To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

Chapter 13



Before long, late spring had passed, and it was now the height of summer. The oppressive humidity, so thick it felt like it could cook you, had given way to the searing heat of midsummer. With no typhoons or rain in the forecast for a while, it seemed the clear, blazing weather would continue. For an office worker who spent most of his time in a well-insulated office building, it was easy to feel detached from the stories of the sun-scorched asphalt visible just beyond the window.Yeonseo, who was seated beyond the partition, diligently replying to emails in his inbox, flinched and looked up, startled by the sudden presence behind him.“Oh, Yeonseo. It’s nothing urgent, but Director Kwon asked about something during lunch today. Is the department head still unable to return?”The person who had asked the question from beyond the partition had a rather sunny smile, but the problem was that this was the third time this month they had asked the same question. Yeonseo pressed his lips together briefly before responding in a calm voice.“Yes. I believe he will return once the designated period is over.”At this, the person who had asked the question shrugged and let out a long sigh.“What could have been so serious that he’s still not back? We have to start the new project in the second half of the year, and the general meeting is in an uproar. Even the executive meetings have been nonstop about this. If he’s not feeling well, couldn’t he at least work from home?”When Yeonseo remained silent, indicating there was nothing he could do either, the person in front of him let out another long sigh, seemingly giving up.“Well, if the department head says he can’t, there’s nothing we can do. It’s not like he’s someone who doesn’t understand the situation, but we’re all getting anxious while waiting.”It had been several months since Lee Suhan disappeared from the company. The news that he was hospitalized following a serious car accident had spread, but no one among his colleagues knew how badly he was injured or how long he would be in the hospital. The fact that someone who seemed to live as if he had 48 hours in a day instead of 24 suddenly stopped working entirely and even took a year off was news that stirred both internal and external circles.Rumors flew: Was he preparing to move to another company? Was he undergoing treatment for an incurable disease or cancer? But the family who owned the company remained silent. They kept repeating that a decision would be made within the year—whether he would return or be processed for retirement. Even the executives couldn’t bring themselves to ask the chairman and his wife directly, so it was usually Yeonseo, in his role as an operations manager, who had to deal with the pressure.“I’m sorry. I’ll try talking to him again.”It had been months of saying the same thing. Recently, the department head, who was on leave, even personally visited a restaurant opened with investment from a fund that was in direct opposition to the Seosang Group, causing a storm not only in the shareholders’ discussion rooms but also in the executives’ communication chat rooms. People were speculating that he was preparing to switch sides, especially since he had always seemed close to Chef Lim. The rumors were quelled when it became clear that he had taken the owner’s son—his nominal successor and husband—along with him, but the negative attention was undeniable. It wasn’t like him to do something that would raise such questions. And what’s more, at the restaurant, he even turned a blind eye to a staff member’s mistake and publicly displayed affection with his husband, with whom it was widely known he didn’t have a good relationship.The Lee Suhan that people in the industry knew wasn’t much different from his public image. He was strict with others and with himself, always on edge as if he were ready to pick a fight at any moment. He was a genius at channeling this sharpness into his business acumen.The best defense is a good offense, they say. He wielded his sharpness ceaselessly, as if he never slept. At first, people worried that he wouldn’t be able to keep it up, that he’d wear himself out, but he always proved them wrong.It was evident from how he took the division, which had been second to Taeyoung Group for years, and brought it back to first place within two years of becoming department head. He had gone through a similar process when he first took the position.After returning from studying abroad, he joined the company as an operations manager and successfully completed a massive project within two years. He simultaneously built a terrifyingly fast career, working as a broadcaster and a team leader. Even executives who were initially skeptical of him couldn’t help but acknowledge him after witnessing his impeccable scheduling and performance. There was no one who didn’t know how crucial Suhan was to Seosang’s food and beverage division.The fact that the department head, trusted more by the chairman and his wife than their own relatives or son, had disappeared from both the company and his personal business was something no one could take lightly.Despite the constant pressure to bring Suhan back, Yeonseo wished that this moment would never end.He knew it was a selfish wish, but he hoped that this dream would last a little longer. Knowing that it was a dream because he would have to wake up eventually, he wished that the moment when this happiness would end would come just a little later. That was Yeonseo’s only wish. As he clicked his tongue and tried to regain his concentration, which had been disrupted by his boss’s interruption, a familiar number appeared on the office phone panel, as if to mock him.