Lost

“Don’t talk.”“Screw off!”“…I’m sorry.”When I shouted, Jung Woojin made a sad face. I took a deep breath and laid back down. Now that the coughing had stopped, I felt a bit better. My throat was so sore, like I had severe muscle pain, that I couldn’t even turn my head and just rolled my eyes to glare at Jung Woojin.“You bastard…”“……”“You damn son of a… ugh!”My throat hurt again. It felt like swallowing sand, painful and scratchy, and my voice wouldn’t come out properly. As I started coughing again, Jung Woojin, who had been restless, quickly got up and left the room. He soon returned with a glass of water, supporting my back and neck as he sat me up. Clinging to his arm, I managed to swallow a sip of the warm water he offered me.“Huff…”“Are you feeling a bit better?”“You think I look okay, you bastard?”“Don’t talk, or you’ll start coughing again…”“You’re the one who made me talk, you jerk!”Shouting made me dizzy. My head spun, and I almost collapsed onto the bed, but Jung Woojin caught me, helping me regain my balance. Breathing heavily, I felt Jung Woojin stroking my waist.“I’m sorry.”“You piece of…”“I’ll be gentler next time…”“What, you bastard?”When I looked at him in shock, Jung Woojin clamped his mouth shut. My head was swimming with curses, and I felt like even if I cursed him out for three days and nights, my anger wouldn’t subside. When I groaned, Jung Woojin gently laid me back down on the bed. He even covered me with a blanket and stroked my hair.“Does it hurt a lot?”When I glanced at him, I saw that Jung Woojin was looking at me with a worried expression. He was kneeling beside the bed. Does he really think asking if it hurts a lot makes sense right now? My anger flared up again, but I took a deep breath. Yelling would only hurt me more. But I couldn’t just let it go, because that would be too infuriating. Looking at Jung Woojin, who was kneeling with his arms resting on the bed, I spoke.“Raise your hands.”“What?”“Raise your hands, you bastard.”“……”“The day I get up from this bed will be the day you die, you jerk.”When I ground my teeth, Jung Woojin flinched and raised his hands. Seeing his half-heartedly raised hands, I instinctively shouted.“Higher!”Startled by my outburst, Jung Woojin quickly raised his hands up high. Seeing him stand there like a punished child with his hands up actually made me feel a bit better.Watching him hold his hands up next to his face, I drifted back to sleep. When I woke up again, Jung Woojin was gone. Where did that bastard go instead of keeping his hands up? Just as I was struggling to lift my heavy, aching body, the door opened, and Jung Woojin came in with a tray.“Are you awake?”“What’s that?”“Congee.”“……”Now that I thought about it, I realized I might be hungry. I scratched my disheveled hair and leaned back against the headboard. Jung Woojin placed the tray on my legs and handed me a spoon. This made me feel like a patient. Well, I guess I technically was.As I sighed and stirred the congee, my hands kept trembling. As if I wasn’t already frustrated enough, the spoon was annoying me too, so I ended up tossing it aside and grabbing the bowl. Just as I was about to drink straight from it, Jung Woojin reached out.“Sunbae, let me…”“Aren’t you supposed to be holding your hands up?”When I hissed and made a threatening face, Jung Woojin looked at me with a hurt expression. Seeing that, my anger flared up again. Here I was, unable to even get out of bed or eat without help, my whole body in pain, and this bastard showed no signs of remorse. As much as I wanted to smash the bowl over his head, my hunger kept me in check.“Ouch, hot…!”The bowl wasn’t that hot, so I thought it would be fine, but as soon as the congee touched my lips, I yelped in pain. When I flinched, Jung Woojin quickly took the bowl from me. He picked up the spoon that I had discarded on the tray. I had a bad feeling about this. I asked cautiously, though I dreaded the answer.“You’re not planning to feed me, are you?”“I’ll feed you just this once and then raise my hands again.”