To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

There is a memory that brings nothing but nausea. Like being submerged in the middle of the sea, body tossed back and forth, someone holding onto him, and him thrashing about to free himself from their grip. Just let him die instead. That would be better. That would be preferable. He barely manages to swallow the breath lodged in his throat, flailing against the stinging seawater seeping into his nose, only to find himself dragged back to shore, unable to escape no matter what he does. Suhan cursed inwardly as he shook off the all-too-familiar, sickening sensation and collected his thoughts.“What the hell….”His whole body throbbed, as if it had been beaten, and he felt a weight pinning him down, as though bound to the bed. Where was he now? The unfamiliar scent and feel of the bedding were disorienting. As Suhan furrowed his brows and strained to lift his eyelids, a nurse organizing an empty IV bag right in front of him jumped in surprise.“Oh my, you’ve woken up sooner than expected? Your guardian will be here shortly, so please wait on the bed for a bit. They’re almost here.”A guardian? For a moment, Suhan thought he’d misheard and doubted his ears. Why would he have a guardian? He briefly wondered if the company had been notified, but then he noticed the ring glinting on his left hand and flinched, startled by the sight of it on his own finger. Why am I even wearing this? He slowly traced back to his last memories.He had gotten into his car in a huff, started the engine, ignored the early storm warning blaring on his phone, and sped down the rainy road. Following the navigation system’s detour, he stepped on the accelerator as he neared his destination, but at some point, the brakes stopped working. Soon he was approaching a sharp turn, and in a split-second decision, he let go of the accelerator and tried to drift through the curve, but it wasn’t enough to stop the inertia. The sound of scraping against rocks and snapping branches from the impact was still vivid.“Gah…!”Looking down at himself in alarm, he noticed only a slight increase in weight and felt no broken bones or cast-worthy injuries. His joints were notably sore, and he had muscle aches, but it seemed impossible to come out with only minor injuries given how the car rolled. What’s with these clothes, anyway? The brand logo on the shirt sleeve was one he’d heard of but didn’t remember buying.He barely recognized himself in his unfamiliar attire, his hair visibly changed in length, as seen from a passing glance at a nearby window reflection.It was as if he hadn’t just survived an accident but had lost entire chunks of memory—or dropped into a parallel universe where he lived a completely different life. Alarmed, Suhan grabbed the phone on the desk beside him. The model and color differed from his usual one, but the fingerprint recognition unlocked it in less than a second. The date flashed on the screen: February 20. His skin tingled as he realized it was nearly a year past his last memory. It’s February now?For a second, he thought he’d gone back just a month, but after checking the year, he realized it was the year after the accident. He woke up to find almost a year had passed?The reality was so surreal it felt like a dream—but more like a nightmare than a happy one. Then, pushing the lock screen aside to see the main screen, Suhan almost fainted.“What the hell is he doing here…?”A face he knew well but was far from happy to see greeted him with a bright smile on the screen. What happened over the past year? He threw the phone onto the bed in shock and stumbled toward the mirror in the hospital room. His reflection showed a clean face, glossy skin, and a look that suggested he’d been living comfortably—well-fed and stress-free. Yet it felt foreign.“What… on earth…”Suhan, horrified, wanted to check the season or see if this was a dream or hallucination and tried to rush out of the hospital room. But as he opened the sliding door, he took a step back in shock at the face that greeted him.“Sorry I’m late…! There was some traffic on the way….”The familiar face looked troubled, apologizing to Suhan with a sorrowful expression.“Are you feeling okay? The doctor on my way here said it was just a mild concussion, so you’ll likely be discharged soon….”Then, extending a hand toward Suhan’s forehead as if to check his temperature, he instinctively swatted it away.“……?”Yeonseo, who looked completely unprepared for Suhan’s rejection, seemed taken aback, staring at him with a puzzled expression, while Suhan stared back in equal shock. Yeonseo’s face darkened.“Hyung…?”The hint of fear in Yeonseo’s voice made Suhan nauseous, causing him to back away. Then, a searing headache struck, and he staggered, unable to hold himself up. Yeonseo quickly reached out, supporting him by the wrist.At the feel of Yeonseo’s soft hand gripping his wrist, unfamiliar scenes suddenly flashed through Suhan’s mind.“Hah… Yes, there…”He saw himself, stripped bare, grinding his hips against someone beneath him, barely suppressing his moans. Another pair of hands eagerly roamed his body, gripping his firm chest, their fingers digging into his skin, as he let out a shameless sound.“Yes… there, yes… inside, inside…”It was undeniably his own voice, yet he’d never uttered such crude, degrading words. Why was this absurd scene running through his mind? Amid his confusion, he heard someone’s moan-filled voice in his ear.