Vaudevillain

Dylan dodged another staccato of incoming sound while he debated about what to do next. This second phase of the fight had thrown him for a bit of a loop. His most powerful invention wasn’t working here and his laser kept getting blocked by waves of sound. His dueling gloves had the same problem everyone else had in that the incoming sound kept forcing it to dodge.

“Boss, what do we do?” Cass asked as he ducked an incoming wave. His hat, for some reason, didn’t fall with him instantly, leaving a small gap between the minion’s head and the hat’s brim. The wave darted through the opening, ruffling a few hairs.

“I’m thinking,” Dr. Zlo said.

“We could let it tire,” Ms. Tama said. “Though I wouldn’t wish to give up such a lovely workout. Mortally dangerous calisthenics are an important part of a balanced exercise.”

“It’s a god,” Dr. Zlo scoffed. “I doubt he would get tired.”

“If we get close I could tell him off for you, hon,” Mabel said. Two nymphs were holding her up, helping her avoid the incoming blows so she didn’t have to work her old bones as hard.

“Too risky,” Dr. Zlo said. “There’s no telling when he’ll perform a key change and surprise you.”

“Well, do you have a better idea?” Mabel asked.

“Give me a minute and I shall come up with an infinite number of plans!” Dr. Zlo answered confidently.

Dylan tried to think about what he had in his inventory. The Dramatizer might work, but it was unlikely considering that it did nothing to Apollo the first time he appeared. He also still had his Airblaster, the invention he’d made to shoot pesky fans, but there was no way a concentrated blast of air would do anything.

When there was a short lull, Dylan opened his inventory and looked at everything stored inside. Other than the absolute mess of random materials, the player still had a hold of his portable force field and his gender bender gun. He also had his older items he’d used before the upgrades. The force field could buy some more time, but Dylan couldn’t see his first grand invention being useful here. Not unless he wanted Apollo’s head to become a soprano.

The thought sparked something in him. He turned to Mabel. “Do you still have your sonic purse?”

“Of course, hon,” she answered. “Never leave home without it.”

“Excellent!” the villain cackled.

He turned to Jack, the idea starting to form. “How long do you need to craft a new minion?”

“My creations come to life once I have placed everything in their proper place,” Ms. Tama said. “But I would need considerable time to make it happen. And the ability to stay still for a moment.”

“Then today is your lucky day!” the villain laughed. He pulled out the Airblaster and tossed it over. “Mabel, hand our partner in crime your purse, will you?”

“Hon, I love ya, but telling a lady to give away her things is about as rude as it can get,” Mabel said.

Dr. Zlo rolled his eyes. “Fine. Mabel, would you please hand the purse to Ms. Tama?”

“Will I get it back?” she asked.

“I’ll make you a new one,” Dr. Zlo said. “A better one. One with a radar for hunky men or something.”

Mabel immediately tossed the purse over. “You’d got yourself a deal, hon.”

“I need more than two pieces to make a masterpiece,” Ms. Tama said.

Dr. Zlo tossed the Dramatizer over, his old laser monocle, the old dueling gloves, and his old top hat. They landed at Ms. Tama’s feet in a pile. “Is that enough?”

Ms. Tama smiled. “Oh, this is plenty. Here, babies come to mama.”

She bent down as Dr. Zlo flew over and activated the portable forcefield. The bubble snapped into place around the two of them, cutting off the incoming attacks in moments. A bar appeared above, showing the field’s current health. It was dropping quickly.

Dylan knew what he was doing was more a gamble than an actual plan, but considering how powerful Hodge Podge seemed to be, he reasoned the new minion would have some way of combating Apollo. It was either that or fail and let the reset button take him away. He didn’t want to fail like that, however. Apollo had slighted Dr. Zlo more than once, and if the villain failed here that would force him into a vendetta against the god. Dylan didn’t think he had time for a vendetta when a whole parallel world plotline was in the works.

“You might want to hurry,” Dr. Zlo said to Ms. Tama.

“You can not rush an art,” she answered.

“I certainly can and will,” Dr. Zlo said as he watched the force field’s health fall below a third. “If you do not finish soon I shall have to come up with some other brilliant plan with less materials than I had before.”

“Almost there,” Ms. Tama said. She was arranging the pieces into the image of a person, adjusting their positions slightly. Then, she clapped her hands, and Dr. Zlo watched as his myriad inventions stiffened and clinked together.

The dramatizer formed the head, with the monocle and top hat settling on top. The Airblaster and Mabel’s purse combined to form the torso, their respective shapes giving a triangular look to the forming monster. The dueling gloves split in two, one part moving to hover around the torso as hands while the other part floated down to become shoes.

A sort of smoothing effect ran itself over the minion, blending the various pieces together. The hat molded itself onto the speaker head and the cone shrank and lowered to become a mouth. The monocle set itself above, one of the dials becoming a blinking eye. The head floated above the triangular combination of Mabel’s purse and the Airblaster, the two machines blending into one. Another giant cone of a speaker formed on the torso, the dust cover already thrumming. The parts of the gloves that acted as shoes changed and molded to become white sneakers, while the white gloves grew thicker to become a strange mix of boxing glove and mitten.

