To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

Although many things were slower for Yeonseo compared to his peers, if there was one thing he excelled at, it was his uncanny ability to pick the right person to rely on. Growing up as the youngest and receiving ample love, with his only older brother bearing the full weight of the responsibilities as the heir of a chaebol family, Yeonseo was given only the easiest and most comfortable things. Because of this, Yeonseo grew up as a spoiled child, with a keen sense of who cherished and took care of him, and who he could be affectionate with.When Yeonseo first met Suhan, he seemed like a cold-hearted person, as if even a needle couldn’t pierce through his defenses. He was the type of ‘hyung’ who seemed like he’d sprout bright red horns from his head if he turned around—terrifying. But after spending a few months together, Yeonseo began to understand a little about the person named Lee Suhan.First, Suhan was someone whose outer appearance didn’t match his inner self. He often smiled outwardly while complaining inside, or scolded you while still taking care of you. Even if the reason was simply that his parents had asked him to do so, it didn’t matter. When Yeonseo tripped over a rock while running, it wasn’t their parents at the office who quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him from falling—it was Suhan hyung.“Don’t let your mind wander all over,” Suhan would say, uttering unnecessary words of annoyance, but that couldn’t have been his true feelings. The warmth that radiated from his tightly clasped hand was far too comforting for that.* * *It had been over half a year since this peculiar living arrangement began. It had been more than six months since Yeonseo’s family moved down to Gangneung. During that time, the rainy season, when it seemed like rain fell every other day, had passed, and Suhan had received his second report card. Once again, it showed a perfect score of 1.Though such a score could hardly be dismissed as a fluke, one could have written off the first report card as the result of the advanced education Suhan received in the capital. However, with a second perfect score, no one could nitpick anymore. Even the housekeeper, who had always looked at Suhan with suspicion, could no longer express any doubt after seeing him consistently bring home top marks.Suhan found this change amusing. He let out a bitter laugh at how a mere number could guarantee his safety. Do they even know why I study so hard? Each time his father patted him on the head and praised him, Suhan felt filthy inside. It’s because I don’t want to live like you. Although Suhan often got himself into trouble by saying things he shouldn’t, he knew enough not to cross the line when he was still depending on his current situation.‘…!’And so, the brunt of his frustration always landed on an unrelated party. Yeonseo, who didn’t even go to school because of homeschooling, constantly looked up at Suhan as if he admired him for some grand reason. It irritated Suhan to no end. He knew it was misdirected anger, but he thought it didn’t matter as long as it wasn’t something he revealed in front of others. Sometimes, Suhan wanted to snap, “What do you even know?” but he restrained himself.If this house were truly mine. If my father had a respectable job that wouldn’t embarrass me. If my mother hadn’t abandoned me. Even if we couldn’t live better than others, if only we could live at least as well as others. Whenever Suhan looked at Yeonseo, countless “what ifs” stretched endlessly before him. Every time Yeonseo, unaware of Suhan’s thoughts, nervously approached him to show off a vocabulary book he’d filled with correct answers, Suhan would offer some empty praise and send him off, knowing there was no way he could reject him anyway.Was I like that when I was young? The inner workings of an elementary schooler were far more transparent than a deep body of water. Suhan, having grown enough to know better, realized it was far easier to just pat Yeonseo’s head and assign new homework rather than telling him outright that none of it mattered. After all, Yeonseo could never even imagine what Suhan was really thinking.“…”So, in moments like this, Suhan found himself utterly at a loss. When the answer to dealing with Yeonseo was obvious, yet Suhan didn’t want to do it. Sitting at the dining table, Suhan deliberately avoided looking at Yeonseo, who was staring out the window that offered a view of the garage.