Antidote

“Half a year?”I turned to look at him. A confident smile appeared on Jiyod’s face. He nudged his horse to come closer to me, then leaned in slightly and whispered softly.“You’ve brought the military supplies all the way here yourself… Why drag this out any longer?”“We’ve been dragging it out until now?”“Hahaha! Young Duke of Karlac. You saw it too, didn’t you? Military funds are like a sack of flour that’s already burst. By the time they reach here, there’s nothing left to spill.”“That’s why I came personally.”“I know.”He looked at me.At that moment, the sun suddenly sprang up between the jagged peaks of the mountains. Golden-red rays scattered in all directions. I was mesmerized and stared at the dawn rising between the mountain ranges for a long time. The morning star was still visible in the deep blue western sky, and the dawn was gradually illuminating the eastern sky.“Sir Jiyod, look at that….”I whispered as I turned my head towards Jiyod.My body stiffened.He wasn’t looking at the dawn; he was looking at me. He didn’t even blink. His gray eyes were so clear that I could see right through them….And then the dream ended.The clothes and blanket tangled around my limbs felt heavy. I struggled to free myself, lingering in the aftermath of the dream for a long time.My entire body was drenched in sweat. My fingers were still sticky. My back tingled. His piercing gaze, as if it were still in front of me, was vivid. But soon, a headache came, and that vivid image blurred.I held my head and sat up in bed. My knees felt weak. As I placed my feet on the floor, they got caught on the coat I had carelessly tossed aside the night before. At the same time, something hard nudged against my toes.“?”I bent down and fumbled around the floor with my hand.My fingers touched something round beyond the fabric. I flipped the coat over and retrieved it.“Oh.”It was the vial the wizard had given me yesterday. I carefully cradled it in both hands and hid it under my pillow.I dressed and stepped outside.The chilly air lingered in the empty corridor. I hunched my shoulders and headed to the well. The dark dawn star dimly illuminated the well. I could hear the sound of water flowing. Water overflowing from the well trickled between the tiles, with a thin layer of frost on top. The water was as cold as ice. I dipped my fingers in the water and quickly pulled them out, startled.I filled a bucket with water and returned to the room. The fire in the brazier by the bed was dying out. I picked up the poker and stirred the coals. Faint embers flared up. I placed the water beside the brazier and waited a long time until it was slightly lukewarm.After washing my face and hands, I applied ointment to my wounds. When I spread the salve generously on my chapped lips, the stinging pain subsided.As I left the room, I replayed the dream in my mind over and over again.The crimson mountain range and the golden dawn, the grand quartz veins stretching endlessly, and Jiyod’s face as he looked at me, with his cape fluttering behind him….What have I forgotten?What has madness taken from me?Is this dream just a product of my madness? Or, could it be… something real?***The news came out of the blue.Lister, who had gone to inspect the repairs on the outer wall, returned in less than three hours, supported by the knights. I watched with a sour expression as he was carried to bed, cursing under his breath.Wizards and apothecaries bustled in and out of the inner chamber.I heard he had fallen down the stairs while descending from the wall.The situation had been understood, but it was still a mystery. Though Lister was an insufferable bastard, he was skilled enough as a knight. He hadn’t become a court knight just because of Lisbet’s backing. And yet, he fell down the stairs?“It’s not a serious injury. However, your knee took a hit, so you’ll need to be careful for a while. No alcohol….”The elderly Duke of Karlac wizard was explaining something to Lister. An apothecary applied ointment to Lister’s knee and wrapped it in bandages. The sharp smell of medicine lingered in his room.Lister kept muttering curses. He beckoned to me.“Bring me some water.”I silently poured water into a cup and handed it to him. After drinking a few sips, Lister handed the cup back to me.“What happened?”Unable to contain my curiosity, I blurted out the question. Lister turned his head to look at me, his brow furrowed.“Why? Are you actually worried?”“Well….”Not really, but… I am curious.As I hesitated to answer, Lister’s face twisted even more. He ground his teeth and cursed again.“Damn it! Something definitely grabbed my ankle! There’s no doubt!”“…Who would grab your ankle on the stairs? You must have tripped on something.”“That’s nonsense! Why would I trip on the stairs?”“Maybe you were rushing down, not paying attention like you usually do….”