Idol’s Childhood Friend

43 – If I Really Loved You

I ran without knowing why, and only then did I see the finish line, where there was the CSAT.

Most test takers who dream of going to college probably have a few moments where they have such sentiments.

You just spent your school days day by day, but before you know it, you will find yourself sitting in the college entrance exam hall solving problems.

With two weeks left before the CSAT, I couldn’t escape those feelings either.

The fact that the past 12 years were evaluated in just one day was meaningless in itself, but on the other hand, the feeling that it was just one of the many tests I had ever taken hit me even more strongly.

I just need to calmly do it at my own pace as usual. Let’s take our time and solve the problem in front of us step by step.

If I think about it, it was 12 years that I made it with that mindset, but my childhood friend definitely wouldn’t have been like that.

When you open your eyes, new records are being set.

If you sleep less. If you increase the time you sweat. If exposed to more content.

At that time, when such families were gathering together and drawing a new milestone in the entertainment industry, it was very natural for you to be told to do your best.

You must always smile, be kind, and the essence of an idol – shine on stage and try your best to fulfill the fantasies of your fans.

It is not too late to take a break even after everything has been achieved.

———That’s ridiculous.

-Minah, can you come meet me?

No one can live their best life at every moment.

+++

Let’s meet at the place we used to hang out in the past.

As soon as the phone call ended, I took my outerwear and came out of the reading room.

It was already 1 o’clock in the morning.

The air of late fall was unusually chilly.

It’s about a 20-minute walk.

There were as many as three reasons why I didn’t want to run, but as soon as the color of the traffic light changed, my legs were vigorously rolling on the ground.

The lifeless voice I heard every time I called. A meaningful sentence that I sometimes felt in texts. The last time we met was in February, the lonely smile I saw back then.

Because there were three reasons why I had to meet you as soon as possible.

“Did you run?”

Eyes wide as if unexpected.

As soon as you saw my face, you got up from the swing and said that with a confused expression, and I took a deep breath and smiled lightly.

“It’s been a while, Chaewon.”

As much as I was worried, I was glad to see it.

“… Huh. It’s been a very long time. “It’s been a while, Min.”

You nod your head with a shy smile.

The night sky swallowed up even the starlight.

A smile as dark as his.

I missed you———.

I thought about my feelings hundreds of times for a moment, whether I would dare to say those words and express them, but in the end, I couldn’t say anything.

What is important to us now is your feelings, not my feelings.

Because it was important not to lose sight of you, who seemed to disappear at any moment.

At that time, when I was foolish and pathetic, I had no doubts about it.

“It’s not cold…” ?”

Red fingertips and ears.

Outerwear that seemed thin to me.

But that doesn’t mean I can take off my clothes and hand them to you arbitrarily. I’m just putting this in an indirect way……

“Isn’t the moon very pretty?”

You took your gaze away from me and looked up at the night sky.

The slanted crescent moon felt unusually thin and pitiful that day, but your eyes that described it as pretty made me feel very beautiful.

I nodded silently.

At that time, that was the distance between me and you that was allowed to me.

“Aren’t you busy?”

“It’s been about 4 hours since I came back from America? “Take a break until tomorrow, then start again the next day.”

“… I see.”

It must be difficult. Can’t I rest more?

That’s because it looks dangerous, Chaewon.

I struggle to swallow those words because I think they might make you weak.

“Min, aren’t you really busy? “The college entrance exam is just a little while away.”

Not knowing how I feel, you still smile awkwardly.

“Not really?”

I, too, couldn’t help but laugh, albeit awkwardly.

“Honestly, I don’t have anything else to do right now. “All you have to do is solve problems while keeping your lifestyle as similar as possible to when you took the CSAT.”

“If that’s the case, shouldn’t you have gone to bed a long time ago? I am a busy person…….”

“It’s the weekend tomorrow. I was planning on studying until 1 o’clock. And I just said it. “I’m not busy at all.”

“… ….”

After silence, you quietly nod your head.

“Why did you ask me to see you…” ?”

