To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

It was too intense a temptation to resist—just like a scene from the dream he had last night. Suhan stared at the lunchbox with a reluctant expression for a moment, then, as if he were a bomb disposal expert, cautiously opened the lid with a suspicious look. Inside the chilled lunchbox were sandwiches that tasted even better cold, crafted with various flavors to keep things interesting.On the top tier of the two-layered lunchbox were neatly prepared bite-sized fruits, gleaming like jewels. Though they weren’t extravagantly decorated, the delicate care put into the lunch was evident.“……”Suhan shook his head, almost closing the lid again, but in the end, he couldn’t overcome his appetite. He wiped his hands with the wet tissues provided in the bag and, carefully nibbling from the edge, savored the rich, slightly salty flavor that filled his mouth. It was, frustratingly, quite delicious. So much so that he finished the entire box in one sitting and even polished off the dessert fruits to cleanse his palate. Clearing his throat, he tidied up the lunch bag with an unusual sense of satisfaction.He now understood what the morning’s bustling sounds had been about. With the kitchen closer to Suhan’s room than to the main bedroom, he hadn’t been disturbed from his sleep but had been vaguely aware that someone was busy outside. He’d just thought, What on earth is he doing now? But thanks to Yeonseo’s “antics,” he didn’t have to skip lunch, so Suhan was indeed in a position to be grateful.“……”Yet, it wasn’t easy for Suhan to openly express such gratitude.Earlier, he’d secretly gone down to the office café, thinking maybe he could manage to eat something by now, only to find that the sugar-laden rusk he bought was overwhelmingly sweet, even though it was just sugar and bread. He couldn’t even swallow a bite. To make matters worse, his stomach seemed to protest with a sudden, unsettling jolt. Could a baby kick from inside this early? Suhan clutched his stomach, startled.Resolutely, he attempted another bite, only to feel another jolt, and eventually had to put the rusk down uneaten.Is the baby refusing anything but Yeonseo’s cooking? Though the thought seemed absurd, Suhan finally accepted the idea after downing three bowls of the seafood porridge Yeonseo prepared that evening. It was baffling, but he had no choice if he wanted to stay healthy and keep his condition stable.“……”Finishing the meal with a strangely disgruntled look, Suhan left Yeonseo wondering if he’d done something wrong. What was it? He hadn’t used any ingredients that Suhan would dislike, and the seasoning had seemed fine; Suhan had eaten plenty, after all. Just as Yeonseo was about to get lost in these thoughts, Suhan bluntly spoke up.“How long does it take to make lunch and dinner?”The unexpected question left Yeonseo a bit puzzled, but he answered in a slightly hesitant tone.“Not too long… I’m used to it now, so 30 minutes is enough.”Suhan’s expression softened a little—maybe, Yeonseo thought, though it could be his imagination. After pondering Yeonseo’s response, Suhan finally spoke again.“And the cost? I think you bought groceries separately.”The cost? Why was he suddenly asking about this? Feeling as though he were part of a cooking competition, Yeonseo closely observed Suhan’s reaction.“It’s not much since I just make enough for the both of us.”Suhan then cleared his throat, looking stern.“Would fifty thousand won per meal be reasonable, including the labor? I don’t feel comfortable just taking without giving something back, considering you spend your time making it. I set the price arbitrarily, so if you think it’s low, you can ask for more.”While you could easily get a full meal with soup and side dishes for fifteen to twenty thousand won at a restaurant, Suhan factored in the special nature of his situation, knowing he couldn’t eat anything else, and was willing to pay more if necessary. With only two months left, he couldn’t risk malnutrition.“What? No, it’s not like that…”Though Suhan meant to acknowledge Yeonseo’s effort and skill, it didn’t quite come across that way. Instead of sounding appreciative, it felt more like, Take the money and don’t make a fuss. Yeonseo had held back his frustration, but Suhan’s clumsiness triggered a breaking point. Does he see me as someone cooking just for money? But just then, Yeonseo noticed Suhan’s neck flush bright red.“……”Realizing this was Suhan’s way of expressing gratitude, Yeonseo’s heart raced, though Suhan’s method was entirely misguided. Suppressing a shiver, Yeonseo managed to respond.“There’s no need.”But Suhan was insistent.“Why, is it not enough? Do you expect Michelin-level pay for a single meal?”After throwing out this sarcastic remark, Suhan looked surprised. Taking a deep breath, Yeonseo responded calmly.“No, I wasn’t giving it to you for the money. I’m just making extra portions for myself.”