“Bullshit! No way!”He barked and thrashed about furiously. The apothecary, who was wrapping his knee in bandages, looked completely fed up.Lister clung to me all day, demanding this and that, telling me to bring this and take away that. He asked me to cover him with more blankets, then ten minutes later, he said he was too hot and asked me to take them off again. When I got annoyed, he had the nerve to scold me, saying how dare I complain to an injured man. In the end, I kept my mouth shut and tended to his every whim. It felt like I was about to have to spoon-feed him. He acted as if all his limbs were broken. If that were truly the case, I might have been more willing to do this.By the evening, Lister seemed quite pleased with my obedience and calmed down.At dinner, he whined for a long time, telling me to bring this dish, cut that meat—like a five-year-old child (it seemed his injury was more to his frontal lobe than his knee). Suddenly, he looked at me suspiciously.“Hey, why are you being so quiet?”“What?”When I gave him a puzzled look, Lister scratched his chin and glanced at me.“Surely you’re not pitying me because I’m injured….”“How can a slave pity their master?”He chuckled at my retort.“That’s true.”Then he slid a goose leg from his plate over to mine.“Eat it. If my sister comes back and sees how thin you are, she’ll kill me.”Does he really know that well and still can’t stop tormenting me? Anger and discomfort surged within me, but I kept my face neutral, swallowing down the emotions as I ate the food he offered. He was right. When Lisbet returns, this ordeal will finally be over. Next winter, I’ll make sure to ask her to take me with her to Mobic Synen.By the time I helped him to his bedroom, I was utterly exhausted. He pressed his heavy body against mine so hard that I nearly buckled under the weight. I almost fell several times. Since he had only injured one knee, he should have been able to walk, but Lister spread his legs wide, claiming he couldn’t move, making it even harder for me. When I suggested calling a stronger servant or a squire, he stubbornly refused, saying there was no need to call anyone else when he had his slave.I wiped the cold sweat off my temples and stepped back from his bed.“Phew, phew. Are we done now?”“The pillow is uncomfortable; adjust its position.”“…”I moved his pillow slightly higher with an irritated hand.“Just pull the blanket up to my waist.”When I pulled the thick feather blanket up to his waist, he suddenly grabbed my wrist. Goosebumps ran down my spine. I tried to pull my hand away, but he was stronger than I was. Instead, he tightened his grip.“W-What’s wrong?”My voice trembled.“You… Is your injury from before okay?”He asked, pulling me closer. His question barely registered as I desperately tried to free my hand.“I’m fine! So, let go!”“Let me see.”“W-What?”“Your injury. Let me see.”“No!”“Hurry up! I’m just worried about you.”Then, with his other hand, he grabbed my belt. He started to tug as if trying to lift my shirt. Panicked, I slapped his hand away.“No! Stop it!”“It’s not like you’ll lose anything by showing it.”Lister forcefully pulled up both my shirt and tunic together. The hem of my shirt tore as the loose belt was pushed upward, exposing my skin. In the end, I gave up trying to escape and clenched my teeth.Lister’s eyes roamed over my bare skin.“What… It’s healed already. It doesn’t seem like it was that bad in the first place.”As he spoke, he ran his hand over the faint bruise on my side. An uncomfortable shiver crept up from where he touched. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I clenched my teeth and just breathed heavily.“T-That’s enough, right?”So, let go….My last words came out in a whisper, barely audible. Lister looked down at me for a moment.“You’re acting like you’ve been harassed by a pervert….”He grumbled as he finally released my wrist. I quickly pulled back and yanked my shirt down. The loosened belt threatened to slip down, so I grabbed it and bolted out of his room without looking back.My legs moved on their own. My pace quickened until I was almost running. I wasn’t thinking about anything. Or maybe too many thoughts were swirling around at once, making it feel like I wasn’t thinking at all.The layout of the Duke of Karlac’s castle was etched deeply in my mind, and it seemed that my madness hadn’t stripped that from the memory circuits in my temporal lobe. My feet found their way instinctively.Gasping for breath, I ran along the narrow road beside the empty outer wall, heading toward the deserted courtyard. The burning sunset was sinking behind the western blue gate.Golden clouds blazed in the sky. The cold air cooled the sweat on the back of my neck.I panted heavily. The courtyard was silent, and the cold wind swirled quickly between the columns of the corridor. Only then did I feel the throbbing pain in my left ankle.I limped toward the fountain and perched on its edge. My breathing gradually slowed. The frenzied beating of my heart soon returned to its normal rhythm.I gazed at the sunset that peeked through the tall buildings standing upright. The sun slowly sank beneath the western walls. The clouds, once blazing in golden hues, gradually changed colors to shades of purple, violet, and navy. The colors of the buildings shifted along with them. A violet darkness gently settled over the Duke of Karlac’s castle.I heard footsteps approaching.I wasn’t scared at all because I could now distinguish whose footsteps they were.The footsteps drew nearer slowly and stopped in front of me.I looked up.Jiyod was standing there.He had a smiling face.He knelt lightly on one knee and placed his hand on top of mine.