I couldn’t bear to look at that face, so I sat on the swing.

“Just.”

You let out an awkward laugh.

“I just missed you.”

I drew an awkward expression.

“I missed you, Yumin.”

“… ….”

“Didn’t you miss me?”

You sit on the swing and look at me.

I took my breath away at the soft and beautiful voice that felt through the cold wind.

This is what I’ve wanted to hear so much for the past few years. At the same time, what I wanted to tell you.

That was why it was painful.

“You saw him jump.”

No matter how dull and emotionally insensitive I am, what you said back then was that I miss you.

“I missed you, friend.”

Because I didn’t mean to say I love you.

Because that much was certain.

“… Min-ah. “Don’t you think of the old days when you come here?”

We talked about banal stories about the past.

The elementary school days are now a blur and the middle school days are not clear yet clear.

You and I both knew that this conversation was a meaningless empty echo, but no one stopped.

You will tell me first.

Looking back, we may have endured endless waiting based on the complacent belief that we would tell each other first.

If we had been a little more honest with that belief, we wouldn’t have gotten tired.

I’m sure a lot of things would have changed.

“… “I feel a little tired these days.”

In the end, it was you who spoke first.

“I waited so long for this moment when I was a trainee, but when I got it, I couldn’t handle it. Should I say too much is too little, or should I just say that my bowl is small? “I thought it would be okay to do as much as I was loved, but it was harder than I thought to do as much as I was loved.”

“… ….”

“… No. Some people have a hard time because they are not loved. “Why are you talking about being comfortable and full, Han Chae-won?”

Should I say I’m pacing around?

I couldn’t let go of the smile, so I forced myself to keep it on my face and was heartbroken by your faint smile that kept me pacing around.

It is definitely comforting. It’s right to empathize with your pain and find a way to comfort your wounds……

I don’t know.

How can I, who lived an ordinary life, comfort you who is suffering from being trapped by splendor?

To begin with, I am inexperienced at comforting and empathizing, so I cannot fully express my feelings to you and think that those feelings will give you rest.

If only it were someone who knew how to shed tears together, rather than yawning because the storyline was expected from a sad movie.

Rather than hoping that people who are honest about their emotions will live rationally, if only I had been a person who could understand their feelings a little more.

If I had still lived like a clown, I would have given hypocritical and unsightly consolation.

“… “It’s because I never rested properly.”

Crossing that line didn’t go well.

“So it’s natural that it’s difficult.”

It seems like it’s comforting, but it doesn’t seem like it.

Pitifully, this was my best.

“… Well, I’ve been running non-stop these days. “This activity was unusually long.”

You laughed awkwardly at my sarcastic words.

I could tell from his exaggerated voice that he was trying hard to maintain a clear tone, and so I was able to tell, albeit clumsily, that my answer was not what you wanted.

…… I chose the completely wrong answer.

In an instant, frustration and frustration filled my mind, and I had no choice but to become more timid in my answers.

I would rather give up on solving a problem than get it wrong.

It was indeed a stupid and lame choice, but at that time, I looked at the world and lived with the emotions you taught me and left behind.

You are my everything.

———So, what I mean is that you are my everything.

I can’t look at the world or live in the face of emotions that you haven’t taught me.

Paradoxically.

“But I’m not the only one who couldn’t rest. The same goes for the members and staff who help us.”

“… ….”

“If I think about it that way, it just seems like I’m being very unprofessional….”

“… ….”

“As expected. “Maybe I should try harder?”

The eyes that had always been looking up at the sky turned to me.

I turned my head inadvertently to your question, which made me feel like I was going to change my behavior with just one word, like a child getting permission for each action from his parents.

It felt heavy and scary to be responsible.

So.

“… “I’m not doing anything until the end of November.”

It was expressed in a roundabout way.

“I have two interviews after the college entrance exam, but those are on the 22nd, so I’m really free after that.”

“… ….”

“Let’s go on a trip. We.”

I smiled awkwardly and looked at you carefully.

