To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

After barely calming his trembling hands, Suhan felt dizzy, as if standing on the edge of a cliff. How much had he bled? Could he have stabbed deeply enough to kill? His heart pounded as he wondered whether he should call 119 to get medical help. But if he reported it? What would happen if the investigation revealed why he had stabbed him? The future felt hopeless. Maybe he could file charges against the guy for attempted assault. But he wasn’t sure if such charges would be effective.The guy had the wealth to hire a flashy defense team and the support of his family, whereas Suhan did not. In the end, Suhan feared that his punishment for excessive self-defense, causing serious injury, might be heavier than the guy’s sentence for attempted assault. Not only would his study abroad, with an impending departure within a week, be completely ruined, but also the life he had been gritting his teeth and waiting for after graduation would collapse.But what if he didn’t report it? The guy probably wouldn’t want to be involved in a scandal, so maybe they both preferred to keep what had happened strictly confidential. They could pretend as if nothing ever happened. Like nothing at all… Suhan imagined his future, tarnished with a record of attempted murder. It didn’t seem much different from the humiliation his father had suffered for a long time. Suhan gripped the steering wheel tightly and clenched his teeth.Would it have been easier on his mind if he had just killed the guy, leaving no options behind? Suhan thought about turning the car around to ruin everything, then slammed his forehead against the steering wheel. Finally, when he reached the absurd conclusion that he should have just endured it once, a surge of emotions burst out.During his time studying in Paris, Suhan received the same feedback from several classmates. They knew he was good, and they knew things would turn out best when he was in the lead. But they also knew he tended to push himself too hard, so no one could give him more than his fair share of work. Suhan felt frustrated by these evaluations, which came not only from his peers but also from professors.Most of the students Suhan met during his time abroad came from wealthy families. After graduation, they would likely use their family backgrounds to open businesses or gain media exposure through promotional articles.Even among students pursuing chef courses, who juggled demanding assistant jobs and academics, Suhan still found their situations enviable. Many study abroad expenses far exceeded the wages students could earn from part-time jobs. So where did their financial security come from? Suhan envied those who could afford rent that was triple his salary and had families to call for support when short on living expenses.He had survived only because he had no choice but to live in such an environment. He had countless things he wanted to say, but none of them had ever escaped his mouth.It wasn’t until the bloodstains on his hands had dried into a dark brown that Suhan calmed his wildly beating heart and restarted the car. He drove to the nearest public restroom, where he silently washed off the bloodstains, including the marks on the steering wheel and car seat.As he poured disinfectant over the wounds left from gripping the broken shards so tightly, a sharp pain spread along the scars, burning like fire. He wasn’t sure how long he had wandered, but by then, it was already dawn. The rain stopped just as the sun was about to rise. With the rain finally gone, Suhan was able to fall asleep.A few hours later, Suhan awoke, swallowed a handful of suppressants and pheromone desensitization pills, and headed back to the villa. There was no sign of anyone there. The guest room, which he hurriedly checked, was clean and orderly, as if nothing had ever happened. The broken lamp was gone, and there was no trace of the shattered vase.A chill ran down his spine. Could someone be watching him from somewhere? Perhaps the events of the previous night had been a hallucination caused by the side effects of the suppressants? He wanted to believe that he had only imagined his worst fears, but the vivid marks on his palm kept him grounded in reality.‘Ah.’Just as Suhan lowered his gaze in disbelief, a tiny gleam caught his eye beneath a freestanding wardrobe. It seemed something had slipped into the small gap when he had thrown it onto the floor. Moving the wardrobe, which was firmly fixed to the wall, would require too much effort. Maybe they didn’t think anything had fallen in there, or maybe they didn’t check. The stark bloodstains on the white surface were the only hidden trace of what had happened last night. It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t…In a daze, Suhan collapsed into the spotless room. At that moment, his phone rang, and with clenched teeth, he answered a call from Yeonseo’s parents.