The Snow Queen

“At this hour?”

“So what? Look, there are so many people out here tonight. Everyone’s excited because it’s the first time in a while they’ve heard it won’t snow until tomorrow morning. Even the nurse said there’s no problem with convalescent patients sledding. Let’s go outside. It’s been ages since I last sledded, and I’m itching to do it.”

“Sled by yourself. I’ve never sledded before.”

“Wait, you’ve never… what?!”

Messara nearly choked on his coffee mid-swallow. I smiled bitterly. His reaction was only natural. Someone who has never sledded in the land of snow was no different from an Eskimo who doesn’t live in an igloo.

Messara stared at me in disbelief.

“You’re telling me you’ve never sledded before?”

“That’s right.”

“Ice fishing? Skating? Skiing?”

“Never done any of them.”

“Are you some kind of foreign spy?”

“That joke wasn’t even remotely funny. And besides, I don’t even have a coat to wear outside.”

“Oh, so you’re serious. Well, in that case, I have no choice but to get you sledding tonight, no matter what. Wait right here, I’ll borrow a coat from the room next door.”

Practically dragged outside, I found the sledding area packed with people. Since it was right in front of the hospital, there were quite a few patients, too. Underneath the coats of swollen-faced young men, you could see hospital gowns peeking out. Probably hobos who got beaten up by Guiger and ended up hospitalized. It was amusing to see them sledding so happily in that state.

Messara, full of enthusiasm, picked out a sled. He went on about which ones reduced friction and how some sleds looked good but weren’t actually that fun.

He was so full of energy…

During the day, he’d go out to quell protestors, and at night, he’d come find me and indulge in fun. His stamina was remarkable. He was good with his hands, had sharp observation skills, and was brimming with curiosity. I envied him in many ways.

Then I remembered Messara’s repulsive hobby, and I couldn’t help but smirk. I guess the world balances things out. Well, since it’d be awkward for him to sled alone, I decided to accompany him… without thinking much of it, I got on the sled.

Ten seconds into the ride, I regretted it. I screamed as if I were using up all the screams I had in me for a lifetime. Messara laughed at my reaction.

“Haha! Closing your eyes makes it scarier. Keep them open and look ahead.”

Messara rode the sled down the course three times in a row. By the third time, I had gotten used to it and started to enjoy myself.

“So? Did you have fun?”

By the time I gathered my senses, I was drenched in sweat. I was ready to go back and sleep, but Messara grabbed me, insisting we go to a nearby Japanese restaurant. He dragged me there, where he ordered tuna sashimi. For the first time in my life, I picked up chopsticks.

“It’s like a circus on the table. You need to move your index finger properly. Try like this.”

Messara taught me how to hold the chopsticks. I was so clumsy that he burst into laughter again. He eventually gave up and asked the server for a fork.

“You know an awful lot of things.”

“Me?”

Messara skillfully handled his chopsticks and shrugged.

“Well, knowing the basics of things like good food and lighthearted fun isn’t anything special, is it? Anyway, how’s the sashimi?”

“It’s good.”

“Hmm…”

Messara let out a typical scoff.

“Doesn’t seem like you’re very into food.”

“It’s really delicious.”

“Your expression says otherwise. You look like someone who’s just eating to fill their stomach.”

“It’s my first time having tuna sashimi.”

“All the more reason to be curious, isn’t it? It’s more natural that way.”

At those words, I put my fork down.

“Is that so? Curiosity makes things feel natural?”

“In most cases, yes. Oh, I don’t mean to impose that on everyone, so don’t misunderstand me.”

“I get what you’re saying.”

Messara didn’t speak further. He put down his chopsticks, lit a cigarette, and the server immediately approached to inform him, “No smoking here.” Messara replied, “I’ll step outside for a moment,” and left. I gave a bitter smile.

“Being curious makes things feel natural, huh…”

I felt bitter. I had lived such a desolate life.

Someone who has never been to the desert doesn’t know the heat of its sands. Someone who has never seen the ocean doesn’t know the saltiness of seawater. That was exactly like me.

I never thought about savoring food as I ate it. I didn’t realize that something as horrible as heavy snow could become a tool for fun until I rode the sled. It was only then that I understood just how many things I had missed while cooped up in a room, battling illness.

I looked out the window. Along the slope of the sledding hill, a white birch forest stretched out.

It would’ve been better if I had never known…

On the way back to the hospital, Messara and I walked in silence. The crowd descending the hill was noisy. Many families were out, along with patients from the hospital, adding to the commotion.

“…Today,”

I impulsively opened my mouth.

“Thank you.”

“Hmm.”

Messara let out his usual scoff. It seemed like he was expecting me to say more, but I had nothing else to add. It felt like there was a hole in my chest. Honestly, I felt miserable.

The wind blew fiercely, tossing my hair around like seaweed swaying in the currents of a dark ocean. I recalled how they say that even when a human body decays, the teeth and hair are some of the last things to remain. Realizing that the only thing I had to show for my 27 years of life was my hair made me feel pathetic.

It was pitiful self-pity. My life wasn’t worth sympathizing with, yet this rising feeling, like the smoke of a campfire, disgusted me. But I couldn’t help it. It’s human nature to find it hard to blame oneself. I wasn’t someone detached enough to escape that cycle.

