Well at Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now

Saraneth 18, Oathday

We kept going for two more rounds, at which point little Emrys just couldn’t rise to the occasion anymore. Round four was all autopilot; I wasn’t able to deliver anymore pleasure, so I let my body tease out one last orgasm from Syl before finally collapsing next to her after her final climax.

Of course she wanted more. They always do. Oh shut the fuck up autopilot. She sucked our dick practically unprompted. She’s a keeper. 

Instead of paying attention while Autopilot internally bitched, I investigated a popup in the corner of my vision. I had ignored it when it appeared, as my dick was in Syl’s mouth at the time and that was more exciting to me than any line of text.

Achievement tab unlocked

Achievement complete: Layer of a Thousand Women I

Successfully have sex with 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 partners. 

Reward 1: Cantrip Known: Detect sexual compatibility. New sexually related perk at each breakpoint

I got more magic powers… for having sex with a cute girl. Fucking. Score. 

I was not in a particularly analytical mood, so the moment that autopilot finished reminding me that drow girls might not be worth pursuing I closed my menu and lay down next to Syl. I was worn out enough to sleep on that table, especially with company. I scooted over and gently wrapped one arm around her, pressing my face into her hair and breathing in her fresh veggie smell.

“Where did you learn to do that?” She mumbled as we lay together. “You’re really good.”

“I’ve had some very demanding lovers in the past.” I answered vaguely, not particularly wanting to get into traumatic experiences I didn’t even have.

Thankfully, Syl didn’t press, deciding that was enough for now. She relaxed against me for a few minutes before extracting herself. I grudgingly sat up to watch her go and mix a pinch of dried leaves into a mug of hot water from the kettle. She grimaced as she drank the Night Tea, lowering her chances of conception from precum from very unlikely to zero.

“Do you want to head back to your bunk, or stay here?” I yawned. “I should probably clean up, and I’ve got some other stuff to do, so I’ll be pulling an all-nighter.”

“Hit me.” She answered, “Better to stay here than stumble through the hold in the middle of the night.”

“Glad to have the company.” I said, taking a few steps forward to cast Keep Watch on her.

She perked up a bit, and finished her tea with a grimace. “So, do you have anything we can use to wash up? I’m sure you don’t mind smelling like sex, but a lady has to maintain a certain decorum.”

“Ah, I’m so sorry Lady Lonegan.” I joked, “your stage coach to the bathhouse was delayed.”

Shit. I didn’t think this through. We need to clean ourselves off, but we also just fucked on the food preparation table. I definitely need to clean that off. 

“Seriously though, it’s not ideal but how do you feel about smelling like grog instead?” I asked, “That’s what Kroop uses to disinfect half the time. I’ll just take it out of my rum ration, I don’t really need to drink every day.”

“I’ll take it.” She acquiesced.

I handed her a rag and a bowl of grog she could use to wipe herself down and get dressed. I also gave myself a few swipes, dressed, and busied myself identifying my inventory. I tried to do it quickly; I was already going to need to avoid any strenuous work tomorrow morning. I laid out everything side by side: my boots, my necklace, two scrolls, and a rectangular wooden tile.

The boots were up first. I’d been wearing them all day, but I wasn’t quite sure what they did. After looking them over, I still didn’t. They radiated enchantment magic, and I think there was something in there to do with fear, but unless they were a passive effect I just had a really nice pair of boots. (Secret Spellcraft Check: 4+7=11) The necklace was also a wash, but I had an excuse so I was sure as hell going to start wearing it. Maybe I could just figure it out that way. (Secret Spellcraft Check 5+7=12)

The Scroll of Hypnosis didn’t need identification; it let me cast a spell that would put someone into a trance and make one request of them. They’d permanently be more willing to go along with that request if I was the one asking. It seemed like it could be useful, though most of the thoughts that sprang to mind revolved around managing my allies way more than using it on enemies.

Making it easy to ask someone to do the dishes or suck my dick just seems way more practical than some one-off like “give me the keys to my cell.” Does that make me an asshole?

The relationship stabilizer was a total mystery to me. It didn’t even seem to use standard magical principles. (Secret Spellcraft Check 2+7=9) Advance pay wasn’t even a magic item, but when I examined it a tooltip appeared in the corner of my vision.

Advance Pay- allows you to pick any one non-major quest reward from any active quest. You gain that quest reward, but can not dismiss the associated quest until you complete your current chapter. 

So… commit to doing a quest, get the reward now? I can dig it. 

