Idol’s Childhood Friend

44 – You are the biggest crybaby out of all the people I know

Chaewon collapsed.

It was a suicide attempt.

Can you come?

The words Chaewon heard from his aunt during the short 5-minute phone call were long, but that was all that remained in his mind.

From Bundang to Songpa.

It’s not far away, about an hour away if you use public transportation.

I immediately caught a taxi.

Seoul Asan Medical Center.

It takes about 30 minutes to arrive.

Even though I knew it was the fastest method, it felt slow.

Why?

Vancouver. It was just yesterday that we promised to go together.

He clearly told me to wait patiently.

I said I would wait patiently too.

I promised with a smile.

Why on earth———.

When I came to my senses, I heard the taxi driver telling me to give him my card.

The young friend was very ecstatic.

The last thing I saw was him clicking his tongue as if he felt sorry for me, and then I went straight to the hospital.

The first floor was full of people.

There was no time to feel any more emotion than that.

I took the elevator and headed to the 7th floor.

I met my aunt.

As soon as he saw me, he shed tears.

I’m sorry. I said this to a kid who was about to take the college entrance exam. I shouldn’t have said this at such an important time.

My aunt’s words and expressions are full of self-reproach and lamentation.

Hospital’s unique white interior. Alcohol smell.

Lights turned off sparsely to save power.

A sunless space filled with deep depression.

The silence makes it difficult to even breathe.

Your name appears in the hospital room.

…… Why did I come here?

All the scenery unfolding before my eyes is unfamiliar and awkward. I’m losing my mind once again.

What…. No matter how much I think about it, I don’t understand.

Why are you here?

It looked fine. Of course, you had a normal conversation with me until yesterday.

I don’t know even if I know it, and I feel like I know it even if I don’t know……

——— Ha, she swallowed her sigh and asked in a quiet voice.

Can I go in alone?

My aunt smiled weakly and nodded her head.

I pushed the door to the side and went inside.

A spacious space for private use. Furniture reminiscent of a hotel, including sofas, tables, TVs, and refrigerators.

Nordic-style interior with a modern feel.

A wide open view of the Han River.

A very different and heterogeneous scene from what I saw in the hallway.

“…… Ah.”

But the sight of the gap being forcibly narrowed made me part my dry lips.

Monitoring an electrocardiogram that fluctuates periodically.

Three or four injections of unknown origin are stuck in his thin arms as if they are eating away his life, and his bloodless face has lines that are often seen in dramas.

The faint sound of the humidifier spraying robs me of my sense of time. I looked at you blankly, lying down in a hospital gown.

“… Han Chae-won?”

…… Really, do I know you?

It took too long to even understand that.

No.

It’s so intuitive and clear that anyone can see that it’s you, so I can’t accept it.

Suicide. I can’t believe you took on that hardship.

“… Hey, wake up.”

A dry, cracked voice.

I barely managed to say a word and looked at you endlessly.

“I heard you are going on a trip with your family. He said he was going to have fun with the members. You, … “You decided to go to Vancouver with me.”

I struggle to raise my voice again.

No answer comes back.

“Why are you doing this? “Why are you doing this?”

I frowned and shook my head repeatedly.

No answer comes back.

“Why on earth———.”

The answer is.

It won’t come back.

“———.”

It collapses.

Reason. Emotion. Trust. Values.

All the value and meaning I had dedicated my life to suddenly collapsed and was swept away, and at the same time, countless thoughts came flooding back.

Why? Have you been in the most painful moment?

Idol. As befits your name, which means idol, you have always been someone who had to fulfill people’s fantasies.

The time I had to spend as Ever’s Han Chaewon actually made me no longer have the time I needed to spend as the human Han Chaewon.

Because I literally didn’t even have time to breathe.

Why? Did I not recognize you like this?

You definitely asked me for help several times. I also vaguely noticed that signal.

That’s right. It’s my fault.

Even though I received the signal you gave me, I ignored it and it was entirely my fault.

I was able to ask if it was okay just once more, I was able to listen at least once more……

It was my fault for not being able to do that little thing that hurt you so much.

But. Even though I think like that, I feel resentful of you.

Why? Didn’t you tell me to help you?

If I had been pushed this far, if I had shouted that I wanted to live just once, ready to die, which I had chosen so hard.

If you had thought of me liking you, you wouldn’t have done this to me.

… No. It’s just that I’m an ugly person.

Why? Am I not able to do anything?

I like it. I say I love you.

You are my destiny.

The bastard who says things like that is actually an idiot and trash who can’t even understand the pain of the person he loves.

It is disqualification as an incorrigible human being.

If only I were someone you could rely on a little more, if I were a little more precious to you……

Was I really watching you fall?

He is a good person to everyone when the situation is comfortable. A person you can’t rely on when you’re in pain.

A person who cannot love or be loved by anyone. An incredibly incompetent person.

So———.

“…… “What is first love?”

A place where countless thoughts gather.

There was nothing but a deep sense of guilt and self-reproach.

“I didn’t even know I could be this broken, so what on earth is love?”

I knelt down.

I put my hands together for the first time in my life.

“I will never say that I like you again. “I will never like you.”

I prayed.

I found God for the first time in my life.

“…… So, I was wrong.”

He said, Make every effort to enter through the narrow gate.