Suddenly, Messara wrapped his arm around my waist, like a college student pulling their lover close as they walked down a hill. Strangely enough, I felt calmer. I liked Messara’s gentle gesture. Even though I knew he’d eventually reveal his revolting hobbies, I half wanted to be deceived by him.

Maybe.

Maybe…

I felt ridiculous and pathetic for entertaining such useless hopes. Messara was a cruel and selfish member of Guiger. He was the man who would ask if I was okay while simultaneously using my body to satisfy his needs. That’s how he’d always been, and that’s how he still was.

Get a grip, Ray.

Don’t forget. Think of the birch forest.

“Wow! I’ve never seen someone with such long hair before!”

A child running ahead of us shouted while looking in our direction. I quickly pulled myself together. Messara chuckled and said,

“People are staring at us. You noticed, right?”

“It’s probably because of this hair.”

I said, feeling a sense of defeat.

“Haha. It’s not just because of the hair… Though, it is the most noticeable part. That golden hair shines even at night.”

“Golden hair, huh.”

“On nights like this, it almost looks silver.”

“I see.”

I responded indifferently.

Suddenly, Messara’s shadow came closer. Slowly, his lips met mine. It was a soft and warm kiss. I closed my eyes, feeling the heat as it pressed deeper. In the enveloping darkness, I felt the sensation vividly. It was like a red-hot flame invading my chest. Messara’s hand moved from my cheek down to my chin.

Time seemed to stop. The noisy crowd faded away. He was a cruel man, the kind who would make me nurture false hopes in the end.

Messara pulled me close again. Then, without a word, he started walking down the hill, before suddenly changing direction.

“There’s a hotel over there.”

He whispered mischievously, grabbing my hand. I let out a bitter laugh.

Yeah, that’s just the kind of guy he is.

As we walked in step, I glanced back. In the distance, I saw the birch forest. The cold wind from the white forest seemed to be sobbing.

꙳•❅*ִ

“Are you in a bad mood today?”

Sideburns spoke up suddenly.

I hadn’t said a word during today’s department meeting. My head was a mess. Clearly, it was because of what happened yesterday.

Even though I had a great time with Ray, my mood soured at the Japanese restaurant. There was no clear reason for it. All I knew was that halfway through the meal, a wave of heat surged through me, and it hadn’t gone away since. Even after venting my frustrations in the hotel with Ray, my mood was still in shambles.

“Yes, I’m in a bad mood. So if you have nothing to say, please leave. I’ve got a mountain of approvals and work to do.”

I replied indifferently. Sideburns’ face clearly showed his thoughts:

What a cocky bastard. For a moment, I considered blaming an innocent fly and slamming my whip down on the desk.

Sideburns shrugged.

“I take it that if I have something to say, I should stay? Take a seat for a moment.”

He comfortably leaned back on the office sofa. I seriously considered calling in Leopard. I could’ve had him give Sideburns a little thrill of some office sex, but I thought better of it. It would’ve been too generous a favor for the likes of him.

“What do you want?”

“Hmm.”

Sideburns looked me over carefully and smiled. He wasn’t a pushover, after all. Given a bit more experience, he’d definitely be the kind of raccoon who kicks up dirt everywhere he goes.

“There’s a gathering tonight. How about it? Interested in coming?”

I immediately understood what he meant. Every Friday night, Release held a card game at the membership room of the Elizabeth Hotel. Skipping the formalities and just asking if I was interested meant he’d already figured out that Guiger was no simple gang. I’d expected him to stir things up eventually. It was infuriating. Absolutely infuriating.

“No, I’m not interested.”

“Don’t feel pressured. You can just drop by casually in plain clothes. If it feels awkward, you can bring some of the other department heads along.”

He had the audacity to push further. This raccoon was exceeding all expectations.

“Isn’t it a bit too much for you to get ahead like this? I doubt Lord Wolfscott will be very fond of your actions.”

“Not at all. From the moment I requested to take charge of Guiger, it seems I’ve already gone ahead. I believe that Guiger, who is a strong supporter of the Lord’s authority, and the rising young force, Maria from Release, are essential. I assume that Reponika shares the same view as me. I interpreted your placing me in charge of Guiger as a bold challenge.”

“We only listen to direct orders from Lord Wolfscott.”

“This isn’t the time to say such things. What a clever commoner you are, leaving something out. I’m offering you an opportunity. Come see me tonight. A proposal you won’t be dissatisfied with will be waiting. I’m really curious about the face hidden behind that mask.”

The sideburns stood up straight. It was a sign that he intended to wrap up the conversation. It was arrogant and one-sided.

Anger boiled beneath the surface, bubbling like lava. I wanted to strangle the author with a whip until he crapped himself. Not only do I have to lick Lord Wolfscott’s butt, but now I have to serve the young masters as well?

However, I was a man of great patience. I had an excess of patience, at least when it came to bad deeds. I watched the sideburns head toward the door, mulling over in a short span of time.

“Arisa.”

The sideburns flinched. I silently laughed at his expected reaction.

My low voice was deemed quite seductive by the bottoms. They said it was cold and fierce like whiskey, claiming they felt they could go just by my voice.

