To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

Chapter 14



“Isn’t the area under your nails part of your hand?”Yeonseo looked up at Suhan, confused, and then checked under his nails. Sure enough, there was still some reddish water mixed with dissolved blood clots. When Yeonseo, startled, hiccuped again, Suhan grabbed his wrist to stop him from putting his hands near his mouth.“Don’t touch your mouth with those filthy hands.”Then, this time, Suhan took Yeonseo’s hand himself and plunged it back into the water. He lathered up the soap and thoroughly cleaned Yeonseo’s fingertips until all traces of blood were gone. After rinsing his hands with water, they were finally spotless. Embarrassed, Yeonseo instinctively covered his wounded arm.“If you’re going to hide it, why scratch it in the first place? You might as well show it off to the whole neighborhood.”Yeonseo hiccuped again at Suhan’s harsh mockery. He reflexively tried to cover his mouth but hesitated, afraid of Suhan’s reaction.“Are you going to scratch your arms again?”When Suhan asked, looking annoyed, Yeonseo couldn’t say anything. The words wouldn’t come out immediately. No, he wanted to speak, but his throat was still tight, his vocal cords muffled as if they were soaked. As Yeonseo stood there, struggling, eyes tightly shut, Suhan narrowed his eyes and stared at him. Wasn’t he supposed to be fine? Wasn’t he supposed to not be seriously ill? Suhan wondered.“Come with me.”Yeonseo nodded, lowered his head, and stared at the floor as he followed Suhan. They ended up in Suhan’s room, a small space with just a desk, a bookshelf, and a bed. Unlike Yeonseo’s room, there was no state-of-the-art air conditioner or expensive computer.“Sit there.”Suhan made Yeonseo sit on the bed and then pulled out a chair to sit at his desk. He reached for a workbook he had left on the side of the desk and picked up a mechanical pencil. The quiet sound of pencil scratching filled the small room as Suhan worked through the problems in the workbook. Yeonseo wasn’t sure what was going on, but he concluded that Suhan was probably keeping an eye on him to make sure he didn’t start scratching his arms again. So, is it okay if I watch what Suhan hyung is doing? Yeonseo stared intently at Suhan’s back, but Suhan didn’t say anything. He seemed entirely focused on the workbook, the only sound in the room being the scratching of the pencil.Though smaller, Suhan’s back somehow seemed larger than his own. In reality, it was true. If Suhan knew why Junseo had taken his own life, what would he say? The words would likely be predictable.‘Probably got too comfortable and spoiled.’He’d have plenty more to say about how kids from well-off families don’t realize how good they have it, but this was something little Yeonseo couldn’t fully understand. Suhan had always been well-built. Even though he was quite skinny from often missing meals, his grip strength was always the best in his class. Unlike his older brother, who only ever went to school, the academy, and home, Suhan had been active since he was young. He had to be to survive.“…”As Yeonseo watched Suhan work on his workbook as if in a trance, he suddenly mustered the courage to poke Suhan’s back.“What is it?”Suhan immediately snapped, and Yeonseo, hesitating, pointed between the workbook and the main house. Suhan raised an eyebrow, clearly not understanding. His sharp eyes grew even more piercing, and Yeonseo trembled in fear, looking away.“If you called me, say something. What do you want?”Yeonseo squeezed his eyes shut again and pointed between the workbook and the main house. It wasn’t a game of charades, after all. Suhan stared at Yeonseo’s hand for a while, trying to figure out the connection between the workbook and the main house. The house, the workbook, the house, the workbook—what’s he trying to say? The workbook is also like a home? What kind of nonsense is this… As Suhan tilted his head further in confusion, Yeonseo grabbed his sleeve and cautiously pulled him toward the door, his eyes wide with surprise as if even he was startled by his own actions.“Haa… You’re really getting on my nerves.”Suhan roughly tousled his hair, stood up, and grabbed his workbook. When he pulled open the door, Yeonseo, relieved that Suhan finally understood, nodded eagerly.‘What is this…’Suhan swallowed his frustration and headed to the main house with Yeonseo. Yeonseo quickly ran ahead of Suhan and pulled out a chair at the dining table. It seemed like he wanted Suhan to sit there. Suhan was about to say, “Why should I?” but bit his tongue. How hard could it be? Suhan resignedly sat down at the dining table and resumed working on his workbook. Yeonseo quickly headed to his room.What’s he doing now? Suhan looked over with a puzzled expression, and soon Yeonseo returned, carrying a workbook designed for elementary school students. He then sat down across from Suhan and placed his workbook on the table.The soft, scratching sounds of two mechanical pencils on paper filled the room, blending together like a duet. Yeonseo found it oddly comforting. Suhan seemed to appreciate the quiet focus, and Yeonseo occasionally glanced over at him while working on his workbook. Unlike his brother, who had a gentle smile with slightly upturned lips, Suhan had a stern, tightly closed mouth and sharp, narrow eyes that gave him a ghostly appearance. Still, he couldn’t be called unattractive. In fact, he was quite handsome.