To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

The uncomfortable cohabitation with Yeonseo was not significantly different from before. In exchange for accepting the three conditions Suhan laid out, Yeonseo added one more—staying in the house at least until the baby was born. Suhan couldn’t immediately understand why Yeonseo insisted on something so similar to his own condition, and looked at him with a doubtful expression.“…Fine.”But he didn’t want to contradict himself, so he simply nodded without further comment. The premise of this temporary cohabitation was that they would each keep to their own space, so Yeonseo continued to live as quietly as possible, just as he had before Suhan lost his memory. However, one clear difference emerged in their daily routine: dinner.For nearly a year, Yeonseo had been responsible for Suhan’s meals. He prepared brunch for Suhan, who would get up late, as well as selected and shopped for dinner ingredients.On his first day back at work, Suhan deliberately stayed in his office until well past 8 p.m., drinking nothing but a single cup of capsule coffee. He didn’t eat simply because he had no appetite.“Um… Director? You don’t have any more appointments today, do you?”A staff member who had been surprised to find the light on in Suhan’s office asked hesitantly. Suhan replied bluntly.“I’ll be returning to work starting today. Details will be in an email soon, so please check it.”The entire department buzzed with surprise at his unexpected early return. After all, it had only been a month since his pregnancy was announced; he was supposed to be nearing full-term, a time to be extra cautious. At most companies, he would be entering maternity leave about now, not suddenly coming back. Employees speculated deeply about the future of the company.“Assistant Manager Cho, is something going on?”Yeonseo, being the only one close enough to ask directly, became the target of these questions. Keeping his face neutral, he replied, “It’s nothing like that. He must have felt cooped up staying at home all the time.”Everyone knew that Suhan wasn’t the type to listen to Yeonseo’s persuasion, so they quickly began guessing at the reasons for his stubborn decision.“Lately, his emails have been surprisingly mild. He was probably trying to tone things down for the baby, but maybe he couldn’t keep it up after all?”By pure chance, Suhan overheard these whispered remarks about him. Although he hadn’t eaten to avoid discomfort, he felt nauseous from overhearing the employees’ gossip. He had gone to a small restroom in a secluded part of the building, only to find it had become a hideaway for employees brushing their teeth at ease, and the words he hadn’t wanted to hear reached him directly.“Seriously, I thought I was in for a lecture, but he praised me instead. Since when does he give feedback with a cushion like that?”It turned his stomach to hear that people preferred how he had behaved while his memory was gone. They said it had been easier to work under him back then. He found it unbearable to be compared to the time he’d merely been killing time, saying what the staff wanted to hear. Returning to his desk, eyes trailed him warily as though he were a ticking time bomb.Suhan was accustomed to being disliked for his blunt honesty; it was part of his role. He didn’t plan to play the “good boss” or “good colleague” by sugarcoating things. In his mind, only those without confidence in their skills or performance would attempt to bolster their worth with soft words. Instead, he believed his value lay in driving profits and meeting client expectations.People may act emotional, but taste is honest. Without external factors discouraging consumption, a product’s or project’s success ultimately comes down to quality. Suhan’s principle was that a ruthless boss who grasped reality was far more beneficial to the company than a nice boss without a clear sense of priorities.Still, he couldn’t ignore comparisons to the memory-lost version of himself. Sitting down with a frown, he skimmed through recent emails in his account and scoffed at the overly polite introductions.Why all this fluff instead of getting to the point? The employee’s honeymoon, wedding anniversary benefits—why on earth had he even cared?“I received the souvenir you sent through Assistant Manager Cho. It paired well with the buttery cookies. Thank you for considering everyone, even those who weren’t in the office during your absence. :)”Why had he written that? If he’d liked the gift so much, he could have simply mentioned it in person. Not only that, he had even sent a condolence gift to an employee who took leave due to a grandparent’s passing—overly considerate.