“They’re not coming…”Yeonseo’s muttering wasn’t directed at Suhan. Today was Yeonseo’s birthday, and he had never experienced a birthday without his family. Although his parents were often too busy to look after him, in such cases, his older brother would always skip his lessons to stay by his side. Thanks to this, Yeonseo’s birthday dinners had never been anything short of lively.It was normal for them to either go on a family trip to a famous resort abroad or rent a suite for a private family party. They would pop open children’s champagne, which was just sparkling water and juice, and fill the table with cakes and cookies from the finest bakeries in top hotels. Surrounded by family singing birthday songs, Yeonseo would unwrap his gifts, examine them one by one, and before he knew it, it would be time for bed. It was a day when he could fall asleep feeling completely loved by his family.But today was different. His older brother was no longer by his side, and by 7 PM, there was still no word from his parents. The only thing that had arrived was a cake sent via courier from Seoul, which now sat in the refrigerator, waiting to be shared with the parents who were supposed to return soon.“I’ll give them a call. They usually let us know if they’ll be late…”The housekeeper stepped out for about 15 minutes, and when she returned, the news she brought was like a bolt from the blue.“What should we do…? They had to rush out of town for urgent business, so it seems they won’t be able to come back tonight.”That meant not only his parents but also Suhan’s father, who was supposed to drive them home, wouldn’t be returning. Yeonseo was so shocked he couldn’t even speak, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly as he stared in disbelief. The housekeeper, looking flustered, tried to soothe him.“They’re just very busy today. They promised they’d be here tomorrow, so how about we have dinner together tonight and celebrate your birthday tomorrow?”But those words didn’t register with Yeonseo, who had never even imagined a birthday without both his parents and his brother. His eyes still wide like a startled rabbit, Yeonseo’s tears welled up, and the housekeeper shot an SOS glance toward Suhan.‘What do you expect me to do…?’Suhan, who had planned to quietly slip away to his annex once Yeonseo’s parents returned, found the situation ridiculous. What do you want from me? He looked down at the housekeeper with a blank expression, but she motioned toward Yeonseo, urging him to comfort the boy.“…”Even if he wanted to, comforting someone was no easy task. If it were that simple, I’d be a teacher, not a middle school student. Internally sighing with irritation, Suhan muttered,“Get the cake out. I’ll blow out the candles with him.”The words were meant for Yeonseo, but before he knew it, the housekeeper had already set the cake on the table. Ignoring the lip-quivering, tearful Yeonseo behind him, Suhan unwrapped the cake box and took out the beautifully decorated cake. Between the delicate designs crafted by top professionals, the lettering was inscribed:[Happy birthday, Yeonseo][To our beloved Yeonseo, happy birthday]“Beloved.” That was a word Suhan had never heard used to describe him in his entire life. What’s the big deal about missing a day because you’re busy? There are people who’ve left their kids with old folks with dementia and haven’t come home in years. Some people were abandoned right at birth. Scoffing inwardly, Suhan stuck candles in the cake and lit them.“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.”Yeonseo, who had been pouting with a displeased expression, hesitantly moved toward the cake as Suhan started singing. He glanced back and forth between the cake, the candles, and Suhan, waiting for the song to end.“To our beloved Yeonseo.”These were the words that least reflected Suhan’s true feelings as they left his mouth. However, such things didn’t even register in Yeonseo’s mind.“Happy birthday.”“Wow!”As the housekeeper clapped awkwardly, Yeonseo tightly shut his eyes and blew out the candles.“What wish did you make, Yeonseo?”At the housekeeper’s question, Yeonseo, with eyes still wet from tears, shook his head as if to say it was a secret.