‘Hey, Suhan. What should we do? A big typhoon is supposed to hit this weekend, so Yeonseo’s flight might be canceled. Fortunately, there’s an available flight today, so we’ve decided to send him off now. It’s a shame, but we won’t be able to gather together. We’ll try to plan something next time.’What an easy life it must be. To commit a crime that ordinary people would have to pay for, only to rely on his parents to take care of everything.‘Yeonseo really wanted to see you…’Finally, Suhan couldn’t hold back any longer. His tightly clenched fists, with nails digging into his palms, relaxed as tears began to fall.‘…Yes, I understand. It’s a real shame.’After barely finishing the call, Suhan felt all the strength drain from his body. He didn’t leave the hotel until his flight. When he imagined walking outside, he feared people would stare at him, like they would at his father, as if he were an attempted murderer who might snap at any moment. He knew it was paranoia, but he needed to hide to survive.Suhan fled to Paris without even informing the couple. After that day, he never returned to Korea until he graduated. From that day on, Suhan had to take pheromone suppressants daily just to endure.He needed to confirm with measurable certainty that his traits didn’t affect or influence anyone. He wasn’t sure how the suppressants worked, but taking them became an essential part of his routine for mental stability. Every morning, before heading to work, Suhan would spray his entire body with pheromone-neutralizing mist and take suppressants so that no one around him would realize he was a phenotype bearer.As time passed, Suhan graduated as planned and joined Seosang Group, where he secured his place as a rising talent in the company’s headquarters.‘Have we met before?’The first boss he served, who happened to be Yeonseo’s cousin, made that nonsensical remark. Suhan inwardly sneered at him as if he were looking at a madman and replied:‘I don’t think so. This is the first time I’ve met you.’The man let out a sneaky, relieved smile at Suhan’s indifferent response.* * *“How long did I sleep…”When Suhan blinked awake, the living room was pitch black with no lights on. He felt unusually sluggish compared to before he fell asleep. At some point, he had curled up on the couch under a blanket Yeonseo had draped over him. Suhan turned to see Yeonseo, who was sound asleep beside him, breathing softly, and without realizing it, a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.“So carefree…”But it was Suhan who had dozed off first, not in a bed, so he couldn’t complain. Suhan gently poked Yeonseo’s warm cheek, which had slightly reddened from sleep. For some reason, he had a lingering sense of unease from a disjointed, eerie dream, though he could only recall fragmented scenes.Some of the nightmare overlapped with the one he had at the villa, mixed with memories of his time studying abroad in Paris. He couldn’t quite piece together what had happened but only saw glimpses of his past self, with fleeting images of a stern, motherly figure taking him out for a meal when he was a child.Suhan knew that these fragments hinted at what he had gone through in the past, but full clarity remained elusive, leaving him confused. After making sure Yeonseo was resting comfortably against his shoulder, Suhan quietly sorted through the clues he had about that incident.The culprit behind the incident at the villa was not Yeonseo. It was true that the next time Suhan met Yeonseo after their childhood was at the company. This meant the last time they were together was likely during their middle school years. Was it really plausible for a grudge from that time to last until adulthood? Suhan could vaguely guess why there had been no report to the authorities, either then or now. It seemed they both decided it was better to let bygones be bygones.“……”Suhan rested his head in his hands, letting out a long sigh. Honestly, from any perspective, whether objectively or subjectively, Suhan was far from being a good person. He was calculating, selfish, and filled with self-pity, feeling like the unluckiest and most troubled person in the world, with no regard for others. Suhan could understand why he had been pushed to such extremes. But was living that way truly happy? He didn’t know. The more he reflected on his past, the more he realized how lonely he had been, and that thought made him uneasy.Perhaps it would have been better to forget everything and live as if he were someone else. If remembering the past only brought feelings of resentment, twisted misunderstandings, and malice toward the world, maybe waking up with no memories was a chance to start anew. Suhan wondered if continually digging into the fragments of his memories was really in his best interest.