“Is this like some kind of promise? To meet here every day when the sun sets? A secret rendezvous?”He joked like that, then lifted my hand and kissed the knuckle of my finger with a soft sound. His hand slowly traced my waist, wrapping his arm around me. Then, he gently pulled me up. I easily fell into his arms. Our chests pressed together, sharing warmth. His rough hand brushed my cheek.“Your skin is cold.”Then, he cupped my face with both hands. His hands were warm. The heat spread, making my face flush. It was embarrassing, but more than that, I liked the warmth coming from his hands.“How did you know I was here?”It was as if he’d been waiting for me here all day….Instead of answering, Jiyod simply smiled.“Let’s do this.”He intertwined his fingers with mine, holding them tightly. Then, with his other hand, he took out a coin from his pocket. It was a copper coin from decades ago, no longer in use. He placed it inside the fountain.“I’ll leave this here. If you want to see me, flip it over to the other side. Then I’ll wait for you here after sunset.”I looked up at him as if entranced.“But you’re busy… What if I flip the coin, but you don’t check it?”“You don’t need to worry about that. I’ll check it every day. You just flip the coin whenever you want to see me.”Then, he leaned down and kissed my forehead. The sensation of his lips made my body tremble.He let out a low sigh. It sounded both satisfied and somewhat incomplete.“Put your arms around my waist.”He tapped my shoulder with his fingers, urging me.“I’d like you to hold me. I’ve been very busy, you know. The elders of the Triumvirate are so….”He trailed off briefly.“Well, anyway. There are a lot of troublesome matters. Returning to the Duke of Karlac after two years, so much has changed… Even the chancellor, I really don’t like her. I’m sure you don’t either. So, please, comfort me a little.”Hesitating, I opened my arms and wrapped them around his broad chest. Our upper bodies pressed together, and my arms encircled his solid torso. Jiyod rested his chin on top of my head.“Hug me tighter. Lean your cheek against my chest and show some affection. Like we’re lovers reunited after a thousand years… huh?”He coaxed me, like one would soothe a cat. My face flushed, and I muttered under my breath.“And what about you?”My question made him burst into laughter. His body shook within my embrace.“If I did what I wanted, you’d be crushed. That’s why I’m holding back.”He couldn’t stop laughing, chuckling repeatedly, then resumed gently stroking the back of my head. Finally, unable to resist, he grabbed my chin and pressed his lips to my forehead. His hot tongue licked my brow. Then, he sucked on my upper lip.“Open your mouth and stick out your tongue. I’ll suck on it thoroughly….”He murmured in a low voice.A shiver ran down my spine, and at the same time, my body heated up. I couldn’t help but recall writhing alone in bed a few nights ago, thinking of his touch. A flame ignited deep in my belly. My lungs churned under my ribs.“Why are you like this? Why are you making that cute face again?”Jiyod asked, brushing his lips against mine.“What were you thinking about to turn so red?”His hand touched my back. Slowly, his hand moved up and down a few times, then pressed against my tailbone.“Ah….”I let out a low moan.Taking advantage of my parted lips, Jiyod swiftly covered them with his own.The kiss lasted a long time. I clung to him, losing my senses. It felt like my lungs were filling with water, suffocating me. Every time his tongue delved deep into my mouth, my knees wobbled. The sound of our tongues rubbing together reverberated loudly. My ears and neck grew hot.I found myself rising onto my toes. Even though I stood on tiptoes, it wasn’t enough, so Jiyod lifted me up by the waist with one arm. The kiss became more intense. As I gasped for air, he lightly bit the tip of my tongue. My waist quivered.It felt like a thousand years had passed….My head spun.When our lips finally parted, I let my head drop limply. My limbs were weak and slack. If he hadn’t been holding me, I would’ve collapsed to the floor.Yet, the flame inside me didn’t go out.I couldn’t shake the memory of soothing myself alone, swirling endlessly in my mind.“How’s your wound?”Jiyod asked as he pressed his lips to the end of my left eyebrow.“It’s fine…”“Are you applying the ointment regularly?”I nodded absentmindedly. My breath trembled, and every time his lips brushed against my skin, my shoulders twitched involuntarily.It took me a while to finally calm down.As the dark clouds that had filled my skull slowly cleared and my mind became a bit clearer, a wave of embarrassment rushed in, heating up my face. Jiyod lightly bit my cheek, then quickly let go and started sucking on my lower lip again.“What about that young brat from Glenburg? I heard he wasn’t seriously hurt… Is he still bothering you?”At that moment, Lister’s image flashed through my mind.I looked up at Jiyod. A smile played at the corners of his long eyes.At that moment, Lister’s shout echoed in my mind.