“Oh, right, you’re not supposed to say it.”With his lips sealed tight like a clam, Yeonseo’s wish was different this year. Until last year, he wished for something like “Please let my family be happy for a long time.” But starting this year, it had changed. Now, his secret wish, one he would never speak aloud, was that Suhan hyung would stay with him, not just next year, but for many years to come.After blowing out the candles, the next steps followed naturally. When Yeonseo carefully cut the cake with the bread knife brought by the housekeeper, the soft layers were revealed. Suhan watched intently as the plastic blade sliced through the surprisingly elaborate decorations for a child’s birthday cake. Yeonseo glanced up at Suhan briefly, then pushed half of the cake towards him and said,“Th-this is for you, hyung…!”The amount was far too much for one person to eat, and Suhan let out a reflexive chuckle. How am I supposed to eat all of this? He was about to respond brusquely but instead smiled wryly and picked up a fork. With a poke, he pierced the icing, cutting the fruit-layered cake into a bite-sized piece.The cake, which he ate before the birthday boy, was soft, with a pleasant sweetness. The more he chewed, the more the rich flavor of the cream spread in his mouth. It was a blend of various flavors and ingredients he had never tasted before. It couldn’t even be compared to the cheap cakes that only tasted of overly sweet sugar syrup.Yeonseo stared, almost mesmerized, at the gentle smile tugging at Suhan’s lips. Then, without hesitation, he pushed the remaining half of his cake toward Suhan’s plate as well.“I don’t… really need to eat, so… hyung, you can have it all…!”I told you I can’t eat that much, Suhan thought. In the end, he cut a portion small enough for Yeonseo and set it aside for him. Only then did Yeonseo pick up his fork. Cream smeared along the edges of his lips as he took small bites. With a sigh, Suhan tore off a piece of paper towel and gently wiped Yeonseo’s mouth before placing the fork and empty plate in the sink.“Oh, why aren’t you eating more? There’s still so much left…” the housekeeper commented.Who would want to stay in such an uncomfortable situation? Suhan lightly shook his head, offered a brief nod, and headed back to the annex. The taste of cake lingering in his mouth suddenly felt nauseating.A little later, Yeonseo received a message from his parents, saying they likely wouldn’t be back until tomorrow evening. Their attempts to placate him by suggesting a trip to a distant amusement park over the weekend or a vacation abroad next month barely registered in his mind. Even as he answered their call, his attention was drawn to the light shining from the annex beyond the window.Will hyung be sleeping alone tonight, too? Yeonseo knew Suhan slept in a different room from the housekeeper, but having another person around and being alone were two different things. The annex had been renovated for living, but it was originally built as a storage space, so despite the wallpaper and flooring, there was still a lingering sense of unease about it. Wouldn’t it be too scary to sleep alone there? As Yeonseo stared blankly at the annex, lost in thought—Boom, crack-!Suddenly, thunder and lightning struck from the clear sky, and the rain poured down as if a dam had burst.“…!”Startled by the deafening sound, Yeonseo nearly fell off his chair.Boom!Another flash of lightning illuminated the sky, and all the lights in the house went out. Darkness enveloped everything.“Oh my!” the housekeeper exclaimed. She quickly checked the circuit breaker and reassured Yeonseo, “It looks like a temporary blackout. They’ve already been notified, so maintenance should be coming to check it soon.”She rummaged through the kitchen and lit a candle. The small flame filled the room, and Yeonseo could finally see the outside view again. The annex, too, was completely dark. Without hesitation, Yeonseo jumped out of his chair and headed for the front door.“I’ll go check on Suhan hyung…!”Before the housekeeper could stop him, Yeonseo ran out into the rain and pressed the annex doorbell repeatedly. Before long, the door opened, and Suhan poked his head out. Without waiting for Suhan to understand the situation, Yeonseo had already darted inside the annex.“What is it?” Suhan asked bluntly. Yeonseo flinched, almost stepping back, but managed to stammer a response.