With that pile of failed attempts finished and half an hour passed, I cast Keep Watch on myself.

“So,” I said, running my fingers through my hair, “anything you want to do, or just dodging the walk of shame?”

I filled another bowl with the last of my rum ration and a bit of sea water, then wiped down the table. I wanted to get that done before any bodily fluids dried into a crust on the smooth wood.

“Walk of shame?” She asked, affronted, “what do I have to be ashamed of?”

“Sorry.” I backpedaled, “Just a translation from my language. I think it’s because having sex with someone you wouldn’t actually sleep with creates rumors, usually not flattering ones.”

“I see.” She pondered as she dug through her new satchel, “yeah. Pretty much that. That, and I can relax for a while here. I hope you’re not offended, but your friend picked me up a few books.”

She pulled a trio of slim paperbacks out of the satchel and looked them over. I glimpsed cover art in a flashy blue and black, the top book depicting a dapper man in a top hat being stalked by a looming shadowy figure. The title read “Pathfinder Johannas and the Case of the Creeping Horse Woman,” which seemed like a bit of a mouthful to me.

“Oh. Cool.” I said, trying to not judge.

We just banged and she’s getting excited about old Goosebumps books. Ok, probably not aimed at kids, but still short, cheap, and brightly colored. Eh. I should probably try one before I knock it. 

“Yeah yeah, laugh if you want. Sometimes I like turning my brain off.” She defended her choice of novel. “Good downers are one way to do that, mediocre copper dreadfuls are another. That said, I really don’t want to read a hundred pages of Pathfinder Johannas telling me how amazing he is.”

She picked up the only one of the three novels that wasn’t both starring and written by Pathfinder Johannas. “I guess that means I’m reading ‘The Man Eating Serpent’s Vengeance.’”

“Sounds good.” I said. “If you’re busy, I’m just going to meditate for a while. Could I borrow one later if I get bored?”

I sat down on the floor, leaving the chair to her like a gentleman, and started digging though the new tab on my menu. Achievements were front and center, no digging required.

Was this an unlock or an update?

To encourage the intended experience, we have added incentives to engage in a flashy Pirate Lord lifestyle. 

Architect of a thousand dreams 

Facilitate the personal goals of 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 crew members, usually resulting in their retirement from piracy. 

Perk associated with leadership or altruism at each breakpoint. 

Well that’s nice. I get rewarded for being a good boss. Shame that at the moment I’m an assistant cook. Not exactly well equipped to be doing any of that. Also… 1000 is a big number, isn’t it? I guess I’m an elf but that seems exhausting. 

Hero of a thousand stories 

Complete 90% of missions for 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 arcs

Powerful perk at each breakpoint 

Powerful. So helpful. I now definitely know what to expect. This one didn’t really need an incentive, since it already has one, but I guess I have been cherry picking. Is what I’m passing up better or worse than mythic ascension? Speaking of which… shit. 

I’ve got 18 missions for this arc. I only have 3 at a time, but the log has been pretty clear. I have 18 total, which includes the timed bonus missions. 16 out of 18 is about 89%, so I can only miss one of them if I want to get this mysterious “powerful perk.” I don’t really have a plan to kill Captain Harrigan, so that means I have to do everything else. Good news Sosima Aulamaxa, whoever the fuck you are, I’ve got extra reasons to go to ghoul island and save your ass. 

Killer of a thousand men 

Personally end the lives of 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 sapient creatures 

Reward: perk associated with violence or death at each breakpoint 

Of course, the text walls in my head are telling me to kill people again. At least the rewards are all tied to the achievement. I’ll get better at killing if I kill a lot. It checks out, but I’m not going to try to power level this one. Maybe I’d kill a thousand rats if that bit about sentient creatures wasn’t in there. That’d be a great exploit. 

Layer of a thousand women 

Sleep with 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 sexual partners 

1: Cantrip Known: Detect Sexuality

Perk associated with sex or romance at each breakpoint 

My man! This one is more my speed, but not by a ton. A thousand different chicks? Seriously, if this is a game that number was chosen to pad out play time. I doubt I’ll be picking up chicks left and right when I’m middle aged, so that’s… about 35 girls a year if I want to finish this out by 50. That means I need to meet, seduce, and fuck 3 girls a month for 30 years straight. Sounds fun, but no. I’d also need to find that many girls I actually wanted to sleep with. This ship only has like… 4 girls that are particularly hot, and that seems like either extremely good luck on my part or developer intervention. 