“Hah… Suhan, hyung… I love you, hyung…”At that moment, unable to bear the revulsion, Suhan snarled at Yeonseo, shaking off his hand with disgust.“Don’t touch me.”It would have been better if all of this were just a nightmare.* * *“Well, all the tests are normal, so you should be able to go home. As before, you might feel a bit disoriented for a while, but you’ll gradually adjust and feel better. No need to worry too much.”Suhan felt anger rise at the doctor’s unbothered tone. If you were in my situation, would you be so calm? After waking up almost a year after a major accident to find your worst nightmare clinging to you as a ‘guardian,’ would anyone take this in stride?The sheer thought of the person he disliked the most sticking around and pretending to be some sort of loving partner made his skin crawl.“What exactly do you mean by ‘adjust’?”When Suhan’s voice came out slightly irritated, the doctor blinked in surprise but answered without hesitation.“Memory gaps are common when memories return after a major accident. Some memories might never come back, but most people recover gradually within the limits of what the brain can manage.”In other words, time would make it easier.“So you’re saying I’ll eventually remember everything?”When Suhan impatiently pressed for a direct answer, the doctor nodded.“That’s our best guess.”Not “that will happen” but “our best guess.” A noncommittal answer meant to avoid responsibility, which made Suhan frown.“So, you can’t guarantee it?”The doctor shrugged.“Well, amnesia is partly a neurological issue, but psychological factors have the biggest impact. So, try not to rush and focus on resting—for the sake of the child.”Suhan felt as if he’d been struck over the head. What was he talking about? A child? Staring at Yeonseo in disbelief, Suhan saw him lower his head as if he couldn’t defend himself. So, this weight he’d been feeling, and the slight belly weight where his abs used to be, wasn’t just from lying around doing nothing but because…Lost in an impossible thought, Suhan, looking horrified, asked in disbelief, “Wait, a child… are you saying I’m… pregnant?”Instead of answering, the doctor gave a slight nod toward Suhan’s bag, which Yeonseo was holding. Attached to the bag’s handle was an unmistakably bright pink tag.“Are you out of your mind?!”With speed faster than light, Suhan grabbed the bag and yanked off the tag, breaking the dog tag chain that dangled in his palm. Just then, a nurse knocked lightly and entered the examination room, glancing between Suhan and the doctor before speaking.“Doctor, the next patient has a schedule and can’t wait any longer.”As if waiting for this, the doctor turned to Suhan.“I understand that this is confusing, but there are quite a few patients waiting. Would you mind moving to another space if possible?”Although Suhan was hardly the kind to throw a tantrum in a doctor’s office, he rose quietly and exited the room. Yeonseo trailed behind him, looking utterly lost.“W-wait a minute…”After Suhan fiercely shook off his hand, Yeonseo couldn’t reach out to stop him, but he also couldn’t simply let him stomp off as if venting his anger. He looked like he was enduring some kind of torture, his face stricken. Not knowing exactly where he was going, Suhan irritably searched for an elevator, and upon seeing that it had just gone down, he clutched his head in frustration.“Ha…”As Suhan stomped in frustration, Yeonseo, who had caught up with him, asked in a pale, trembling voice, “Wh-where are you going?”Suhan was irritated by the changed tone, as if Yeonseo now perceived him as a different person. It felt as though Yeonseo was interacting with someone who looked like him but wasn’t truly him. Suhan himself couldn’t explain why that grated on him.“…Home.”He didn’t want to spend even a second in the same space as Yeonseo, but for now, figuring out what had changed and what had happened was more urgent. A month, or even a year—it was an absurdly long blank in his memory, and the fear of this would be incomprehensible to anyone else. Especially the thought that during that time, he had engaged in things he despised, as if nothing had happened, made it hard not to feel fear.“I’ll drive you. You didn’t bring your car, right?”Suhan struggled to breathe at the thought of riding with Yeonseo, who looked at him as if afraid to his core.“I’ll take a taxi. I don’t want to be in the same car as you.”Just before the accident, he’d been torn about how to deal with Yeonseo if what he had once believed turned out to be true. But to think Yeonseo had so brazenly taken advantage of him when he’d lost his memory, and even led him to believe he was pregnant—it was nauseating.Should he apologize for the misunderstanding, or act like nothing had happened since he hadn’t been aware anyway? Suhan’s struggles and torn feelings now felt laughable. Yeonseo had been a hypocrite, exploiting his memory loss.“…Then I’ll at least take you to the taxi stand.”Suhan looked at Yeonseo sharply, making him hesitate and step back before suggesting in a nervous tone. Sighing, Suhan decided against snapping at him and simply followed as Yeonseo led him to the nearby taxi stand.“There’s a parking lot connected to the taxi stand on the second floor. It’ll be faster that way.”As they waited in silence for the elevator, Yeonseo kept his distance from Suhan, leading him all the way to the taxi stand. It felt like a somber procession, as if he were trailing behind a mourner carrying a funeral photo, which only irritated Suhan further.