Wish You Were Sober

Saturday September 4th, 2021

SIRIUS

The sound of the shower running drew Sirius out of his fitful sleep. He groaned as he rolled over bringing his pillow over his face. His head was pounding and the light from the window burned his eyes. He hadn't realized how drunk he had gotten last night. He felt as though a bus had run him over repeatedly. Sirius tried to recall exactly what had happened for him to end up so hungover.

Fuck, Sirius thought. Remus.

Flashes of the lights cascading the man's face flooded Sirius' memory. Remus looked immaculate last night and hadn't even been trying – he had worn that bloody moon phase sweater for Merlin's sake.

"You're gorgeous, Moony."

"Moony? What does that mean?"

"You know, like your jumper."

Sirius pressed his pillow onto his face and briefly wondered how long it would take for him to suffocate. He let out an aggravated yell. Why had he said that to Remus? That was so stupid of him to do. He threw the pullow onto the floor deciding he didn't need to add James finding him dead to his list of problems.

"Morning, Princess," James laughed. "About time."

"Fuck off," Sirius groaned. "If I could stand up without vomiting, you'd be so dead right now, mate."

James rolled his eyes. "Is that so, sleepyhead? Did you have fun with that blonde girl last night?"

"Wasn't a girl," Sirius ran his hand over his face.

"I beg your finest pardon?" James choked.

Sirius chuckled and rolled his eyes back at his friend. "They're non-binary, mate. And their name's Marlene. Honestly, I can't really remember what happened after meeting them. I think I blacked out."

James smirked. "Well, you did drink your weight in whatever that punch was and Remus was kind enough to drag you back here so I could bed that gorgeous rugby player."

Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes but his response was only half-hearted. "Good on you, mate."

"Anyways," James continued as he laced his maroon high-top Converse. "Remus and I are heading to breakfast together. Care to join us?"

"No." Sirius shook his head and answered a little too quickly. "I think I'm just going to shower and chug some water. I'll um… I'll catch up with you later."

"Are you okay, Sirius?" He couldn't fool James.

"Yeah, mate." Sirius cleared his throat. "I'm good."

"Alright then." James didn't press Sirius anymore, but he also didn't look convinced. "If you say so, text me if you need anything."

"I will. See you later." Sirius attempted a smile.

"Later." James got up, smiled back, and walked out the door.

When the door latched closed, Sirius pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them. Only one thought occupied his mind. 

I'm in deep shit.

—-------

REMUS

Remus waited for James in the lobby of the dorm complex, thinking of last night's party. Part of him begged for James to leave Sirius behind however he was a little curious to see how the man would act toward him after what he had said the night before.

He's straight, Remus reminded himself bitterly. And he was drunk.

Remus' phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket to see that his mother was calling him. He answered the call and held his phone up so his mom could see his face.

"Bore da, momma," Remus smiled brightly.

"Bore da, cariad," His mother's sweet voice answered. "How are you, my love?"

"Really good, momma." Remus tried to sound as if that was the absolute truth. "I uh..I went to a party with some friends last night."

"Oh, mabi fi, that's wonderful!" Hope exclaimed. "Who are these new friends of yours?"

Remus did his best to keep his smile. He didn't want her to know what had happened between him and Sirius. It might get her hopes up. "I met James and Sirius earlier this week. They share the dorm room connected to mine. And I met Lily and Cas last night at the party."

Hope was beaming. "That's great, Remus! This will be good for you, mabi fi. I'm so glad you have this fresh start."

"I'm glad too, momma." Remus looked up to see James stepping out of the lift. "I have to go now. James and I are getting breakfast."

"Oh, can't I say hi to him, cariad?" Hope leaned closer to the screen as if that would help her see out of frame.

"Yeah, cariad," James joked as he approached. "Can't she say hi to the amazing James Potter?" He pretended to plead.

Remus chuckled. "Well, now it'd be rude not to." He tilted his phone as James leaned into the frame. "Momma, this is James. James, my mom, Hope."

James smiled and waved. "Hello, Mrs. Lupin, aren't you looking rather lovely this morning! You know, your son here is just the absolute best." He put his arm around Remus' shoulders. "He made sure my idiot of a best friend, Sirius, made it back to the dorm last night so I could chat up some guys. Real chivalrous lad you've got here."

Hope beamed at Remus with a significant smile that Remus took to mean "You've found another one," before she chuckled at James' remark. "Well, I did raise a very caring boy. Anyway, I'll let you two get to breakfast."

"Iawn, momma," Remus smiled. "I'll talk to you later. Love you."