“At first, the change felt overwhelming, but it was nice to feel cared for. It made me want to work harder.”This inefficient people-pleasing was not something he understood. The Suhan who had increased the company’s profits was his former self, not this excessively amiable person.As Suhan went through his work materials, he noticed that, although his earlier drafts contained redundant sections, recent ones bore a startling resemblance to his own style. It was unsettling to think that, in the span of just a few months, his memory-lost self had caught up with nearly a decade’s worth of accumulated experience.If there existed a “Suhan” who was not only popular but also as efficient and capable as himself, the current Suhan—who had let go of any popularity—would naturally be outmatched. A strange sense of impending crisis gnawed at him like déjà vu.“Nngh…”He couldn’t sit still as nausea surged within him again. As Suhan bolted for the bathroom, a flurry of stares trailed him, blending worry and judgment. He thought they were looking at him with contempt, as if silently saying that someone else in his place would have been better.He lost his appetite entirely, and the thought of forcing food down only made his nausea worse. Later, as he finished reviewing his materials and texted Yeonseo to bring the car around, Suhan was already overwhelmed by a feeling of unpleasantness, wanting only to rest. Dinner was the least of his concerns; at least sleep would offer an escape.The next morning, Suhan left for work without breakfast. Ignoring Yeonseo’s worried look, he headed to the office, attempting to eat a sandwich from the company cafeteria at lunch but could only manage half before gagging. Everything he normally ate without issue now repelled him. After about a week of this, the physical toll became impossible to hide, and Yeonseo’s concern deepened.“….”Yeonseo couldn’t forget Suhan’s words: “Don’t ever give up on me. I know it might be hard now, but once I remember, I’ll fall in love with you again.” Remembering these words kept Yeonseo from walking away, despite the harsh treatment he endured.From the fragments of scattered memories, Suhan recalled his own fear of Yeonseo. The fear of not being able to fully accept or reject Yeonseo’s unconditional love haunted him. Suhan firmly believed that if Yeonseo refused to give up, this long and winding journey might finally reach a conclusion.And what Suhan thought he needed was time—to sort out his own feelings and to come to terms with Yeonseo. Would that really work? If Suhan had said this to Yeonseo, doubt would have crept in, but Suhan was confident. Even if he seemed like a different person, fundamentally, he was the same. “I know myself better than anyone.” Yeonseo had no choice but to believe in Suhan’s grand assertion and hope it was true.However, the current situation wasn’t exactly strengthening Yeonseo’s faith. Just watching Suhan while working, mostly through sidelong glances, made that clear enough.“……”Yeonseo had braced himself for criticism but kept bringing even the most trivial reports that didn’t need Suhan’s approval to his desk. Each time, Suhan seemed to grow thinner. Yeonseo wasn’t the only one who noticed; other employees also voiced concern, saying it was unreasonable for someone in the final stages of pregnancy to be working so hard.“No one has seen the Director eat properly since returning to work, have they?”Before going on leave, Suhan would at least bring bakery items from the company cafeteria to eat at his desk. Employees used to whisper that since Suhan managed the cafeteria himself and oversaw seasonal menu changes, it seemed like it must suit his tastes. Yet now, he didn’t even bring his usual sandwich and stayed at his desk through lunch as if he wasn’t eating anything. One employee tried bringing him a meal, only to be turned away with, “Focus on your own work, don’t worry about me.”“It’s not like I want to eat with him either, but he’s starting to look really unwell, so I’m worried.”“Just leave him alone; he’s always been like that, hasn’t he? Didn’t you realize when you joined?”As everyone assumed Suhan must be managing somehow, Suhan himself was starting to reach his limit.“……”When Yeonseo knocked lightly on Suhan’s office glass wall but received no response, he tilted his head. Is he not in there? But he hadn’t seen him leave. Hoping it wasn’t rude, he gently pushed the door open, and there was Suhan, forehead resting on his desk, sound asleep.