“There’s a blackout, so…”“And what does that have to do with you coming here?” Suhan retorted.Yeonseo closed his eyes tightly for a moment, swallowed the lump in his throat, and shouted,“I was scared you’d be… scared.”Suhan, clearly baffled, shot back, “Me?”Yeonseo barely opened his eyes, glancing up at Suhan before quickly turning his head away. He wanted to nod in response, but his body froze like a mouse facing a snake. Despite growing taller since they moved to Gangneung, Yeonseo still seemed small compared to Suhan, whose height was more than a head taller than most middle schoolers. The sight of a child barely 130 cm tall coming to “help” Suhan, who wasn’t even scared, was comical. Besides, Suhan wasn’t bothered by the blackout at all—it was something he was used to.“I don’t need you here. Go.”Suhan grabbed the doorknob, intending to send Yeonseo back, but Yeonseo panicked. Is this the wrong approach? Maybe if I say I’m scared… He quickly changed his strategy.“I-I’m scared…!”Suhan’s brow furrowed, and he stared at Yeonseo’s face intently. Yeonseo, afraid that Suhan would see right through him, avoided eye contact and nervously fidgeted with his fingers. Ever since hearing that his parents wouldn’t return, Yeonseo had been pinching the skin beneath his fingernails so hard that they were now red and swollen.“…Ha.”Without saying anything more, Suhan walked back into his room. Although he didn’t speak, the fact that he left the door half open instead of closing it meant he was allowing Yeonseo to stay. Yeonseo hurriedly took off his shoes at the entrance and quickly stepped inside before Suhan could change his mind and shut the door. He had only visited Suhan’s room during the day, so seeing it dark like this was a first.“…!”Suhan seemed to have been getting ready for bed. His workbook was closed on the desk, with a pen tucked inside, and the bed was half made. Without paying attention to Yeonseo, Suhan slipped his legs under the covers and pulled the blanket up to his chest. Then he turned to face the wall, lying down.At first glance, it seemed like Suhan wasn’t paying any attention to Yeonseo, but the empty space on one side of the bed suggested otherwise. It was as if that space was left for Yeonseo. As always, Yeonseo interpreted Suhan’s actions in his own way and squeezed himself into the spot next to him.“…”Suhan’s broad shoulders rose and fell slowly with his soft breathing. Yeonseo suddenly felt the urge to press his ear to Suhan’s back, curious if Suhan’s heartbeat sounded like the loud thumping in his own chest. However, the fear of being kicked out stopped him, as even Yeonseo knew where to draw the line. Instead, he cautiously observed Suhan’s reactions bit by bit.“……”Slowly, Yeonseo placed his fingers on Suhan’s broad back. Suhan flinched slightly as his nape moved, but he didn’t show any further reaction, suggesting he might still be asleep. Encouraged by this, Yeonseo carefully moved from his index finger to his middle finger, and then to his ring finger, gradually placing his palm on the wing of Suhan’s shoulder blade. Suhan remained unresponsive. Yeonseo carefully noted the differences between Suhan’s well-defined, muscular build and his own brother’s physique. Everything was different from his brother. While his brother had clean hands with only the marks of a pen, Suhan’s hands were scarred and rough.The fingernails, rather than being clean and neat, were uneven from being broken and damaged, and they were trimmed obsessively short. Despite having a refined appearance when his eyes were closed, Suhan’s hands bore the marks of hard work, which seemed unusual for someone who was still just a middle schooler. There were signs that he had become an adult far too early.How long had he observed? The moment Yeonseo’s fingers lightly touched a small spot on the back of Suhan’s neck, Suhan’s hand, which had been completely still, suddenly reached over his back and grabbed Yeonseo’s wrist.“Gah…!”Startled, Yeonseo almost fell backward, but Suhan pulled him towards himself, ensuring he wouldn’t fall off the bed. He covered Yeonseo with the blanket and entwined his arms around him. Trapped firmly in Suhan’s embrace, Yeonseo felt as if his heart was about to leap out of his chest.