[0001]It was a secret line that couldn’t make outgoing calls to general extensions and could only be received when the other side called. There was no mistaking who the caller was, so Yeonseo frowned for the first time, his expression previously blank.“…….”After blocking a string of incoming calls to his mobile phone, they still managed to get through. With a sigh, Yeonseo unplugged the cord from the office phone, got up, and headed to an empty conference room. He couldn’t leave the line disconnected due to work, so he reluctantly decided to placate the other party with a few words. When he called back the familiar number, a middle-aged woman’s nagging voice immediately erupted.“Yes, what’s the matter?”Yeonseo asked, unable to hide his discomfort, and the voice on the other end of the line responded loudly.— What’s the matter? Hey, is Suhan really doing okay? Why are you keeping everything so secret and not letting anyone contact him? I know it’s not pleasant to get a call from your mother-in-law, but we’re not strangers. I’m worried too, you know. I’m just concerned that something might have happened since he’s always overexerting himself. Can’t an old family friend worry at least that much?Summarizing the long-winded words, it was genuine concern for Suhan. Yeonseo knew better than anyone that these words weren’t just idle talk or meddling. Outsiders might wonder what she was thinking, taking in a son-in-law with no proper background, assuming her son had insisted on marrying against her wishes. But in reality, it was the opposite. Yeonseo and Suhan’s marriage had been entirely driven by his own parents. They were the ones who had brought Suhan into his life.“I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to pass the message along. But please, don’t call the house phone like last time. He… he’s still really uncomfortable. You know that if he could, he’d be back at work sooner than anyone else.”The call ended quickly with Yeonseo’s usual apology. After putting down his phone with a sigh and rubbing his temples, Yeonseo closed his eyes briefly before returning to his desk.‘…….’Where did it all go wrong? All Yeonseo had ever wanted was Suhan’s happiness. He wanted to give Suhan anything he could to make him happy, even if it meant giving up the company that was his inheritance. If that’s what Suhan wanted, it would be possible.As Yeonseo placed his hands back on the keyboard and began typing an email, a sound like the waves crashing suddenly filled his ears—something he had heard endlessly as a child.“Yeonseo, starting today, we’re going to live in this house,” said his mother, her voice unusually bright. The child lifted his head. After what seemed like a three-hour drive, they arrived at a mansion with an enormous garden.“Look, if you go down just a little, there’s the sea! And the garden is huge! Should we get a puppy? You like puppies, don’t you, Yeonseo?”The child stared blankly at his mother, who was trying hard to lighten the mood with her high-pitched voice. His father looked into his empty, hollow eyes for a moment, then smiled bitterly and patted the child’s head.“Since the garden is so big, maybe we could plant a vegetable patch. What should we plant? Cucumbers? Tomatoes?”No one stopped his mother as she continued to speak endlessly, like an actor alone on stage. More accurately, no one had the mental capacity to stop her. It had been a month since “the accident.” The couple had barely returned to their daily lives, and the surviving child had been discharged from the hospital. The father silently repeated to himself the doctor’s words that their son was now starting to recover from the shock and that his future progress depended on his will.“Let’s go inside first. It’s cold out here. Even though spring is near, it’s still chilly.”He guided his wife and child into the mansion. It was much larger and more comfortable than the home they had lived in while in Seoul, with the only drawback being its distance from the father’s workplace. The smell typical of a new house had long since dissipated, and everything, from the furniture to the fixtures, was brand new, making the mother gaze dreamily at the space that felt like a dream house.“We’re starting over here. You, Yeonseo, and us.”The resolve in her murmured words faded quickly. As soon as they entered the largest room on the second floor, devoid of any furnishings except for an empty desk and a mattress on the bed, her body gave out. She collapsed to the floor like a child and broke down in sobs.“Why did you have to open that door? Come on, let’s get out of here,” said the father as he helped her back to the hallway, where she tearfully glanced at the now empty room. The void left by their firstborn, who had once been the pride and joy of the couple, emerged from every corner. After “the accident,” their younger son had lost his ability to speak. The emotional wounds left by the fire would surface unexpectedly, making it impossible for the family to experience a single peaceful day in the past month.