To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

For Suhan, this was his second family gathering, and the venue was the “big house.” Though people called it that, in truth, all family events and ceremonies were held at Yeonseo’s main house, so it was more accurate to refer to it simply as the house where his uncle’s family lived. The excuse they used to summon Suhan and Yeonseo was quite convenient. They apologized for having to cut short the last rare gathering due to a scheduling conflict, and thus invited them to their home. Although it wasn’t an event Suhan was particularly eager to attend, since Yeonseo’s parents would be present, he couldn’t decline.

If anything were to happen, the homeowner would be the first suspect, but would they really cause any trouble in their own house? Suhan doubted they would go to such extreme lengths. Still, he wasn’t entirely sure that they weren’t involved in the accident, so he remained vigilant. After all, one never knows what people are capable of, and there’s no harm in being prepared.

Finally, the day arrived. Suhan, heading toward the luxurious single-family house that had clearly been obtained by leeching off the success of the smaller branch of the family, glanced disapprovingly at the garden and entrance before stepping inside with Yeonseo.

“Welcome. I’m so sorry about last time. We had an unexpected event come up, and Juno told me you had to wait without even eating because of us.”

The aunt who opened the door and welcomed them was much more presentable than Suhan had imagined. She didn’t exude the crass, nouveau riche vibe of a villain from a drama or movie, where their vulgarity was so apparent it was impossible to hide. In fact, she seemed modest, in contrast to the over-the-top appearance of the house. Suhan was slightly surprised by this more subdued welcome as he headed toward the living room.

“It’s been a while. How have you been? I heard you had quite a serious accident. Are you doing better now?”

The uncle waiting for them in the living room seemed the same. At first glance, the couple didn’t appear likely to behave irrationally. However, Suhan’s impression of them started to change shortly after. While waiting for the rest of the group to arrive, they suddenly heard a loud voice from the hallway.

“How could you do this now? I told you to take care of it properly.”

“…I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“Is ‘sorry’ all you have to say? How can you not even handle such a simple task? Do you have to flaunt how uneducated you are like this?”

The conversation wasn’t particularly loud, but given the house’s layout, there seemed to be some sort of echo chamber effect, making the voices sound as if they were right next to Suhan. Perhaps one of the workers in the house had made a mistake. Regardless, Suhan inwardly felt uncomfortable, thinking the reprimand was a bit too harsh. Upon closer listening, it became clear that the person being scolded hadn’t even done anything wrong.

“You told me to transfer it to the refrigerator around midnight, so I didn’t put it in earlier….”

“So, are you saying it’s my fault? You should’ve checked how much it thawed, even if it was the middle of the night. That’s what we hire live-in maids for. If you want to sleep and rest like the rest of us, why are you getting paid?”

It seemed the food for lunch hadn’t thawed properly. Still, how could she blame someone else for her own poor instructions? Suhan and Yeonseo had been treated decently, but the verbal abuse being hurled now was so humiliating that even as a third party, Suhan felt embarrassed.

This is exactly why you’re stuck doing this kind of thing. You should’ve kept an eye on the situation and reported it instead of just leaving it like that. She seemed to have conveniently forgotten that she herself had complained about the electricity bill and nagged them not to open and close the fridge unnecessarily.

“I’ve told you to stop making excuses and trying to shift the blame onto me. How can you be so clueless?”

She clearly had serious memory issues, frequently backtracking on her own words and then insisting she’d never said them. Her ability to twist her own instructions was astounding.

“Yewon, just handle it. If lunch isn’t ready on time today, I’ll deduct the cost of the ingredients from your salary. Understand?”

With a sharp rebuke, she turned back with a calm, elegant expression. Even just listening to it, Suhan felt chills down his spine.

“They should be arriving soon, so I’ve had the meal preparations started. How is it that you supposedly had such a serious accident, yet you look even better than before?”

It was hard to tell if the calm remark was intended as a casual greeting or a subtle probe into the accident. The person speaking wore an expression that seemed genuinely kind, but Suhan couldn’t shake a sense of discomfort. Still, he, too, was adept at concealing his true feelings, so he responded without a hitch.

“Well, you know… Yeonseo has taken really good care of me. It’s times like these when you realize family is the greatest help.”

Suhan placed his hand over Yeonseo’s and interlocked their fingers, deliberately making the gesture visible. Yeonseo’s aunt’s eyes widened slightly in surprise before she quickly smiled.

“My, it seems the two of you have grown much closer. I remember thinking you both seemed a bit distant and awkward before.”

“Well, we’ve been married for a year now. It’s about time we got closer.”