“Hmm…”Suhan’s brows furrowed as he let out a low groan. It seemed like he was asking Yeonseo to be quiet because of the noise. Despite knowing there was no one to hear him, Yeonseo quickly nodded. His heartbeat felt excessively loud, but no matter how hard he tried to cover his mouth, he couldn’t stop the sound of his heartbeat from leaking through. Yeonseo decided to stay awake until morning, listening carefully to the steady, close breaths.However, despite his determination not to fall asleep, the comfort of Suhan’s embrace soon overwhelmed him, and he drifted off. The rapid heartbeat from earlier made his eyelids grow heavier, and gradually his eyes closed. How much time passed while he was lost in sleep? As the moon began to set, Yeonseo stirred and vaguely regained consciousness. He was unsure if he was dreaming or awake, and just as he was about to fall back asleep, he felt something warm encircle his thin, dry neck.“…?”Feeling the touch, Yeonseo fluttered his eyelids and made a slight movement, causing the hand around his neck to flinch. Yeonseo placed his small palm over the hand gripping his neck and brought it close to his cheek, rubbing it softly like a pet seeking affection. The hand quickly withdrew from the bed. Before he could even realize it was real and not a dream, he sank back into a deeper sleep.When he opened his eyes again, Yeonseo was in his bed. Neither Suhan nor the housekeeper was present. It was natural that his parents weren’t around. Yeonseo hurriedly climbed out of bed and went to the living room, where the housekeeper was preparing breakfast.“You’re up? You need to eat a hearty breakfast to grow tall.”It was a sunny morning outside, as if the heavy rain that had caused a blackout the previous night had been nothing but a lie. It was as if nothing had happened.“…?”Did I dream it? In his confusion, Yeonseo looked for Suhan. When he peeked towards the annex, the housekeeper informed him with a smile.“Suhan already went to school. Look at the time.”Looking at the clock in the living room, Yeonseo saw that it was already past 8 o’clock. Since it took Suhan about 30 minutes to walk to school, he must have left well before the school start time of 7:50. Rubbing his still-sleepy eyes, Yeonseo went to the bathroom to wash his face. Once he was fully awake, it seemed as though everything that had happened the night before had been just a dream. Suhan hugging him and holding his neck—everything.“Let’s eat, breakfast is ready.”Having breakfast alone without his parents was so unusual that Yeonseo awkwardly fidgeted with his utensils and repeatedly put them down on the table. Only after receiving several reminders from the housekeeper to eat properly did he finish his meal. Throughout breakfast, Yeonseo reflected on the events of the previous night. Should he ask if there was a blackout? Or at least ask if he had come back to his room? However, receiving confirmation that the previous night’s events were indeed a dream would only make it painfully clear that Suhan’s embrace had been nothing but a figment of his imagination. He found it hard to even bring it up.It was strange. The reluctance to even verify something that hadn’t happened in reality. Even with his limited judgment, he knew it wasn’t ideal. But as Yeonseo had always done, avoidance seemed the safest and most comfortable approach, so he chose the easier path.That evening, when his parents returned home as usual, Yeonseo had no time to be preoccupied with the previous night’s events.“Oh, our youngest, weren’t you scared sleeping alone last night?”“You’re already grown up and can sleep alone well.”Hugged by his father and showered with affection, Yeonseo felt a faint guilt over the thought of ‘what if I wasn’t actually alone?’ But soon, he was distracted by the children’s tool set he received as a birthday present and forgot all about it.Afterwards, Suhan’s demeanor remained unchanged. He was casually indifferent, but even in that indifference, his kindness sometimes showed through. Yeonseo enjoyed every moment with Suhan. Even the occasional unpleasantness was endearing because, when he was in danger or trouble, Suhan would help without hesitation. Yeonseo appreciated Suhan’s honesty. Like many adults, people tend to see what they want to believe, and he thought Suhan was just a bit misunderstood due to his inability to express himself clearly, like many other adults.As Yeonseo’s feelings for Suhan grew, the role of ‘hyung’ in his heart diminished, and Yeonseo grew taller while Suhan advanced in his grades. It had been over a year since they moved to the quiet seaside village, and Yeonseo had come to accept Suhan as a member of his family.Unlike the brother who had left him without a word at an unexpected time, Suhan was strong and would surely stay by his side and protect him. As he repeated this wish, which was based only on his hopes, an unexpected event occurred that seemed to prove this was nothing more than a one-sided wish.