To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

“What on earth are you talking about?” Suhan was struck speechless in disbelief, but the man added a final stunning comment.“I do think you should be a bit more honest, though.”While Suhan hesitated, unsure of how to respond, the man stood, bowed politely, and walked in the direction where his wife and daughter had disappeared. Suhan could only watch in silence as the cheerful family of three walked together in step.Even after returning home, that brief scene kept coming back to him. A completely ordinary family picture. It was a scene Suhan had never known as his own, even as a child. His father had barely been home until his grandmother passed away. How many days a year would he actually be there?And when he was, he would set up a drinking table in the corner of the main room, drinking like he held a grudge against the world, washing down cold rice and soup as if he were at odds with it. When he got properly drunk, he’d ignore his grandmother’s and mother’s requests to stop, saying it was ruining his health, and would quietly fall asleep. Going to an amusement park or traveling together as a family, like in other ordinary households, was unimaginable.At least his father had never raised a hand to his mother or grandmother, which was the only solace they had; theirs was at least more peaceful than other households nearby, where young women’s cries and older men’s shouts could be heard on a whim.For Suhan, a happy family felt like an ill-fitting outfit. No matter how expensive his clothes were or how many people praised his refined appearance, saying he looked as if he were born with a golden tie pin, his past clung to him like a label. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never build a proper family like others. When he was offered marriage to Yeonseo, those words he’d said to the flawless-looking Lee Suhan in the mirror didn’t go away.So he thought that even if he married, there’d be no children. But the presence of the child who now kicked around unexpectedly confirmed just how unpredictable life could be.The day he woke up in the hospital, having regained his memory after a mild concussion, Suhan told Yeonseo he had no intention of raising the child. He didn’t just say it; he even wrote a contract in his own handwriting and signed it. He intended it as a way of not taking responsibility for something he hadn’t caused, though really, it was an escape—from a bond he had never experienced and was afraid of even imagining.The child’s birth would end this uncomfortable arrangement. He planned to endure until then, but gradually, he began to fear even thinking about that ending.Would Yeonseo be a good father when the child was born? With his kind and gentle nature, he might spoil the child and even receive a few words from others for it, but he would certainly be a loving father. They’d be well-off financially, and with generous grandparents to care for the child, Yeonseo could raise them without Suhan, without lacking anything. A happy child and a happy father. Even if a family of two wasn’t exactly the traditional picture of three, the child would still be raised with everything they needed.You don’t have to be there. It was as if someone with his voice was whispering to him. Feeling a wave of exhaustion that made him feel ready to collapse, Suhan pulled open the front door.As the door chimed and opened, he heard someone inside gasp in surprise. As Suhan entered the living room, frowning, he saw Yeonseo organizing some boxes there, startled enough to drop the utility knife he was holding.“Oh, sorry. The delivery just arrived, so I was organizing it. I’ll clean up right away!”Yeonseo hurriedly covered the contents of the box with his hands, but it was obvious they were baby items. For some reason, Suhan felt like he was intruding and disrupting Yeonseo, so he shook his head.“No, go ahead. I won’t mind.”“Oh…”Then he passed through the living room toward the bathroom. While he lathered his hands with hand wash, he could hear the sound of Yeonseo diligently opening and unpacking the boxes through the sound of the water. Without realizing it, Suhan found himself intently listening to the sounds outside and suddenly shook his head, startled.Whatever Yeonseo had bought had nothing to do with him. He’d move out and find a new place as soon as the baby was born, and he’d never return to this house. By the time Yeonseo returned here with the baby after being discharged, he’d be gone. With this in mind, he avoided looking at the living room and went straight to his room. Once inside the empty room, an unexpected sense of loneliness crept over him.“…”The baby was, unusually, peacefully still, and with no sound in the room, it was deathly silent. Suddenly, a thought he’d been trying to avoid settled in a corner of his mind. If I said I wouldn’t leave this house, could there really be a picture of a happy couple with a child, living together like the family I saw today? If Yeonseo’s feelings for me are genuine, could that be okay? Questions without answers floated in his mind, then dispersed.Could he really stay, after all the sharp, hurtful words he’d used to ignore and cut Yeonseo? He lacked the confidence. And he was afraid. He wanted to run, yet at the same time didn’t want to leave. To Suhan, settling down was the most frightening sensation, since he’d lived his whole life running as if he’d die if he ever stopped moving.What if I end up loving you, and you don’t love me anymore? What if someone as kind, thoughtful, and considerate as when I lost my memory takes my place? Maybe they’d be a better fit and deserve your love more. What if I decide to stay by your side but am no longer needed?Endless questions spun in his mind, creating dissonance. His mind felt like a messy, ink-spattered sheet of music that would end up a cacophony no matter how fine the instrument.You were the one who loved me. In a moment of heart-pounding intensity, the man’s words from earlier replayed.