“……”While Suhan was lost in thought, Yeonseo, who had been leaning his head against Suhan’s shoulder, flinched, his eyelids twitching. Startled, Yeonseo quickly tried to move away. Suhan barely suppressed a laugh, gently wrapping an arm around Yeonseo’s waist and pulling him close. The warmth between them was comforting, almost enough to make Suhan’s heart flutter. It seemed Yeonseo’s body temperature had risen from dozing off, like a puppy nodding off.How could anyone have such a terrifying misunderstanding about someone so adorable? Suhan knew, of course, that under the circumstances, the first person he’d suspect was Yeonseo. Given the situation, it was unavoidable. Still, legally speaking, was it fair to harbor such suspicions against his own spouse, especially when Yeonseo had tried to run from him in the first place? Suhan chuckled, shaking his head. If only things had cleared up during their first night together, they wouldn’t have dragged out the misunderstanding to this point. It seemed like a series of unfortunate events had compounded one another.“……?”Yeonseo, still somewhat confused, looked up at Suhan with a slightly flustered expression. Suhan smiled softly, soothing him, before pulling him into a gentle embrace. As Suhan listened to the steady thumping of Yeonseo’s heart, a memory of something Junho had said at a family gathering surfaced.‘How could you two…?’Junho had only been speculating, but could it be that he already knew about Suhan’s misunderstanding of Yeonseo? Suhan needed to confirm two things: first, when exactly the incident had occurred, and second, whether Junho had ever been to the villa before. Suhan had worked with Junho for several years, longer than he had with Yeonseo. Who knew what kind of conversations they’d had during that time or how much they had revealed to each other? The uncertainty left Suhan feeling anxious.The way Junho had trailed off in his words suggested he knew about some irrevocable misunderstanding or event between Suhan and Yeonseo, yet Suhan hadn’t realized Junho was aware of it. If Suhan had known, he would’ve mocked and teased Junho from the start. So, the real question was how Junho had come to know about it.While Suhan was deep in thought, his brow furrowed, Yeonseo blinked up at him with concern. Seeing the worry in Yeonseo’s expression, Suhan softened his features and patted Yeonseo’s shoulder to reassure him.“Shall we head to bed? I’m unusually tired today, even though I didn’t do much.”“If you’re not feeling well, maybe we should go to the hospital…”“No, it’s not that bad.”The worried look on Yeonseo’s face showed he was anxious that Suhan might have remembered something after his last hospital visit. But at least the biggest misunderstanding had been cleared up, right? Trying to stay positive, Suhan led Yeonseo toward their bedroom.By now, the bedroom had become a shared space, with both of their belongings scattered about. There were two pillows, two chargers, Suhan’s sleep mask, and even a heating pad for lingering injuries. When Suhan first moved in, the room had been barren, but now, seeing his things there made him feel good. It truly felt like a sweet honeymoon. Suhan understood why Yeonseo feared he might remember his past; they wouldn’t want to ruin this peaceful, happy time.Perhaps it would be best to let go of the things that the old Suhan had been so obsessed with and continue living happily like this. Whether he worked or not, Suhan had enough wealth to live comfortably for the rest of his life, as long as he didn’t start any risky ventures or develop a gambling addiction.The temptation to give in to this comfortable life was strong, but he couldn’t shake the lingering unease. Ignoring an unhealed wound and covering it up would only lead to infection. Suhan knew that the happiness he was trying to maintain couldn’t last forever if he didn’t face the truth. So…He couldn’t turn a blind eye to it. At the very least, he, of all people, couldn’t leave the thorny, unloved Lee Suhan abandoned and forgotten.‘Getting sentimental over nothing…’Suhan clicked his tongue softly, closed his eyes, and fell asleep beside Yeonseo.* * *The next morning, Suhan had his fill with the breakfast Yeonseo had prepared for him, received a message from Yeonseo confirming his safe arrival at work, and hailed a taxi with a smile. There was only one person Suhan could think of who might know more about his past, so he bought a fruit basket and headed to the hospital where his mother’s acquaintance was staying.“Ah, you’re asking about that patient? One moment.”The desk clerk made a call before replying with a somewhat awkward expression.“She’s out with her family today. You didn’t call ahead?”All Suhan knew was her name and bank account number. He should’ve gotten her phone number yesterday. As regret washed over him…“Oh, Suhan! It’s been a while.”A woman holding a cup of coffee, likely from the hospital café, greeted him with a smile. Suhan returned the greeting, though he had no idea who she was.“Hello. How have you been?”The woman didn’t seem to notice Suhan’s uncertainty and replied casually.