Hard Mode Idol

I figured I might as well listen to his laments and outbursts, maybe it would help relieve some stress. He doesn’t seem like the type to get physically violent, so my stamina shouldn’t drain too much.

Since knocking would obviously lead to rejection, I simply opened the door. The unlocked door swung open. Park Yoochan seemed startled by the sudden opening, jerking his chin upwards.

“……I came here first.”

“I know. I followed you.”

“I’m sorry, but if you have something to say, let’s discuss it another time.”

His voice sounded drained. Despite his large stature, the way he contorted his body into a hunched position made him look like a wounded animal. Quite pitiful, really. In my eyes, they’re all just kids. Even though Park Yoochan is considered the leader, he’s only 22.

A child whose entire life within the confines of the company revolved around singing and dancing. It was obvious he would be emotionally immature for his age. So, it’s only natural for him to resent the person who took the place of someone he depended on.

In fact, it’s more surprising that one member was still neutral towards me. Did he dislike the former leader?

I closed the vocal room door and carefully locked it. Now, even if he shouts, no one outside will hear.

“Why are you hunched over alone like this? It’s really dangerous to wallow by yourself. You might erupt eventually, you know?”

“It has nothing to do with you.”

“I seem to be the cause, so it does concern me.”

I sat across from him in the same hunched position, hugging my knees. Due to our height difference, I had to look up slightly, but everyone here is bigger than me anyway.

In my past life, I stopped growing around 175cm. Considering how I was constantly bullied and looked down upon as a child, I take pride in having grown that tall. I don’t know how tall I’ll be this time around.

Ah, my mind keeps wandering. Should I start the conversation?

“Did you depend on him a lot?”

“……I already told you, let’s talk another time. Don’t you understand?”

“Are you scared of being left alone? Or are you upset about feeling abandoned? Or maybe you saw another side of that person?”

Park Yoochan’s eyes turned crimson as he glared fiercely at me. People who wallow alone tend to let their insides fester without realizing it. Being an idol is already difficult enough; what if he bottled everything up and ran away?

Everything is hard at first, including letting go of stress. I deliberately triggered Park Yoochan so I could serve as an emotional punching bag. Anyone would erupt if the person they dislike suddenly acts overly familiar right in front of them. Especially if it’s about something they’ve been avoiding.

“I was thinking about why you were so shaken earlier. You realized, regardless of whether I came or not, that he’s out, didn’t you? That what the director told me is the truth.”

The color drained from his face. Click, it sounded like a taut trigger being pulled. Park Yoochan scraped his lower lip with his top teeth.

Ah, what if he draws blood? I should nip this habit in the bud. It’ll be troublesome if he keeps doing that after debuting.

When I reached out to touch his lower lip, he flinched violently, straightening his upper body. Park Yoochan’s mouth was agape, his lips now reddened. Looking closer, it seems he does this often, given how rough they look.

Staring at Park Yoochan’s lips, I pulled the trigger a bit further.

“You realized I was cast as a visual member, not a main vocal, didn’t you? Maybe they’re still looking for a replacement main vocal for him.”

Lee Seoho believes whatever he wants to believe, like living in a field of flowers, but Park Yoochan seems capable of thinking. It appears he understood the implication of “the new member was cast as a visual.”  That’s why his mentality broke.

“Are you deliberately provoking me?”

“Yes. To help you vent stress. Feel free to say anything to me.”

“……Anything?”

“Literally anything. Whatever you’ve been holding back. You can even curse if you want.”

“……You’re telling me to vent at you?”

As expected, he’s quite smart. To reassure him that he can be completely open with me, I answered in a light tone, “Yes.” Park Yoochan stared at me for a moment before lowering his gaze and sighing softly.

“It’s not your fault……”

Park Yoochan buried his face in his hands, hanging his head low.

“I don’t understand the reason…… Why did Jaehyuk have to be kicked out? Why was he fired? It’s so frustrating that they won’t give a clear explanation. Of course, I thought it was because of you at first. That’s why I couldn’t speak up, because I thought I had to protect you……”

No. They sacrificed me to protect all of you. To be precise, I know I was sacrificed, but I have no intention of striking back. I recalled the director’s guilt-ridden expression when he looked at me. He’s a good person.

“The previous leader must have been a really good person. He gets good reviews everywhere.”

As much as they dislike me now. But so what? It’s something I can’t help, and it’s not like they targeted and harassed me. The timing was just unfortunate for all of us.

“Yes, he was a true leader who took great care of all of us. Not just the debut team, but he treated the trainees like his younger siblings too. Everyone trusted and followed Jaehyuk……”

“Maybe the reason is being hidden to protect you all from getting hurt. You know how kind the director is, right? He referred to you as ‘our kids’.”