With that, Suhan boldly wrapped his arm around Yeonseo’s waist and pulled her closer. They’d likely already heard through Juno that their relationship had changed. Holding both a mild smile and a watchful gaze, Suhan met Yeonseo’s aunt’s eyes without flinching.

“There are plenty of couples who aren’t even as close as strangers after marriage. In any case, it’s a good thing. I thought from the wedding that the two of you matched quite well.”

Despite her outwardly benevolent appearance, there was a dark undertone that she couldn’t fully hide, causing a sudden wave of nausea to rise in Suhan. Maybe it was the empty stomach after a 30-minute car ride. Having come straight from home without eating anything since waking up, his stomach churned, but it wasn’t just hunger—it was a deeper discomfort. Suhan pressed his lips together, trying to suppress the feeling, but when it didn’t subside, he stood up.

“Excuse me for a moment, may I use the restroom?”

“Of course. It’s at the end of the hallway, just past the kitchen and before the guest room.”

Suhan walked in the direction his aunt had indicated. The hallway was decorated in deep beige tones, clearly reflecting her personal taste. Though everything appeared to be made from the finest materials, there was an overwhelming sense of disharmony, a strange dissonance in her taste that made it hard to breathe.

It’s not like I’ll be living here forever, so why should I care if someone else’s house feels dreary? As Suhan tried to clear his mind and passed the kitchen, he suddenly heard the sound of someone stifling their sobs behind the sliding door that separated the kitchen from the hallway. It was a sound he had heard countless times during his long stay in the hospital.

Though he had stayed in a private room for most of his time there, not all patients on the same floor had private rooms. While it was difficult to interact with other patients outside of the common areas, it was impossible to block out all the sounds from the hallway. One patient from a room at the very end of the corridor had a habit of coming out to cry in the hallway once or twice a week, as if it were part of their regular routine. After a while, hearing it even in the early morning no longer felt eerie but rather evoked a sense of pity.

You’d be better off finding another job than working in a house like this…. As the thought crossed Suhan’s mind, he instinctively glanced through the wooden slats of the kitchen door. In that moment, he locked eyes with an older woman who could have been someone’s mother. Suhan hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but now that he’d accidentally been caught peeking, he froze in embarrassment.

“I…”

Behind the woman, who was crouched near the sink, Suhan noticed a pile of still-frozen ingredients. They were too large, and if steamed as they were, the insides might not even cook properly. In that case, it would be better to thaw them in water slightly warmer than cold, peel and prepare the ingredients in advance, and steam them to preserve as much moisture as possible…. The cooking methods Suhan had learned by heart quickly flashed through his mind.

In the end, as long as the food turns out well and goes on the table, that’s what matters. If someone asks why it wasn’t done the way they were instructed, I can just say I passed by and suggested it would taste better this way. Suhan knocked lightly on the glass panel of the sliding door and spoke up.

“Excuse me, but would it be alright if I offered a small suggestion?”

The older woman’s tense gaze wavered for a moment.

“Excuse me?”

Though she seemed a bit hesitant, the older woman looked up at Suhan with a hopeful gaze, possibly thinking it was better than struggling on her own. Suhan quickly opened the sliding door and scanned the kitchen counter. Steaming the ingredient whole was probably impossible. It would be better to remove the shell entirely and shred the meat into strips. Suhan took the ingredients, which had started to smell a bit fishy, and soaked them in lukewarm water.

“Please keep changing the water when it gets cold. Can I use whatever is in the fridge?”

Standing in front of the large refrigerator, which seemed oversized for a regular household, Suhan asked the woman, who nodded slowly.

“Yes, that’s fine, but…”

Despite her uncertain response, Suhan, without hesitation, opened the refrigerator’s double doors. Let’s see… there’s a lemon, and any fresh herbs? Thankfully, there was some dried dill left. That should help with the fishy smell. But with the texture being a bit off, it could use something else. Suhan mentally sifted through the list of common supplementary ingredients memorized from experience. Since the signature chewy texture of the shellfish would be gone, something else needed to compensate…

“Why do all the things coming to mind seem like they can’t even be found in Korea?”

The strange names of exotic vegetables Suhan had once read about in fascination flashed in her mind, but they were unnecessary. So what could be used in Korean cooking instead…? At that moment, a translucent kimchi container caught Suhan’s eye.

“What’s inside this?”

Suhan pulled the heavy container out, and even without opening the lid, a sour smell wafted from it. Ah. After prying open the lid to check the contents, Suhan thought, 

 feeling a sudden spark of inspiration.

