Surviving as a Useless Bard in a Game

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There is a very common cliché in the fantasy genre.

It’s similar to how helicopters inevitably crash in action movies or how high-rise buildings always topple.

In a medieval fantasy world, wagons are an extremely dangerous means of transportation.

There are countless scenarios: getting overturned, being assassinated, being ambushed, getting targeted by thieves, having the coachman swapped out, or one of the party members betraying you…

There are too many possibilities to count.

Skylar and I cautiously looked outside and spotted a few thieves.

Of all places, the wagon had stopped in a remote area, with no one around to call for help. Completely surrounded… we might die here.

For some reason, Skylar’s expression looked very calm. No, not just calm; it was more like relief.

“Wow, thieves.”

“…?”

“Ah, don’t worry.”

“Even if you tell me not to worry, I can’t feel at ease at all…?”

“Because I know the coachman well.”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

“Just watch. I’ve paid enough.”

“…Hey!”

“Ah, more importantly, let’s save the talk from earlier for later. This isn’t exactly the right time to bring it up. Just relax. I plan to keep the contract, at least.”

“Fine. But explain what you mean by knowing the coachman and all that.”

“The coachman I hire is a bit expensive. I’ll let the outside view fill in the rest.”

Hearing Skylar’s words, I looked outside the wagon again.

The number of thieves, which had surely been more a moment ago… had decreased a little.

It was easy to notice why the number of thieves was dwindling even without observing closely or thinking hard. Someone was quickly taking care of them.

The reason I used the term “taking care of” rather than “killing” or “fighting” was simple.

It wasn’t a “two-way” situation enough to use terms like killing or fighting. It was one-sided.

The elderly coachman, who had been expressionless and silent for a long time, was now methodically cleaning up the thieves without a word, just like when he was driving the wagon.

“…What’s that?”

“In general, coachmen earn far less than apprentice knights. However, there are always exceptions.”

“Can’t you just get to the point without all this lengthy and pretentious talk?”

“Ah, you caught me.”

“Hey.”

“Anyway, there are rare cases where a coachman earns more than apprentice knights. The answer is simple. It’s just that if the coachman is strong enough, that’s all there is to it.”

“What?”

“Yes. Generally, no one messes with the wagons of noble families, except for a foolish few. But cargo wagons without any insignia are a different story. They look tempting, like luscious fruits.”

“And then?”

“Well, I’m explaining right now. Stop interrupting!”

“…Right.”

“Merchants or new money types would just hire adventurers for protection, but some coachmen thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be enough if I just got strong?’ The coachman I hired is one of those rare ones.”

“I get it. So, that means you spent a bit of money, right?”

“Yes. He’s strong enough to be considered level 2 in terms of magic. I doubt he’ll have trouble with those thieves.”

“Ha… please tell me these things in advance.”

“I’ll do that from now on.”

While we were conversing outside, the sounds of battle that occasionally reached us began to die down.

And then, only silence remained.

A blood-stained leather glove suddenly entered the wagon.

The coachman still said nothing.

“Is it… over?”

The coachman didn’t reply.

He simply nodded to answer.

The coachman returned to his seat, and a clattering sack was carelessly placed in the cargo area of the wagon.

“What’s that?”

“Leather, armor, weapons taken from the corpses. It belongs to the coachman, so don’t touch it.”

“Okay. But… isn’t that person going to talk?”

“He can’t. He has no tongue.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t hear the reason. But I like people who are tight-lipped, so I hired someone like that. That’s all. The reason I used a barrier to communicate was… because I tend to be cautious.”

“Right.”

“Anyway, let’s finish what we were discussing at the inn.”

“Huh?”

“We need to save money. One room should be fine, right?”

“Hey… if you hired the coachman cheaper, couldn’t we have gotten two rooms?”

“That’s true. But if I had hired the coachman cheaply, we would either run out of my scroll reserves or our heads would be rolling on the floor.”

I couldn’t really argue against Skylar’s point.

I wanted to refute it, but I couldn’t.

Let’s save it for later.

You little brat… Ugh.

*

Skylar paid for the inn.