‘Uncle doesn’t look like this.’Though the overall impression was similar, this side was definitely more aesthetically pleasing. It was as if Suhan had inherited only the best features from his uncle’s rugged face.Suhan and Yeonseo weren’t related by blood, and anyone could see they didn’t look alike at all. Yeonseo had round eyes with double eyelids and thick eyelashes, while Suhan’s eyes were long and had a deep, intense gaze. Yeonseo’s lips were small and plump, while Suhan’s were long and thin, giving him a delicate and sensitive appearance rather than a harsh or sneaky one.‘Hyung is definitely more handsome.’Unaware that Yeonseo was mentally assessing their faces for the second time, Suhan remained focused on his workbook.That evening, when their parents returned home, they were overjoyed to hear that Yeonseo had taken the initiative to work on his workbook. Until then, he had been like a living doll, silently lying in bed or staring out the window, doing nothing on his own.“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention for a moment, and Yeonseo scratched his arm…”Suhan, with his head lowered and an apologetic expression, confessed as if admitting to a fault. The couple immediately dismissed it as nothing to worry about. His pitiful expression was a stark contrast to the one he had worn just hours earlier when he dragged Yeonseo to the sink.“You don’t have to be sorry! It’s okay, it’s okay. Just apply some ointment, and it’ll be fine!”“He’s been so still and quiet all this time, huh? It’s good to have someone his age around.”Of course, grouping Yeonseo and Suhan as peers wasn’t entirely accurate. If Yeonseo had been attending school, he would have been in the second grade, while Suhan was about to enter middle school. Still, compared to his older brother, Suhan was closer in age to Yeonseo, making him a “peer” of sorts.“Then… I’ll apply the ointment. Does Yeonseo scratch his arms often?”“Oh, would you? Well, not too often, but he does it sometimes when he’s anxious.”“I’ll make sure he doesn’t do it anymore.”Yeonseo stayed close to his mother, receiving care from Suhan. Each time the ointment-covered cotton swab brushed against his wound, a strange, ticklish sensation filled his chest, and his heart raced. He found some satisfaction in knowing that he was the only one who had seen Suhan’s sharp expression earlier.The adults were completely charmed by Suhan’s dependable smile. Despite being asked to look after an elementary schooler when he was only a soon-to-be middle schooler himself, Suhan didn’t show any signs of reluctance, which only made them admire him more. Although they had painfully learned not to trust their own son based on appearances alone, it seemed that lesson didn’t apply to someone else’s child.An older brother who was mature and kind, taking care of a child who had closed off his heart after losing his sibling. To the adults, it was an ideal arrangement. Suhan’s father, who had returned with the chairman and his wife, clapped Suhan on the back and laughed heartily.“This boy takes after me; he’s got a big heart. You can trust him.”And so, Suhan became “Suhan hyung,” forming an enduring bond with Yeonseo—a connection that had begun long ago.After Suhan started living with Yeonseo, the two spent most of their days together. Until the new school term began, it was Suhan’s responsibility to take care of Yeonseo. With wide-eyed curiosity, Yeonseo watched Suhan diligently work on his workbook all day. Wouldn’t it be boring to study like that all the time? Yeonseo had many questions but found his tongue tied whenever he was near Suhan. He wished he could speak more confidently. Every day, Yeonseo followed Suhan around, feeling a constant sense of frustration.“Ah, damn….”Occasionally, when Suhan scratched his workbook with his pen in frustration, Yeonseo would flinch and step back, but his curiosity about what was bothering Suhan only grew.“…This is so annoying.”Suhan sighed and blew air at his bangs. Peeking over on tiptoes, Yeonseo saw that a problem number had been scribbled over in red on Suhan’s workbook. Next to it was an error-filled note, with Suhan repeatedly writing and erasing. Despite flipping through the worn-out explanation pages at the back of the book, he seemed unable to understand certain problems.‘My hyung would have known the answer.’Without realizing it, Yeonseo compared Suhan hyung to his own brother, recalling how his brother used to study at home.