"I love you too, mabi fi," Hope smiled as she ended the call.

Remus looked at James and smiled. "Breakfast then?"

"Of course, mah-bee fee," James smirked, attempting a bad Welsh accent. "I didn't know your mom spoke Welsh."

"She was born and raised in Wales…" Remus rolled his eyes as he chuckled.

"Do you speak Welsh, then?" James asked as they made their way toward the dining hall.

"For the most part," Remus explained. "My first language is Welsh but I went to an English primary school so I had to learn English too."

James and Remus entered the dining hall and made their way to the breakfast line.

"Makes sense," James said decisively. "That's sort of how my family is too. Just, they're from Saudi Arabia, not Wales."

Remus let out a small laugh. "You speak some Arabic, then?"

James nodded, reaching for a tray. "Anyway, I wanted to thank you again for getting Sirius back to the dorm last night. I don't know what got into him…" James piled breakfast pastries onto his tray.

Remus turned his focus away from James hoping that his face wasn't as red as it felt. He cleared his throat. "It was no problem." Remus felt a sudden need to quickly change the subject. "So, who was that bloke that you were with last night?"

James' face was overcome with a grin. "Gideon Prewitt. He's a second-year on the rugby team."

Remus smiled at the pride in James' voice as they made their way to an empty table. "Nice one mate. You have a good time, then?"

"I sure did," James said around a bite of his donut. "Not nearly as good a night as Sirius had, though." He chuckled and shook his head.

"Oh?" Remus' heartbeat quicked with the thought of Sirius telling James what had happened between them.

James swallowed. "Yeah, he had so much fun he can't even remember how his night ended." James tilted his head at Remus. "You alright, mate?"

"He doesn't remember what happened last night?" Remus asked quickly, ignoring James' concerned look.

"Guess not," James continued slowly. "Apparently all he remembers is meeting Marlene, the person he was with by the drinks, but not what happened after that."

"Oh," Remus said again. He took a drink of his tea.

"How far do you think he got?" James joked but it was just white noise to Remus.

Sirius didn't remember what he had said under the star-lit sky or back in the dorm. Remus didn't know how he should feel. He had kind of hoped something more would happen between them.

James nudged Remus with his elbow. "Are you sure you're alright, Remus?"

Remus' attention snapped back to the present. "Yeah, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

After all, the last thing he needed was an overdramatic love life. Maybe Sirius' inability to remember the party was for the best.

—-------

Wednesday September 8th, 2021

REMUS

Remus sat at the corner table by the window in the campus cafe. They had only had three days of classes and he was already swamped with homework. Remus typed away on his computer, busy with what felt like the hundredth "get to know you" assignment of the week. He, James, and Sirius had all been so busy adjusting to their schedules that Remus hadn't seen either of them except for quick passing moments in their shared bathroom since the weekend. Remus was partly relieved for that. He had finally stopped replaying Sirius' words in his mind; he was a little grateful for the space. However, that space didn't last very long because who would saunter into the cafe right as Remus' guard was down other than Sirius fucking Black himself.

Sirius' Doc Martins knocked on the ground and the pins on his leather jacket rattled as he made his entrance. Remus couldn't help but watch the man as he ordered whatever it was that he did at a coffee shop. He found himself wondering how Sirius liked his coffee. Did he like it black or with a splash of milk? Did he add hazelnut or nutmeg? Did he-

"Oh, hey, Remus!" Sirius called as he turned away from the register.

Remus tried to keep his composure. "Hi, Sirius. You need a place to sit, mate?"

Sirius smiled his gorgeous smile. "As long as you don't mind me crashing the party," He sat on the chair opposite Remus and leaned back in that carelessly nonchalant way that was only achievable by Sirius Black. He draped his arm on the back of his chair and nodded toward Remus' computer. "What are you working on?"

"Oh you know, just another prompt asking me about who I am as a person," Remus chuckled. "I feel like I've explained my being so much I'm losing all my meaning."

Sirius let out a laugh that seemed to glide through the air and grace Remus with the pleasure of hearing it. "I get that, mate. If I have to explain my hobbies and nuances one more time I may just drop out."

"Mango Drangoufruit with lemonade for Sirius?" Called the barista with teal hair and pride pins on their apron.

"I'll be right back," Sirius muttered as he went to retrieve his very much pink drink.

There goes that mystery, Remus thought. He took a sip of his tea as Sirius made his way back to the table.

Sirius noticed the amused look on Remus' face. "What?"

Remus shook his head and smirked. "Nothing. How's your drink?"

