The Terminally-Ill Lord Desires Hospice Care

The rumor that Cecilia and I had engaged in inappropriate behavior at the riverside spread rapidly.
Exasperated by the rumor, Cecilia ended up pounding on the door of the lord’s residence so hard that considering the door’s sturdiness and her strength, I had no choice but to open it.

“My lord, may I have a word with you!”
“Enter. And you shall fix the dented door you caused.”
“…Pardon my intrusion.”

After stepping inside, Cecilia looked around and seemed somewhat surprised by the noticeably changed interior.
“When I came to retrieve the medicine, I was too flustered to notice, but it has become remarkably clean.”
“My maid worked quite hard. Though she did utter curses I had never heard before.”
“…I have nothing to say regarding that part.”
“I did not expect an apology in the first place.”

I had her sit at the table and resumed the cooking I had left unfinished.
“I was about to have lunch. Have you eaten, yourself?”
“With how busy I’ve been, I have not eaten anything today.”
“Then you shall eat as well. It is only a slight extra effort.”
“You are cooking yourself…? What of your maid or that coachman…?”
“They have gone out shopping. If they are not present, is it not fitting that I cook myself?”
“Quite unexpected. I had thought nobles disliked such things.”

I did not particularly enjoy cooking, but I did possess basic knowledge of it.
In the past, there had been quite a few instances of me secretly going hunting with my friends behind our teacher’s back and cooking the captured game myself.

“…Thinking back on it now, I do rather miss those times.”
“Pardon?”
“It was merely a private mutter, pay it no mind.”

Yes, just like those meaningless private mutters, such reminiscence was now devoid of meaning.
Knowing better than anyone that time could not be turned back, I could make such a definitive statement.
No matter how many thousands or tens of thousands of times I had begged God, He would not turn back the hands of my clock. Thus, I had defined such wishes as meaningless.

“It is ready. Eat before it gets cold.”
What I had made was simply sautéed quail, a plain omelette, and a simple salad.
To be honest, they were simple dishes even my maid could make, and the taste would likely be just passable, but I did not feel the need to put in extra effort into cooking.

“Then I shall accept it gratefully.”
“That is rather excessive gratitude for a mere meal.”

I cut into the quail and tasted it, but as expected, it was bland.
Despite seasoning it as I remembered, it still tasted bland, causing me to frown slightly.

“…It is delicious.”
“Is that so? It pleases me to hear that.”
“There is an appropriately savory taste, making it quite excellent.”

It seemed Cecilia simply preferred blander tastes. For there was no way these bland dishes could taste savory otherwise.
While she ate with apparent relish, I forced down the blandness with water.
Even though I had prepared it according to the recipe from those times, I could no longer taste that old nostalgia.
That realization nearly saddened me, but I was able to deftly kill that sadness.

“By the way, what did you wish to discuss?”
“…Are you aware of the recent unsavory rumors spreading through the village?”
The coachman had come to ask about the truth of some rumor, so I was well aware of the details.
“The rumor that you and I were having sex…”
“There is no need to elaborate further.”
“At any rate, such a rumor is indeed spreading.”

I took out some gold coins from my pocket and offered them to her.
“What is this money for…?”
“A gesture of apology to you. As someone as wretched as me had such a rumor spread about you, you must have felt unpleasant. As well as for the damage to your reputation…”

“…You asked before whether I could define you as a person, did you not? Yes, you are undoubtedly a person, my lord. But!”
She stood abruptly and slammed the table so hard it made a loud bang.
Then she approached me, glaring at me with furrowed brows as she looked into my haggard eyes.

“Why are you so insecure as a person! I sense not a shred of self-esteem! That attitude of not caring whether you live or die is highly uncomfortable!”
“Allow me to ask, is this a complaint about me?”
“Yes, it is! How can the representative of this village be so insecure! You show no self-love, self-esteem, or will to live! Do you not realize such an attitude is unacceptable!”

I could not understand her words.
Thus, I required some time to analyze and accept them.
And that time naturally birthed silence, which I broke after about 30 seconds to respond:

“I am curious why you are blaming me.”
“Pardon…?”
“One who has lost their eyes and cannot see, one who has lost their hands and cannot wield a weapon, one who has lost their legs and cannot walk properly. No one curses those crippled bodies for their weakness.”

Sensing where I was going, Cecilia shrank back slightly.
“Yet the lack of heart is cursed for its weakness. I truly cannot understand.”

My heart’s eyes had gone blind. Thus, everything now appeared hazy to me.
My heart’s hands had been severed. Thus, I could no longer embrace anything.
My heart’s legs no longer existed. Thus, I could no longer easily approach others.

“The body and heart are not so different, are they? Why do people so easily think a lack of heart can be easily cured?”
“My apologies. I have overstepped again, foolishly rambling about things I know nothing of…”

Why was I doing this? Cecilia had done me no particular wrong.
Why was I pressing her offensively, as if rebuking her?

“My apologies. I did not intend to rebuke you.”

While she hesitated, I tried to recall why I had unconsciously rebuked her, but could not pinpoint a clear reason – as if I was unconsciously avoiding recalling it.