‘With a laptop… and an electronic dictionary….’Would Suhan hyung be smarter if he had those too? After thinking for a moment, Yeonseo tried to communicate this idea to Suhan through animated gestures. His small, delicate hands moved energetically, but Suhan couldn’t make sense of it.“What the heck are you saying?”Suhan frowned deeply, his face scrunched up in confusion, as Yeonseo reached for his pencil case. Then, Yeonseo wrote in crooked handwriting on Suhan’s notebook:<I need a laptop.>What? How am I supposed to get you a laptop? Suhan shot Yeonseo a look of disdain. Realizing the mistake, Yeonseo stared at the sentence for a while before finally understanding what was wrong. He quickly added a symbol, and Suhan, now understanding, nodded.<Do you need a laptop?>Suhan replied in a disinterested tone, “Even if I did, what could you do about it? You gonna get me one?”Yeonseo eagerly nodded. Suhan’s eyes widened in surprise.“What? How?”Yeonseo spread his arms as if telling him to wait and dashed off to the storage room. A moment later, he returned with a laptop that had been top-of-the-line about a year ago.Suhan was taken aback. He did need a laptop to watch video tutorials provided by the workbook company or to post questions on Q&A websites. Until now, he’d had to visit the local library or go to a PC café whenever he needed a computer. This rural area wasn’t just lacking amenities; even the nearest bus stop was a long walk away. It was a place clearly not designed for someone without a car.A library in this town? Suhan had nearly fainted when he heard that he’d have to take one of the three daily buses to get to the closest one. So where was he supposed to watch online lectures or use the internet? He couldn’t just ask his father to buy him a laptop, and the computer the chairman and his wife used was practically enshrined in their study, off-limits to him.While the quiet environment was good for focusing on his studies, the lack of study materials beyond the few workbooks he had brought from home was becoming frustrating. The laptop presented to him now was a tempting solution.“Can I really use this?”Yeonseo quickly nodded. No one had touched the laptop since they moved in. His parents probably didn’t even know it existed. Emboldened, Yeonseo went back to the storage room and brought out several other slightly used electronic devices. Suhan couldn’t hide his surprise at the continuous stream of expensive items and asked again,“Whose stuff is all this?”With a proud expression, Yeonseo puffed out his chest and pointed to himself. Originally, these had been his brother’s belongings, but since no one had objected to him playing with them, they were practically his now. Suhan initially had some doubts, but since the items weren’t brand new, he dismissed his concerns, figuring that in a wealthy family, even a nine-year-old could be casually given such things.“…Hand that over too.”Suhan didn’t say thank you. Instead, with a rather satisfied expression, he plugged the charger into the power outlet and finally solved the problem that had been bothering him for the past 30 minutes. He was genuinely happy, and the corners of his mouth lifted slightly in a smile. Afterward, he patted Yeonseo’s head as if acknowledging his good work.“……!”Receiving praise from Suhan for the first time, Yeonseo felt his heart fluttering with excitement, just like when he first met him. Although it was only for a brief moment, it seemed like Suhan had smiled sincerely. It was different from the fake smiles he usually showed to impress the adults. For some reason, this time, he looked genuinely happy. Yeonseo was overjoyed at being recognized by Suhan, not knowing what this might lead to.* * *“Yeonseo, can you come over here for a moment?”One peaceful weekend. Since Yeonseo’s parents were usually home on weekends unless there were special plans, Suhan and the other man stayed in the annex unless called upon. Believing they needed a break too, Yeonseo’s father usually drove himself on weekends. As a result, Yeonseo rarely ran into Suhan on weekends unless something unusual happened. That day was no different, and Yeonseo was quietly holed up in his room, watching the waves crash outside the window, when the housekeeper called him, causing him to run to the living room with a puzzled expression.“……?”When Yeonseo stepped into the large living room with the sofa, he sensed that something was off. The atmosphere among the adults was tense. The housekeeper who had called him, the man, and even his parents all wore dark expressions. And in the midst of them, Suhan was there. He sat with his head hanging low, and beneath his dark hair, his cheeks were red and swollen.“Are these really the things you gave to Suhan?”On the table, where his mother pointed, lay the devices Yeonseo had handed over himself. Yeonseo quickly tried to grasp the situation. Before he could fully process what was happening, the housekeeper snapped.