“I wouldn’t know, but it seems that Yeonseo’s type is you.”Why would the man say that? The question nagged at him, and he found he couldn’t sit still. There had to be a reason. He should have asked why the man thought so.Had they not gotten along? Or had Yeonseo, in front of his memory-lost self, slipped and made a mistake? Had Yeonseo missed him enough to feel resentment, even while Suhan couldn’t remember? A flush rose in his face. He couldn’t believe that the admired, ‘perfect’ Lee Suhan was jealous of himself.Don’t overthink it. But his heart continued to race, making it difficult to stay in the room. Finally, he threw open the door to cool off with some cold water, only to find Yeonseo still diligently unpacking boxes in the living room, along with a half-assembled mobile.“Oh!”Yeonseo let out a surprised exclamation as the mobile’s toy pieces caught Suhan’s eye. The small, colorful figurines were shaped like various weather symbols in yellow, red, blue, and green, impossible to assign a specific gender to based on color alone.“…”Suhan suddenly felt ashamed for not even knowing the gender of his own child until now. It made sense, though; since he planned to leave, he hadn’t let himself get attached. He feared that learning the baby’s gender and imagining their face would make it harder to leave. Now, after all that effort to keep his distance, he was curious, and it made him feel painfully small as he turned to leave the room. But then Yeonseo held onto his ankle.“Look at this. Once it’s assembled, it sways adorably.”Maybe he’d noticed Suhan’s lingering gaze on the mobile. Holding the nearly complete mobile by the top, Yeonseo raised it.“Oh.”Since it wasn’t fully assembled yet, the mobile’s balance faltered, and the makeshift securing points came undone, causing the attached figurines to scatter toward the floor all at once.“Ah…!”Yeonseo immediately crouched down to pick up the toys that had rolled away, looking flustered. However, holding the main part of the mobile in one hand, he struggled to gather all the toys with his other. One sun-faced toy, smiling cheerfully, rolled to a stop near Suhan’s foot. Yeonseo quickly set down what he was holding to pick it up, but Suhan had already reached it first. The sun looked oddly out of place in Suhan’s rugged yet steadfast hand.As Suhan, feeling a bit awkward, moved to set it down, Yeonseo extended a hand with a smile. Embarrassed for no reason, Suhan, handing the sun to Yeonseo’s gentle palm, wanted to disappear somewhere.“Isn’t it cute? Since the crib is decorated like an ocean, I thought it’d be nice to have a sky-themed mobile.”Yeonseo’s cheeks turned a faint pink, as if showing off a cherished item. Seeing that, Suhan again felt a troublesome urge. It would be easier to ruin this mismatched situation by his own hand than to settle into it. It was his usual pattern: if he broke things off first, he’d avoid the deeper scars he might get from being abandoned himself. But the thought of taking that familiar approach scared him this time, as if it might leave him with a wound much greater than before.“…”Suhan hesitated, unable to reply to Yeonseo’s words, not sure what to say. Instead of demanding why Yeonseo was saying this to him or questioning his intentions, Suhan kept silent. At the same time, he grew anxious, wanting to ask something entirely different. Knowing it would sound awkward, he gave up on trying to find a smooth way to ask and blurted out the question.“The baby…”“Hm?”“What’s the gender?”Yeonseo’s eyes widened at Suhan’s unexpected question. He was expecting a playful tease, not this.“Uh…”As Yeonseo hesitated, Suhan glared, repeating his question.“Is it a boy or a girl?”With Suhan’s anxious, mixed-up gaze on him, Yeonseo finally gathered his courage to answer.“They said… it’s a girl.”Then, glancing at Suhan’s expression, he added, “She’ll be really cute, right? Since she’ll probably be smaller than average, even if she’s born full-term.”It only made sense, considering the size of the pregnant belly was smaller than expected. Suhan involuntarily imagined a baby girl resembling Yeonseo and immediately shook his head. He shouldn’t think like this; it would only hurt more if he was rejected. His heart ached at the idea that even if he changed his mind now, Yeonseo might not agree.“…”Suhan gave no response to Yeonseo’s gentle answer, instead choosing to flee. He shut himself in his room, pulled up the blanket, and closed his eyes. It was still early, so sleep didn’t come easily. After a while, Yeonseo’s voice came through the door, asking if he’d skip dinner, but Suhan pretended to be asleep, unable to answer.That night, Suhan dreamt he was walking aimlessly in the dark, as though without a destination. Just like his life so far, he kept walking, running, and sprinting until he was out of breath. Not knowing where he was coming from or where he was headed, exhaustion quickly set in. I want to stop everything. As he collapsed and lay on his back, staring up at the sky like a dead insect, someone approached him. This person, in casual sneakers and light clothing — something Suhan thought would never suit him — somehow felt familiar. When he barely lifted his head to look, he saw a face identical to his own. But oddly, it didn’t feel like looking at himself.“…”When Suhan silently raised himself, the person who looked just like him tugged at the corner of his lips in a light smile. Suhan felt that it was mocking him. As he continued to stare wordlessly, the person answered with a bright, irritating expression.