“Oh, same as always. You look much better! Are you still taking your meds?”Meds? Suhan’s ears perked up. Did he have some chronic condition? Despite undergoing extensive tests during his recent hospitalization, nothing had come up. If it wasn’t a physical issue, then… Suhan quickly glanced at the woman’s attire, trying to find clues, but nothing stood out. Could it have been a psychiatric medication? Given how tenacious and stressful his life had been, it wouldn’t be surprising if he’d been prescribed something like sleeping pills. With a smile, Suhan answered.“Ah, I just stopped by for a consultation. I’ll go ahead and check in.”Suhan discreetly checked the woman’s name badge and, as soon as she walked away, searched the hospital’s website for her name. Her department was… internal medicine? He marked his visit as a consultation and went upstairs, using all his acting skills to feign familiarity as he received the medication.The prescription, though somewhat anticipated, still surprised him.<Suppresses response to pheromones by keeping receptors in a calm state.><Reduces reactivity to external stimuli and pheromones.><Inhibits pheromone secretion to prevent secondary manifestations.>The fine print on the prescription bag described medications designed to block Suhan’s body from functioning as an omega.Holding a pill he wouldn’t even take, Suhan returned home, deep in thought the entire way. It felt like if he could confirm just one thing, he would have complete certainty. The moment he stepped into the house, Yeonseo, whom he met at just the right time, couldn’t hide his exhaustion for a brief moment. But as soon as their eyes met, Yeonseo’s lips gently curled into a smile. It was always a pleasant feeling when such a beautiful person, as delicate as a wildflower that might wither at the slightest touch, smiled only for him.“Yeonseo, I know this might sound a little strange…”Suhan carefully began speaking after finishing his meal.“Could you check something for me at the office?”Yeonseo didn’t refuse the discreet request.* * *It didn’t take long for Suhan to get another opportunity to approach Juno. Just as he had suspected something was being hidden, it was clear that Juno, too, was being cautious, bracing himself for Suhan’s next move.“If it makes you uncomfortable, I can explain it to my parents and decline.”Suhan was considering how to create a chance to meet face-to-face with Juno, even planning to use various excuses. This worked out well, so he shook his head immediately in response.“No, I was actually thinking of seeing him again anyway. If I avoid it, it’ll just look more suspicious. Did they set the date and inform you?”“No, they asked me to pick a convenient weekend since we have our own schedule.”“Hmm… Can I get back to you sometime next week or the week after?”Suhan picked up the calendar he shared with Yeonseo from the living room table to check their schedule. Even in this age of advanced apps, Suhan enjoyed the old-fashioned way of writing directly on paper. It felt good to appreciate his body, which could still function perfectly despite the trauma he had gone through. The calendar in the living room was filled with notes in both their handwriting, used not only for sharing schedules but also for personal reminders.The business presentation Suhan and Yeonseo had been preparing together was now less than a month away. Not only were the investors expected, but they were also inviting journalists and food columnists. Although the event was just to introduce the basic direction and some simple ideas for future projects at Seosang, being the leading company in the industry, it wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Furthermore, attention was heightened because the team was temporarily short-staffed, adding to the public’s interest.Even though they couldn’t present a fully detailed business plan, they needed to show something impressive enough for experts. Because of this, Suhan was poring over everything from financial reports to the latest product launches of competitors, as well as textbooks and the latest papers related to the food industry, as if he were going to work.Reading through over a hundred pages of introductory textbooks was tedious but useful. Basic knowledge about ingredient combinations or cooking techniques had completely vanished from Suhan’s mind, as if wiped clean. As he gradually filled these gaps, he started to understand the data he had previously compiled. What used to just be something he memorized, he now grasped the reasons behind, and it was quite intriguing. In some ways, Suhan also felt like he was learning more about himself.Seosang, though originally known as a food importer, had expanded aggressively into logistics and entertainment through mergers and acquisitions, firmly establishing itself in those fields by the time Suhan entered the workforce. It might have even seemed more promising to enter one of these other