“No, ma’am. Do you think asking the kid will get you an honest answer? He’s just a child who can barely speak; of course, he took them because he couldn’t report it to the adults.”At the sharp words from the housekeeper, Suhan, who had been silently hanging his head, raised it and glared at her, protesting.“I told you it wasn’t like that. Oh. Just because I’m the son of a thug, you think I’d have the same bad habits?”It was the man who tried to rein in Suhan’s sharp tone.“Watch your language! Keep quiet!”“Dammit, am I wrong? Just because I’m a thug’s kid, you assume I stole it. You should focus on raising your own son properly.”“Lee Suhan!”At the man’s raised voice, there was a sharp slap. Suhan’s already swollen cheek was struck again.“Are you trying to make your father look like someone who can’t even discipline his own child in front of others?”As expected, the housekeeper looked at the two men with a condescending expression, as if watching something uncivilized, then scoffed and turned her head. At that moment, Suhan shot a glare at Yeonseo. Yeonseo felt like a mouse frozen in front of a snake. I need to say something. I have to explain… But no matter how much he tried to move his mouth, no sound came out. As he stood there, mouth agape, Suhan seemed to resign himself to everything and looked away from Yeonseo.“…Ha.”Hearing that short sigh, Yeonseo finally managed to force some words from his throat.“I-I… I-I….”Everyone looked at Yeonseo, doubting their ears. There was no turning back now. Yeonseo, his face flushed with tension, barely managed to continue.“I-I gave it to him. I-I gave all of it….”Suhan was no longer the issue. Yeonseo’s parents, eyes wide in surprise, asked him.“Did you just speak, Yeonseo? Did you really say that?”Overwhelmed by the fact that he had finally managed to speak, Yeonseo began to cry uncontrollably.“I-I… uh, I-I….”“What are you doing? Hurry up and record it! We need to show the doctor next time we go to the hospital!”Before they knew it, the commotion about Suhan being suspected of theft was forgotten, and the only thing that mattered was that Yeonseo had spoken again after nearly two months of silence. Yeonseo struggled, trying to demand that the items he gave to Suhan be returned, but unfortunately, he couldn’t manage such fluent sentences. In the end, his attempt was ignored by his excited parents. As the situation gradually calmed down, Suhan swallowed his curses and returned to the annex.That night, after finally being released from his parents, Yeonseo sneaked over to the annex to explain to Suhan that there had been a misunderstanding. However, the door was firmly shut, and inside, only the low voice of the other man could be heard.“You know it too. If I hadn’t done that, things could have turned out much worse.”Suhan’s voice was nowhere to be heard.“It’s not like I wanted to do it. I’m sorry. I’ve only shown you my worst side.”Suhan still remained silent. After a while, the sound of the door closing was heard, and Yeonseo quickly fled back to the main house. For a brief moment, he thought he had made eye contact with Suhan through the window, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.Later, Yeonseo learned that the housekeeper had disliked the other man from the start, and it was, of course, due to his background. Although the man always wore neat shirts and pants, which made it hard to tell, his arms, shoulders, back, and waist were covered in colorful and elaborate tattoos. When he had to roll up his sleeves for physical work, the edges of the tattoos would show.The housekeeper often complained that it wasn’t right to keep someone with such a bad background employed, even if he had saved her son. Yeonseo overheard this during phone calls the housekeeper made with her friends when his parents weren’t around.‘Even if he used someone else’s identity to get hired, that’s still not right.’According to the housekeeper, the man had borrowed a friend’s name to get hired as a “temporary contract worker.” She wondered what kind of shady activities he must have been involved in to go that far. In reality, the man did have a history of violence and had served time in prison several times. However, he claimed that he had really turned his life around and had no choice but to take such measures to live a decent life without shame.On the day of ‘the incident,’ before the firefighters arrived, the man had drenched himself with water, grabbed a soaked blanket, and rushed in to save Yeonseo. If it hadn’t been for him, Yeonseo wouldn’t be alive today. Thanks to the wet blanket, Yeonseo only suffered a slight burn on his head, but the man sustained burns all over his body. Though he was fortunate to recover with what seemed like supernatural resilience, the burns on his back were so severe that they could have led to sepsis, which could have been fatal.For Yeonseo’s parents, who nearly lost their son, nothing else mattered at the time. Who cared if he was once a thug? He had saved the only son they had left. When they offered to treat him as a lifelong benefactor, all the man asked for was a regular job, not millions or billions of won. While it might have sounded like an impressive story of redemption to the man himself, to others who had to live with him, he remained a somewhat unsettling presence.