“What is it?”

The sideburns replied nonchalantly. Despite his feigned indifference, the stench of the bottoms reached here. There was no way out for either of us.

I deliberately moved closer to him.

“I’m sorry, but I’m just a commoner. I’m merely a shepherd following orders from above. Moreover, our heads have never shown their faces outside unless absolutely necessary.”

“And?”

The sideburns shifted his gaze, growing restless. I chuckled inwardly. He had a knack for being a raccoon, but he was still a novice.

“You say Arisa has a good proposal this time, but I still don’t feel inclined. It’s about us appearing in casual clothes before Release. If we were to storm into a five-star hotel membership room wearing masks and flapping our coats, there would be suspicion from all around. I won’t go to the membership room. Please get a separate room and wait. I will come alone, dressed casually.”

“Is that so…?”

The sideburns loosened his tie and spoke.

“And when you open the door, please blindfold me.”

“Why?”

The sideburns glared at me with angry eyes. I adjusted his tie. He trembled.

“Isn’t that a bit stimulating? The Royal Suite at the Elizabeth Hotel would be great. It has a good view and even a jacuzzi, so I believe it would be perfect for socializing. Then, I’ll see you at nine tonight.”

The sideburns left without further words.

After finishing a glass of vodka, I called Leopard.

“Tonight’s dinner is for the gilded butt. Keep your schedule clear.”

That night, I visited the Royal Suite at the Elizabeth Hotel. The sideburns opened the door while blindfolded with cloth. I immediately laid Leopard on the floor and began the work. I sat back in a chair and watched the scene unfold. It was quite a sight. I had no intention of sticking anything in that hairy butt from the beginning. Leopard was muscular and well-endowed. He would surely satisfy the sideburns.

I leaned back in my chair, added ice to my glass, and poured whiskey. The strong taste was exquisite. I swirled the whiskey glass, enjoying the view before me.

It was alright. As the sideburns said, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to establish a connection with Release in any way. I had suspected from the start that Lord Wolfscott’s placing me in charge of Guiger was part of a strategy to draw in Release. And now, the hairy guy moaning beneath Leopard was ambitious and smart. There was no reason not to fulfill the song of socializing he was singing. It would also be quite amusing to have the noble master hanging onto me.

The sideburns howled. He was so thrilled he seemed to be dying. He whined to be treated like a bitch. Leopard glanced at me while working.

“Hey, do you like it that much?”

I chuckled as I spoke. The sight of the author mistaking the situation was hilarious. With that big body and all that hair, he was howling away. Even Ray, who was less than half his size, wouldn’t moan like that.

I took pictures from angles where Leopard’s face was not visible. I had to have this as insurance. Leopard put on crinkly transparent gloves. He immediately went in with a fist.

We punished the sideburns for over two hours before leaving the hotel. I left a note saying, “Did you enjoy tonight? I’m just going back because I passed out. Let’s establish our relationship in the office…” The face of the unconscious sideburns was filled with happiness. I wondered how the department heads would react if I shared this story as a snack during drinks. If I threw in the photos, they would likely be laughing until their stomachs hurt. Hahaha.

It was Saturday. After finishing work at the headquarters, I stepped out onto the street. I planned to visit Ray this afternoon.

The snowfall was heavy. It took over an hour to get from the headquarters to the hospital. I decided to set off to avoid the bustling lunchtime. I walked slowly on the street to get some fresh air.

Ray would be discharged in a few days. I intended to seat him in the government, but persuading him was the problem.

Will you date me? That was definitely not something I could say.

I was at a loss as to how to charm that strict, pedantic person. He had even dismissed me as just a “well-mannered pervert.” Just reviving that description made my blood boil.

I shook my head violently and sank back into thought. How could I find a natural means that would benefit both of us? It was vague. Even though I was an emperor of bravado and lies that department heads wouldn’t hesitate to praise, this matter was quite the headache.

I walked slowly down the street, lost in thought.

A polite pervert, huh…

Of course, I couldn’t have had a good image. Besides, my job was being a member of the Guiger gangster organization.

Ray had mentioned that he didn’t just fear Guiger; he absolutely hated them. To be honest, I found that a bit odd at the time. Ray wasn’t someone who usually expressed his emotions so intensely. He rarely showed interest unless something was directly related to him, a fact I had picked up from observing him.

But he had said, “I absolutely hate them.” Curious about whether there was a special reason, I cautiously probed him about it while at the hospital. The answer I got was unexpected.

“It’s not so much Guiger itself…”

Ray looked out the window, pausing for a moment.

“…It’s more that I hate the aristocracy as a whole.”

He smiled as he said that. I set down my coffee cup for a moment. It was a strange smile—one mixed with self-mockery, bitterness, and a hint of hidden anger. It was a complex, multifaceted expression. I shrugged my shoulders and took another sip of coffee.

“I see.”

It didn’t seem like the time to dig any further, so I let it go, though it left me with lingering curiosity whenever I thought about it. Why, I wondered. I figured I would find out eventually. One thing, however, was clear—convincing him wouldn’t be easy.