I suggested we rent a room on the second floor of the Adventurer’s Guild to save money, but it was dismissed. The reason was that you couldn’t write scrolls at the Guild.

However, as compensation, she said she would cover all the costs of staying at another inn.

At first, I refused, but… honestly, I didn’t want to spend my own money. In the end, I accepted Skylar’s proposal and got to enjoy a more comfortable inn for free.

And finally, the conversation began again.

“Shall we revisit the discussion we had in the wagon?”

“Why you’re avoiding the Mad King?”

“Yes.”

“…Right. Honestly, I thought you’d just gloss over it and move on, but this is unexpected.”

“What kind of image do you have of me? I thought I treated you well up to now… didn’t I?”

“No, there’s something called first impressions.”

Skylar looked at her hazy reflection in the corner mirror of the room.

She checked her face from side to side and then asked me.

“Honestly, am I not good-looking with this face?”

It was true that she looked good, but I didn’t feel like complimenting her.

“…You’re a kid saying such things.”

“No, ha…”

Skylar tried to counter my words, but for some reason, she held her tongue.

The whole sequence felt extremely awkward, as if it had abruptly cut off. I sensed something was off, but for now, there was another answer I urgently needed to hear.

“Let’s get back to the point. Why do you want to avoid the Mad King?”

“Simple. Because the Mad King is going to target you and me.”

“…Why?”

“Before I explain that, let me ask you one more question. You can lie in your answer if you want. This isn’t a contract; it’s just a pure question.”

“Okay. What’s the question?”

“Do you lack any memories from your childhood or growth period?”

A sharp question.

Because I lack basic knowledge about this world… such a question could easily arise.

How should I respond?

I could feasibly say that I came from another world—and that would be an honest answer. But I wanted to keep as much information from him as possible.

He also had things he was hiding from me, and I had things I was keeping from him.

He mentioned that this question wasn’t a contract, just a pure question.

‘…It seems Skylar is vaguely expecting me to lie.’

Then, just as he wished.

I spat out a lie.

“Yes. Not just from childhood, but most of my memories are gone.”

“I see you think of me as a test subject. The reason is… you used [Determination] while I was asleep due to the curse of narcolepsy.”

“Determination?”

“It’s a simple scroll that lets you know the status of a subject. Using it without permission is a crime… but if I apologize now, would that be acceptable?”

“It’s fine. But what do you mean ‘test subject’?”

“There’s no human existing who carries seven permanent curses and five permanent blessings in one body.”

…That number sounds familiar.

‘Negative traits and positive traits. The numbers are the same.’

Perhaps the traits I chose exist in this world as curses and blessings. If so, it seemed Skylar was mistaken about me.

Well… there’s no need to clear up this misunderstanding right now.

‘After all, it works in my favor.’

I still didn’t trust Skylar. So I wouldn’t answer. There’s no need for us to be honest with each other, right? We’re just traveling together.

“But?”

“The reason you lack memories is simple. The magicians are obsessed with controlling variables, so they erased your memories, which could pose a variable.”

“And what does that have to do with avoiding the Mad King?”

“There are very few forces that can store, transfer, and inject such numerous blessings and curses.”

“…One of those forces is the Mad King?”

I fell into thought for a moment.

Fortunately, I was still maintaining a high level of intelligence. My mind was working fast.

Because of that, I was able to catch that Skylar was lying right in front of me.

‘Not exactly a lie. Everything he told me is true. But I specifically asked why he’s avoiding the Mad King, not why I should avoid him.’

In other words, he still hadn’t answered my question.

He cleverly danced around a different truth, while withholding the actual reason he’s avoiding the Mad King.

‘Relentlessly.’

If I just ended the conversation here, I felt like I’d be at a loss.

I needed to gain something too. Right?

The art of conversation is to observe the surrounding situation, judge, and quickly adapt while seeking one’s own advantage.

No matter the intelligence, my mouth moves independently to find its own benefits.

Right now, Skylar was intentionally dodging the core of the question.

I had asked why ‘Skylar’ was avoiding the Mad King, not why ‘we’ were avoiding him.

“Now, will you answer my question?”

“…Ah, I guess I can’t get out of this one.”

Skylar sighed deeply and began his story.