“I simply wish for you to be a bit more clear about your likes and dislikes, my lord. An ambiguous attitude could cause issues when handling official business later.”
“I shall keep that in mind.”
“Since we are on the subject, do you have anything you particularly like?”
“Nothing comes to mind at present.”

The faces of my friends did come to mind, but to me they were not ‘likes’ but existences akin to my backbone.
Existences that allowed me to stand upright, became part of me, kept me from straying.

“Well, if that’s the case, I suppose you have no particular dislikes either.”
“…It is not that I have no dislikes. No, I may be quite clear about that much, at least.”
“Pardon?”

My teacher, I had disliked slightly on a personal level.
I disliked those who only spouted nice words yet did not practice them, only imposing them on others.
I loathed those who spoke encouraging words while profiting from the rear.
But more than anything else.

“Dragons and giants are what I dislike more than anything.”
Seeing my eyes, Cecilia began slowly backing away.
“If God were to ask me what existence I wished to be reborn as in my next life.”

No matter how much I killed my emotions, I could not kill the emotion I felt towards them. No, I did not kill it. For that emotion must never be killed.

“I would unhesitatingly ask to be reborn as a pathogen capable of exterminating every last giant and dragon in this world. And one that would make them suffer agonizing pain for as long as possible.”

She seemed to be in some distress.
“My apologies. That personal anecdote went on too long. In any case, do not worry too much about the rumor. I shall try to resolve it myself.”
“…Yes. I too shall strive to clear up the misunderstanding.”

Of late, I had been increasingly unable to kill my emotions.
Emotions I could easily kill back when I was at my family home were gradually growing more tenacious.

“Then I shall take my leave.”
“Allow me to see you out, at least.”

I escorted her to the front gate, and she politely accepted my courtesy.
However, there was one issue – my maid had not cleared the front area.
Due to a protruding rock she had missed, Cecilia stumbled, and as I tried to catch her to prevent her from getting hurt, we ended up falling together.

“Are you alright? It was my negligence that…”
“I am fine, but…”

The issue was that the gazes of people standing at the street beyond the gate had turned towards us.
As I had tried to grab her head and waist to catch her fall, it had become quite the untoward scene, and the onlookers had only witnessed the result without the preceding context.

She quickly shoved me away and stood up, but it seemed she could not brush off the gazes full of misunderstanding raining down from those around.
“Everyone must be imagining something, but this is simply a misunderstanding!”

But the gazes turned on her did not change at all.
Rather, her frantic denial only fueled further misunderstanding.
And it seemed any denial from me would be no different, so I decided to sit quietly and remain silent.

“My lord, please say something! Everyone is misunderstanding!”
“…Is there any need for an explanation?”

A forced explanation would only further fuel the misunderstanding, that was certain.
“Your silence is only deepening the misunderstanding now!”

With a flushed face, she became angry at me, but I could not fathom the reason for her anger.
An intractable misunderstanding had arisen, but it was already a done deed. Moreover, getting angry would not change anything.

“Yet I cannot divulge what occurred inside.”
Without realizing it, I had failed to kill my emotions and let slip those embarrassing words, which I could not possibly repeat before others.

“Why do you keep fueling the misunderstanding…!”
In the midst of this, the old man who had given me bread approached and asked Cecilia:
“You…said you would resolve the rumor, but that method…is turning rumor into truth…?”
“That is not it!”

Thus, Cecilia began grasping at people and futilely insisting it was all a misunderstanding, but it seemed no one was listening.
And the gazes of those not listening to her began turning towards me.

“Hmm…”
But being ineloquent, it seemed any explanation from me would yield the same result as Cecilia’s.
So to avoid fueling further misunderstanding, I quietly opened the door and returned to the lord’s residence.

And that night, upon hearing my story, His Majesty the Emperor and Her Majesty the Empress let out deep sighs that could swallow the earth.
Then, even in the midst of conversing with me via the magic tool, they wordlessly took out a bottle of strong liquor and began chugging it down.

“I consider not entrusting you with diplomacy to be a lifelong achievement.”
“Raul…Go apologize to that woman immediately tomorrow.”
“…Though I cannot comprehend the meaning, I shall do so.”

And after draining the entire bottle of potent liquor, the empress asked me:
“By the way Raul, has killing your emotions become somewhat difficult of late?”
“…Yes. It is not that I am unable to kill them at all. But the speed at which I kill them seems to have slowed down, if only slightly.”
“That is welcome.”
The empress found my difficulty welcome.
“But why do you constantly clam up at moments when an explanation is needed?”
“…That is…”
I hesitated slightly.
Once again, I had grown somewhat clumsy at killing my emotions.

“My fiancée told me my words only grate on people’s nerves. That I may as well become mute. As she was a wise woman, I thought it better to heed her advice.”

She had requested that I keep my mouth shut for the most part, as the words I spoke only grated on people’s nerves.
And being quite ineloquent myself, I had thought it better to remain silent than to vex others with my words.
Thus, I had remained silent solely because I did not wish to vex others with my mouth.

“Haaah…”
Then, with a resounding shatter, the empress smashed a glass bottle and fashioned a weapon that could hardly be called anything but a deadly implement.
“What a pestilential whore, making me want to stuff your foul mouth with glass shards and beat you to death…”
“Your Majesty…?”
“Your Majesty…?”

And so our night was drowned in silence.