To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

“Hmm…”Suhan’s brows furrowed as he let out a low groan. It seemed like he was asking Yeonseo to be quiet because of the noise. Despite knowing there was no one to hear him, Yeonseo quickly nodded. His heartbeat felt excessively loud, but no matter how hard he tried to cover his mouth, he couldn’t stop the sound of his heartbeat from leaking through. Yeonseo decided to stay awake until morning, listening carefully to the steady, close breaths.However, despite his determination not to fall asleep, the comfort of Suhan’s embrace soon overwhelmed him, and he drifted off. The rapid heartbeat from earlier made his eyelids grow heavier, and gradually his eyes closed. How much time passed while he was lost in sleep? As the moon began to set, Yeonseo stirred and vaguely regained consciousness. He was unsure if he was dreaming or awake, and just as he was about to fall back asleep, he felt something warm encircle his thin, dry neck.“…?”Feeling the touch, Yeonseo fluttered his eyelids and made a slight movement, causing the hand around his neck to flinch. Yeonseo placed his small palm over the hand gripping his neck and brought it close to his cheek, rubbing it softly like a pet seeking affection. The hand quickly withdrew from the bed. Before he could even realize it was real and not a dream, he sank back into a deeper sleep.When he opened his eyes again, Yeonseo was in his bed. Neither Suhan nor the housekeeper was present. It was natural that his parents weren’t around. Yeonseo hurriedly climbed out of bed and went to the living room, where the housekeeper was preparing breakfast.“You’re up? You need to eat a hearty breakfast to grow tall.”It was a sunny morning outside, as if the heavy rain that had caused a blackout the previous night had been nothing but a lie. It was as if nothing had happened.“…?”Did I dream it? In his confusion, Yeonseo looked for Suhan. When he peeked towards the annex, the housekeeper informed him with a smile.“Suhan already went to school. Look at the time.”Looking at the clock in the living room, Yeonseo saw that it was already past 8 o’clock. Since it took Suhan about 30 minutes to walk to school, he must have left well before the school start time of 7:50. Rubbing his still-sleepy eyes, Yeonseo went to the bathroom to wash his face. Once he was fully awake, it seemed as though everything that had happened the night before had been just a dream. Suhan hugging him and holding his neck—everything.“Let’s eat, breakfast is ready.”Having breakfast alone without his parents was so unusual that Yeonseo awkwardly fidgeted with his utensils and repeatedly put them down on the table. Only after receiving several reminders from the housekeeper to eat properly did he finish his meal. Throughout breakfast, Yeonseo reflected on the events of the previous night. Should he ask if there was a blackout? Or at least ask if he had come back to his room? However, receiving confirmation that the previous night’s events were indeed a dream would only make it painfully clear that Suhan’s embrace had been nothing but a figment of his imagination. He found it hard to even bring it up.It was strange. The reluctance to even verify something that hadn’t happened in reality. Even with his limited judgment, he knew it wasn’t ideal. But as Yeonseo had always done, avoidance seemed the safest and most comfortable approach, so he chose the easier path.That evening, when his parents returned home as usual, Yeonseo had no time to be preoccupied with the previous night’s events.“Oh, our youngest, weren’t you scared sleeping alone last night?”“You’re already grown up and can sleep alone well.”Hugged by his father and showered with affection, Yeonseo felt a faint guilt over the thought of ‘what if I wasn’t actually alone?’ But soon, he was distracted by the children’s tool set he received as a birthday present and forgot all about it.Afterwards, Suhan’s demeanor remained unchanged. He was casually indifferent, but even in that indifference, his kindness sometimes showed through. Yeonseo enjoyed every moment with Suhan. Even the occasional unpleasantness was endearing because, when he was in danger or trouble, Suhan would help without hesitation. Yeonseo appreciated Suhan’s honesty. Like many adults, people tend to see what they want to believe, and he thought Suhan was just a bit misunderstood due to his inability to express himself clearly, like many other adults.As Yeonseo’s feelings for Suhan grew, the role of ‘hyung’ in his heart diminished, and Yeonseo grew taller while Suhan advanced in his grades. It had been over a year since they moved to the quiet seaside village, and Yeonseo had come to accept Suhan as a member of his family.Unlike the brother who had left him without a word at an unexpected time, Suhan was strong and would surely stay by his side and protect him. As he repeated this wish, which was based only on his hopes, an unexpected event occurred that seemed to prove this was nothing more than a one-sided wish.* * *That day, Suhan came home earlier than usual. Normally, Suhan would have gone to the annex to drop off his bag, changed out of his school uniform, and then come to the main house to check his homework, but for some reason, he had not yet come home. Yeonseo had clearly seen him enter the yard earlier, but where had he gone? Yeonseo, scratching his head, left the dining room and went out into the garden. Perhaps something had happened in the garden. He thoroughly searched the path leading to the walking trail, but Suhan was nowhere to be seen. The annex lights were still off, so he hadn’t gone there.Realizing he hadn’t checked everywhere, Yeonseo wondered if he might have gone straight to the beach.There didn’t seem to be any reason for that. Tilting his head, Yeonseo walked towards the sea, where he saw Suhan standing by the waves with his school bag left behind. The bag was soaked and swaying as if it might be swept away by the sea, but Suhan seemed completely unconcerned. Looking around, Yeonseo noticed that the items Suhan’s parents had given him were scattered and ruined like trash. It gave him a chilling feeling.“Suhan, hyung…!”Yeonseo called out and approached from behind, but Suhan didn’t react at all. Instead, he got up from where he was sitting and slowly walked into the sea. As the water rose from his ankles to his calves, and then from his calves to his knees, Suhan remained silent.“Hyung, hyung…!”By the time Yeonseo reached Suhan, desperately running with his small legs, the water had already risen to Suhan’s waist. Only then did Yeonseo realize the unsettling feeling he had sensed from afar. Suhan, ignoring Yeonseo’s attempts to stop him, continued walking deeper into the water. His vacant eyes, looking as if they were shattered, stared at the setting sun on the horizon, as if using it as a guide.Yeonseo couldn’t understand why Suhan was doing this. It was just like when he had lost his brother.He couldn’t lose Suhan too.Desperately clinging to Suhan to prevent him from going further, Yeonseo was thrown around as Suhan swung his arms to push him away. But no matter how hard Suhan tried to shake him off, Yeonseo clung on stubbornly, only causing splashes on the surface.“Let go! Damn it, how far are you going to…?”No matter how hard Suhan struggled, Yeonseo held on tightly to Suhan’s arm, refusing to let go. In the end, Suhan thought of a different approach. He barely managed to move closer to where Yeonseo’s head would be submerged, but the child clinging to him like a leech wouldn’t come off.“Let go, would you?!”His voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Yeonseo barely managed to break the surface and gasped for breath.“Because, because I, I did something wrong…!”But all he got in return was a cynical laugh.“What did you do wrong?”All Yeonseo had ever done was enjoy the affection others lavished on him. He had wanted more love and wished to remain the adorable youngest in the family. He thought he had grown a little, healing from the wounds of losing his brother, but it was clear that was just self-satisfaction. Just as Suhan’s father had once saved Yeonseo, a grand and brave rescue was something Yeonseo could never pull off on his own.Before Yeonseo could answer, he clung tightly to Suhan again. Back then, he had been too scared to do anything, but this time, he couldn’t just sit back. The seawater flooded into his nose, mouth, and even his ears, and he felt like he was going to lose consciousness as his breath was caught at the top of his throat. Yet Yeonseo summoned every ounce of strength to hold onto Suhan.