“Junseo… Oh, Junseo… Why were you in such a hurry, what was so difficult…”Throughout their eldest son’s funeral, the mother had wept so much that she almost collapsed, and indeed, she did. The father had hidden the incomplete, burnt suicide note found at the scene from the mother, saying nothing about it. He feared that once she read the note, he would lose her as well, just like he had lost their son. The truth the family had come to realize was that no amount of wealth, status, or honor could bring back their deceased son.Now, the couple’s only remaining purpose was to protect their younger son, Yeonseo, who had been the sole witness to his brother’s final moments. They moved to the seaside, clinging to the desperate hope that they could start anew and protect Yeonseo in this place.Unfortunately, changing the environment couldn’t erase the deep scars left by the trauma. Their precious son remained silent, merely gazing quietly out of the window at the distant horizon. The house was tranquil, and Yeonseo’s daily routine consisted of just sitting and staring outside. This couldn’t go on. The couple realized that they could no longer afford to be away from their management duties for long, and they needed someone to help care for the house and keep an eye on their son at all times.They hoped to find someone who wasn’t too old, could drive, and was good with children, someone who could also assist around the house. While considering various candidates, they found someone who fit all the criteria, with only one downside: the candidate wasn’t alone, but had a child.‘Come to think of it, how old did Mr. Lee say his son was?’The man seized this rare opportunity, and the next day, a new resident arrived at the mansion, where only three family members and a live-in maid lived.“So, you’re Suhan? My goodness, you’ve taken after your father; you’re such a handsome boy.”Yeonseo was so startled when he first saw Suhan that he hid behind his mother’s legs. Suhan was much taller than other kids his age, with a face that seemed mature beyond his years. Yeonseo remembered the brief moment when Suhan had stepped out of the car, recalling the expression he had seen. Though Suhan had smiled kindly, Yeonseo could see through his feigned interest and felt a hiccup rise from the shock.“Hic!”As Yeonseo reflexively clasped his small hands over his mouth to stifle the hiccup, the adults laughed heartily at his rare display of childlike behavior.“Nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to getting along,” Suhan said with a smile, extending his hand. Yeonseo couldn’t bring himself to take it, and instead, he hid behind his mother’s legs once more. He tried to hide his entire face this time, but his mother playfully shifted her body to the side, leaving parts of his head and legs exposed no matter how hard he tried.“He’s just a little shy. I’d really appreciate it if you could take good care of him.”In Yeonseo’s world, “hyung” had always been kind, gentle, and a good person. My hyung, who was better than others at everything—sports, academics, and had a good heart on top of it all. At school, he was always the class president and student council president, and he proudly got into the nation’s top university. My pride, my only role model. A hyung was supposed to be like that, but Suhan was different from the hyung Yeonseo had admired for so long. Though Suhan wore a mask of kindness, beneath it, he couldn’t hide his hatred for the world—a frightening older brother.“Yes, I’ll take care of everything. My son will be polite and well-behaved,” said Suhan’s father, suddenly reaching out to ruffle Suhan’s hair, making him bow his head. Yeonseo flinched and took a step back in surprise.“Mr. Lee, are you feeling better now? We were so caught up in everything that we just sent someone over and couldn’t even visit you in the hospital. I’m so sorry,” Yeonseo’s mother asked.The man laughed heartily, roughly patting his son on the shoulder.“Oh, don’t worry! That was nothing. You know how it is; for men like us, that’s hardly even a scratch. Just a bit of spit, and it’s all better.”“Oh, my! Really, if it weren’t for you, my heart would still be in pieces. Thank you so much for agreeing to come despite everything.”While the adults exchanged polite pleasantries, which didn’t interest the children, Suhan kept a strained smile on his face as he slipped out of his father’s grip. Despite feeling a strong sense of fear, Yeonseo couldn’t take his eyes off Suhan. Why was this hyung so different from the other one? His young mind was filled with questions.The father and son who had suddenly arrived had very few belongings. The father had just one large bag, and the son’s bag was small, almost like a school backpack. The little luggage they brought didn’t even seem like moving boxes. They were to live in an outbuilding originally intended for the workers, a smaller, less well-heated, and less-cooled space than the main house. Even so, “Suhan hyung” couldn’t hide his surprise when he saw the small room.