I mean… I guess I am an elf now. How long do elves live in this world? If I remember right, Tolkien elves are immortal until killed. D&D elves were pretty long too, but I never asked. Whatever. My point is that if I wanted to finish out this mission I’d need to be a total fuckboy for a sustained period, and it’s not like I needed extra reasons to try to sleep with Sandara. Getting something for nothing is great and all, but the real question is whether or not this is actually enough of an incentive to get me to change my behavior. That said, I need to check something very important. 

“Hey, Syl.” I asked, looking up at her, “can I interrupt?”

She looked down her nose at me and folded the book around one finger, her amused smile fading slightly.

“Sure,” she answered, “but make it quick. This one is hilarious.”

“What does tonight mean to you?”

“I know you’re as good as you promised.” She answered with a puzzled look. “Were you aiming at something else?”

Shit. I really should have thought this through before asking. Thanks to the seal, she just saw this as a transaction. A really fun one, but still. 

“Uh, I like you enough to do this when I’m not paying you back.” I answered lamely, “Let’s stick a pin in that. Would you be offended if I slept with anyone else?”

“Go for it. It’s not like either of us are planning on settling down any time soon.” She rolled her eyes and went back to reading. I never quite processed how much of that movement was body language until I saw a woman with no pupils roll her eyes. I retreated to my menu; she obviously wanted to read and I was shoving my foot in my mouth.

Taker of a thousand ships

Sink, steal, or rob 1/2/5/10/20/50/100/200/500/1000 ships

Perk associated with finance or resourcefulness at each breakpoint 

And finally we come to the most key part of being a pirate: being a naval bandit. So this is where money perks go? What the hell do I get from that? Detect credit score? A ledger built into my menu? 

I spent an hour or two digging through the reference document for hints about the perks on offer, but didn’t find anything illuminating. Detect Sexuality, the only perk I had available to search by, was listed as a cantrip but wasn’t in any consolidated lists of horny power ups. Over about twenty seconds, it would give me an overview of who they’d like to bump uglies with. First it would reveal if I was on the list. Next, it showed if that list contained boys, girls, both, or neither. Finally, it showed what kinds of traits would get someone knocked off the list despite otherwise looking qualifying. Political hangups, for example.

My best guess was that the achievement perks were scattered throughout the whole document, sorted by what they were mechanically instead of whether or not they would be useful getting someone in bed.

To be fair, outside of this extremely specific context that’s probably for the best. Annoying as hell, though. How do I know if it’s worth pursuing any of these things?

The one solid bit of information managed before abandoning the SRD in disgust was a description of the Relationship Stabilizer. It was listed as a “Company Asset,” whatever that meant. The header on that section said it was not native to this world, which was a whole massive can of worms I didn’t have the energy to investigate right then.

Relationship Stabilizer

Aura: Enchantment?

Description: This short wooden rod allows the user to make a temporary emotional state into a stable and crystallized opinion once, so long as it pertains to the user. For example, the state of emotional intimacy known as “the afterglow” could be extended into a deep sense of trust and affection, or the rush of adrenaline fueled gratitude after a daring rescue could be transmuted into a lifelong sense of loyalty. Alternatively, an enemy’s panicked flight from an ambush could be upgraded into recurring nightmares involving the user. 

This effect provides no saving throw by default. In the event that the target is in an unnatural mental state, such as being charmed or drunk, they receive a will saving throw. In the event of a success, the target’s emotional state is warped as it is made permanent. A charmed lover might become obsessed with the user, or a drunken confidante might be equally chatty to everyone instead of just the user 

The mention of the afterglow made me think of Syl, but I felt like we were already in a pretty healthy place without magic. It seemed best to keep this in my back pocket; if I wanted to use it to seal the deal with someone, Sandara seemed like a much better choice. Or that Sosima chick, if she ended up being hot.

I set aside the reference document, leaving behind a few dozen more bookmarked pages. By the gods, I’m going to make this piece of shit easily navigable even if it kills me. 

“Hey, Syl.” I asked, prompting another flat look. “Any chance I could borrow this one?” I held up The Man Eating Serpent’s Vengeance, which she’d already blitzed through and discarded.

“Sure.” She grinned wickedly, “I think that one might surprise you.”

We sat there together for the rest of the night, me leaned against her leg, mostly in a state of companionable silence. She was indeed correct; the title did not prepare me for 150 pages of dense lizardfolk tribal politics interspersed with melodramatic seduction and betrayal all revolving around giant lizards. The worst part was that I couldn’t put it down; I was still transfixed when Kroop staggered in a few hours later, stinking of rum.

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