“Let me just take this out and have a taste.”

The idea was to make a creamy sauce with mayonnaise and blended onions to top it off… Theoretically, it couldn’t taste bad. But how it would come together in reality remained uncertain. Still, even if things didn’t go perfectly, it wouldn’t be inedible.

Such a thought would have horrified the old Suhan, but that was a thought for later. For now, Suhan focused on working swiftly. Meanwhile, Suhan casually asked the older woman to help with the parts they couldn’t manage.

“Sorry, but I’m terrible at cutting things thinly. Could you clean this and dice it into small square pieces about this size? Just a handful will do.”

“Pardon? Oh, yes… sure.”

The older woman was perplexed by Suhan’s claim of not being able to cut properly. How could someone who once scolded contestants on a cooking survival show for their uneven cuts suddenly claim such an inability? It didn’t make sense, but refusing the help of a renowned expert in the midst of cooking would be unthinkable.

While the woman prepared the ingredients with swift hands, Suhan filled a pot with water, then dropped the thawed seafood into it to boil. Steam began escaping through the small hole in the lid, and as heat spread through the kitchen, Suhan felt an odd sense of familiarity. It was a routine Suhan had gone through countless times after starting to cook dinner with Yeonseo. Yeonseo wasn’t here, but everything Yeonseo had taught Suhan remained, ingrained in every gesture. Though still clumsy, none of it was forgotten.

A while later, after washing hands in the bathroom, Suhan returned to the living room, where Yeonseo’s aunt greeted him with a curious smile.

“Was the bathroom hard to find? It should have been easy to spot.”

It was clear even to a child what she was implying—was she asking what Suhan had been doing for so long or simply being polite? Suhan shrugged nonchalantly.

“I got a call for work. There was something I needed to check, so I took some time to handle it.”

Yeonseo looked up at Suhan with anxious eyes, but Suhan gently squeezed her hand. There was no need to mention helping the housekeeper. It was partly out of consideration for the struggling woman, but more importantly, Suhan knew he wasn’t a particularly welcome guest in this house. Mentioning that he had been wandering around the kitchen giving orders to the help could very well stir unnecessary displeasure. There was no reason to test that theory, so Suhan kept quiet.

Since the main dish hadn’t finished steaming yet, Suhan wouldn’t be able to taste the final product, but the plan was to put on a little performance. As the self-proclaimed authority on all things culinary, Suhan intended to gush about how the dish was a perfect combination of flavors, praising it before anyone else had the chance to object.

Even though others at the table might have experienced fine dining, only Suhan had the professional background and training to back it up. And if anyone found the dish unusual, Suhan could always claim, “That’s how it’s done in Europe,” and spin tales of the forgotten days spent studying abroad, leaving no room for doubt. There’d be no way to verify anything, after all. The sauce was delicious anyway, and that was enough. Now, all that remained was to wait for the right moment.

“Oh dear, you’re still unwell and unable to return to work, yet you’re overexerting yourself. You should take it easy on days like this.”

Despite the obviously sarcastic tone, Suhan responded with an appropriate smile. Moments later, Yeonseo’s parents arrived, followed by Juno, who entered the living room with a rather displeased expression.

“Long time no see. How have you been?”

Without changing his expression in the slightest, Suhan casually greeted Juno, who froze for a moment before forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I’ve been well, thanks to your concern.”

“Glad to hear that. I’ve been watching a lot of accident footage from my dashcam lately. So many videos get uploaded on YouTube. Watching them makes me think, ‘My accident must have been like that too.’ These days, with sudden acceleration, slippery roads, and brake failures, there are so many cars on the road that accidents just never stop happening. You really have to be careful.”

Suhan, in the flow of things, added a few more words, watching as Juno’s expression finally crumbled. Truly, Suhan had a remarkable talent for piercing people with just his words.

Whether Juno interpreted Suhan’s remark as 

 or 

 was unclear, but it was obvious that Juno had been rattled.

“Why are you saying such things to someone who just drove all the way here? Come sit down already. Everyone’s here, so let’s start eating.”

At the sight of Juno’s mother rushing in like a savior to shield her son, Suhan couldn’t help but smirk internally. Clearly, her precious son was important enough to make her anxious over a few casual words. As Suhan leisurely made his way to the dining table, the housekeeper—who had been working alongside him in the kitchen—brought out some appetizers designed to whet the appetite.

 Suhan thought, glancing at the various dishes being swapped in and out from across the table. Finally, a beef dish inspired by galbijjim (braised short ribs) and the lobster dish Suhan had helped prepare were set on the table. The lobster, now transformed into bite-sized balls topped with creamy sauce, looked far from its original, elegant form, prompting Juno’s mother to prepare a scolding remark about what had been done to the lobster. But before she could speak, Suhan chimed in.