"Just fine, thank you very much," Sirius said indignantly. "Not all of us like bloody black coffee. It's too bitter."

"Whatever you say," Remus took another drink. "Besides, mine's tea anyway. It's still black, but it's tea."

"Still too bitter," Sirius stated. "Anyway, how have your classes been? I've barely seen you since the weekend."

"My classes have been good," Remus answered. "I like my professors so far. I actually have to go in a few catch my speech class."

"Wait, who do you have?" Sirius perked up like a dog hearing its name.

"Uh…Pamona Sprout, I believe," Remus recalled.

Sirius gasped dramatically. "No way, me too. We can go together."

"Really?" Remus responded trying to maintain his expression. "That's awesome, we'll have a familiar face then."

"Let's go, then," Sirius began to stand. "We only have like 15 minutes and we do have to walk across campus.

"Fair enough," Remus said, starting to pack up his things. In the process of doing so, he knocked his book onto the floor.

"I got it," they both said as they bent down to pick it up. Their hands brushed as they reached for the novel.

Sirius quickly pulled his hand away and cleared his throat as Remus put the book in his bag. "Let's go, shall we?"

Remus ignored the electricity that passed through their touch and followed the man out of the building.

—-------

Tuesday October 19th, 2021

LILY

Lily loved this time of year: sitting in the library by one of the big windows overlooking the grounds, sipping her hot tea in her favorite sweater with her earbuds blasting Girl in Red, watching warm-colored leaves fly through the air as the wind rustled the trees. Yes, Lily loved autumn.

She currently had her stuff sprawled out over the table in the library trying to piece together her first draft of a story for her writing course. They had another week to have it done and she definitely had other things she should be working on but she couldn't bring herself to even look at her statistics notes to figure out the homework. She was so invested in her work that she didn't see Remus walking toward her and she jumped when he tapped her shoulder.

Remus chuckled. "Hey, Lily. How's the draft coming along?"

Lily took out one of her earbuds. "Oh, it's going. There are a couple of things that I'm just not sure about, but hey, it is a rough draft."

"Totally understand that," Remus placed his bag on the floor next to one of the chairs. "Mind if I join you for a bit?"

"Not at all!" Lily smiled starting to pile up some of her stuff. "Here, I'll move this out of your way."

Remus pulled his laptop out of his bag along with a black notebook and pencil. "Thanks."

The two of them worked in silence for a good twenty minutes and Lily was finally starting to feel like her draft was getting closer to being down when Remus spoke up. "Hey, Lily, can I ask you something?"

Lily looked up from her work with a slightly worried expression. They hadn't known each other that long and Remus didn't seem the type to bare his soul to people he didn't know very well. "Sure?"

Remus took a deep breath. "From one gay to another, if you had a crush on a straight friend, what would you do?"

"Oh, Remus," Lily tilted her head sympathetically and sat down in the chair next to him. She knew she had sensed something between Remus and Sirius back at the welcome party.

"I know, I know," Remus rubbed his hands over his face. "Don't give me that look."

"Speaking from experience," Lily began, "trying to push those emotions down and bottle them up is really unhealthy. But I also know that you can't just confess your feelings to a straight friend, especially if you just met, let's say, a little over a month ago," Lily eyed him knowingly. 

"Fuck, am I really that obvious?" Remus' face turned pink.

"Not really," Lily admitted. "I'm just observant. Besides, are you even sure Sirius is straight, I mean, look at him. He gives off major chaotic-bisexual vibes."

"I don't know," Remus shook his head. "It was kind of implied that he was straight when we first met. And I've only ever seen or heard him express attraction towards women. James is pansexual so it's not like it would be weird for them to talk about men if they both liked them but Sirius just doesn't."

"Fair enough," Lily concluded. She was the first to admit that looks could be deceiving. Hell, she was often confused for a straight girl.

"I just don't know what to do," Remus continued. "My only options are pretty much just confess or get over it. And I mean, it's not that big of a crush, so I should probably just get over it."

Lily nodded. "I mean if that's what you think is best. But Remus, sometimes we have to take risks that others have the luxury of not even having to consider. I know it's scary, but oftentimes it's worth it in the end."

Remus gave her a small smile. "Thanks, Lily."

"Any time, Remus," Lily said, and she meant it. She deeply valued the friendship she was finding in Remus, he made actually going to class worth it. Lily went to put her earbuds back in.

"What are you listening to?" Remus asked curiously.

"Girl in Red," Lily offered an earbud to him. "Want to listen?"

Remus accepted the earbud and the intro to We Fell In Love In October consumed the quiet.