“…!”Alarmed, Yeonseo hurried over and touched Suhan’s forehead. Thankfully, he had only a slight fever, not enough to worry over. But for someone who wasn’t even eating properly to fall into a sleep so deep he hadn’t noticed someone entering—that was alarming. Suhan’s condition was deteriorating, becoming seriously concerning. Especially given that he wasn’t alone.Even though Suhan was now in the stable stage of pregnancy, Yeonseo couldn’t ignore the toll stress and lack of nutrition were likely taking on both Suhan and the child. Yeonseo grew more anxious by the day.After everything, anyone in the neighborhood would probably have had enough of Suhan. But despite it all, Yeonseo still wanted to stay with him. He feared his selfish desire for Suhan was only making things worse for everyone. Should he leave to make Suhan more comfortable? His heart was torn, constantly struggling with these questions.Is this really the right thing? Was he hurting the current Suhan by holding on to someone who would never return? After much consideration, Yeonseo found himself staring at the kitchen counter.He hadn’t cooked in a while, so he spent a long time clearing out old ingredients and cleaning the fridge. The noise must have been quite loud, but there was no sign of movement from Suhan’s room. Maybe he’d fallen asleep as soon as he got home, like switching off a light. Knowing he might not receive any response, Yeonseo carefully made egg porridge, the same dish he had often prepared when Suhan had been struggling with nausea.Softly cooked eggs blended with the fragrant sesame oil and lightly shredded crab meat to balance a mild savoriness that even someone with no appetite might be tempted to try a spoonful of.“…At least the seasoning turned out well.”Yeonseo wasn’t sure if Suhan would eat it. He set a tray with the bowl of porridge and a spoon by Suhan’s door and knocked softly. There was no answer from within.“Since it seems you haven’t been able to eat, I made it like a thin porridge. Please have some if you can.”Whether Suhan was deliberately ignoring him or truly asleep, the silence remained. Yeonseo turned away, heading back to his own room.And by the next morning, the tray remained untouched, amplifying Yeonseo’s worries.“Hyung, I… don’t know what to do.”“Suhan hyung,” the phrase he had once longed to hear, reminded Yeonseo of the times Suhan had urged him to drop formalities, saying they weren’t strangers on a blind date but a married couple. Now, Yeonseo missed Suhan terribly. He knew that Suhan wasn’t coming back, but he’d let himself hold onto him, pretending they could stay together forever. He wanted to ask Suhan now, as he always used to, for guidance.What should I do if you don’t love me anymore? Should I carry on, raising the child you left behind as proof of those precious moments? Every day, he debated telling Suhan it might be better to live separately rather than suffer like this, but the memory of Suhan’s plea for him not to give up held him back.But what if my not giving up is what’s making you suffer, hyung? The desperate question lingered, but of course, there was no answer.* * *Meanwhile, Suhan, too, was nearing his breaking point. He couldn’t eat a thing. The smell of any food turned his stomach before he could even taste it.The only things he could stomach were decaf coffee, sports drinks, and energy shots, but he knew they weren’t enough to sustain him. He tried slipping away during lunch to one of his old favorite restaurants, places he had once praised in his reviews. But even those dishes—ones he had once considered quintessential Korean cuisine—became revolting after just one bite.Suhan found himself resenting not only himself but the baby as well. Why is this happening? Why reject me like this? Are you rejecting me because I’m not “that person”? Though he knew viewing his former self as a separate person was futile, he couldn’t help feeling confused.Back home, Suhan would often look at his old phone, the one he had before he lost his memory, which Yeonseo had returned to him. He’d said he wouldn’t use it, but curiosity got the better of him. Most of the hundreds, even thousands, of photos in the gallery were of him and Yeonseo.Photos of them traveling all over the country, spending time together and seeming to genuinely enjoy each other’s company, as though they were long-time lovers. Each time he saw another photo of them looking happy and comfortable, Suhan felt a strange sense of dissonance. He and Yeonseo had only been together for a few months. Why did his other self seem to fit so perfectly into that place, which Suhan felt was his own?The more he looked at the gallery, the more he felt like an intruder who had stolen happiness from two people deeply in love. Everything had returned to the way it was supposed to be. Yet that feeling of not belonging made him nauseous, as if something were stuck in his throat, blocking him from eating anything.