At that moment, something caught my eye. A clothing shop with red wooden walls, blue-painted window frames, and white lace curtains. The small sign on the glass door read “Esther Style.”

After glancing at the display window, I stepped inside. The moment I opened the door, the strong aroma of coffee filled my senses.

“Welcome.”

The woman who greeted me appeared to be of East Asian descent. With her narrow eyes, prominent cheekbones, and glossy lips, she exuded sensuality. Her figure was small but voluptuous, wrapped in a clinging red cheongsam dress.

Hmm…

I took a moment to appreciate her. I wasn’t sexually interested in women, but this particular woman was certainly worth a glance. She seemed fully aware of her own allure.

She offered a slight smile, lifting just the corner of her mouth.

“Are you looking for something in particular?”

“The clothes that catch my eye are what I’m looking for.”

“We don’t carry anything in your size, I’m afraid, haha.”

“These clothes aren’t for me.”

The woman nodded with an “Oh,” her expression thoughtful.

I slowly surveyed the store, examining the clothes. From the bold primary colors subtly toned down to the exquisite materials, nothing seemed ordinary.

“The designs are impressive.”

The woman laughed softly in response.

“You have a keen eye, sir. Most people tend to shy away from such designs.”

“That may be true at first glance, but once you try them on, it’s different. Did you design these yourself?”

“Of course.”

I picked out clothes, estimating Ray’s build. I figured softening the mood with a gift would make it easier to bring up what I needed to discuss.

The woman crossed her arms and chuckled.

“Our clothes are quite expensive, sir. Especially the ones you’re choosing right now—they’re our most premium items.”

“That’s a needless concern. You’ll want to treat me well today. I’m the kind of customer who can cover your monthly sales in a single day.”

“You’ve got quite the taste. Your lover must be lucky—blond, right?”

“A lover…?”

The woman raised an eyebrow slightly and moved closer.

“Then what are they?”

“Well… I guess you could say he’s my ‘Fair Ray.’ And he’s a man.”

The woman lowered her eyebrows, laughing.

“Oh dear, why are all the handsome ones gay? So, this must be the beginning?”

“Yes, it is. And today, I regret my own sexual preferences.”

I blatantly looked her over from head to toe as I spoke. The woman, wearing a mysterious smile, fanned herself with an oriental-style fan.

“I don’t know how much my appearance impressed you, but if I were you, I wouldn’t compare myself to ‘My Fair Ray.’”

“Why not?”

She snapped the fan shut with a flick.

“The movie had a happy ending, but the original play,

, didn’t. In my country, we have a saying: ‘Words become seeds,’ meaning they can come true. If I were you, I’d go with

for a comparison.”

I fell silent. Suddenly, that damned witch came to mind.

After finishing the purchase, I left the shop and drove to the hospital. Despite the late afternoon hour, the traffic was horrible. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

He sure does like the young lady, doesn’t he… tsk tsk tsk.

The witch’s words echoed in my ears.

Damn it. I clicked my tongue.

Do I really like Ray? I couldn’t deny it. I did have quite the fondness for his body, at least.

Suddenly, I remembered the past. One day when I was 13, I had sex with a guy for the first time. At that time, my body was already thick as can be. I didn’t question my identity as a man who swallowed his spit and completely removed my virginity. My tastes were mixed and small. After that, I tried all kinds of partners, but they usually ended in one night. The first person I liked enough to want to make a mistress was Ray. From the age of 13 to 29, for 16 years.

I stubbed out the cigarette, which had burned down to the filter, in the ashtray. I took out another one and lit it. I was in a terrible mood. Ray’s indifference to me, except for during sex, kept bothering me. Wasn’t there a witch who predicted that my love life would be a disaster—no, even worse than that?

I tried to organize my thoughts. Ray had someone he was so desperate to see that he would look for his phone the moment he woke up. I, on the other hand, didn’t care about Ray’s feelings and just threw myself at him to satisfy my sexual needs. We had met several times and slept together frequently, yet Ray had never once asked my name. It wasn’t until a week after I was hospitalized that Ray, having asked the nurse, finally stuttered my name. Isn’t the meaning of that all too clear?

It must be because of that damned guy?

“Damn it!”

I slammed my fist on the steering wheel. The jealousy, which kept rearing its head like a snake, now felt like a full-blown inferno. It was disgusting. I wanted to wash my brain with ice-cold water. I was sickened by the possessiveness I felt towards Ray. It was ridiculous. A bitter pain gnawed at a corner of my chest.

I rolled down the window and threw the cigarette out. Cold air rushed into the car.

Well… this is kind of amusing in its own way.

It must just be a fleeting feeling.

Life has its ups and downs, after all.

A honk blared from behind. I gripped the steering wheel and tried to calm myself. I decided to give myself more time to think about these emotions. I dismissed the witch’s ridiculous prophecy as nonsense. As for that “great” guy, all I had to do was crush him. Guiger was the best intelligence organization. Tracking down that “great” guy would be a piece of cake.

I felt lighter already. I decided to drag Ray to the sledding hill again today.

“How have you been…?”

The moment I stepped into the hospital room, my heart sank. Ray was perched on the window ledge, legs hanging outside, staring up at the sky.

꙳•❅*ִ

When I turned around, Messara was there.