“Something grabbed my ankle! I’m sure of it!”I glanced at Jiyod suspiciously. He pulled his lips away and whispered, brushing his thumb against the corner of my eye.“Why are you looking at me like that?”“…What kind of look did I give you?”“You looked at me as if I were a very bad man.”Then he kissed the corner of my eye again. His kisses fell persistently all over my face. “Who else could be as devoted to you as I am?” he murmured as he sucked on my earlobe.“I just… wondered if you were the one who grabbed Lister’s ankle.”At my words, Jiyod buried his nose in the top of my head and chuckled for a while. After some time, he softly caressed my chin and looked down at me.“What nonsense is that? Do you think I hid on the stairs like a stray cat and grabbed that guy’s ankle?”“That’s not what I meant…”Jiyod laughed again. There was a small sound as his lips touched mine. He pulled away.“I have to go now.”His hand lingered on my shoulder, stroking it as if reluctant to leave. Even then, he kissed me several more times, finally stealing a long kiss before pulling away.“Don’t forget to flip the coin. I’ll always check.”With those words, he turned around. The firm, warm chest that had pressed against mine was replaced by a cool breeze seeping in. I clenched my hand into a fist and pressed it hard against my left chest. I watched as his figure and the hem of his black cloak disappeared into the shadows of the corridor. The shadows spread over the hallway, and his figure completely vanished.I stared at the copper coin lying alone inside the dry fountain for a long time. The dream I had the other night, the one where I wandered in a haze, came back to me.The transparent lake, the crimson mountains, the quartz mine, the black fortress, the golden dawn, and his burning gaze fixed on me…I thought it was a good thing I didn’t ask Jiyod about them. If they were merely the products of my madness, I couldn’t bear the thought.***I spent the night almost entirely awake. Long before dawn, I finally rose from the bed.A thick darkness was still spread across the floor. I groped for the glass lamp at my bedside and tilted it. The oil inside swayed slightly. When I lit the lamp, a faint light dimly illuminated the surroundings.I felt sluggish, having spent hours repeatedly drifting in and out of shallow sleep. Even in the dull rest, the thoughts that wouldn’t break off continued to circle my mind. The copper coin lying inside the dry fountain resurfaced in my head.I was confused.Because of the chatter I overheard from the maids cleaning the stained glass ceiling in the dining hall yesterday evening. The two women, busy with their work high up on ladders, didn’t notice me standing outside the hallway leading to the dining room.Their conversation lingered in my ears, as vivid as if it were still happening.“When is the Lord of Ipsen leaving Duke of Karlac? Will he stay past winter? I heard the Duke hates having that foreigner inside the inner walls. They say the court is like walking on thin ice every day, and the Chancellor outright asked him when he was planning to leave. Well, who would dare to kick him out before the Grand Duke returns? The court knights are trembling because his men are patrolling inside the walls… No matter his birth, it’s true that the Lord of Ipsen is a war hero. Maybe he’ll leave before spring? I heard there’s talk of sending him to keep the Northern Army of York in check.”After a while, their voices grew quieter.“What do you think keeps him here at Duke of Karlac, enduring such treatment?”“Isn’t it obvious…?”That thought broke off.I sat up in bed.I took the lamp and stepped out into the hallway. The hour was closer to night than dawn, the mansion still asleep, steeped in quiet. The dim lamp light faintly illuminated the corridor.My steps wavered, stumbling several times as if drunk, then halting repeatedly. I stopped midway down the corridor, then moved forward again, only to stop once more and stare at the dark wall for a long time.Finally, my feet reached the end of the corridor. The emblems of Duke of Karlac and Glenburg, engraved side by side on the surface of the door, gleamed in the lamplight. I stared at the Duke of Karlac’s emblem, two crossed bows, for a long time.In the past, I once bore this emblem on my clothes. Alongside the Guntram emblem, depicting an arrow piercing a heart.The late Duke of Karlac had no offspring.Instead, he cherished me, his nephew. I recalled the joy and elation I felt when he promised me the Guntram title, traditionally given to the heir. Those glorious days when I believed everything belonging to the Duke of Karlac would become mine…I dropped my head sadly.My fingers, which had been tracing the Duke of Karlac’s emblem engraved on the glass door, fell limply.I pushed the door open and stepped outside. The cold, damp air rushed in, seeping through my collar. It seemed like it was about to snow again. I hunched my shoulders and walked briskly. The eastern sky was beginning to lighten faintly. The clouds were tinged with a pale, milky hue, and a faint fragment of golden dawn illuminated the red tower of the eastern gate.My pace quickened, then slowed, then