‘They say it was just assault, but it was really attempted murder. How do we know it wasn’t just luck that it didn’t end in murder?’Even Yeonseo’s parents couldn’t entirely dismiss such thoughts, so when an incident occurred that made them suspect the man’s son was involved, they couldn’t bring themselves to trust him. Though the parents later calmed down and apologized, the damage was already done, and things couldn’t go back to the way they were.‘…’Yeonseo, caught in the middle, was left in distress, but Suhan’s attitude didn’t change. He was as stoic as ever, looking down at Yeonseo with a weary gaze, but still extending a hand when needed.A few days later, a new computer arrived in Suhan’s room. It was a high-end model, capable of running the latest games simultaneously without any issues. However, Suhan had no interest in games. Instead, he sat Yeonseo in front of a low desk, making him work through elementary-level problem sets while he listened to online lectures. As if studying was his only way out, Suhan spent any time he wasn’t solving problems memorizing vocabulary or listening to conversation practice.As Suhan’s entrance day approached, Yeonseo practiced desperately to wish him well. He felt pathetic having to practice just to say a few words, but it took him a full week to finally manage to get through it, stuttering all the way.“Go-g-good lu-luck, Su-Suhan hyung….”Suhan didn’t acknowledge Yeonseo’s greeting and left for school in his uniform. Since it took over 30 minutes to walk to school, Suhan usually caught a ride with Yeonseo’s parents, who left early in the morning. The driver was, as always, Suhan’s father. At school, Suhan was rumored to be the son of a wealthy family who came with a chauffeur, but Suhan didn’t bother to correct or explain the rumors. All that mattered was getting his diploma. His only goal was to do well enough here to get into any school with dorms and leave.When Suhan returned home after school, the first thing he did was check the homework he had assigned Yeonseo the day before, then start his own studies. Yeonseo’s mother had suggested hiring a professional tutor, but Yeonseo insisted on having Suhan teach him instead. Suhan, in turn, accepted a significant amount of pocket money in exchange for tutoring Yeonseo, and followed through without complaint. During this time, Yeonseo longed to grow closer to Suhan, hoping that he would treat him kindly, as he had once done. However, Suhan remained unchanged. In front of the adults, he would plaster on a fake smile, but once they were gone, his smile vanished completely.‘He really doesn’t take adults seriously.’The housekeeper often spat words with a smile, but Suhan didn’t bat an eye. Yeonseo secretly loved the fact that he was the only one who knew Suhan’s true face. He even liked that Suhan had a rather nasty personality.‘’Weird kid…”Even the way Suhan clicked his tongue and spoke with disdain towards him was something Yeonseo liked. As he started to recover, Yeonseo dreamed of the day he would finally be acknowledged by Suhan. The nightmares of being engulfed in flames had long faded from memory, and now Yeonseo spent all day thinking about Suhan instead of his older brother. What did Suhan do at school today? What homework would he assign tomorrow? What does Suhan want to be when he grows up?When Yeonseo, unable to contain his curiosity, finally asked, Suhan didn’t understand the question at first, wondering why Yeonseo would even ask such a thing.“Why are you curious about my future plans?”“I-I j-just, I was cur-curious….”“I don’t know. I don’t have any.”Suhan’s blunt reply left Yeonseo rambling as if the idea of not having future plans was inconceivable.“Uh, l-like, a ze-zebra or something….”“What nonsense are you talking about? Why would I want to be a zebra?”If Yeonseo’s brother was like a well-trained racehorse, Suhan was closer to a wild animal, one that hunted its prey and savored the kill. A lynx… maybe that would suit him better than a serval, which seemed too mild. Just like the thick claws hidden in the lynx’s paws, Suhan hid a thorny tongue behind his bright smile. He had shown that when they went down to the beach together.When the adults insisted that it was a waste not to visit the beach, Yeonseo and Suhan were forced to go down there. Suhan quietly led Yeonseo to the sand and then mouthed the words.‘F-U-C-K this.’‘Life S-U-C-K-S.’How could he say such things? Wasn’t he afraid of getting struck by lightning for saying such blasphemous words? Despite being shocked, Yeonseo couldn’t take his eyes off Suhan. He was such a strange person, different from his brother, different from anyone Yeonseo had ever met, impossible to read. Yeonseo’s desire to be acknowledged by Suhan only grew stronger, almost like a first love.


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