“You’re here?”

I said, casually swinging my legs.

Messara tossed the shopping bag he was holding aside and walked toward me. There was a palpable tension in his movements. He grabbed me by the waist and yanked me backward forcefully. The window slammed shut with a loud bang.

“What are you doing? Planning to dive headfirst into the ground?”

“Ah…”

Messara threw me down roughly, and I hit my head.

“I was just hot, so I was getting some fresh air.”

“Well, that’s an interesting way to get some air. Your butt was practically hanging off the window ledge.”

His tone was dripping with sarcasm. I felt a bit angry.

“You don’t think I have enough sense to keep my balance? Even if I did fall, so what? This is only the second floor.”

“Haha, oh really? Just because your discharge date is coming up, you think you’re Hercules or something.”

Messara chuckled, clearly treating me like an idiot. I kept my mouth shut.

Today, the heat in the room was unbearable. I had opened the window and absentmindedly hung my legs out. I had only been like that for five minutes.

“Try this on. I bought it just by eyeballing your size.”

Messara tossed a shopping bag to me.

“Clothes?”

“When you were brought here, you were in your pajamas. Were you planning on leaving the hospital in them?”

“I didn’t think about that. I should’ve asked you to bring clothes when you brought my phone.”

“Indeed. You made sure to bring your precious phone, but didn’t think to ask for the essentials. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.”

Messara kept mocking me. It was excessive, more than just about me. He seemed to have come here already irritated from something else. I quietly fiddled with the clothes. It felt burdensome. The hospital fees weren’t cheap, and now I was getting clothes from him too.

Messara sat in a chair and lit a cigarette. Smoking wasn’t allowed in the hospital room, but he didn’t care at all.

“Try it on.”

His face was full of barely contained anger, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. Reluctantly, I took off my hospital gown and asked, “Did something bad happen?”

“Does it look that way?”

“Yes…”

“You’re right. Yes, something really fucked up happened.”

Messara scoffed, taking a drag of his cigarette. His gaze suddenly fixated on my chest.

Oh no…

Sensing what was about to happen, I smiled bitterly. Messara abruptly stood up from the chair, locked the door, and dragged me into the bathroom. It was a tiny private bathroom attached to the hospital room. He pressed his lips to mine—rough, almost biting. The intensity was so aggressive, it scared me.

I instinctively pushed him away, but Messara didn’t budge. Instead, he turned me around and whispered, “I’m in a really bad mood today. If you provoke me even a little, I don’t know what I might do.” The polite tone in his voice sent chills down my spine.

I forced myself to relax as his fingers explored downwards, slick with oil. Two fingers became three, and they suddenly started digging around inside me, harshly.

“Ow! It hurts!”

“Don’t move. If you start shaking your hips, you’ll really get hurt.”

Messara growled as he pushed in deeper. I tried to stay still, knowing from experience that if I resisted, things would get much worse. Sensing my compliance, his fingers softened their assault, and he began fondling my chest.

“Why are you so angry?” I asked, suppressing a moan. He didn’t respond, instead licking my neck.

Messara pulled me into his lap and sat on the toilet. I immediately felt him thrust deep inside me. I screamed as the pain shot through my lower abdomen. The sensation was overwhelming, like being torn apart from the inside. Sweat poured down my body.

“Don’t pull back your waist. It’ll hurt more if you do.”

The position was unbearable, forcing me to concentrate all my strength downward just to keep my balance. Messara let out a groan.

“You’re gripping so tight… give me a little more.”

He whispered, cruelly amused, as his fingers teased my nipples. He pressed his hand over my mouth and began to move his hips rapidly from below. The sound of slapping skin echoed as the toilet rattled beneath us.

I clung desperately to his shoulders, enduring the pounding from below. Messara caressed my chest gently while ravaging my lower half with brutal force. All of my focus was drawn to the relentless, savage thrusting, as though I were being devoured. The pain deep inside felt like a punch to my gut.

Just when I thought I had reached my limit, he exploded inside me, firing again and again. I could feel the warm liquid flooding deep inside, dripping down my walls. Only then did Messara finally remove his hand from my mouth. I realized I had been crying.

“We’re not done yet.”

Messara turned me over, forcing me into a position I hated. He entered from behind, his fully erect member plunging in. The hard bathroom floor scraped against my back, but it was easier to bear than before. His balls slapped violently against me, the sound of his harsh thrusts echoing in my ears.

“Ah… it hurts. Please, be gentle,” I begged, grabbing Messara’s shoulders.

“Damn…”

Messara cursed under his breath, slowing down slightly. He groped my chest again, pressing himself close against me as he thrusted with short, quick strokes. I couldn’t help but scream.

What was even harder to bear was Messara’s cold grey eyes staring down at me. He was smiling, his lips curled up in a small, cruel grin. He was clearly enjoying every expression on my face. It made my skin crawl. When I tried to avert my gaze, he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

“It’s better if you quietly watch me today.”

Despite my fear, I locked eyes with Messara. He lifted my legs higher, almost suspending my hips in mid-air as he sped up his thrusts. I could see his cock moving in and out between my legs, plunging in like a weapon. I felt like my spine would snap in half. The pain was indescribable.