quickened again.My steps were like those of a madman, just as my mind was filled with madness.I passed through the path between the camellia trees with their glossy green leaves. As I neared the colonnade, my steps grew heavier.I desperately tried to revive my memories, straining my mind, ignoring the headache that gnawed at my brain like a worm. I tried to piece together my memories like a blind man feeling an elephant’s leg. But what I was searching for wasn’t there in my fragmented recollections.Suddenly, fear weighed heavily on my shoulders from both sides.My memory is incomplete.No one knows when the madness will strike again. Even the elder wizard had clicked his tongue in disapproval.I wanted to ask someone, anyone, what it was that I had forgotten.But since that day two years ago, all those I could call friends had either left the Duke of Karlac or died.The elderly cook, who always made a strange face when he saw me, seemed to know something, but the idea of grabbing him and asking what relationship I had with the Lord of Ipsen was unimaginable. Neither Lister, who grimaced at the mere mention of Ipsen, nor Lisbet, who wasn’t here, could I ask such a question.It felt as though someone was gripping my heart tightly with five fingers.I stood still, panting heavily.Was my madness returning now? The fear surged over me like a rising tide.After a long while, I clutched the fabric near my chest and took a deep breath. Amusingly, what came to mind was the face of that rogue. The face that had knelt in front of me, casually touching my foot with his bare hands… The sensation of him boldly sucking on my toes came back to me vividly. My cheeks grew hot.I finally reached the fountain.I lowered my head and looked down at the fountain.In the dry basin, there was a single copper coin, gleaming quietly among the grains of sand.I knelt and reached out my hand. My fingers brushed against the cold metal. After hesitating for a long time, I flipped it over. The arrowhead pattern was clearly visible on the back of the coin. I stared at it, then bit my lip and flipped it over again. This time, the side with the bow and arrow appeared.My thoughts wandered through the foggy memories.I recalled the quartz mine from six years ago that Jiyod had mentioned. The brilliant golden dawn I had seen in my dream. But no matter how hard I tried to recall, to wander through, to remember the past, my thoughts always ended up at that nightmare two years ago—the night my madness first erupted and, fortunately, has yet to resurface.My eyes began to sting with tears. I lifted my hand and glared at my palm with loathing.The hand that had pushed my father down.The broken body of my father, crumpled like a piece of paper at the bottom of the long staircase.I lowered my hand again.The rough marble tiles and the cold copper coin brushed against my fingers.I stood up.I mustn’t meet him.This is wrong.I’m nothing but a lowly slave, a madman, and a traitor who killed my own father with these hands.Even if he and I had once been in desperate love, I must no longer hope for it. No matter how comforting his embrace, how warm his hands, how sweet his lips, they were not meant for me.And what about him? A bastard, half-blood of Ipsen, born of a slave. Besides, he’s a man who will leave the Duke of Karlac as soon as winter ends.I slowly turned away from the fountain and began to leave the colonnade. But just before exiting the passage, my steps halted.I took a deep breath, then quickly turned back and ran to the fountain. The throbbing in my left foot didn’t even cross my mind. I bent down and picked up the coin. I clutched the cold metal tightly until my warmth seeped into it. Then I set it down again, with the arrowhead side up.At that moment, a wave of sorrow surged through me.Everything surrounding me felt sorrowful, and at the same time, I wanted to kill this madness within me. But what could I do, for this madness was, after all, a part of me?Just until this winter ends, I told myself.I made up my mind firmly.The dawn was breaking over the eastern gate. The golden morning sunlight bathed the entire eastern wall in a reddish glow. The purple clouds slowly brightened, and the sky began to lighten. I looked at it and slowly made my way back to the Glenburg manor.The manor was waking up, preparing for the day. Servants bustled through the colonnades and corridors. I heard the sound of armored knights moving about in the courtyard.I headed to the kitchen. The cook gave me soup made of corn and oats, and soft bread with raisins. The elderly cook even cut me a piece of butter.The stormy sea that had been raging in my mind was now strangely calm.I thought of the copper coin I had flipped. And then, after a moment, I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and headed for Lister’s quarters.Lister was unusually quiet. I figured he must have felt guilty for tearing my clothes last night, insisting on inspecting my wound. I thought that as I silently cleaned his hands and feet and brushed his hair.As I swallowed a round pill, I thought about my madness, my headaches, and the worm in my brain.But soon, the medicine took effect, and I forgot everything.