self-loathing after causing chaos on Friday. My mind was relatively calm. Occasionally, when memories of me being treated like an object by Jung Yiyeon during seduction and sex resurfaced, I felt like kicking the air with a high kick, but overall, my emotions towards Jung Yiyeon weren’t tormenting me as they did when I drank.Though there were moments when my heart felt heavy, I wasn’t as troubled by the emotions towards Jung Yiyeon as I used to be when I drank. I could just ignore it and endure it to some extent.“Go. You need to take a break too.”“I don’t want to. I’ll sleep here tonight and go out early tomorrow morning to stop by my place and change clothes.”“Why bother doing that.”“I’ll stay only until today. Even if you ask me to stay together again, I won’t.”With him saying that much, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t reject someone who was concerned about me and willing to stay by my side. Jaeoh and I watched TV, then went to an internet cafe to play a game we used to play during our university days. Although the controls were a mess after not playing for a long time, and I was causing trouble for the team, Jaeoh, who never stopped playing games even when he went to Busan, carried me through. I may not have won many games due to my trolling, but time passed very well.In the evening, we had dinner together. There was no more argument about him leaving. After eating bowls of soup, we returned home. I felt like having a drink, but Jaeoh shook his head. We chatted while watching TV, then went to bed a bit early, around ten.…Maybe Seo Jaeoh didn’t anticipate this kind of time.In the dark room, sleep didn’t come in the silent darkness. Instead, emotions that hadn’t surfaced during the day began to emerge on the surface like lies.Jung Yiyeon. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I even tried looking at my phone to break the thoughts, but my mind continued to follow memories of Jung Yiyeon.From the moment I fell in love with him at first sight during the first interview, memories flowed like a running river. I remembered the tingling sensation in my chest every time I saw him. Now, those emotions were piercing my heart painfully.“Um….”“…!”As Jaeoh lying next to me made a mumbled sound like sleep talking, I suddenly felt like I was going crazy. As his restless body touched mine, I was startled and instinctively huddled, pulling my knees close.Even though I tried to erase it, a heavy question persisted in my chest.Why?Why isn’t the one beside me Jung Yiyeon?The sound of breathing in the silence, the feeling of presence behind me, the occasional warmth—all of it. Why isn’t it Jung Yiyeon’s? I distinctly remember falling asleep on this bed, embraced in Jung Yiyeon’s arms. The excitement and tremor from that time still vividly linger.Despite trying to shake off the now useless emotions, the times spent at his place kept coming to mind. A large and well-decorated house. It was a more spacious area than my living room, yet Jung Yiyeon’s bedroom felt cozy. The bed carried his scent so strongly that lying on it felt like my heart would burst.I had mixed my body with Jung Yiyeon multiple times in that room, considering it a sex fitting for the expression “sharing love.” At least, that’s how it felt to me. It was just that there was no love from Jung Yiyeon.Even though I knew, I couldn’t erase the touch of his lips or the caress of his hands that followed the peak of ecstasy. Despite the overwhelming emotions from that time now causing me pain… I missed him.Is Jung Yiyeon sleeping in that room now?Or is it someone else in that room, not me?“Ah….”A moan flowed out. At the end of the insane longing, the flames of jealousy surged fiercely. Vague memories of the person who was by his side when we first met at the gay bar came to mind. Min Seowon’s face also appeared. The thought of him seeking someone else made me furious and bitter, and my heart burned pitch black.When Jung Yiyeon embraces someone else, would he be as affectionate as he was with me? Or would he, as he did with me, make the person miserable?Friday night. I remembered seducing him on the street, taking him to a motel, and the sex we had. Jung Yiyeon moved roughly as if there were only holes to fill. I spread my legs and consoled myself like that.Damn, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have cleanly parted ways and left. At least, I should have preserved my dignity.