“Ha.”At last, Suhan gave up trying to push Yeonseo away and placed his hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. Each time the waves swelled, Yeonseo’s head, barely able to breathe, was fully submerged. He understood what Suhan was trying to do, but his mind couldn’t grasp it. Suhan wouldn’t hurt him. He couldn’t. With that certainty, Yeonseo didn’t push Suhan’s purposeful hand away, choosing instead to hold onto him. He felt the rough bubbles rise to the surface, as if seawater was filling him deep inside his lungs.Underwater, the sound was muffled. The swirling noise of the waves and someone’s distant shouting reminded him of the sounds he had heard in the fire. Even if you hate me, I hope ‘hyung’ survives. That selfish wish echoed through his mind as his consciousness faded.How much time had passed? When Yeonseo opened his eyes again, he was back in his room. As if he had been dreaming, his clothes had been neatly changed into pajamas, and the clock pointed to late at night. When Yeonseo groggily blinked his eyes open, someone watching over him by his bedside gently pressed his shoulder. It seemed like they wanted him to sleep more. As Yeonseo felt the familiar weight of that hand, he slowly drifted back to sleep.When the sun rose again, Suhan had returned to his usual self. The only difference was that he had perfectly concealed the complaints and irritations he had always openly shown to Yeonseo.Yeonseo disliked Suhan’s change. Suhan’s attitude had become much kinder than before, but that only made it feel more like a facade. Yet, Yeonseo couldn’t bring himself to protest, even in the smallest way. Asking someone to treat you coldly and rudely was surely a strange request. Still, it was the moment when Yeonseo’s belief that he held some special meaning for Suhan, unlike the other adults, crumbled.Even when Yeonseo scratched his arm deliberately to get Suhan’s attention, it was the same.“Why did you do that? What scared you so much? Let’s put some ointment on.”Suhan gently cleaned Yeonseo’s wound with a non-stinging disinfectant, carefully applied ointment, and even made sure it dried so it wouldn’t stain the blanket or clothes. He didn’t scold him or get angry. Just like in front of the adults, Suhan smiled kindly and patted Yeonseo’s head. Though Suhan had done nothing wrong, the distance between them felt even greater. Yeonseo hoped it was just his imagination, but Suhan’s behavior didn’t change until Yeonseo’s family decided to return to Seoul.The decisive factor in their return was the results of a genetic test that had come out at just the right time. This was when Suhan was sixteen and Yeonseo was eleven.Yeonseo overheard bits of the adults’ conversation. “Suhan is in the middle of puberty now, and while he’s mature enough to handle it well, it’s still a sensitive age. It might be uncomfortable for him to live in the same house with us if we move back to Seoul… There’s a school we think would be good for Suhan, and they happen to have a dormitory. We’ll take care of the paperwork, so Suhan just needs to pass the entrance exam.”Everything proceeded without regard to Yeonseo’s feelings.Suhan passed the entrance exam with confidence and, thanks to the school’s consideration, entered the dormitory earlier than the designated period. There was a plausible reason attached to all this special treatment: despite his academic excellence, Suhan, a student from a disadvantaged single-parent family, couldn’t fully focus on his studies due to poor conditions, and thus received support from Seosang Group.It was obvious how Suhan would be perceived among students who had never stepped outside the comfortable, luxurious boundaries their parents had built for them. But there was no one in the world who would consider such things for Suhan. No one could even imagine that anything was wrong, as he was simply given the opportunity to study in the best environment.The results of the genetic test, which were routinely done during adolescence, were kept from Yeonseo alone. It wasn’t so much that they were deliberately hidden from him, but rather that no one bothered to tell him. If he had asked his parents, they would have told him, but Yeonseo wanted to hear the news from Suhan himself. Suhan was tall, smart, and cool, so Yeonseo was certain he’d be an Alpha.It was much later when Yeonseo finally learned the result had been different from what he expected. Even after hearing that Suhan was an Omega, Yeonseo couldn’t see him. Though he heard updates from his parents, Suhan rarely left the dormitory and stayed at school during breaks, applying for independent study programs. After entering university, he immediately went abroad, and the occasional photos Yeonseo’s parents shared were the only glimpses of Suhan he had.