“I’ll head out soon too… The door code hasn’t changed, so you can use the same code to get in.”Even after all of this, he had to face Yeonseo again at home? Suhan frowned, climbed into the taxi without a word, and closed the door. Sensing something off, the taxi driver asked, “Your friend’s not getting in with you?”Suhan answered curtly, barely containing his irritation. “No. Let’s go if you’ve set the navigation.”Despite his effort to keep his tone even, the driver gave a shrug and pulled out of the parking lot. Perhaps because he was a professional, the driver’s pace was quick, so Suhan reached home before Yeonseo. He went straight to his room, flinging the door open. The room seemed clean enough, but seeing the summer sheets still on the bed suggested he hadn’t slept here in a while; otherwise, he would have changed to a warmer set.He opened the door to the master bedroom on a whim. Sure enough, it looked like a shared space: two sets of bedding and chargers, a laptop, and a sleep mask—all items suggesting a harmonious, shared life as if they had been enjoying a blissful newlywed period. Suhan’s stomach turned, feeling as if he were intruding on a happily married couple.But the worst part was a large, almost life-sized photo hanging in the hallway leading to the dressing room. It was a vibrant summer photo of himself and Yeonseo smiling radiantly. It wasn’t an awkwardly posed photo, but one that captured a genuinely joyful moment, and it felt surreal to think that the smiling person in the photo was actually him.“…….”Could he even make that kind of expression? He felt like an imposter in his own life, as if someone else had been living in his body. He felt like he was encroaching on a happy couple’s life. Just as Suhan subconsciously stepped back from the photo…Beep beep.The door code chimed, and Yeonseo walked in, his face pale. Looking around the living room, Yeonseo spotted Suhan in the master bedroom. Suhan fixed him with a cold stare, not saying a word.“…The bathroom in the living room has a new toothbrush, toothpaste, and other supplies if you want to use those.”Is that all he had to say? Suhan laughed in disbelief. Still silent, he continued to glare at Yeonseo, who added timidly, “I also kept your old room clean, so you can use it if you change the bedding…”Suhan felt infuriated by Yeonseo’s response. Did he enjoy playing house with a man who couldn’t remember anything? He knew full well how shocked Suhan would be when he regained his memory, and yet he’d still taken advantage of the situation. Instead of acting like a despicable third-rate villain, he was tiptoeing around as if he didn’t want to upset Suhan, which only made him feel more disgusted.He stopped himself from angrily running a hand through his hair, instead focusing on figuring out what to do from now on.“What happened with my job? Just before the accident, I was agonizing over a scouting offer…”They’d said he hadn’t remembered anything immediately after the accident. Rather than deftly handling complicated situations, he’d probably only caused trouble. Suhan looked at the smug face in the photo and felt a surge of anger as he wanted to punch it, even though it was his own. He then turned to Yeonseo.“Let’s talk.”Without looking directly at him, Suhan went to the living room, settling on the sofa with an air of command. Crossing one leg over the other and looking down at Yeonseo, he spoke with a cold authority.“Tell me everything that happened while I was gone. Then I’ll decide how to deal with it.”Yeonseo stood nervously in front of Suhan, whose intimidating demeanor made him feel small. He felt frustrated with himself, knowing that he had once endured even icier atmospheres when working under Suhan before his accident.“The situation is a bit complicated. Um, so…”“Just give me a brief summary.”“Juno hyung was dismissed from the company and has gone missing.”That was way too brief. Suhan frowned immediately, unable to gather much from the sparse explanation. Since Yeonseo couldn’t be sure how much Suhan remembered, he decided it was better to explain everything step by step.“After the accident last year…”The gist was this: after Suhan lost his memory in the accident and could no longer perform his duties, Juno took advantage of the situation and returned to Korea. He tried to oust Suhan from the company, even going so far as to contact a rival firm, which led to several crimes and corruption allegations surfacing. Now, even the family had distanced themselves from Juno, turning him into a fugitive.Yeonseo wasn’t too surprised, having always expected Juno to make a significant blunder sooner or later. Thinking back on last year’s whirlwind events, one thing continued to puzzle him: he couldn’t understand what Suhan had once found so captivating about Juno. Even with the amnesia, it was hard to believe he could fall for someone just because they provided food, shelter, and comfort. He was sure Juno must have tricked him, pretending they had been a loving couple or using some other scheme. Suhan stared at Yeonseo, as if Yeonseo were guilty of high treason.