“Is this really a room just for me?”The child, who was just starting middle school, was wide-eyed with excitement, completely forgetting the pouting complaints he had made about never having his own room before.“That’s right. So, make sure to thank the chairman. It’s all thanks to these people thinking highly of your father,” said his father, joking as he rolled up his sleeves. As he did, recent burn scars and colorful tattoos peeked out from under his cuffs. Yeonseo, who had been watching them head towards the outbuilding, suddenly recalled being carried by that strong, massive arm out of the flames and covered his mouth again.“…?”At that moment, whether by coincidence or because Yeonseo had been staring at him, Suhan caught his eye and looked at him with disdain. It was the first time Yeonseo had ever felt such fierce contempt directed at him.“…!?”As Yeonseo frowned in shock, Suhan quickly changed his expression, smiling sweetly as if nothing had happened.“What’s wrong? Is something the matter?”The adults chuckled at Suhan’s kind question.“Oh, he’s already acting like a big brother, taking care of him?”“It’s not that. He just seemed a bit startled…”At “Suhan hyung’s” calm voice, Yeonseo swallowed a hiccup again. Jo Yeonseo, age 9. It was just a short while after his brother’s 49-day memorial.The day Yeonseo began living with Suhan, he had nightmares all night long. It wasn’t a recreation of the day with the blazing fire that he had dreamt of before, but rather a dream about a man with horns on his head, like the devil that a classmate had once told him would come for those who didn’t go to church. For a brief moment, the man had his brother’s face, but it then changed to something unfamiliar. The man, with slanted eyes, a high nose, and piercing snake-like eyes, was much younger than the brother Yeonseo remembered.‘Come here, I’ll play with you.’In the dream, the man with a distorted face reached out toward Yeonseo. Feeling like something terrible would happen if he got caught, Yeonseo cried and ran away. I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I’m the one to blame. In reality, he had never been able to speak, but in the dream, the words flowed out easily.“What did you do wrong?”Hearing the question from behind, Yeonseo abruptly stopped running. Somehow, “it” had reverted to the gentle face of his brother.“Is it because I left you to die?”At the eerily clear voice, Yeonseo thrashed and woke up from the dream. No, my brother wouldn’t say that. He wouldn’t… To calm his racing heart, he placed his hand on his chest and recalled the advice given by his counselor. Breathe in deeply, then exhale slowly as if blowing a dandelion seed. Even after repeating this deep breathing several times, he couldn’t calm down. Why did I have that dream? My brother has never said anything like that to me. Yeonseo quietly slipped out of bed and took out a photo he had secretly hidden from his mother.In the photo, his brother was smiling brightly with their mother in front of a university building. He had originally been standing there too. The person who took the picture was their father. Mother, father, brother, and I. It was a moment of perfect completeness for their prosperous and socially esteemed family of four. The photo of the three of them had always been proudly displayed in the living room. After the fire burned half of it, his father had taken it down and stored it away somewhere. But the photo Yeonseo had secretly taken, the one without himself, remained intact.‘My brother is still the best.’The brother in the photo was as handsome as ever, completely different from the grotesque face he had seen in the dream. Clutching the photo tightly, Yeonseo climbed back onto the bed. He felt that as long as he had this photo, he wouldn’t have any more nightmares and could sleep peacefully.But that was only Yeonseo’s hopeful wish. As soon as he fell asleep again, Yeonseo found himself, as always, in the midst of the flames. It hurts. Brother. Let’s get out. Please. Brother. When Yeonseo tried to pull his brother’s body, the fabric, weakened by the heat, tore, and his brother’s large body collapsed on top of him. It was too heavy for a nine-year-old to bear. The strong body that had always held him tightly now pressed down on him like iron, refusing to let go.Brother, it hurts. Brother! It hurts so much. Please get up. The flames that had started in the living room spread to the room, and thick smoke stung his eyes. Yeonseo tried to feel his way out of his brother’s body with all his might. But his brother, who remained completely still, did not respond at all and continued to crush his younger brother’s frail body.Brother? Something was wrong with his brother. There’s no way he would be this quiet. He couldn’t be… The moment he saw the clear marks of a rope around his brother’s neck, someone grabbed Yeonseo by the nape and yanked him back with a strong force.