“……I know. I really like and depend on him a lot too.”

“If someone as kind as the director is hiding something, then there must be a good reason for it. It may be hard for you to accept, but still.”

My intention was to provoke an outburst, but the mood has taken an entirely different turn. Is this…comforting? I’m really overstepping my role by trying to comfort someone. I may have volunteered to be a punching bag, but I have no talent for consolation. I think I messed this up.

“I did consider that possibility too. But the Jaehyuk I knew was truly a good kid……”

“Joon Jaehyuk is a good person. You like him, Seoho likes him, and even the people at the dorm all seemed to like him too. Someone like that couldn’t possibly be a bad person, right?”

This isn’t something I truly believe either. There are plenty of bad people among those who are well-liked. I haven’t met a single good person among the social climbers I’ve seen. Most just act nice because they have ulterior motives.

That’s how the people I’ve met were. There are truly good people, but only a small minority. I’ve seen them on the news. Doesn’t that imply that newsworthy acts are rare occurrences?

Still, if believing what he wants to believe helps his mental recovery, then I’ll just let him. He must have some doubts himself, which is why he’s beating himself up now, so I should stay positive.

What reason could there possibly be for such a supposedly good person to be suddenly fired? Park Yoochan must have arrived at the same conclusion as me – a personality issue. There’s no other explanation, no matter how much you think about it. He can’t accept it, so he’s reacting this way out of sheer disbelief and confusion.

Ah, I see now. He disliked me in a different way from Puppy. For Lee Seoho, it was literally ‘You chased our hyung away! Boo-hoo!’

But for Park Yoochan, I was ‘evidence.’ Evidence to doubt the former leader. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, whenever he thought of me, a hint of ‘what if…’ must have crossed his mind.

Day by day, as time passed and the director continued to persuade him, that glimmer of doubt gradually solidified into certainty. But he still couldn’t accept it, so he kept denying it, until finally meeting me today caused him to erupt.

Since he already had some doubts, my words resonated with him. If it were Puppy, he would have just yelled “Lies!” and thrown a tantrum.

“Yeah. He was a good person. You’re right. But then why was he fired……”

Oh dear. We’re back to square one. He has his own suspicions, so it can’t be helped. Park Yoochan rested his forehead on his arm, mouth sealed shut. It didn’t seem like he expected an answer to his rhetorical question. So I just sat silently, watching the top of his head.

After a long while hunched over, Park Yoochan let out a deep, drawn-out sigh. The part of his arm where his forehead had been was flushed red. He must have been pressing down hard.

“……I made a scene.”

Though the melancholic air still lingered, his expression had returned to a manufactured smile. He seemed to have calmed down enough to manage his expressions. Impressive. Is he really the type who can compose himself alone? I must have overstepped for no reason, since my involvement likely didn’t help at all.

But the stress still hasn’t been vented, has it? In the end, he just bottled it up again. Since I’ve already overstepped, should I overstep a bit more?

“Don’t you have anything else to say?”

“About what?”

“Just anything at all. You can say whatever. I don’t have any friends, so there’s no risk of it spreading.”

“Why don’t you have friends? You seem like you’d have many.”

“Really? Thank you for the compliment.”

Park Yoochan tilted his head as he looked at me. Just that simple tilt created a subtle atmosphere, probably because of his handsome looks. It must be nice being good-looking. I wonder if I would have been treated differently if I had a more striking appearance. My plain look probably contributed to the dismissive treatment I received.

“Did that come across as a compliment? I wasn’t complimenting you, I really think that way. Don’t you have many friends from school?”

“I don’t go to school. I only go between home and the company.”

“……You live just as bleakly as I do.”

I made my eyes wide as if surprised.

“You live bleakly, hyung? You seem quite sensitive to me though.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Just a feeling.”

Though he actually seems mentally fragile, I can’t say that outright, so I deflected by calling him sensitive instead. Park Yoochan let out a soft chuckle. For some reason, the atmosphere feels quite alright now? His expression has improved a lot too. It doesn’t seem necessary to keep poking and prodding him to “open up.”

“Since you’re feeling better now, hyung, I should get going. Kanghyun is waiting for me.”

“Baek Kanghyun?”

“Yes. He said he’d wait for me. He’s a really great hyung.”

“You’re something else. He’s not the type you can easily get close to. It’s difficult to become friends with him. He’s still awkward around us. It’s all because of Jaehyuk…oh, no, never mind.”

I shrugged and began to unfurl from my hunched position, about to stand up, when Park Yoochan called out to me.

“Haon.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He’s apologizing here too. This is the second apology I’ve received already. It’s like a “get an apology from each member” challenge. Not an unpleasant feeling, just strange.