“Oh, is this crab meat or perhaps crawfish?”

With an enthusiastic expression, Suhan’s question disrupted her timing, and she glanced at Suhan before glaring at the housekeeper. Avoiding her gaze, the housekeeper cautiously responded.

“It’s lobster… the meat has been shredded, and we added a creamy onion sauce on top for a softer taste.”

“Ah, that’s good. The rich flavor of the meat is preserved, and the sauce keeps it from being too greasy.”

Suhan’s smooth delivery made it seem like a comedy routine. Without hesitation, Suhan picked up his chopsticks, cut a piece of his portion, and popped it into his mouth, immediately praising it before anyone else could react.

“Hmm, it’s slightly tangy inside. It seems like it’s from the radish family… Ah, is it 

 (young radish)?”

The performance was so convincing that the housekeeper, who had been nervous until then, nodded with admiration, thinking, 

“There was some sour kimchi on hand, so I mixed it in.”

“Excellent. In foreign cuisine, they often use firm and crunchy ingredients to maintain texture in dishes like this.”

Suhan effortlessly spun more tales on the spot, and moments later, Yeonseo’s mother burst out laughing.

“Now, now, let’s stop talking about work at the table. You’ve praised it so much that I’m curious now—just how good is it?”

“Right? Suhan usually isn’t this talkative at the dinner table, but here he is giving compliments.”

Thankfully, Suhan’s educated guess had hit the mark. Juno’s mother, who had been ready to criticize, could only bite her lip in frustration, unable to say a word. Suhan met her gaze with a subtle smile.

“Does it suit your taste?”

Suhan asked, and although it was a perfectly ordinary question, it seemed to come off as teasing, judging by Juno’s mother’s less-than-pleased expression as she replied.

“Well, it’s not bad.”

“It’s not just ‘not bad’; it’s delicious. Of course, taste is always subjective, though.”

Suhan’s leisurely voice responded without yielding an inch, and the subtle tension in the air was palpable to everyone.

“You took a break due to illness, and now it seems your personality has grown quite sly during that time, hasn’t it?”

She had no idea why, but her words were laden with an edge. Suhan, however, casually gave the same response he had given to her son.

“People change naturally. Various incidents in life can serve as turning points.”

Sensing the oddly tense atmosphere, Yeonseo tugged lightly at Suhan’s sleeve under the table. 

 Suhan feigned ignorance, smiled lightly, and continued chewing his main dish.

* * *

After a while, when the meal was finished and the housekeeper brought out some simple refreshments, the conversation shifted to the usual chatter among relatives, much like any other family gathering. On Yeonseo’s father’s side, he only had one older brother, but on his grandparents’ side, there were still a few siblings around, though they weren’t particularly close.

“Come to think of it, isn’t Hyein getting ready for college soon?”

“She’s been doing well with her studies, so she’ll figure it out. Don’t bring it up unless she mentions it first.”

“These days, kids are so sensitive, I was already planning to wait before asking.”

As the conversation meandered on, Suhan could only think about how much he wanted to rest. Lately, he’d been feeling increasingly tired. With more activities on his plate, it was probably only natural, but despite all the physical work, it seemed his stamina wasn’t keeping up. 

 In the end, Suhan couldn’t hold back a big yawn, turning his head and covering his mouth with his hand. Juno’s mother, who had been watching him closely, spoke up.

“You look very tired. There are plenty of guest rooms. If you’re worn out, stay the night and don’t force yourself to drive home, especially if you’re not feeling well.”

Was she purposely trying to make Suhan more uncomfortable by suggesting he stay? Suhan had no intention of accepting the offer, but to his dismay, Yeonseo’s father chimed in without a clue.

“In that case, why don’t we all stay the night and leave tomorrow? It’s nice to have such a cozy gathering—it feels like a real holiday.”

 Suhan thought, subtly tapping the toe of Yeonseo’s shoe with his own, hoping Yeonseo would talk them out of it. Though Yeonseo tried to smooth things over, it didn’t work.

“We don’t live that far away, so we’ll get going soon. I don’t want to cause any trouble by overstaying.”

Maybe it was the wrong excuse, or perhaps they should have skipped the gathering altogether. Yeonseo’s mother smiled brightly as she replied.

“You’ll just work when you get home, won’t you? Don’t. Take a proper rest today. Everyone needs days to clear their mind, especially when you’re overworking yourself more than anyone else.”