“Uh, well…”As Yeonseo shifted his gaze awkwardly to avoid Suhan’s intense stare, Suhan grew even more annoyed. Sure, Yeonseo was attractive, but he’d seen plenty of good-looking people over his career in broadcasting. There had to be more to it. He couldn’t shake the suspicion that Juno had pulled some trick. If he’d encountered his former self, that man might have teased him, saying, “Well, the kid’s cute, and you’re so affection-starved that you fell for him in less than a month.” But right now, Lee Suhan, the man who had lived a full 34 years, was here, holding tightly to his memories.“Why?”Suhan shot Yeonseo a piercing look, folding his arms. Yeonseo wriggled in place, unable to meet his gaze, and murmured, “It’s nothing.”There was much he wanted to say but little he could. Suhan was like a hedgehog with his spines up, and he knew that upsetting him further would help no one. What Suhan needed was time to come to terms with the present.“……”Suhan clenched his lips, staring down at Yeonseo, frustrated. What does he even know? Not knowing where to start, Suhan thought he might have been able to accept an apology if Yeonseo had explained that, with his memory gone, he had mistaken him for someone else. But the idea that Yeonseo had not only teased him for over six months but had also led to him getting pregnant was infuriating.Suhan had disliked Yeonseo from the start. No matter how much he lashed out, Yeonseo stubbornly stayed, clinging to him with that innocent face, batting his big eyes. Telling him to get lost only made Suhan feel like the bad guy. And here he was again, looking like a victim, even though it was Suhan who had been deceived.What kind of life had he shared with this guy before losing his memory? Had he, unaware of their separation even as spouses, only felt gratitude for Yeonseo’s dedication?Had he not fallen down those stairs that day, would they still be leading a blissful life, as shown in the photos in the bedroom? Yeonseo’s glum face made it seem like he was grieving the loss of that happiness, as if it had been stolen from him.The thought of it grated on Suhan’s nerves. After all, he had only returned to his rightful place, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling of being an unwelcome guest. He let out a short sigh and tackled the priority at hand.“I’ll be back at work starting tomorrow, so keep that in mind.”Checking out the state of the company might help ease his lingering anxiety. Was everything running smoothly? Or were people just biding their time until he returned? Knowing the answer would help him decide what to do. Yeonseo looked taken aback and tried to protest.“Please don’t push yourself. You’re on leave, and you can still work from home if necessary…”Even though he couldn’t bring himself to say it, Suhan was nearly nine months pregnant, with just two months until the baby was due. While his bump wasn’t too big since he was a male omega, he had sustained a serious head injury. Resuming work would be too much. But Suhan was the kind of person who had to see his plans through, and he had no intention of listening to Yeonseo’s objections.“If you’re mistaking this for a request, I’m not asking if I can return; I’m informing you. And even though you’re the chairman’s son, I’m still your boss.”Yeonseo instinctively flinched, averting his gaze. He recognized this cold, domineering attitude, though he hadn’t seen it in some time.“But you should still be mindful of your health….”His attempt at reasoning fell flat.“I’ll decide if it’s too much for me. Not knowing the company’s state is a bigger source of stress, which is worse for the baby.”It was hard to argue against his logic. Suhan’s tone made it clear that he wouldn’t budge. Realizing he wouldn’t be able to dissuade him, Yeonseo took a different approach.“If you absolutely must go in, then at least let me handle your commute.”At the very least, he could prevent him from working late into the night. Suhan chuckled at the idea, amused at Yeonseo’s attempt at a compromise.“Are you saying I should check in with you about how long I stay at work?”This time, Yeonseo didn’t back down.“In your condition, isn’t that only reasonable?”With the current trend toward flexible work hours, Yeonseo knew pushing this point wouldn’t work, so he kept quiet. Suhan rubbed his forehead as if exasperated, then drew a firm line.“Then we might as well put it in a contract.”Yeonseo tilted his head, confused by this sudden suggestion. Suhan looked entirely serious.“First, respect our separate lives at home. No interfering or breaking our agreement on separate rooms. Second, don’t lay a hand on me. Third…”When he finally said it, Yeonseo’s heart sank.“…once the baby’s born, you’ll handle all aspects of childcare, and you’ll agree to live apart.”Since he couldn’t avoid the child’s involvement, Suhan was saying he’d allow the birth but wouldn’t tolerate any interference.“As long as you accept these three terms, I’ll follow whatever else you ask of me. Think it over.”Left with no choice, Yeonseo nodded.“Never give up on me.”After Suhan’s unilateral negotiation ended, Yeonseo headed alone to the master bedroom, his mind drifting back to Suhan’s old, gentle words. The bedroom, which had once felt full of Suhan’s warmth, now felt oppressively large and empty with just one missing person. If he had known he’d miss that gentle voice this much, he would have recorded every shared moment.As he closed the door with a soft click, the emptiness became overwhelming. The loneliness made it hard to sleep, and he wondered if Suhan was spending a similarly lonely night somewhere else.Lee Suhan was, after all, the most solitary person Yeonseo had ever known.