Why are you special?

And I’m back in Death’s office.

"So… A Purple Worm, CR 12, and your 3rd level build was barely scratched, essentially taking it down solo. Good job, I suppose."

Yeah, I can hear the sarcasm, "Well, as I've said before: I wouldn't do this to a live DM. It's cheesy as all get out. But this is a survival situation, and I'll eventually need to face off against Life’s Champion, who's been kicking around beating folks up for like a thousand years. Yes, I'm going to cheat.  Speaking of cheating… what, exactly, are the limits and requirements on those nudges and dreams you can send to worshippers and priests?" I start pulling out books.

Death seems confused, "Nudges… I can make a worshiper feel a little better or worse based on some stimulus… so Wally gets a small feeling of trust and happiness whenever he sees you, as will any of my worshippers. I set that up, as you're my Champion. I basically assign rules for it and stop worrying. The dreams are similar. I can designate a region and a message, and my priests get a vision tailored to them that matches the message. But what’s that got to do with cheating?"

I'm looking through books as I answer, "I suspect Life may be pushing the limits of those abilities… nudging worshippers into having more kids, or distrusting and disliking members of other faiths, getting them to train folks along more priestly tracks; setting a 'region' down as small as possible, that kind of thing. How small can a region get?"

Death shrugs, "I've never checked; hold a moment… the size of a settlement. Not sure how that could be abused."

"Creatures can get mighty small… how big is the smallest settlement, and can you use that settlement size elsewhere?"

Death considers, "There's a colony of Elder Witchlights in the tropics that have lived long enough to qualify, which live just fine in about a ten foot radius area and.. yes. Huh. I can pretty much address individual priests that way."

Ah, there's the Terraformer, yes, templates can get the CR down to 4, so I can grab Technological Wonders to make everything I do Permanent and non-magical … "So you can tell any of them to do basically anything, as long as they'll accept the order, then?"

Death nods slowly, "Pretty much. They still have to choose to follow through, I can't make them do anything. But if I were a bit more of a general… yes, I suppose I could direct people quite well."

Need to advance casting this level, which gets me second level spells natively, pushing me up to fourth for Wild Arcana… "And what constitutes a priest?"

Death shrugs, "It's based on connection to me. They need to channel my power in some way. Clerics, Druids, Paladins… anything that does Divine spells is fine."

I nod… and of course, if I'm going to be making everything Permanent via Technological Wonders, I need the Fleeting Spell feat to be able to turn things off… "So… would getting someone access to a domain power by way of the Believer’s Boon feat do the job?"

Death pauses, "Yes, and maybe twenty percent of my worshippers qualify for that one. With enough work, that could be organized down to the level of a household, or nearly enough. Huh."

One more big choice… ah, Waxen Regeneration from the Waxwork Creature template. Works despite the lack of a Con score, and better yet, leaves me operational below 0 hp.  Bypassed by fire, and that’s painfully common, but hey: Resist Energy can help with that. "Right… and I suspect she's known this for a really long time." Wait… something he said earlier… "Wally’s one of yours? But… he's working with two of Life's people."

Death shrugs, "Yes. And so are you. Just because I'm at odds with my sister doesn't mean our people have to be. Dad discourages holy wars, but they do happen sometimes. And Wally isn't a Cleric or anything; he doesn't wave my Symbol around everywhere, and doesn't preach. I doubt Carter and Paul even know."

And spells known… Wild Arcana gives me most everything, but it won't take metamagic, so anything I'll want to dismiss or otherwise mess with I need to know… also, it is always a Swift action, so immediate action spells go in my Known slots… Wings of Cover it is! Momentarily blocks Line-of-Effect to stop attacks. "Sounds like if it were up to you, you wouldn't be opposing Life at all. Why's she so pissed off at you?"

Death sighs, "A very long time ago, Champions were just mouthpieces - our prophets or high priests. The boons were unique abilities meant so they could prove they were such, and our ability to converse directly was so they could definitively answer questions for the common folk on our behalf. And of course, we could cancel the boons to show our disfavor should the prophets start lying in our names."

Some lesser spells… barely matters for these… "There’s obviously more to this…."

Death nods, "Yes… but history matters. There was a worshiper she fancied, and she granted him a boon - the ability to visit her, physically, whenever he wanted."

I'll need to stop and prepare some of my off-list Arcane spells, I can pull a fun trick with Lesser Evolution Surge, which will be necessary to metamagic spells, "And let me guess: She fell head over heels in love?"

Death does a very tight-lipped smile, "Exactly. She even went so far as to have a child with him. But while our champions don't age naturally, they're still mortal."

And numbers… incremental changes only this level, until I start spamming buffs, which I'm not going to do until I can hide them well, 4th level stat boost goes to Charisma,  of course, "And you're Death. Which did you collect first?"

Death closes his lack of eyes, and some oily black fluid comes out of his left eyelid, "They were both caught in the same fight, with one of my worshippers, no less. She wasn't acting under my orders, but try convincing my sister of that. And for whatever reason, they both had contracts… and I can't NOT do my duty."

Two evolution points this level… skilled is a nice go-to… "So she blames you for both of them ending up on the lower planes, then? Yeouch. About how long ago was this?"

"That's about the size of it. And… coming up on three millennia."

"Quite the grudge. All right… well, I’m done here, care to take a look?" I lean back.

"Hmm… so you'll heal quickly from anything except fire, your spells can't be countered or identified and last forever…"

"Certain ones can be countered; Remove Curse will still work if I cast Bestow Curse on someone, for example."

"...right, right, but if you cast Acid Arrow on someone, they'll burn until they die, and then the corpse will dissolve until it's gone too. Better for buffs, though. And of course, you have a limited 'out' for the forever thing, and more spells and skills."

"Less limited once I have time to prepare spells, but yes, an apt summary."

Death frowns, "You’re not getting fourth level spells this level, though."

I raise my eyebrows at that, "Oh?"

Death shrugs, "Minimum caster level still applies. You need a caster level of seven to get a fourth level spell off. You're one short."

I consider that, "So I'll need to cast Death Knell at some point, then."

That makes Death cringe, so I ask, "Why the face?"

"It… hurts the soul.  Yours and your target's both. Not irreparably, but… " Death sighs, "... and I'm not supposed to give you instructions."

So that's why it has the Evil tag, "What determines which creatures have souls?"

Death gives me a very sad smile, "I was wondering when we'd reach that one."

I'm afraid I'm losing count. The number doesn't really matter much, and a lot's been going on. That's what, number seven? "I'll need the…" I sigh, "Right. But when Death himself tells me something is a bad idea, I'd do well to consider it carefully.  So I'll need an Ioun stone or something instead."

Death visibly relaxes, "That would be much better, yes."

Now that I'm less distracted, something Death said earlier is bugging me… "OK, so how'd the curses come about?"

"Oh, that… each of my siblings can have one prophet, but any deity can apply a blessing to any prophet; one per prophet per deity. But we get to decide what they are. Most of the time we don't bother with each other's prophets, but…."

"So the 'wanton wench' package is… what, technically a blessing of extreme femininity?"

"Technically, yes. And red hair is a valuable rarity, and albinism is a mark from the pantheon that you're special, and so on. Which is also part of why it can't directly hurt you."

There are no words for how messed up that is. "Well, I’m done, so…"

Death waves, "Be seeing you," and the office fades away.