“Don’t think of me as someone else.”What could that even mean? They looked identical, but their personalities couldn’t be more different. It was difficult not to think of him as someone else. Even in his memory gaps, his past actions weren’t things he’d ever do in his right mind. As Suhan remained silent, the person spoke again.“Are you scared that I’ve taken something from you?”It was a question that pierced Suhan to the core. Ever since he woke up in the hospital, Suhan had been plagued by a sense of alienation, as if he was intruding on a place where he didn’t belong. A guilt of having stolen the place of the beloved Lee Suhan. Though he’d been reluctant to acknowledge it, it had all been in vain. As Suhan stayed silent, the figure crouched down and wrapped him in a hug.It was a strange feeling. He was being held close, but there was no warmth.“I am you. You don’t need to fear me.”With those words, Suhan woke up from his brief nightmare in a cold sweat. It was still deep in the night, and his phone showed the time as barely 3 a.m. There were still hours until dawn.Why did I dream about that? Fear? Me? The answer was clear. Suhan feared being rendered unnecessary and replaced by someone else. His memory loss seemed to embody that fear completely. Pulling the blanket over himself again, he closed his eyes. It took a while, but eventually, he drifted back to sleep.* * *The next morning, with no time to hide his discomfort, Suhan rode to work with Yeonseo, who was driving. He felt he needed to change this arrangement. Although he had to rely on Yeonseo’s car due to contractual obligations, he decided he’d need his own car if he wanted to get out of town on weekends.He called the dealer he’d previously contracted with during lunch, but unfortunately, even if he signed a contract now, he wouldn’t receive a new car for another six months. After learning the delivery could be further delayed, Suhan decided to look for a used car he could drive in the meantime.It didn’t matter if it was a rental or used car, though he ruled out rentals because of the obvious license plate and the feeling of driving someone else’s vehicle. He began searching for a used car of the same model he’d driven before. During his search, one particular listing caught his eye.“What…?”It wasn’t that he was particularly drawn to the car, but the information and history matched his previous vehicle almost exactly. The price range, model year, and mileage all lined up, but the repair costs listed for minor accidents also matched the amount he had paid after a fender bender. Several other options he had added when he first bought the car matched, raising his suspicion.But didn’t they say it was scrapped?Suhan decided to take some time off work to investigate further, calling the dealer. If it was indeed the same car, it would be lucky to have found such a close match, and if not, he could figure out what was going on.Finally, after the long workday, Suhan arrived at the used car lot. What he found was about what he expected.“Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but just after you called, one of our staff checked the vehicle, and it was already sold. Would you like to look at another similar vehicle?”“Want to see it?” Suhan touched his eyebrow with the tip of his finger and drew out his lips. Being a well-known figure with a reputation for a sharp demeanor, his disapproving gaze from above was rather intimidating. Suhan was more aware than anyone of how people treated him. Most people disliked him and either tried to appease him to his face or attempted to challenge him.“Just an omega who loses control and melts down in the bedroom” or “a guy who, since childhood, latched onto a wealthy family and even managed to climb up the ranks through his son.” Because of countless attempts to insult and belittle him, Suhan had no choice but to sharpen himself to make people more afraid of him.Look at them now. Known for his troublesome nature, they can’t even look him in the eye while trying to pull off an obvious scam. Suhan stifled a scoff and asked again.“So, it hasn’t been handed over to the buyer yet, right? Can I take a look at the car then? I just want to check the options, even if I don’t buy it.”When Suhan didn’t back down, the man who had initially welcomed him with a grin, thinking he was an easy target, was now looking a little desperate. “Boss, what do we do?” The man exchanged a few glances with an older man inside, and then he tried persuading Suhan in a different direction.“Um… well, the car isn’t here right now. Since we operate multiple offices, it’s difficult today, but if you visit again next time, we’ll make sure to prepare the right inventory for you.”But Suhan, already sensing something suspicious, had no intention of backing down. Smiling brightly as if giving a knowing eye smile, he held his phone in one hand, fiddling as if looking for something, and with the other hand, he tapped the desk lightly before showing the staff a photo and said,“Then, could I at least get an explanation? Why is my totaled car listed for sale here?”The employee’s expression distorted as if to say, “We’re screwed,” in an instant, was quite a sight.