“……”The only thing that didn’t make him feel sick right away was the now-cold porridge Yeonseo had left at his door. He was briefly tempted to reheat it, but Suhan shook his head, remembering the hurt on Yeonseo’s face when he had laid down his conditions as if they were a farewell.As much as he wanted to laugh it off, to take the food Yeonseo had made, he couldn’t allow himself.And that afternoon, Suhan left the office early, packed his laptop and the documents he needed to review into his bag, and sent Yeonseo a message.[I have an outside meeting, so I’ll head home directly afterward. Don’t worry; I won’t be too late.]Yeonseo would likely understand that the second sentence wasn’t actually intended to ease his worries. It was Suhan’s way of telling him to stay out of it because he knew how to take care of himself without overdoing it.[Okay.]The short response from Yeonseo made Suhan feel unsettled. Looking at past messages, they used to exchange lengthy conversations that resembled letters. Seeing only a single-word reply made him feel irrationally annoyed. Why am I even bothered by this? Frustrated at himself, Suhan wasn’t actually heading to an outside meeting as an excuse.“Long time no see, sir.”The place was no longer in business, yet it was maintained spotless, with no trace of dust, as if ready to welcome guests at any time. Suhan entered through an old aluminum-framed door, pushing it aside. Inside, an elderly man who was tidying up the kitchen straightened up slowly, clutching his back, and welcomed Suhan with a warm smile.“Well, look at you. You look like you’ve lost half your weight.”The elderly man, who took off his pink rubber gloves and stepped over the kitchen threshold, was familiar to Suhan. Four years ago, he had been a contestant on a show where Suhan was a judge. Back then, his illness wasn’t too severe, and he appeared on the show to promote his struggling restaurant. Having worked in the same spot for decades, his skill in cooking traditional Korean dishes was unmatched.However, his performance was lacking compared to other contestants who had professional training. He thought it was enough to just make tasty food. But the strict regulations and unfamiliar dishes challenged him, and he failed repeatedly, almost facing elimination without even making it to the live broadcast.It was Suhan who arranged for a Korean cuisine mission to give the elderly man another chance.“We’re here to elevate the best cook, not just the most trained one.”Thanks to Suhan’s support, the man survived another round and appeared on the live broadcast. The restaurant gained enough publicity to thrive with a constant flow of customers. Now, with his condition worsened and his restaurant closed, the man was one of the few former contestants who still reached out, wanting to treat Suhan to a meal.If Suhan had ever considered someone as a grandmother figure, his actual grandmother would have been a bitter reminder of someone who, in his childhood, hurled verbal abuse at his mother all day long. But watching this elderly man made Suhan wonder if this was what a typical grandparent felt like. He found himself oddly hoping that he might be able to eat food prepared by the man.“Things must be really tough, huh? Childbirth is no small thing, after all.”Despite Suhan’s sudden message, the man willingly opened the restaurant and prepared a dish he was most confident in: a bowl of clear vegetable broth noodles. Most people would expect anchovy broth for this dish, but the man, with years of experience, could create a clean umami flavor using only vegetables. “Thought you might not like seafood’s strong taste,” he said, smiling, as he handed over the warm bowl, which Suhan found himself holding onto, unable to let go.But sadly, even after just a sip of the broth, Suhan felt nauseous, managing to only chew a few bites before swallowing. Barely holding back the urge to throw up, he forced himself to lift the chopsticks again, which made the elderly man shake his head with sympathy.“What are you so afraid of, someone as brave and strong as you?”The elderly man’s sudden words felt like a blow to Suhan’s head. Afraid? Me? But seeing his own reflection in the mirror across the room, Suhan couldn’t deny it. His face was tense, as if he were being chased, and he couldn’t find a retort.