“Arise, my new creation!” Ms. Tama said with her spookiest voice.

The minion stood, its body bobbing up and down like a buoy in water. The hand waved. “Hello,” a robotic voice said out of the speaker. “I am Tonedef. I have no ears.”

Dr. Zlo looked at Ms. Tama. “Is the no ears part important?”

“You saw what happened to the other minions who made sound,” Ms. Tama said. “Did you really want another one to join the chorus?”

“I suppose not,” Dr. Zlo said. “But how will you order him around?”

“With tender love and care,” Ms. Tama said. She gestured for Tonedef to come over. The monster dutifully walked up and waved once more. “Hello.”

Ms. Tama smiled, then pointed over at Apollo’s head and the lute.

“Do you wish for me to join their song?” Tonedef asked.

“What?!” Dr. Zlo exclaimed.

She looked at Dr. Zlo. “Relax, dear.” She made a yes and no gesture to Tonedef.

“You wish for me to interrupt them?” the monster asked.

Ms. Tama gave a thumbs up.

At that moment, the forcefield finally gave, the last attack shattering the bubble and leaving everyone exposed. Ms. Tama and Dr. Zlo instantly moved to the side. Tonedef, however, didn’t know what to do and was struck by the sound.

“Owwww,” the monster said, his electronic voice dragging the exclamation out longer that it needed to be.

“I see you have crafted another attuned to my aspect,” Apollo’s head said. “A foolish choice. Come to me.”

Tonedef started to walk forward, and for a moment Dr. Zlo assumed the worst. Despite his inability to hear, Apollo could still turn the minion. However, even if that were the case, neither god nor villain would have guessed what happened next.

Tonedef joined the chorus, but there had been a reason Ms. Tama named the monster the way she did. As soon as it joined the song, things went downhill fast. Its voice joined the others, but instead of a melodic harmony, or a timbre, or even just a nice tone, a screeching sound came out of the speakers.

In fact, Dr. Zlo wouldn’t even go as far as to call Tonedef’s attempt at singing sound. Sound implied regularity. This was just noise. A screeching, terrible noise that acted like an unpracticed band member in an orchestra. The entire song fell apart in moments, the chorus unable to harmonize with the screeching cacophony trying its best to emulate them.

“What is this?” Apollo’s head said with a groan. “What is this! How horrible! How atrocious!”

Ms. Tama pursed her lips. “Come now. Tonedef is trying his best. You cannot blame him for his lack of talent.”

“This is more than a lack of talent!” Apollo shouted. “This is an utter void where talent should be!”

“You’re very rude,” Ms. Tama replied. “An instructor should attempt to educate, not berate.”

Apollo’s face upturned in anger. “I am a god you mortal woman! I do not educate! I—“

Tonedef reached another crescendo of the song, the noise doing its best to emulate the impressive tones of O Fortuna. And it was impressive, at least. The tone part needed some work. Well, more than some work.

Dr. Zlo plugged his ears as the noise vibrated the air around them. The lute shook from the attack, its strings moving in an attempt to push the cacophony away. Tonedef continued its song without a care in the world, delving deeper into the singing role.

One string on the lute snapped. Then two, then three and four. Apollo’s head turned in horror. “You maniac! Stop this thing from singing! He’s destroying the music!”

“He can’t learn unless he practices,” Ms. Tama said. She clapped her hands. “You’re doing great, Tonedef! I’m sure you’ll get there eventually!”

“Stop it!” Apollo shouted. His voice boomed out toward the monster, temporarily halting the noise. The lute joined in, all their focus poured toward Tonedef as he did his best.

Dr. Zlo saw his chance then and readied his cane. He flew over to the lute and blasted it with flame. Apollo whipped his head around in surprise. The lute twanged as another string snapped.

“You dare!” The god shouted.

“I never dare! I do!” Dr. Zlo said. “And now, you shall perish by my hand!”

He fired his laser at the god, the head too close for it to dodge. Some power left the god, weakening his defenses and letting more of Tonedef’s noise in. Apollo groaned at the cacophony as another lute string snapped.

It was at that moment Quartet jumped forward and snatched the lute out of the air. Dr. Zlo whirled in surprise.

“Now, I control the music!” Quartet laughed maniacally. He strummed the remaining strings on the lute and a portal opened up. The minion stepped through it, waving goodbye to Apollo who shouted in anger at the minion.

The anger vanished under the noise coming from Tonedef. The head dropped to the ground in pain, giving Dr. Zlo ample time to prep his disintegration spell.

“Perhaps I should have warned you about Quartet’s traitorous tendencies,” Dr. Zlo said as he fired. “Well, no matter. For this day you have fallen to the genius that is Dr. Zlo!”

Apollo roared in pain as the attack hit. The last of his body started to vanish, but before he was gone he looked at Dr. Zlo and spoke.

“I will return! I swear!”

The head fell apart into a pile of dust.

Dr. Zlo kicked it apart. “And thus falls a so-called god.”