“It’s just that I feel uncomfortable not giving anything in return.”As Suhan stubbornly held his ground, Yeonseo pondered the dilemma. He didn’t want to take money, but asking for anything obvious, like a hug or kiss, would only lead to scorn. So, he offered a compromise.“Then, would you give me feedback? Point out what’s good or needs improvement—that would be enough of a thank you for me.”Suhan thought for a moment, then finally nodded, seeming to accept the idea. After all, tasting and judging flavors was part of his job.“…Sure.”And then, like a robot without any tact, Suhan continued.“The rice crust wasn’t fully softened. If it clumps together hard, it can feel like biting into a stone, so simmer it longer so the broth soaks through.”Had he really just pointed out a flaw? Yeonseo stifled a laugh as Suhan got up, adding brusquely,“But the seasoning was good, and the egg was nicely incorporated.”Ah, what was he to do with this endearing man? Even after Suhan left, Yeonseo lingered in the kitchen, barely holding back a sigh. He was keenly aware of just how deeply he’d fallen for Suhan; nothing thrilled him as much as hearing Suhan’s compliments. And they’d managed to end the conversation without a disaster for once. He was surely beyond hope.And hours later, Suhan, too, recognized the depth of his own situation.What the hell—again?!Roused from sleep by yet another steamy dream, Suhan jolted awake, feeling his body flush with embarrassment. He was vividly aware of the sensation of pressing into Yeonseo’s lips, sinking deeper with each movement, until feeling the release from within.He couldn’t believe he could be feeling this way. It seemed utterly unrealistic, almost like something out of the web novels or webtoons trending lately. Could it be more plausible that someone had possessed his body while he lost his memories? Of course, he wasn’t naïve enough to believe such unscientific assumptions, so he was left grasping his head in frustration. The mess had been created by his past self months ago, but why did his present self have to clean it up? Maybe it was because he hadn’t dealt with his urges properly—they were becoming increasingly severe.“Am I really losing it…?”Every time they accidentally brushed fingers when opening doors or inevitably faced each other during daily life, his body would ache below. But unlike a mere erection, his rear reacted too, and he’d rush to the bathroom, pulling down his underwear, only to find his inner thighs soaked with slick fluid. Just being around Yeonseo was enough to excite him without him even realizing it.This couldn’t go on. He thought about going back on pheromone suppressants, but a warning label on the side of the prescription bottle stopped Suhan cold:[Warning: Pregnant individuals or those who may become pregnant should avoid use due to risk of miscarriage.]This was expected, given that the baby’s development was affected by pheromones. However, he could no longer suppress his urges with medication as he used to, nor did he have the shamelessness to ask Yeonseo for intimacy as he had during his amnesia. Yet, since he was now relying on Yeonseo for meals as well, he was seeing him even more often—almost like a married couple.This couldn’t go on. Thinking about how they’d both be stuck at home over the weekend and running into each other even more, Suhan decided to leave as soon as he woke up late Saturday morning, throwing on an outer layer and heading out.“Do you have plans?”“I’m just going to get some air. Don’t worry; I’ll handle lunch on my own.”He answered Yeonseo’s concerned question curtly, stepping out the door. Since he’d been eating well lately, he figured he could skip a meal. With the single-minded focus on getting out of the house, he wandered aimlessly until he noticed a sign pointing to a nearby park. Being the weekend, it was bound to be crowded.Thankfully, the park was mostly a quiet place suited for neighborhood strolls, with only a few children running around and the occasional elderly couple. As Suhan wandered on, he heard someone calling out from the open area behind him.“Oh, Suhan! It is you, right?”Suhan turned around, puzzled by the familiar yet unfamiliar voice. A friendly-looking man with a rugged appearance was smiling at him.“Wow, it’s been ages! First time seeing you since your rehab ended, right?”What is he talking about? Suhan couldn’t place him at all. Not from TV or work…so where? He rifled through his memory, landing on a guess that maybe this was someone he knew during the amnesiac period. The talk about rehabilitation also suggested a hospital connection. The man seemed to pick up on Suhan’s hesitation.“Uh…are you feeling alright?”As Taeoh trailed off, Suhan suddenly wondered. What on earth had his past self been up to that Yeonseo and even his colleagues seemed to prefer the amnesiac version? This might be a rare opportunity to find out.“No, I’m fine. This might sound strange, but I recently regained my memories and lost the memories from when I was hospitalized. So, I apologize for not recognizing you—who might you be?”