ALL NOVEL The better Ziyu Ai treated him, the harder for Zhishu He to accept him. On one hand, Zhishu He didn’t want to hold him back. On the other hand, more importantly, Ziyu Ai was too much like Wenxu Jiang in his previous days.
The tender way he looked at him with a smile and doting eyes; the great commitment and deep loving he had been showing discreetly towards him. It was all so shockingly familiar.
Zhishu He remembered the time when the college entrance examination was around the corner, his mother learned about the affairs between him and Wenxu Jiang. His mother, the gentlest woman usually, picked up a broom to lash him. Wenxu Jiang pulled him into his arms and shielded him with his body completely.
He said, “It is all my fault. Please don’t punish him.” He didn’t flinch. He shielded him from his mother’s greatest pain and anger.
And then he leaned towards Zhishu He, and said the words Zhishu could never forget, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here.”
So Zhishu He could only have the strength to never forgive Wenxu Jiang. But he could never be able to forsake all the memories and deep love they had had.
It was so unfair to Ziyu Ai.
*
Wenxu Jiang went to Anxian Cemetery the day before he left. For half an hour, he kneeled before Zhishu He’s parents’ graves, and burned paper money for them.
He flattened every piece of the paper money and threw them into the fire. His fingers were quivering uncontrollably. It seemed like Wenxu Jiang had gotten 10 years older in an instant. The emaciation of his cheeks and his tired eyes showed no sign of the former untamed wildness.
His face was a little darkened by the roasting fire. His voice was low as if he was afraid to disturb their spirits underground, “I…”
He paused a little bit to constrain his crying, “If I knew it would come to this, I would never have come near Zhishu He from the start…”
Getting away from him and watching him to get a better life. He would be admitted to a great medical school and get a girlfriend. He would become a doctor after graduation. Even though Zhishu He might not be happy, but at least, Wenxu Jiang would not be the cause of his unhappiness.
Wenxu Jiang knew that he didn’t deserve Zhishu He. He was selfish. After being flattered for such a long time, he thought he deserved all the flashy new things he wanted. So he went wild, and became a playboy who didn’t remember home. But to think of it now, if he didn’t have Zhishu He by his side from the beginning to the end, he was nobody, nothing.
When he reached out and grabbed nothing he realized he had burned out all the paper money he got. He pulled himself back to reality and kowtowed to their graves, “I know you must miss Zhishu. But please don’t take him away this early…” Wenxu Jiang didn’t want that for Zhishu He’s short life. Zhishu’s life was hard when he was loved, while his life got better, there was no one to love him. He knew he could never compensate all the things Zhishu He had lost, but he would do whatever he can. And for the rest, he would make it up to him in the next life.
It is 1200 kilometers from Hangzhou to Beijing. And in every inch of it, I’m missing you, Zhishu.
Wenxu Jiang looked down through the porthole of the plane, where he could see nothing but clouds. The loneliness hit him at this instant. He used to think that he was powerful and fearless. It was only because he had Zhishu He by his side.
Wenxu Jiang was great at pretending. He pretended he was fierce and strong. But in fact, he matured too late. Zhishu He had always been indulging him, tolerating him. From the moment they got together till the end he decided to leave him, Zhishu He Had never embarrassed him at all.
Zhishu He was always tender and soft. Even after all the lonely nights, all the suffering Jiang put him through, and all the pain caused by his disease, he only looked at him dearly and hugged him tightly when he was leaving.
But still Jiang let him go first.
If every time you were about to lose someone, you could just hold them tighter, how much less regrets you would have in your life.
It was 7:30 when Wenxu Jiang arrived in Beijing. Just getting out of the plane, he felt the biting coldness of the northern winter. The cold wind at night could pierce your bones.
His assistant Song came to pick him up, and brought him a warm coat.
“Where is Jingwen now? On his honeymoon?” Wenxu Jiang put on the coat and asked.
His assistant thought for a moment and recalled the vague impression, “Mr. Zhang is still in Beijing. His bride’s grandfather is dying.”
Wenxu Jiang looked at his watch and said, “Go wait for me in the car. I want to give Jingwen a call.”
His assistant answered and took away his luggage.
Wenxu Jiang leaned on the wall diagonally; he was too tired to stand straight. He rested for half a minute, then he took out his phone and called Jingwen.
“Wenxu?” Jingwen Zhang picked up quickly and asked, “Where are you?”
Wenxu Jiang lowered his head and pinched his nose, “I’m back in Beijing.”
“Then…”
“Don’t ask.” Wenxu Jiang interrupted Jingwen Zhang because he didn’t want to bring up the pain. “Do me a favor, please.”