When I screamed, Messara shoved a towel into my mouth. He finished the act while still in the same position, then cleaned me up and dressed me before laying me down on the bed.

I lay there, covering my eyes with my arm, breathing heavily. I’m not one to get angry easily, but rage consumed me. The smell of cigarette smoke filled the room.

“Seems like that cigarette tastes pretty good. Feeling better now, huh?”

There was a brief silence. Messara grabbed my arm, pulling it away. His grey eyes stared down at me. I turned my head to the side.

“Hmm…”

Messara hummed, dragging out his words. He grabbed my chin again, forcing me to look at him. I closed my eyes, refusing to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry. I was a bit rough earlier. Did it hurt a lot?”

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t just the pain. It was the way Messara treated me that hurt the most. Not the intensity of the sex, but his attitude towards me.

We’d done all sorts of perverted things before, but nothing like this. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke, the way he moved—it was terrifying. The entire time, I felt like I was nothing more than a used tissue, discarded after being dirtied.

Why do I even care…?

I’m no different from a tissue anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

Messara said again, his tone calm.

It was just like the first night. Just like back then, when he asked if I was okay while steadily pushing inside. Messara had always been like this—a man who enjoyed cruel and disgusting pleasures.

Even though I knew this well, I couldn’t calm myself. The sweet moments I had briefly tasted now felt shattered into pieces. It was as if he had deliberately acted this way to provoke this reaction. Or maybe he was treating me like a prostitute. Did he think the hospital bills and clothes were worth what he took from me? Was he saying that since I received these, I had to give him this much in return? The thought was humiliating.

My mind spiraled into absurd thoughts. Images of a birch forest consumed my thoughts. What had happened in that forest that glowed even in the dark? It was filled with lies, betrayal, and regret.

My hand, gripping the sheet, trembled.

“I’ll return the money for the hospital and clothes as soon as I leave.”

I finally managed to speak, biting my lips to keep from crying. I turned my back to Messara, pulling the sheet over my head. I didn’t want to see him. The darkness enveloped me like a tomb.

“Hey…”

Messara cleared his throat before speaking.

“How about we go sledding? The snow has stopped for a bit. They say it’ll stay calm until nightfall. Do you want to go now?”

I didn’t respond.

Messara left sometime after midnight. He kept insisting on going sledding, offering to buy me dinner, and suggesting I try on the clothes, but I remained silent throughout.

I stayed up all night, unable to sleep. At dawn, I put on my clothes and left the hospital. There were still two days left until my official discharge, but it didn’t matter.

I walked home. Without a penny to my name, I trekked for three hours until I reached 42nd Street. My chest ached the entire way. I had never felt my poverty more painfully than I did today. I cleaned the house, which had been empty for nearly two weeks. I wiped every corner with a towel.

I despised myself for wanting Messara, even for a moment. What was worse was that I still wanted him. I wrung out the towel with all my might, water droplets dripping from it like tears.

Foolishly, I had thought Messara might care for me, even a little. I had allowed myself a shred of hope for the man who persistently desired me.

But that hope was a luxury. I was a worthless, incapable person. From head to toe, I was a failure. I wasn’t worth loving, and I had no right to love anyone.

I was merely convenient.

I didn’t want to think about how easy it must have been for Messara to use me as a tool for his lust. The thought would drive me to misery.

I recalled the birch forest under the moonlight. The memory was still vivid. I hadn’t forgotten the joy that had crumbled with screams in the darkness. I hadn’t forgotten the fear of crying before a silent wall. I had witnessed everything. From start to finish, I had seen it all.

I knew perfectly well that the pain to come would surpass that. I didn’t want to fall into the same trap again.

I had harbored feelings that I should never have allowed. Love was an emotion I could neither have nor should have. Messara only approached me because I was easy. I had to leave, with at least a shred of dignity intact. That was all I could hold onto as someone who had nothing.

I hated Messara. He had given me the sensation of the wind caused by a sled. He had made me remember the warmth of a kiss. He had made me aware of things I hadn’t known before.

This was the grave I had dug myself. If I had had any self-respect, I wouldn’t have let him treat me this way. The world was survival of the fittest. No matter the circumstances that had led me to depend on Messara, I should never have accepted it. I should have realized that his kindness had always been to satisfy his perverse pleasures. To expect his emotions was too much.

I had to snap out of it now. Before I got swept away by a flood of emotions, I needed to end it. I had to pull my feet out of the swamp.

He was no Little Prince, and I was no fox. Messara was a thug, and I was a pauper. Messara had needed someone who would spread their legs easily, and I had fit the bill perfectly. That was the reality.

In any case, I didn’t have much time left.

The door rattled violently. I dragged myself out of bed. No one knocked that aggressively except Messara. After calming my racing heart with a sip of water, I grabbed the envelope of money and the shopping bag. I opened the door.

“Why…”

Before Messara could finish speaking, I threw the money envelope and the shopping bag at him.

“Don’t come here again.”

I tried to shut the door, but Messara pushed inside. He practically shoved me. His gray eyes were full of anger.

“What’s this?”

“What do you mean, what?”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t.”

Messara’s clenched fist trembled slightly, as if he was ready to hit me at any moment.