“Oh, yeah, I knew you’d lost your memory after the accident….”“Ah, yes, but actually, it’s a bit different. When my memory came back, I lost all recollection of the period during my hospitalization.”“Oh!”The man finally understood, sighing briefly. It sounded like something out of a TV show, but he nodded without resistance.“So, you’re the Suhan from before the memory loss? Got it.”What was that supposed to mean? As Suhan bit his tongue to avoid snapping, a loud shout came from behind the man.“Dad! Where did you go? You said you’d help push!”“Oh.”Suhan looked past him to see a little girl with a pouting face, clearly upset.“Come on! Hurry up!”The way her cheeks puffed out in her frustration was almost endearing. Suhan could tell just by looking that she was doted on at home.“Alright! Just a minute!”The man chuckled, rushing over to his daughter. Suhan watched, feeling a pang of concern about interrupting their family moment, yet unable to look away. The joy on their faces felt like something out of a perfect picture.“Huff…huff…can we take a break, just for a second?”After what felt like a few minutes of running, the man was already out of breath from pushing the bike to keep up with his daughter’s pace. Huffing, he leaned over, trying to catch his breath.“Dad, you’re so weak! Are you a noob?”“Where…did you pick up that word…huff…”“All my friends say it! I’m not the only one!”And soon enough, her attention shifted to Suhan.“Mister, can you push me instead?”Suhan tried to refuse, but when his eyes met her innocent, pleading ones, it was hard to say no.“Please? Just for a moment…”He found himself at a loss, unable to firmly turn down the innocent belief in her eyes. He grabbed the bike from behind.“Ah, Suhan, you really don’t have to—” the man started, but Suhan was already pushing.“It’s fine,” he replied—but just then, the bike took off, and he found himself running to keep up. He wasn’t entirely sure if this exercise was okay, but since he wasn’t feeling too heavy, he kept at it. He felt himself getting out of breath quickly, but just as he was about to reconsider, she called out.“Don’t let go! Okay?”But it was Suhan. Even a child had to face challenges head-on.“Sure, I’m holding on,” he replied, but then let go. The girl, completely trusting him, kept pedaling, not realizing he’d let go. When she noticed, she started wobbling, and Suhan quickly rushed over to steady her before she could fall.“See? You can do it. Life’s about pedaling on your own, so you don’t fall.”Predictably, she started crying, feeling betrayed, and Suhan simply sighed, patting her on the shoulder.“Sorry… the kid’s a bit immature, isn’t he? He’s been weak since he was young, so we spoiled him a lot. Guess it made him a bit bratty.”A while later, a man, both physically and mentally exhausted, sat down heavily on the edge of the bench, releasing a long sigh. The child was now with his mom, who had come to pick him up, and was busy chattering on about his accomplishments for the day, despite having thrown a fit when Suhan let go of his hand a moment ago. Just like I thought – when he finally does it, he runs around boasting.Suhan had only set the stage, not contributed much. The bruises on the child’s arms and the adhesive bandages stuck all over him came from practicing with his dad, anyway. But shouldn’t I get some thanks, at least? As Suhan smirked inwardly, Taeoh handed him a warm cup of coffee with a smile.“It’s a hot Americano. One cup a day is usually fine, but I went for decaf just in case.”He must’ve made a quick trip to the nearby coffee stand while Suhan was briefly watching the kid’s retreating back. Suhan wasn’t too keen on drinking coffee he couldn’t even identify and figured it would only ruin his taste. Still, he accepted Taeoh’s gesture without refusal, a rather surprising decision.“Sorry for asking so suddenly, but I don’t know how to thank you for helping him accomplish something that we couldn’t manage after a week of teaching.”His face was a blend of apology and gratitude, his smile open and unreserved, which struck Suhan as unusual. Sure, they weren’t just casual colleagues, but they weren’t old friends either, nor did they know each other that well. Yet Taeoh seemed to feel none of the vague distance that most people would. It was like they were just ordinary friends. It felt a little odd but not unpleasant, and so Suhan missed his chance to excuse himself.“No, it’s fine. It wasn’t anything difficult.”Feeling slightly out of place, Suhan took a sip of his coffee. And unsurprisingly, it tasted awful. Instead of a balanced harmony of sour and bitter, the flavors clashed wildly, and rather than being rich, it had a burnt taste, leaving Suhan with the distinct impression that whoever made it did a poor job. Still, rather than pouring it down the drain, he sipped occasionally, using it to warm his hands. He had something he wanted to ask Taeoh now that he had the chance.