“Suhan is doing well. Look, he was chosen as the representative speaker at a school presentation.” In the photos, Suhan looked as cool as ever, even more so than the adult Suhan Yeonseo had imagined as a child. He had a bright, handsome smile and looked nothing like the typical image people had of an Omega. Suhan was always surrounded by people, and he seemed to possess all the reasons and qualifications to be loved.It was a long time before Yeonseo met Suhan again. Though there had been other opportunities, circumstances like weather or schedules always got in the way. When they finally reunited after nearly 10 years, it was as colleagues, with Suhan as Yeonseo’s superior. The Suhan Yeonseo met then was completely different from the Suhan he remembered from his university days.Suhan wasn’t particularly warm toward the other employees either, but Yeonseo was taken aback by the overt coldness and disregard directed only at him. He couldn’t even ask why. It was impossible to trace back where things had gone wrong. Something must have happened to Suhan during that time, but even their parents couldn’t explain it.“People’s personalities sometimes change as they work. Suhan hasn’t caused any problems, so maybe it’s nothing to worry about,” their parents would say dismissively.It was easy for them to say that because Suhan’s performance at the company had brought about nothing but positive change. The sudden, disruptive force Suhan had become within a division that had been content to remain in second place had a greater impact than anyone expected. Suhan didn’t hesitate to speak his mind, and soon only those willing to work with him remained on the team. Unnecessary personnel and projects were swiftly reorganized, and the new hires Suhan selected proved to be highly capable.The results were so overwhelmingly positive that no one felt the need to analyze Suhan’s changed personality.A few months after Suhan was officially recognized for his contributions and promoted to an executive position, Yeonseo received a unilateral proposal from his parents. They said it was something they had thought about for a long time. “You and Suhan got along well when you were younger. Since neither of you is seeing anyone, why not…?” When Yeonseo, shocked, asked if Suhan was aware of this, they told him that Suhan had already agreed. And so, the first step toward an unhappy marriage was taken.* * *“…”All the way home, Yeonseo couldn’t shake off the uneasy feeling. Even if he led the project, he wasn’t confident he could also handle Junho. Yeonseo had always played a supporting role to Suhan, while Suhan was the one who dealt with Junho directly. If Yeonseo had to work with Junho, he would have to face him head-on, but he couldn’t imagine maintaining a smooth working relationship with him. As Yeonseo entered the house, trying to hide his troubled thoughts, a cheerful voice greeted him.“You’re back? You’re a little later than usual today.”It was almost 7:30, a bit later than his usual arrival time before 7. Yeonseo nodded lightly and found himself instinctively heading toward Suhan. Standing awkwardly with his arms open, as he hadn’t washed his hands yet, Suhan got up from the sofa, where he’d been working on his laptop, and embraced Yeonseo without hesitation. Then, Suhan helped him take off his light coat and hung it up before asking, “What’s for dinner tonight?”When Suhan asked kindly, Yeonseo hesitated before answering.“How about pasta? Is that okay?”“What kind of pasta?”“Oil-based, or whatever you want to have.”Suhan then gently pushed Yeonseo toward the bedroom, urging him to clean up. “Pasta sounds good. Make plenty of sauce, and we can have it with some toasted bread. Go freshen up and come out.”The peaceful dinner atmosphere was suddenly reversed when they were halfway through their meal.“By the way, I called Mom today.”At Suhan’s casual remark, Yeonseo nearly dropped his utensils. His voice faltering, he asked, “You did? What, uh, brought that on…?”How could he possibly know what had happened? Suhan hadn’t done anything wrong, of course, but he had a tendency to charge forward and find a way out later, as if he didn’t think much about the aftermath. This was exactly the same as before he lost his memory.