* * *After over an hour of coaxing and threats from the employee and manager, Suhan left the office feeling unpleasant. The long-winded conversation could be summarized simply: “You’ve already taken everything you could; why are you raising a fuss now? Didn’t you already know?” The manager’s logic was even more concise. The man claimed that while Suhan was hospitalized and unconscious, he had paid the person who handled the car even more than what was typically given.Did you really think that was leftover money from the scrapping of the car? Who’s that naive? They repeated themselves like a broken radio, and eventually threatened him, saying, “If it becomes public that someone as well-known as you collaborated in selling a damaged car, that could cause problems for you, too.”What nonsense — I wasn’t the one who handed over the car.When Suhan insisted he wouldn’t back down without seeing the car, after nearly an hour of struggle, they finally brought out a car that looked patched together like Frankenstein, with only the frame barely restored and the engine refusing to start.As Suhan examined the car closely, he caught the sneering comment from the man behind him.“It’s remarkable that you got even that much for something that damaged.”Although Suhan had only seen photos from the accident scene, he hadn’t known exactly where the damages were, so he seized the opportunity to press for an explanation. Nervous about Suhan suddenly changing his attitude and filing a report, the man hesitantly continued. He explained that the frame was smashed, the transmission had issues, there was evidence of oil leaks, and something was wrong with the gears — it was a mess. They had intended to use it as a work vehicle, not to actually sell it. Didn’t we say we wouldn’t show it to you? he rambled on.Enough. When the man started complaining about the difficulty of repairing the brakes, Suhan’s suspicions turned into certainty. Someone had indeed tampered with his car. It was now essential to find out who had handled the car.The employee only said that it was a young man, claiming to be a family member of the owner and with authority to dispose of the vehicle. He seemed to be over thirty but not particularly old. Then, the manager came up with a different story, saying a wealthy lady had contacted them through acquaintances. What kind of rich woman would hand over a car to a shady dealership just to make a few extra bucks? When Suhan stared at him in disbelief, the manager shrugged.“People with money are usually like that.”While Suhan somewhat agreed, all he was left with were suspicions. Even if the relatives from the big house had disposed of the vehicle, they could still claim they were deceived by the dealership. There was no evidence they tampered with the car to cause the accident. His head swam with frustration as he headed home.Regardless of his future with Yeonseo, this was something he had to resolve.‘……’Juno, who had been handed over to Suhan, was still on the wanted list. Having grown up in a world without much security, Suhan couldn’t ignore the lurking threat. The issue with Yeonseo, naturally, came next.Once I find him, maybe I’ll bury him somewhere. But the real challenge was figuring out how to locate a missing person. Clicking his tongue, Suhan sighed as he got into a taxi, glancing at the garish ads plastered on a nearby utility pole.<Debt Recovery Services><Specialized Collection for Unpaid Dues><Specialized Staff Ready>Specialized staff… it wasn’t hard to imagine who they were referring to. His father had worked in a similar field. Though he had left the job after Suhan’s mother left and his grandmother passed away, people like his father had frequently visited Suhan’s house before he moved into Yeonseo’s home, calling each other brother. Never turn out like them — Suhan had gritted his teeth, hating the men who had gathered at his father’s funeral to drink themselves into a stupor.“I owe your dad so much. Call me if you ever need help, alright?”An old guest offering condolences had handed him a business card for what looked like a seemingly respectable loan company. His father, however, would have been appalled if he’d been alive. He always said, “My son is nothing like us. He’s a scholar, goes to an elite high school, earned scholarships, and even studied abroad. Don’t fill his head with nonsense.” He would’ve been furious. Until the end, Suhan’s father had wanted him to lead a different life, even if he could never boast that the famous man on TV was his son.‘…….’Suhan had never considered needing help from people like that, but this time, he had no other option. Juno might have been prevented from leaving the country, but the big house could pull strings if they wanted. Whether Juno had already sneaked out or was hiding in some quiet town, the fact remained that Suhan had no clear way of locating him. If there were people who specialized in finding those who evaded the law, they might be able to locate Juno.It wasn’t a pleasant option, but it was better than leaving a threat to his life unchecked. Suhan returned home and immediately pulled out some old belongings stored in a box. Things were in complete disarray, as if someone had rifled through them while he had lost his memory. Just as he finally found an old business card holder, Yeonseo called to him from the kitchen.“Um… dinner is ready….”His voice was hesitant, as if unsure whether he was inviting him to eat or just informing him. Suhan tossed the business card holder onto his bed and went to the kitchen without a word. Feeling uneasy sitting there doing nothing, he stood up to grab the utensils from the drawer. Just then—“Ah.”Their hands brushed as Yeonseo reached for the cutlery.“I’m sorry, go ahead.”Yeonseo, as if caught off-guard by some untouchable force, quickly withdrew his hand, irritating Suhan. What, afraid I’ll devour you? As if he hadn’t already done worse when I lost my memory… The surge of jealousy that welled up was childish and unappealing. Suhan, erasing from his memory his past ultimatum that he’d leave if he dared touch him again, picked up the utensils with an annoyed look.