 Suhan managed to keep his face from showing how defeated he felt, but it was already too late. Before he knew it, he and Yeonseo were being shown to a guest room where they could sleep.

“Rest well then. We’ll wake you up in the morning, so don’t worry about setting an alarm.”

 Suhan sighed internally, but it was a lost cause now. Yeonseo, noticing his frustration, apologized softly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think they’d insist on keeping us here just to make sure you don’t work…”

Yeonseo looked so guilty, so full of regret, that Suhan couldn’t help but feel a little better, letting out a quiet laugh.

“Don’t say sorry. If you really feel bad, how are you going to make it up to me?”

Suhan asked teasingly, watching as Yeonseo’s face flushed with embarrassment. 

“Uh… If there’s anything you want, just say it…”

“Whatever I ask for, you’d do it for me anyway, right? Even if we weren’t in this situation.”

Yeonseo couldn’t argue with that, because it was true. Whatever Suhan wanted, Yeonseo would willingly place at his feet. If asked why he would put himself in such a submissive position, there was only one answer: love. He just wanted Suhan to be happy, and no matter what he did, he always felt like it wasn’t enough, leaving him with nothing but feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

“Now, what could I ask for that you wouldn’t normally agree to…”

After some thought, Suhan brought up an issue that had already come full circle more than five times.

“Oh, I know. From now on, when no one else is around, call me ‘hyung.’”

“……”

 Suhan was growing increasingly frustrated. Yeonseo never refused requests in bed, yet it wasn’t as if everything reset with the sunrise. Each time, without fail, Yeonseo would stiffen up again and go back to calling him “Suhan-ssi.” Suhan found it maddening. Yeonseo hesitated for a moment, clearly unsure, and as he did, his eyes met Suhan’s, who was staring intently at him, as if studying his every move.

“……”

“So what’s your answer? It’s just a title. How hard can that be to change?”

Just as Yeonseo was about to reluctantly agree to Suhan’s request, they heard footsteps coming up the stairs from below. Suhan’s uncle and aunt were likely in their bedroom, Juno had his room on the first floor, and Yeonseo’s parents were staying in the first-floor guest room. The only reason someone would be coming upstairs now was to see Suhan and Yeonseo.

Their earlier attempts at probing each other during the day hadn’t yielded much information. Both sides had subtly deflected their words, making sure to reveal nothing while gaining little in return. In a situation like this, being subjected to one-on-one questions could result in their cards being revealed with nothing to show for it. The approaching footsteps made both Yeonseo and Suhan tense up. Suhan quickly came up with a scheme.

“Hold on a second, Yeonseo.”

Just as the footsteps reached the door, Suhan buried his face in Yeonseo’s neck and made an exaggerated sound.

“Ah… mm… Yeonseo, there… yes, harder…”

“……!?”

Yeonseo was startled by the suggestive tone vibrating against his neck, but before he could react, Suhan’s hand gently but deliberately gripped the front of Yeonseo’s shirt, and he exhaled hot breath. The familiar yet always thrilling touch made Yeonseo’s body shudder. Suhan leaned in and whispered softly in his ear.

“Make some noise. If they think we’re… busy, they won’t interrupt.”

Yeonseo understood the intent, but it was far too embarrassing. Unable to respond right away, Yeonseo’s face turned a deep shade of red, and he simply opened and closed his mouth in wordless protest. Suhan chuckled softly.

“Oh, do you want to use your mouth for something else?”

 Suhan made sure to be loud enough as he softly sucked on Yeonseo’s throat, creating an audible, wet sound as he drew in a breath.

“Ah… mm… ugh…”

At the same time, his hand actually moved to grasp Yeonseo’s groin, stroking gently. Perhaps it was because Yeonseo had just showered, as they were staying the night against their will. Instead of any discomfort, the combined scents of Yeonseo’s natural musk, his sweet pheromones, and a new shower gel made his skin smell even more enticing.

“Ah…”

When Yeonseo instinctively let out a small gasp, barely audible from outside, Suhan, dissatisfied, playfully bit down on his neck, urging him to be louder.

“Mm.”

 Yeonseo felt dizzy, his mind spinning as he tried to recall what he usually said when they were together like this. After a moment’s hesitation, Yeonseo finally spoke, and Suhan had to suppress a laugh at the words that came out.

“It’s too tight… Could you loosen up a bit?”

The embarrassment of saying just that one line caused Yeonseo’s ears to flush bright red. 

 Suhan cursed internally. 

 he thought, realizing there was no helping his hopeless affection for Yeonseo.