The narrow gate that leads to salvation. If the ordeal to get there is not loving you.

“I am. “I did something wrong, Chaewon.”

I will never leave you alone in pain again.

I will become a mature person who listens to everything you say and speaks with your heart in mind at least once more.

First look, then extend a hand……

I will gladly jump into the sea for you who are struggling in the sea of pain.

So.

“Please don’t leave…” .”

I will humbly accept it.

I sobbed and muttered.

Because I know now that I am not worthy of loving you.

Because I realized deep down that I cannot be the person to love someone and be loved by them.

So, please just open your eyes safely.

I repeated, repeated, repeated.

“…… Ah.”

The answer came back.

“…… Han Chae-won?”

I opened my eyes and quickly wiped away the tears.

Empty eyes and dry single words that say they don’t yet understand the situation.

Look into the person’s eyes as carefully as possible and use a friendly voice.

“Do you think I know who I am?”

A brief gap.

And the head nods.

“I know, I see it.”

I was happy.

I was just crazy happy.

“… “Did you sleep well, Chaewon?”

He smiled brightly.

+++

The CSAT is over, and the interview went well.

After finishing the college entrance exam, most high school seniors spent the rest of their days by showing up in the morning and then going straight home.

On the other hand, I didn’t even stamp my attendance at school.

The principal gave me convenience because of the position and image I had created over the past three years, and because I was likely to be accepted to Seoul National University.

Of course, it was an accommodation within legal limits, and it had been over a week since not only me but also several students with outstanding grades had stopped going to school.

“Where can you really find a friend like this?”

In other words, I haven’t been to school for over a week since the CSAT ended.

He smiles and waves his hand.

“… “Why did you become a live-in guardian?”

“Because my aunt asked me to do it, and I said okay, right?”

“My position is.”

“You said okay too. “Are you saying something different now?”

“I wasn’t really asking you to just be a live-in guardian if you were going to come every day….”

You answered bluntly with a nervous expression.

But I know that the emotions hidden inside are regret and gratitude……

“If it were your aunt, would she have given you something like this?”

“… Tteokbokki?”

“Wow, it was hard to save.”

He just smiled like any other day.

Panic disorder and bipolar disorder.

A typical mental illness that commonly afflicts celebrities.

To understand this, I read through one professional book and paper in just a few weeks.

Because I wanted to know what was hurting you so much and what I could do for you.

“How are you feeling today?”

I naturally asked you a question as you slowly chewed your tteokbokki.

For people who are severely depressed, especially those who have thought about or attempted suicide, it is difficult to live today, not yesterday or tomorrow.

That’s why this moment today is very important to them.

If only I could live today, if I thought that today was a good day……

Someday there will come a moment when you can feel grateful for being alive.

So, it was a question I asked every single day since you woke up.

“… “Why do you keep asking me that?”

Today was a day when you were a little more sensitive than usual.

“I hope you stay here, it will feel good…” ?”

You seem to have lost your appetite and nervously put down your fork.

I pretended not to be agitated and tried to smile.

“To begin with, I told you how many times. Yumin, you don’t have to come here anymore.”

“… ….”

“At a time like this, you’re telling me to go somewhere and have fun with your friends? Why do you keep making me… “You won’t leave me alone.”

A harsh look full of bitterness and displeasure comes out after a moment of hesitation.

“I can overcome it just fine. But the more you keep saying that, the more shabby I feel. It felt like nothing… !”

“———.”

“So, I feel more broken.”

Rough breathing leaked out as I was unable to overcome my anger.

I took my breath away from harsh words I had never heard since I got to know you.

It looks like nothing is wrong at all.

Even though you, who hate hurting people more than anyone else, said harsh and hurtful things, I felt like you weren’t suffering at all, and it seemed like you truly thought I was ruining you.

“Eyes.”

If only your eyes that resent me didn’t waver.

“You said that, but you’re still sloppy, Han Chae-won.”

I smiled softly and picked up the fork that had fallen into the soup.

Instead, I took out a new one, dipped it in tteokbokki, and handed it to you along with the plate.

“I have no doubt that you will overcome it well. Because you are stronger than anyone else. But, do you know what?”

I gently look into your eyes.

“You are the biggest crybaby of anyone I know.”

“… ….”

“I know the cooldown is almost over, so cry as much as you want. But since you’re a celebrity, I won’t spread rumors that you’re a crybaby. “Isn’t this what it means to like a childhood friend?”

Shrugging her shoulders, she closed the curtains and slightly opened the window.

The cold winter wind instantly hits my face and enters the space.

“I’ll close the window after I go to the bathroom, so until then, you can get some cold air. “Aren’t you going to have to get used to having to go outside?”

“… ….”

“Oh, right. For your information, I’m not in a bad mood today. I accidentally found 10,000 won in the coat I wore today. I bought that too with the 10,000 won I found today. Well, that’s right.”

He chuckles and leaves the room, saying he will be back soon.

I went straight out of the hallway and passed the men’s bathroom that I could see.

“…… Good job. “I did well enough, I.”

Go straight into the emergency stairs and exhale quickly.

Leaning against the wall and closing my eyes, I slowly let go of the emotions I had been holding in so hard.

「So, I feel more broken.」

Cold tone and glare.

No matter how much I said it out of anger, it was an undeniable fact to me.

“Because I was wrong… ….”

I know it very well.