“Ah, there you are. Let’s get out, quickly!”It was the man who had temporarily taken over his father’s driver duties after the long-time driver had undergone surgery and needed months to recover. The man with a rather menacing face picked Yeonseo up, wrapped in a wet blanket, and strode through the flames, exiting the living room. Only after his lungs filled with fresh air did Yeonseo realize that his brother was still inside the house. I have to save my brother. Save my brother. After struggling and screaming, the child had to accept the truth.It was not someone else or some cruel villain who had poured gasoline all over the living room, set it on fire, and then hanged himself. It was his brother.The next thing Yeonseo saw was a half-burned letter.<I am neither a good son to my parents nor a good brother to my sibling. I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to the expectations you placed on me.>His brother had once shared with Yeonseo that his childhood dream was to be a zebra. It was something he had said when Yeonseo had been on the verge of tears, not knowing what to write for his future aspiration. When Yeonseo asked why, his brother had smiled bitterly. Zebras don’t have fixed paths, right? Sometimes, I just want to jump into the road or onto the tracks. Just… I want to run the opposite way of what everyone expects. Because I can’t do that in reality.Even as he said that, his brother had checked the time, waiting for the academy’s pickup van. After entering high school, his brother hardly ever stayed home, except to sleep briefly.“Wow, elementary kid, you’re lucky you get to sleep in,” his brother would tease, waking him up with a laugh before heading off to school. Sometimes, that was the only time they saw each other. But his brother was always cool. He was the proud heir who would carry on the family’s legacy after their mother and father. My awesome brother. The pride of our perfect family. If I had known that he felt suffocated because of me, I wouldn’t have said those things. It’s okay if you’re not cool. You’re still my brother.In the end, the dream ended with the sensation of cold, lifeless skin. The shock of that day left Yeonseo unable to speak anymore. Whenever he tried to say anything, the nightmares would come back to haunt him. It’s too hot here, Yeonseo. Save me, Yeonseo. Please… Just like that time when he couldn’t say a word. His tongue became tied, and no words would come out.Waking from the second nightmare, Yeonseo breathed heavily, quickly hiding the photo under the mattress before stepping out into the living room. The housekeeper was out grocery shopping, leaving him completely alone in the house.His mother and father had already left early for work in Seoul, and as Yeonseo realized that he was alone, the fear that had briefly subsided gripped him once again. He was scared. He wished that anyone, anyone at all, could be by his side to make him forget, even just for a moment, the guilt of thinking that he had killed his brother. As the fear rapidly overwhelmed him, Yeonseo began clawing at his own arms in a frenzy when suddenly, the front door swung open, and someone entered.“What are you doing?”It was “Suhan hyung,” the man with a villainous face who had appeared in his nightmare last night. The word “hyung” was reserved for one person only, so it couldn’t be used for anyone else. Therefore, this man wasn’t “hyung” but “Suhan hyung.” Seeing the bored expression on his face, as if he were being annoyed, Yeonseo hiccuped and covered his mouth.“Haa…”Suhan hyung turned his head away, looking exasperated. Then, scratching his head roughly, he asked, “Are you sick?”Yeonseo immediately shook his head.“Then why are you scratching your arms and freaking out?”“…!”The kind demeanor he showed around adults was nowhere to be found, replaced by a gruff tone and rough language that startled Yeonseo, making him open his eyes wide in surprise. His mother had always said that such words should never be used. The fear of the nightmare quickly vanished, and Yeonseo looked up at Suhan with wide, rabbit-like eyes.“What are you looking at?”“…”Yeonseo silently gripped his fingertips. Blood had pooled under his nails. Suhan glanced down at Yeonseo’s hands and clicked his tongue in disapproval. Then, scratching his head once more, he roughly grabbed Yeonseo’s thin wrist.“Come with me.”When Yeonseo, frightened, tried to resist by planting his feet firmly, Suhan shot him a sharp look. Overcome by fear, Yeonseo gave in and followed as Suhan pulled him along. Suhan led Yeonseo to the bathroom. With a curt expression, Suhan turned on the sink and waited for the water to warm up. Then, with a slight jerk of his chin, he ordered, “Wash your hands.”For a moment, Yeonseo was too confused to understand what was happening, and his small head was filled with question marks.“…??”Seeing this, Suhan sighed deeply, as if frustrated, and repeated, “Wash your hands. Don’t you understand?”Fearing that if he resisted any longer, Suhan might forcibly lift him and shove his hands into the water, Yeonseo shook his head and placed his hands under the running water. He felt his cold palms gradually warm as they were submerged in the water. Soon, Suhan handed him some soap. Yeonseo obediently lathered it and washed his hands. As the bubbles began to disappear, he cautiously glanced at Suhan and turned off the water, hoping to show that he could handle at least this much on his own. However, Suhan, dissatisfied for some reason, inspected Yeonseo’s hands closely and then shook his head in disapproval.


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