“You’ve started working with your cousin since he returned, right? I thought it might be a good chance to meet up. It turns out we have some connections, so I suggested a family gathering,” Suhan casually dropped the bombshell. Yeonseo, who had spent the whole day submerged in old memories, turned pale and pressed him. Again. Always doing things his own way.Suhan had told him not to act like he cared, but to Yeonseo, it was only natural. Lee Suhan disliked Jo Yeonseo. It was better for them not to be entangled any further. It was Suhan who had broken that wall, and Yeonseo was still struggling, trying to figure out the best way to protect him. Yet, Suhan kept creating waves, as if he didn’t care about any of Yeonseo’s efforts.“Why did you do that? Why…!”Even though Yeonseo, uncharacteristically unable to control his expression, was angry, Suhan remained calm. He took a bite of the tomato on his fork, chewed thoughtfully, and then replied leisurely.“So just tell me everything you know, okay? Yeonseo.”It was as if that had been his goal all along. Suhan smiled, his face relaxed. His words were light, but the tone at the end carried weight. He was unbearably handsome.“If I mess up, it wouldn’t be good, right? You need to help me out.”To Yeonseo, it sounded as if Suhan was declaring that he would cause trouble if Yeonseo didn’t give him what he wanted.“…”When Yeonseo remained silent, his face stiff, Suhan played another card.“I won’t blame you for lying to me. Just make it so I can trust you now.”His voice was as kind and sincere as always. If Yeonseo didn’t keep his guard up, he feared he might fall for the charm completely. Clenching his lips tightly, Yeonseo avoided Suhan’s gaze. Yet, in this situation, there was no way to escape without giving Suhan the answer he wanted. Whether it was hesitation or fear that made Yeonseo avert his eyes, it didn’t matter. Seeing this, Suhan pushed again.“I’ll promise you one thing: If you weren’t the one who crashed me into the guardrail that day, no matter what you did while I was missing my memory, I won’t hold it against you. I won’t leave you.”It was a temptation sweeter than the forbidden fruit. Despite his impeccable appearance, Suhan reminded Yeonseo of a sleek reptile, whose perfectly aesthetic form was covered in smooth scales. Like a creature that had lost its limbs for daring to imitate God. Yeonseo couldn’t resist the bait Suhan had laid. Even without the conditions attached, Suhan had always been someone Yeonseo revered, someone who always knew how to wield power from above.“…It was when I was nine.”With the soft sound of waves in the background, Yeonseo finally began to recount a long-buried story. Suhan, having put aside the cutlery, never took his eyes off him. Yeonseo’s subtle trembling breath, the delicate quiver of his eyelashes, all revealed how tense he was. Suhan didn’t interrupt, nodding slowly as if indicating that he was listening to everything. The story finally ended with Yeonseo recounting how they had met again at work and how Suhan’s parents had proposed their marriage. Suhan then gave a brief comment.“That’s it?”Yeonseo’s shoulders and hands flinched, and he lowered his head again, answering quietly.“Yes.”While Yeonseo had been so serious, Suhan seemed unimpressed. That’s really it? It seemed too insignificant to have caused such a major fallout. Yeonseo speculated that perhaps there had been some incident in their parents’ generation that he didn’t know about.“Nothing more direct? Was there no incident where I would’ve been greatly disappointed or angry with you?”At Suhan’s blunt question, Yeonseo appeared to ponder for a moment before answering, looking genuinely uncertain.“I really don’t know. I thought maybe my promotion to executive in exchange for the marriage might have been part of it, but I couldn’t confirm it…”There was no sense that Yeonseo was hiding anything or acting. From what Suhan had observed, the best performance Jo Yeonseo could manage was pretending to be indifferent with a blank expression, which never lasted more than a month before his guard would break down.“Couldn’t you have just asked him directly? If you hated the idea of sharing a room with me so much, why did you marry me?”At Suhan’s pointed question, Yeonseo sighed, turning his head in frustration. At that moment, Suhan’s dry laughter echoed across the table. Laughing, in this situation? Yeonseo shot him a resentful look, only to be met with Suhan’s affectionate gaze that didn’t bother to hide his amusement.