* * *That day, Suhan came home earlier than usual. Normally, Suhan would have gone to the annex to drop off his bag, changed out of his school uniform, and then come to the main house to check his homework, but for some reason, he had not yet come home. Yeonseo had clearly seen him enter the yard earlier, but where had he gone? Yeonseo, scratching his head, left the dining room and went out into the garden. Perhaps something had happened in the garden. He thoroughly searched the path leading to the walking trail, but Suhan was nowhere to be seen. The annex lights were still off, so he hadn’t gone there.Realizing he hadn’t checked everywhere, Yeonseo wondered if he might have gone straight to the beach.There didn’t seem to be any reason for that. Tilting his head, Yeonseo walked towards the sea, where he saw Suhan standing by the waves with his school bag left behind. The bag was soaked and swaying as if it might be swept away by the sea, but Suhan seemed completely unconcerned. Looking around, Yeonseo noticed that the items Suhan’s parents had given him were scattered and ruined like trash. It gave him a chilling feeling.“Suhan, hyung…!”Yeonseo called out and approached from behind, but Suhan didn’t react at all. Instead, he got up from where he was sitting and slowly walked into the sea. As the water rose from his ankles to his calves, and then from his calves to his knees, Suhan remained silent.“Hyung, hyung…!”By the time Yeonseo reached Suhan, desperately running with his small legs, the water had already risen to Suhan’s waist. Only then did Yeonseo realize the unsettling feeling he had sensed from afar. Suhan, ignoring Yeonseo’s attempts to stop him, continued walking deeper into the water. His vacant eyes, looking as if they were shattered, stared at the setting sun on the horizon, as if using it as a guide.Yeonseo couldn’t understand why Suhan was doing this. It was just like when he had lost his brother.He couldn’t lose Suhan too.Desperately clinging to Suhan to prevent him from going further, Yeonseo was thrown around as Suhan swung his arms to push him away. But no matter how hard Suhan tried to shake him off, Yeonseo clung on stubbornly, only causing splashes on the surface.“Let go! Damn it, how far are you going to…?”No matter how hard Suhan struggled, Yeonseo held on tightly to Suhan’s arm, refusing to let go. In the end, Suhan thought of a different approach. He barely managed to move closer to where Yeonseo’s head would be submerged, but the child clinging to him like a leech wouldn’t come off.“Let go, would you?!”His voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Yeonseo barely managed to break the surface and gasped for breath.“Because, because I, I did something wrong…!”But all he got in return was a cynical laugh.“What did you do wrong?”All Yeonseo had ever done was enjoy the affection others lavished on him. He had wanted more love and wished to remain the adorable youngest in the family. He thought he had grown a little, healing from the wounds of losing his brother, but it was clear that was just self-satisfaction. Just as Suhan’s father had once saved Yeonseo, a grand and brave rescue was something Yeonseo could never pull off on his own.Before Yeonseo could answer, he clung tightly to Suhan again. Back then, he had been too scared to do anything, but this time, he couldn’t just sit back. The seawater flooded into his nose, mouth, and even his ears, and he felt like he was going to lose consciousness as his breath was caught at the top of his throat. Yet Yeonseo summoned every ounce of strength to hold onto Suhan.“Ha.”At last, Suhan gave up trying to push Yeonseo away and placed his hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. Each time the waves swelled, Yeonseo’s head, barely able to breathe, was fully submerged. He understood what Suhan was trying to do, but his mind couldn’t grasp it. Suhan wouldn’t hurt him. He couldn’t. With that certainty, Yeonseo didn’t push Suhan’s purposeful hand away, choosing instead to hold onto him. He felt the rough bubbles rise to the surface, as if seawater was filling him deep inside his lungs.Underwater, the sound was muffled. The swirling noise of the waves and someone’s distant shouting reminded him of the sounds he had heard in the fire. Even if you hate me, I hope ‘hyung’ survives. That selfish wish echoed through his mind as his consciousness faded.