“Even an old man like me, living with one foot in the grave, might say something that helps, right? Go ahead, tell me. Bottling things up will only make you sick. I speak from experience.”Staring into the broth for a long moment, Suhan finally sighed and spoke. Even as he said it aloud, he found it absurd. He had long envied someone who had what he couldn’t, despite that person not even realizing its value. He knew they liked him, yet he intentionally ignored it, crushing their feelings while subtly savoring an unfamiliar sense of superiority. No matter how much they pleaded, he would never love them. That wouldn’t happen, no matter how miserable their heart became.Eventually, something happened where he, an omega, nearly became helpless. If he hadn’t struggled to the point of hurting his own hand that day…if he’d been more susceptible to pheromones, it could have ended with him violated against his will. This thought filled him with both terror and self-loathing. His anger toward that person became his sole driving force to survive.But then he learned that the culprit of that dreadful incident wasn’t actually them. There was no longer any reason to condemn them as a monster. Confused about how to deal with them, he awoke from a long sleep to find that a year had passed. Despite losing his memory, he had somehow forgiven them. Not only that, he’d gone as far as to start a family. Without realizing it, he’d spent a blissful honeymoon and then abandoned him with the responsibility alone. Even though he remembered everything, he found himself furious that Yeonseo hadn’t pushed him away.So in the end, your only goal was to claim me, regardless of how I felt. The humiliation became unbearable, and he couldn’t suppress the nausea.But he had no intention of spilling all the details to anyone. So he summarized his story, saying only what he could.He asked the elderly man a foolish question about what to do when he despised and resented someone but didn’t want to forgive them or banish them from his life. The elderly man squinted his eyes and then gave a gentle smile.“So, it’s about your husband, isn’t it?”Caught off guard, Suhan flinched and withdrew his hand from the bowl. The man laughed knowingly.“Did he rack up a huge debt or something? Or gambling?”“No, nothing like that.”The elderly man asked again.“Then, did he ever hit you? People who raise a hand don’t change….”“Not that either.”When Suhan shook his head, the elderly man clapped his hands as if he understood.“Then, is it about…another lover? I guess in your case, it would be another man?”Suhan couldn’t immediately respond. Is it even right to call it that? He knew well enough what irritated him the most. It was the fear of the part of himself that had taken his place during his lost memories that clung to him relentlessly.“…Not quite, but…it’s close.”After some struggle, Suhan managed a response. The elderly man then asked,“So you’re sick of even looking at him now, huh?”“……”Suhan didn’t answer, and the elderly man let out a long sigh and crossed his arms.“I don’t know if I’ve told you, but I also ended my first marriage because of infidelity. The guy wasn’t a bad person, but he could never resist any woman who called him ‘oppa’ and hugged him.”Suhan’s eyes widened at the sudden confession. Seeing his surprise, the man chuckled.“It was more than half a century ago! Every time I saw his face, my blood would boil. Divorcing him was the best decision I ever made.”Then he asked Suhan casually,“Anyway, what do you want to do with this husband who’s caused you all this trouble? If he’s apologized but you don’t want to forgive him, then maybe it’s not meant to be. Do you just want him to keep begging for forgiveness?”The elderly man’s next words left Suhan speechless.“If you only want to torment him because you hate him that much, you’d better stop. In the end, you’re the one who’ll be hurt the most. If you’re unwilling to forgive, keeping them close will only make you miserable.”“……”“I know you said it’s not about infidelity, so my advice might not fit. But think carefully. Once you let go, he’s no longer your person. You’ll have no right to interfere in his life, and he’ll no longer have a reason to linger around. Will that really bring you peace?”It wouldn’t. For a moment, Suhan imagined Yeonseo happily laughing with someone else. Just the thought made his chest feel tight, filling him with such anger that he could hardly stand it without striking something. Even if that someone else had his own face, it enraged him, let alone if it were an entirely different person. You’re supposed to like me. You can’t do that. Realizing the feeling was jealousy, Suhan wanted to bury his face in the bowl and drown.