…If it was going to be like this, I should have just endured my emotions. I should have kept my confession to myself. Then, at least, I wouldn’t have been treated like a sex toy.No. When was there a time when I wasn’t just a tool to Jung Yiyeon? Because of my self-loathing, I chuckled like a madman.I tried to somehow cut off my thoughts, but it didn’t work well. Perhaps Jaeoh anticipated such moments. Does Jaeoh know because he has experienced it himself?If that’s the case, Jaeoh should have known that having him by my side at this moment wouldn’t help me in any way. I was even angry about that.What I wanted wasn’t Seo Jaeoh. What I desired was not Seo Jaeoh, not even once. What I wanted is and has always been Jung Yiyeon.Despite knowing that I shouldn’t get angry with Jaeoh, I couldn’t help but be furious. The emotions were beyond the normal range and were uncontrollable. It was a gruesome mix of emotions.In the midst of unbearable agony, I awaited the morning. When daylight returned, it felt like this torment would miraculously vanish like a lie. As the night deepened, sinking into darkness, I could only wait for the morning to come.However, the morning didn’t arrive as quickly as the sleep that didn’t easily come. The time endured alone felt painfully slow.When I left Jung Yiyeon, I thought my heart had become numb. But I didn’t know it was just the beginning.***The next day, Jaeoh went to work. It was around that time that I, who had finally fallen asleep, slept through the morning. When I woke up, it was around one in the afternoon.My daily routine had gone haywire in an instant. After waking up late, I checked my phone. It had become a habit. Jaeoh had contacted me several times. He asked if I woke up well, if I had breakfast.Now, even the concern annoyed me. Was it because of the wretched night, or was it because my judgment was distorted due to my agonizing emotions? I couldn’t even accept Jaeoh’s concern graciously.I knew it would be better to do something, anything. Having too much free time seemed to make me more miserable. Yesterday, I was fine during the day, but today, my mood was bad from the moment I woke up.However, with no special skills, what could I do right now? I aimlessly left my house after washing up, but I had nowhere to go, so I ended up heading to an internet cafe.I logged into the game I played yesterday. As expected, my skills were terrible, and I lost several rounds. I received a barrage of insults. Even bastards who took care to ask about my deceased parents were plentiful, but I didn’t feel any anger. I was just indifferent.But with nothing else to do, I spent several hours in the internet cafe. I should eat something, but I had no appetite. In the meantime, my stomach seemed a bit hungry.When I was contemplating whether to have some ramen at the PC bang, I received a phone call. It wasn’t Jaeoh’s call, which I had ignored with reassurances that I was fine. This time, it was Taehun’s call, after brushing off Siwoo’s contact.I didn’t refuse Taehun’s suggestion to have dinner, as meeting someone other than Jaeoh or Siwoo seemed preferable. We met at a decent Japanese restaurant. Thanks to someone who claimed not to like fish, I rarely encountered this type of restaurant.“Hey, Lee Nan.”The guy who arrived first greeted me. Taehun worked as an assistant director at a broadcasting company. I knew he often worked overtime, but it seemed he had some free time nowadays. He still enjoyed drinking whenever he had spare time, just like when he was an office worker.“What’s up?”I asked abruptly as I sat down. Unintentionally, my tone was sharper than usual. However, Taehun didn’t mind.“Nothing special.”“What?”“It’s been a while since the two of us had a meal together, right? I thought you were free, so I called you.”Since when had we been eating together, just the two of us? I didn’t say a word.“Just, Jaeoh was worried. He said your taste has gone bad.”The moment I heard that, I felt like I was drowning in Seo Jaeoh’s vast generosity. Without saying anything more, I stood up from my seat. However, Taehun stopped me as I tried to leave.“Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on, hold on. What? There’s no need to go out. Let’s have a drink. There’s no place to go like this.”“You don’t have to worry about it. Tell Seo Jaeoh that too.”“Got it, got it. But still, since you came out today, be my dinner companion at least. That guy’s stubborn. Can’t you see that?”Rather reluctantly, I looked at the guy holding onto me and eventually sat back down. With an exaggerated sigh of relief, he ordered sushi and sake. I didn’t refuse the glass he filled for me and drank it.“Still, isn’t Jaeoh commendable? Being a concierge is not something ordinary, but seeing him work so hard.”Watching the guy praising Seo Jaeoh as if he were bragging about his own child, I couldn’t help but smirk. Of course, it was fortunate for me that Jaeoh was taking care of me in front of others. If Jaeoh were negligent even in work and acted annoyingly towards me, it would be even more irritating.Anyway, Taehun was more comfortable than Siwoo. He didn’t unnecessarily pretend to know about my work and skillfully led the conversation. While enjoying sashimi and sake, we continued with casual talk.Taehun, who worked at the broadcasting station, always had endless topics for conversation. Despite not being interested in celebrities, backstage stories that only insiders could know were intriguing. There wasn’t a melodrama like that. Despite repeatedly urging to keep it a secret, I listened to Taehun’s words without thinking and laughed, sipping on my drink.