“Um…”As he began to speak, his eyes met Taeoh’s good-natured gaze, making Suhan want to run away. But just as he’d told the kid earlier, nothing would change if he didn’t face the risk. Clenching his fist tightly, Suhan continued.“What kind of person was I… at the hospital?”Out of consideration, Yeonseo had never compared or mentioned the “past Suhan” in front of him. From his changed demeanor and the remaining records, Suhan could only guess how happy they’d been and how close they were. Otherwise, he only heard snippets of what he’d been like before his memory loss from passing remarks, and he couldn’t understand why people seemed to prefer that version of him over his current self.“Well… let’s see…”At Suhan’s question, Taeoh paused thoughtfully before speaking.“You were… a kind person. To everyone.”At the concise response, Suhan’s eyebrow twitched upward. Taeoh hurriedly elaborated upon seeing Suhan’s puzzled expression.“Um, you seemed… naturally considerate, I guess? You spoke gently, and it was clear you were careful not to hurt others’ feelings. That made you seem like a very kind person.”Hearing that, Suhan’s whole body felt prickly, as though he’d broken out in hives. Kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration – words so far removed from Lee Suhan, who’d been called a tongue-lashing bastard. Anyone who thought those words could apply to him would probably burst out laughing.“…”Stunned and at a loss for words, Suhan found himself unable to respond. Taeoh smiled, sensing his discomfort.“It feels strange, doesn’t it? I was surprised too. I realized that people aren’t always the way they appear on TV…”It wasn’t that at all – he truly wasn’t someone who embodied consideration. But nothing came to mind to explain that, and explaining it would only sound ridiculous. So, after a brief hesitation, he muttered the one polite response that came to mind.“…Thank you.”“Oh, don’t mention it. I only spoke the truth.”And then another awkward silence followed. Should he get up and leave now? Just as Suhan was deliberating, Taeoh suddenly spoke up.“Is there anything else you’re curious about?”What else could he want to know? Suhan paused, but a thought struck him. He didn’t expect the man to know the details, but there was one question that had been on his mind. He knew they’d become incredibly close just before his memory loss, almost like inseparable lovebirds. But he still didn’t understand how they’d gotten that close.“Um…”But wasn’t it strange to ask someone he barely knew about that? Yet, considering his unique situation of having experienced memory loss twice, there was a bit of leeway. After a moment of deliberation, Suhan asked.“Do you happen to remember what things were like between my husband and me right after I woke up from the accident?”It sounded odd, but given the situation, Taeoh would understand. Suhan asked in a reluctant tone, and Taeoh responded with a cheerful smile.“You followed Yeonseo around like crazy. You didn’t want to be left alone on weekends and begged him to go places with you.”“…?”Suhan wondered if he’d misheard.“Me?”“Yes, you. You even came to me once, complaining that your husband kept drawing lines even though you knew he liked you.”“…? Sorry, what?”Listening in disbelief, Suhan began to wonder if Taeoh was joking. Otherwise, how could this be? Even with lost memories, he hadn’t completely lost his mind, nor his ability to judge. There was no way he had clung to that guy, following him around.“Oh, and I remembered – you even pretended to be drunk so he’d come to pick you up. Yeonseo looked so uncomfortable, and he gave me this cold look as if to say, ‘How could you let him drink when he’s still recovering?’ It was shocking coming from someone as gentle and quiet as him.”As more revelations continued, Suhan’s face turned red with embarrassment, though he hadn’t been the one responsible for his past actions.“No, wait, hold on…!”As Suhan stammered, unable to process all the surprising information, Taeoh laughed and delivered the final blow.“You’re wondering how you got so close to Yeonseo, right? I can answer that easily. You just kept following him around, and he couldn’t resist.”Faced with this nightmare of a statement, Suhan wished he could pass out.* * *A short time later, Suhan returned home, physically and mentally spent, reeling from the shocking statements he’d just heard. Not only did he supposedly fall for Yeonseo first and chase after him when he tried to keep his distance, but he even got jealous of his past self. It was all too unbelievable.“Do you know how many times I heard that? You’d keep saying it felt like I preferred the past version of you over the present, like you were a placeholder for someone else. I couldn’t understand why you felt that way – I thought you two seemed happy together.”And when he’d asked, dazed, if Taeoh thought he was a better person before, the answer had been equally confounding.“I can’t say, but Yeonseo’s choice is clearly the present you.”