“See? You’re good at glaring at me like that.”Without warning, Suhan reached out and playfully pinched Yeonseo’s cheek as if teasing a child.“Nrgh, stop…”As Yeonseo’s eyes welled up in frustration, Suhan smiled even more, drawing the corners of his mouth into a smirk.“Why, honey? Are you giving me that look because you want a kiss?”Without waiting for a response, Suhan cupped Yeonseo’s face with both hands and kissed him. The sound of the chair scraping against the floor as it was pushed back by Suhan’s knee filled the room, but Suhan didn’t care at all. Every trembling breath and nervous glance from Yeonseo was adorable. The one thing Yeonseo feared most was losing Suhan’s love, and that realization alone sent tension through his body. Suhan was tempted to strip Yeonseo right then and there in the kitchen, but he managed to restrain himself when Yeonseo gently pushed him away with a shy, flushed face.“I… want to shower first.”So, in the end, he did want to do it after all. Suhan hadn’t even said anything yet, but he worried he might seem too perverted. Trying to hold back a grin, Suhan wrapped his arm around Yeonseo’s neck and whispered.“Can’t we just shower together? I don’t want to wait.”But Yeonseo’s response was surprisingly firm.“I’ll be quick.”Suhan could only watch in disbelief as Yeonseo, having thrown cold water on the moment, made his way to the master bathroom. That’s probably why I used to hate him, Suhan muttered under his breath before the thought vanished like bubbles.* * *That weekend, the day of the family gathering came sooner than expected. Yeonseo’s uncle’s family had suddenly announced that it was the only day they were available. Suhan, after selecting a wine from the fridge in the veranda based on its price, packed it as a gift and got into the car Yeonseo was driving. The passenger seat hadn’t been touched since the last time Suhan had been in the car.“No one else has been sitting here, huh?”At Suhan’s playful remark, Yeonseo tried to keep a stern expression but ended up answering in a soft voice.“No.”“Good job.”Suhan ruffled Yeonseo’s neatly styled hair as he looked straight ahead and smiled.“I’ll fix it again before we get out.”As if saying that Yeonseo’s opinion didn’t matter at all. Yeonseo gave a few fake coughs to ignore Suhan, pretending not to care as he shifted gears and drove out of the parking lot.Suhan had expected to learn something more from Yeonseo, but the revelations had been underwhelming. He had hoped for a bigger confession, but there was nothing more Yeonseo could guess. Suhan realized that pushing for more answers wouldn’t work. His next move was to maintain the image of the “normal Lee Suhan” and gather clues from the family. Having heard how Suhan usually treated his family from Yeonseo, he focused on keeping his emotions steady as he gazed out the window.Yeonseo couldn’t shake the anxiety he felt about Suhan. If Suhan were in his usual condition, he would have been offended, asking, Do you dare not trust me? But the current Suhan didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, his somewhat carefree attitude only added to Yeonseo’s unease.“Please don’t talk to Juno hyung for too long.”While Suhan could keep things light with the other family members, Juno was different. If Juno started discussing business matters, Suhan wouldn’t be able to respond properly. Yeonseo knew that Suhan’s uncle’s family was always looking for opportunities to expand their influence within the group, and if they discovered that Suhan couldn’t function properly — let alone that he had lost his memory — the consequences could be disastrous. That’s why Yeonseo had repeatedly warned Suhan before they left, trying to convince him to cancel the meeting, explaining just how reckless and dangerous this situation was. But Suhan wouldn’t listen.All I need to do is show them I’m fine, right?Yeonseo had tried to explain again and again that it wasn’t that simple, but Suhan refused to change his mind. As Yeonseo agonized over whether to just turn the car around, they passed the rest stop and began approaching familiar scenery. Suhan alternated his gaze between the approaching mansion and Yeonseo, muttering to himself loud enough for Yeonseo to hear.“Wow. It’s like I’m pretending it’s someone else’s house, even though I’ve clearly lived there before.”“…”Yeonseo didn’t respond.