“Isn’t it hilarious?”“Yeah. How do you even work after seeing all that?”“Well, work is work. It’s not like I’m personally involved with them. If I extract the content skillfully, that’s all.”“Simple and nice.”At least, it was more enjoyable than the time spent playing games alone. As I chuckled, Taehun refilled my glass again. Despite having drunk a lot already, I didn’t refuse and poured the alcohol into my mouth.“It seems like you’ve lost some weight during that time.”Suddenly, I felt Taehun’s gaze persistently on me. The gaze that stared at my swaying Adam’s apple, my squinted eyes facing the smiling guy… It felt sticky.“So maybe that’s why you look damn sexy.”It was a surprising comment. It seemed like this guy might have taken some drugs.“What’s your motive?”“Motive? Come on, don’t be so suspicious.”“You like Jaeoh, don’t you.”At my blunt remark, the face that had been smiling gently froze for a moment. He quickly managed his expression, pretending to laugh nonchalantly, but it was already futile.“What are you talking about?”“I may not care about others’ business, but I’m not stupid.”Despite claiming to enjoy drinking sessions, I was well aware that if Jaeoh suggested meeting, he would make time even from a busy schedule. Moreover, the unexpected contact today was probably due to “Jaeoh’s concern.”“I rejected Jaeoh. There’s no hope for us, so stop bothering around unnecessarily. Go catch him without a reason.”“If the emotions entwined between us were so easily resolved, we would have sorted it out a long time ago. It’s not like I have fervent feelings to that extent.”Indeed. I decided to put an end to my feelings for Jung Yiyeon, and it wasn’t like I could love Jaeoh. What right did I have to comment on others’ emotions? As Taehun said, our relationship had been long, and it was as complex as the extended period filled with various emotions.“Well, that’s my business from now on.”Taehun regained his mischievous smile from before.“I want to do it with you now.”“Why? Do you also want to experience Jaeoh’s technique? But what can you do? I don’t find you appealing.”“Why worry about whether you find me appealing or not.”He said provocatively.“I’m curious about your backside.”Oh, this guy, he’s making his move. Come to think of it, I never had a drink with Taehun before. There was definitely a reason for that. I chuckled and kindly smiled at him.“I dislike you because you’re ugly.”With my words, Taehun’s face, which was filled with shock, opened wide. Seeing the laughter evaporate, I felt refreshed. I filled my glass with a relaxed smile, emptied it again.“Wow, you.”Taehun’s face quickly turned red. It was a funny sight, but not cute at all. Anyhow, the type that makes me feel lustful was certainly not him.“I’ve never heard anyone say I’m ugly with my head shaved!”“Were there only angels around you?”“Are you the devil?”Grumbling, Taehun glared at me. Why not come at me, attack me. I chuckled. Only then did I realize that the alcohol had significantly kicked in.“Want to hear something hilarious?”“What is it? Is it as funny as saying I’m ugly?”It was an even funnier story.“Some idiot said they caught a contagious disease of kindness and devotion from me.”“Crazy bastard! No, you guys are the crazy ones. Who did you deceive so perfectly?”That statement was the answer. Jung Yiyeon wasn’t the crazy one; I was the one who went crazy for Jung Yiyeon. I, who used to hear harsh words from others, had become a considerate and devoted secretary. It wasn’t because someone told me to, not for work, but simply because I wanted to.To suppress the emotions welling up inside me, I downed the drink Taehun had filled for me. Thoughts of Jung Yiyeon resurfaced, making it impossible for me to avoid drinking.Taehun, who had been observing me with a strange look, asked, “Did you sleep with your secret crush?”“Nonsense.”“No, you definitely did. The atmosphere.”“Drop it. Don’t ask, and don’t assume.”“No, the atmosphere is peculiar. A really awkward atmosphere.”“Wanna see a photo of Jaeoh? Should I send it to you?”“Hey!”Why are you whining? I coldly mocked the guy, whose face twisted, and ordered another bottle of alcohol.Then, suddenly, with his ears turning red, Taehun asked, “Hmm. Do you have a picture of Jaeoh?”…Ah, does someone like this really exist?Why does a person’s heart flow in only one direction? Why can’t it become mutual, with me liking Jung Yiyeon, Jaeoh liking me, and Taehun liking Jaeoh? If the arrows between Jung Yiyeon and me, Jaeoh and Taehun, pointed toward each other, everyone could be happy.Observing couples in love, those who eventually get married are truly admirable. Beyond sharing similar feelings and bodies, living together for decades is something else.“Well then.”I took out my wallet and showed Taehun Jaeoh’s proof-of-identity photo. It was a picture Jaeoh had given me some time ago.