“Your discharge is tomorrow. Why did you leave this morning?”

“Because I didn’t want to impose on you any longer.”

“Ah, right.”

Messara let out a loud, mocking laugh.

“So, by leaving two days early, you think you’ve erased your debt? That’s an amusing calculation. Hahaha.”

“Well, I gave you the money. We’re settled now, so get out. This is my home.”

The smile vanished from Messara’s face.

I lifted my glass, letting the water soothe the burning sensation in my chest.

“If you keep causing trouble, I’ll call the police. Shall I repeat myself? Leave.”

“Is this because of what happened that time?”

“Are you really not going to leave?”

“I need to hear your answer before I go.”

His voice was strained, as if he was barely containing his anger.

I briefly glanced at Messara before turning away. I didn’t want to look at him for even one more second. No, I shouldn’t look at him.

“Where are you going?”

“You won’t leave, so I guess I have to. Stay here by yourself if you want.”

Suddenly, he grabbed me from behind, holding me with immense force.

“Answer me.”

I flinched. His sudden shift in tone gave me chills.

“I said, answer me!”

Messara shouted.

“Yes…”

The reply slipped out unconsciously. His overwhelming presence was terrifying. He spun me around roughly. His cold gray eyes locked directly onto mine.

A tense silence followed.

I didn’t dare to meet his gaze. I lowered my eyes.

Messara’s grip on my shoulders tightened, as if he were about to crush them. His hands trembled slightly. I could see his lips parting and closing repeatedly in my lowered gaze. After several attempts, a voice filled with pain, confusion, and trembling finally came out.

“I love you.”

That’s what he said.

꙳•❅*ִ

Maybe it had been this way from the beginning. I remembered that shiver from back then. I remembered the faint tremor that stirred in my chest the first moment Ray took off his hood. I also remembered the faint disappointment I had felt when Ray stood up without hesitation to Leopard’s offer. I remembered the childish satisfaction I had felt when I was sure I was the first to penetrate Ray. With each passing night, my feelings had grown. But I didn’t know the name of that feeling.

Then the witch appeared. An old woman who had appeared before me as I wandered aimlessly like a French detective. She had been standing in the shadows of a dark alley, wearing a coat that looked just like Ray’s old musty one.

“You really care about her, don’t you… tsk tsk tsk.”

Her whisper ensnared me like a spell. It was a clue. Like offering a cup of coffee with salt mixed in, her words seemed to tell me to find certainty in the scattered pieces of my emotions, as if shouting at me.

“There is no turning back in life. All tragedies return like wind drifting through the darkness.”

Her voice dug deep into my ears like a sharp, pointed chisel. But even then, I still didn’t know the name of that feeling.

When I casually opened the hospital door, Ray was sitting by the windowsill, and my heart sank—not because of the danger of the situation, but because of the sudden scent I caught in his casual “You’re here?” greeting. It was a familiar smell—death.

Only then did I see it: the ‘black stain on a white wall.’ It was as if a curtain that had been obscuring my view for so long was suddenly drawn back. Another realization followed—the ‘fruit stand where the labels had been switched.’

The death the witch spoke of wasn’t mine. It was Ray’s. Life was me. The energetic, always-on-the-move Messara was life.

“Death is too strong. It’s too dark to see anything.”

I realized it right away. And instinctively, I denied it. I doubted its existence. I couldn’t believe the true nature of this emotion I was feeling for the first time in my life. In a fit of anger, I had sex.

Ray never asked for my name, and our relationship continued solely because of my one-sided advances. Ray already had someone more important in his life. I was just a peripheral figure. I couldn’t bear the thought that this ragged pauper had shaken me to my core.

But after being ignored post-sex, I fully understood. I grasped it with my entire body. The pain of rejection was more unbearable than any petty pride.

I threw words at Ray, who had covered himself with the sheets. He gave no reply. His silence infuriated me. What was even worse was the stark white sheet. The way he looked under it reminded me of a corpse. I spent hours trying to persuade him but ultimately failed. Only then did I understand the feeling of despair.

I eventually returned home. Even then, a tiny flicker of doubt lingered inside me. I needed time to sort out my thoughts. I spent the whole night turning things over in my head, feeling like I was wandering through a maze. It was like walking under the biting moonlight while intoxicated, consumed by a chaotic blend of doubt, surprise, and anger.

And then, there was an overwhelming emotion that towered above all the others. It was vast, heavy, and all-consuming. As time passed, instead of fading, it grew stronger, like a wine that became more intense with age. I finally understood what it was called. Now, I knew its name. But I hesitated to say it aloud. It was frightening and absurd.

The next day, I found out Ray had left the hospital. He was gone. In that one sentence, all my doubts evaporated, and certainty filled the empty space left behind. He was gone… It was like a spell had been cast on something deep inside me.

I drove to Ray’s house like a madman. Even as anger surged, that feeling became even clearer. It was like a puzzle where the pieces were falling into place. At last, I had the answer. I understood the sudden bursts of heat that had welled up in me without warning. I finally understood why Ray’s pitiful state, which once amused me, had become unbearable.