“Last time I went to Canada, it was very pretty. “I was especially healed because the outskirts of the city looked like something you couldn’t see in Korea.”

“… ….”

“The place I went to was Toronto, but I want to go to Vancouver with you. As you know, it’s famous for being a very pretty city, right? Ocean. That’s right, the sea is right in front of you. Chaewon, you like looking at the sea. “Let’s take a walk there with your favorite parfait.”

The story poured out in detail.

Starting with the stories about Canada I heard from local friends during my language training, then the attractions and restaurants in Vancouver that I found out through my own search, and how you and I will get around without a driver’s license.

I’ve made a plan for two weeks, where will I stay and what will I do during that time?

He talked about things like I want to try this with you and that there are a lot of things you like here, so much so that even now that I think about it, I have no idea what he was saying, and it was so passionate.

It was that earnest.

I’m a fool who doesn’t know how to comfort you, but I want you to know that I’m worried about you and that I’m by your side when you feel like you’re about to break down at any moment.

I realized that I still love you so much that the past days where I said I would forget and let go seemed like a funny comedy.

“… Huh. “Let’s go get some rest, Chaewon.”

I hoped endlessly that my heart would reach you.

That was all.

“…… “What, are you flirting with me now?”

A ray of light breaking through the darkness. A smile that felt more dazzling than that.

I was able to let go of my worries just a little because I saw the unspoiled smile for the first time.

“I will go or not. “Are you saying that properly?”

“Huh? “I think it’s more important to me whether you seduced Min or not.”

I unconsciously turned my gaze to the sky when I saw your face smiling playfully.

It was past 1 a.M., And the street lights were not shining. Moreover, the weather was cold and windy.

Fortunately, there were more than just one or two.

“I will go or not. “Tell me about that first.”

A gruff voice leaked out to hide shame.

I asked while moving the swing back and forth……

“It’s because I’m a celebrity. “Maybe I should check my schedule?”

You shrugged your shoulders and answered.

Even though it wasn’t a rejection, I was still disappointed that he pushed me away.

“… “Now you’re going to show off as a celebrity?”

“You’ve been a complete celebrity since three years ago, right? Look, what you’re wearing right now is totally celebrity-like.”

Get up from your seat and spin around to show what you are wearing.

It was a style that people who are good at dressing, not necessarily celebrities, would easily pull off, but if I were asked to wear it, they would definitely wave their hands at me.

When I looked at your clothes without even thinking about it.

“How about January?”

You stand in front of me and smile slightly.

“… January?”

“Activities end at the end of November. I decided to stay with my mom and dad right after my activities ended, and then travel domestically with the members at the end of December. So, with you, it’s January.”

It was a little late, but I was excited when I heard that I was going anyway. Still, a somewhat blunt expression appeared on his face.

“… You’re a celebrity. “I have to wait two months before I see you again.”

“I’m sorry my sister is busy. “Minnie, can you be a good girl and wait for me?”

“… “Don’t treat me like a baby.”

I shake my head when a hand naturally strokes my head, but……

Still, I liked the way you stroked me, so a shallow smile appeared on my lips.

I missed you. This time.

Your smile and touch made the days of suffering become insignificant.

Even though I know that I have to accept that you will never come to me in the end, this moment was my whole world.

“I’ll wait well… ….”

First love is something that doesn’t come true.

I know very well that I am no different.

“Don’t say anything else later. “I’m going to be really upset.”

I keep hoping that it’s fate for you and me.

“Minah.”

I was so absorbed in the role of the sad male protagonist that I didn’t know.

“You will always be by my side, right?”

A sad smile and an indifferent voice.

What did those words mean to us?

“… I don’t know. “I saw that you kept your promise.”

I should have thought a little more and understood.

If I really loved you.

+++

“… Hey, wake up.”

If I really loved you……

“He said he was taking a break with his family. Go hang out with the members, and…. And you told me to go to Vancouver with you.”

Obviously something like this would not have happened.

“Why are you doing this…? . Why are you doing this? .”

You were definitely trying to go far away.

“Why on earth———.”

I would have stopped you from dying.