divisions instead of the food and beverage sector, which Seosang was now ready to let go of, no longer holding the number one spot in the industry.Yet, perhaps the fact that Suhan had chosen to dive into food and beverage—one of the few choices his past self had made—held some significance.People who believe they are the most unfortunate in the world often become quick to judge others harshly. This is especially true if they enjoy a high social status and are convinced that their achievements are solely the result of their own efforts. They may think, “I worked so hard in these circumstances to achieve this, while others, with much easier lives, complain and can’t even do their jobs properly.” This often leads to an obsession with pointing out others’ flaws.Reflecting on this, Suhan thought he now had a clearer understanding of his former self. His life had likely been extremely lonely, isolated in his unhappiness, trusting no one, and always on edge, walking as though on the brink of a cliff. Now, whether his current position was temporary or permanent, he had things to do as the one now burdened with the life of “Trash Lee Suhan.”Even if Suhan were to lose all his memories again and become someone else entirely, like before, he needed to make sure he could never return to his old self. For that, he had to keep moving forward.“Next week might be a little too soon, so let’s go with the week after. Does that work for you?”Yeonseo blinked for a moment at Suhan’s question before nodding. Suhan’s gaze was drawn to the gentle flutter of his delicate eyelids as they closed and opened. No matter how frustrating Yeonseo could be, it was impossible to stay mad at him, thanks to his looks. As Suhan stared intently at Yeonseo’s face, lost in thought, Yeonseo’s cheeks flushed, and he began to shyly retreat toward the side of the sofa. It was amusing how someone with such a beautiful face, a face that could easily be filled with pride, still got embarrassed so easily.“Honestly, you…”Suhan, sensing that Yeonseo would get upset again if he said what he was thinking, gently kissed his flushed lips instead of uttering words that didn’t need to be said. The conclusion was simple, but Suhan’s mind was still tangled in complex thoughts. Hearing the results of what he had asked Yeonseo to find out had only brought a new problem to light.‘About what you asked earlier, there are a few long-term employees who were around when Suhan started, but there aren’t many Omegas or Alphas among them.’So, the conclusion was that they didn’t know? Suhan nervously glanced up at Yeonseo, but Yeonseo provided him with crucial information.‘At that time, it seems Juno was really good at controlling his pheromones. Apparently, it was out of consideration for the newly hired Omega… But for someone to suppress their pheromones so well that even other Alphas didn’t notice, there must have been a specific reason behind it, don’t you think?’When Suhan checked the previous medical records, Juno had started taking medication when he briefly returned to Korea during his studies abroad. Before that, he had managed his condition similarly to other Omegas, but it seemed that after that point, he began to loathe his own nature, changing medications several times to suppress his pheromones.If Juno had been hiding his pheromones, not out of consideration for a new Omega hire, but because he absolutely didn’t want Suhan to detect them, the puzzle pieces were starting to fit together. Juno, an insider with easy access to the Seosang villa, a young Alpha with suspicious behavior—if Juno were the culprit, his unsettling remarks and anxious appearance made sense.But then a whole new set of issues arose. Juno remembered every detail of the incident, and Suhan did not. Revealing the truth and holding him accountable with Suhan’s fragmented, chaotic memories seemed almost impossible. Even if Suhan were to strip Juno bare in front of everyone to show the scar on his abdomen, it wouldn’t prove that Juno had tried to force himself on Suhan. Without concrete evidence from the time, there would be no legal way to punish him.However, socially and within the family, ruining Juno might still be possible. To achieve that, Suhan needed to dig deeper into Juno. A confession would make things much simpler.‘So, what I need to do now is…’Even if Lee Suhan’s memories after the accident disappeared, Suhan still had to make sure that both he and Yeonseo could reconcile, while also handling the overwhelming tasks related to the company and Juno.‘Still, what choice do I have? I have to protect this beautiful idiot, no matter what.’Suppressing a childish laugh, Suhan casually unbuttoned Yeonseo’s shirt, letting his hand slide over the bare skin beneath. He wanted to mark him, teasingly sucking in the sensitive skin that tensed under his touch. The way Yeonseo’s waist wriggled shyly made Suhan grin.He wouldn’t give up his current happiness to his former self.