I hated the darkness that clung to Ray like a veil. I wanted to tear it away with my own hands and cover that emptiness with something pure, like a bride’s white veil. I feared the witch’s prophecy, hoping with all my heart that it wouldn’t become Ryeong’s fate.

It was the first time—for my feelings, for my words, for my actions—that everything had been so raw and real. The chilling tremor pierced through my entire body. As I drove to Ray’s house, I practiced again and again: “I love you.”

I love you.

“I love you.”

Ray’s pupils froze. Like a pedestrian suddenly caught in the glare of headlights in the dark, they just stopped. The joy I had desperately hoped for, the acceptance—it was all absent. There was nothing. Just emptiness.

Ray’s dry lips slowly moved.

“That can’t be true.”

Ray shook off my hand.

“You should cool your head, Messara.”

His tone was indifferent.

The witch’s prophecy was right. It hit the mark in the end. My love story hadn’t even begun before the black curtain fell.

꙳•❅*ִ

“I love you.”

How sweet those words sound. No one had ever said such a thing to me before. I could never have imagined it. The confession came as suddenly as a knock from a wanderer lost deep in the night.

Messara was the first. With a heart-wrenching voice, blazing eyes, and a pleading gesture, he said, “I love you.”

“I love you…”

The words that trembled from Messara’s lips bound me like a spell. It wrapped around me like a contract under the name of love. It felt like the truth. No, it was the truth. There was no doubt.

He was sincere. It couldn’t have been a lie. It wasn’t like a poisoned apple. The gentle gestures and tender kisses were real. It wasn’t just my imagination. And I realized—I loved him, too. It wasn’t just desire. It wasn’t because I was starved for affection. It was love.

I was happy, yet sad. I wanted to live. I wanted to be with him for a little longer. I wanted to run with him under the sky that whipped up snowstorms, holding hands. I wanted to be happy with him. But I knew. My wish was almost impossible. No, it

impossible. I didn’t have much time left. I wouldn’t be able to endure the pain.

I remembered Marata after a long time. On her deathbed, she told me:

“Be strong. Like your name, live like a flowing river. Only then can you be happy.”

At the time, I didn’t understand Marata’s last words. I still don’t. I was too dried up to live like a flowing river. I was already like a decaying corpse. I had to leave quietly. At the burial site of death, I would clutch dirt in my left hand and pride in my right, and silently grow cold.

That was my fate. It was what I, who remembered the birch forest, had to do.

Lord Manen quietly asked again.

“…What?”

“The results from the hospital came out like that. I don’t have much time left.”

There was a long silence.

“What do you mean, not much time left… then, how long—?”

“Well, I don’t know. It just means I don’t have much time ahead.”

“No… but you’re so young… I thought something was off about your voice, but…”

I could clearly see Lord Manen’s thoughts.

“It’s not a lie. Don’t doubt me. I’ve devoted myself to you for ten years. There’s no way I would use an illness as an excuse to leave you now.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“When are you being discharged?”

“In ten days.”

“That’s later than I thought. The schedule for the Wolfscott party will be over by then.”

“That’s fine. There’s a large banquet at the royal palace in ten days. It’s the kingdom’s founding anniversary, so nearly every noble will attend. We can take care of everything then.”

“I see. Please contact me that day.”

“Will you be alright?”

“I’ve supported you for ten years. I have no intention of leaving now. We need to make a big move.”

“Heh heh.”

Lord Manen let out a sigh. He still couldn’t fully grasp it.

What a pitiful old man…

I smiled bitterly. Lord Manen had spent years relying solely on my counsel, idling away his time. All he had left were callouses on his hands. It must have felt like his world was collapsing.

“I’ll be waiting for your call.”

That’s all I said before ending the call.

After having tea, I stepped outside. I had borrowed money from the neighbors to pay for my hospital bills. There was no time to rest. Miss Ellie from next door had said, “Why are you trying to borrow all this money? The bookstore can’t be doing well these days. You should help me out with my business, then.”

It was convenient. Though I was uncomfortable with working at a bar counter, I wasn’t in a position to be picky. I didn’t want to leave behind any debts with what little time I had left. After everything that had happened with Messara, I was even more on edge about such things.

The establishment Miss Ellie introduced me to was huge. She said it was the hottest spot on 42nd Street. It was exclusively for private rooms and catered only to group customers. There were more than a hundred regular employees, excluding the hostesses. Though the building and hallways seemed ordinary, I was stunned by the opulence of the rooms I caught glimpses of. The place was a bar, but even the regular staff wore distinctive uniforms—a unisex Chinese-style outfit. Working hours were from 9:30 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

I was assigned to the back door counter. The regular counter worker wouldn’t be able to come in for two weeks. All I had to do was assign rooms to incoming guests and collect payments from those leaving. It was a simple job. I just needed to change into the regular uniform in the staff locker room when I arrived and sit at the counter for the rest of the shift.

The back door was relatively quiet. It was a perfect job for someone like me, who hated being the center of attention. Most importantly, two weeks’ pay would slightly exceed what I had borrowed from Miss Ellie.

I passed the time by tapping my fingers on the counter. It was clear that I didn’t have much time left. The results I had received confirmed it. Even the painting of the birch tree proved it.

So when would the torment begin?