“This bastard… Do you think I’m a patient? Huh? Hand it over, now!”Every sentence ended with a curse. I felt like if I didn’t curse, I wouldn’t be able to release my anger. No, actually, it wasn’t so much about anger; if I didn’t act like this, I’d be too embarrassed to bear it.I remember everything. From the moment I got caught jerking off in the bathroom to crying and begging like I was going to die, I remember it all. If there were a hole in the ground, I’d want to crawl into it, but I couldn’t even stand up. Whenever I tried to put my feet on the floor, my back felt like it was breaking, and when I pushed through the pain and took a step, my body automatically tilted. Honestly, more than my back, it was my “thing” and my rear that hurt the most, but there was no way I could admit that out loud. I’d have to check things out when I used the bathroom after eating. No joke, it felt like my “thing” had its skin completely peeled off. It was burning and stinging even when I was just lying still.“Hand it over.”“Sunbae.”“Are you not going to hand it over?”“Sunbae, please…”We were tussling over the bowl of congee when a ringing sound came from the living room. It was Jung Woojin’s phone.“Give me that and go answer your phone.”“I don’t need to answer it.”“What do you mean you don’t need to? It’s been ringing nonstop for a while. Isn’t it a work call?”“Forget the phone and work, please just eat something. You haven’t had anything at all.”“You damn… Do you think I don’t want to eat? I’m starving to death here! And it’s all your fault!”When I shouted again, the ringing finally stopped. Jung Woojin let out a long sigh.“I’m really sorry. I’m truly reflecting on what I did…”Just then, the phone started ringing again. Half listening to his apology, I said:“It’s so annoying; just go answer the…”“Shit.”“……”His hand holding the bowl turned white as his knuckles stood out. The sad expression he had earlier was gone, replaced by a cold look, as if he were a different person. Instinctively, I shrank back. Watching him glare towards the living room, I stammered.“I’ll just eat while you answer the phone. Bring some water on your way back, lukewarm.”“I’m sorry.”“Yeah, okay.”Jung Woojin, still glaring towards the living room, apologized with the same cold expression. I just nodded in response. He released his tight grip on the bowl, sighed, and stood up.“Don’t eat anything until I get back. I’ll bring the water.”“I can just eat by…”“Don’t touch the bowl. You might spill it and burn yourself.”Well, there wasn’t much I could do… I nodded again. Jung Woojin stared at me for a moment, gritted his teeth, and left the room. The door clicked shut, and soon after, I heard a loud yell from the other side. A stream of curses and threats about breaking someone’s neck if they called again came pouring out like a parade. I coughed lightly and shifted my body. At least I felt a bit better than when I first woke up. Since he seemed genuinely sorry, I decided to let it go this time. Thinking about it, it wasn’t like I didn’t bear any responsibility for not refusing at the start.Besides, if I kept making a fuss, Jung Woojin might get angry with me too. Then I’d be left with nowhere to go… Not that I didn’t have anywhere to go, but I wasn’t ready to be alone yet; it was still too uncomfortable and scary. Justifying myself like that, I slowly stretched out my arms, twisted my waist, and did some stretches. The door opened, and Jung Woojin came in carrying a cup of water.“Do you want to drink water first?”“Huh? Oh, sure.”As I took the cup, I glanced up to see Jung Woojin smiling at me. It was hard to believe this was the same guy who had just been swearing and raging.“I’m really sorry.”“Yeah, I got it, seriously.”“Don’t be mad.”“When was I ever… Hey, but… um.”As I mumbled, Jung Woojin offered me a spoonful of congee. I stared at it for a moment, then reluctantly took a bite. As I chewed on the congee, Jung Woojin’s face brightened. I felt strange.“Hey, didn’t you say we weren’t anything to each other?”“What?”“You said that when we first met.”I looked up at him while taking another spoonful. He looked like he was deep in thought, and I sighed, already guessing what he was thinking. Well, it’s not like he could’ve just told someone with amnesia, “Actually, we used to sleep together.” Since he said we weren’t anything, it didn’t seem like we were dating… And since we both said we weren’t gay, it was likely we were just casually hooking up. So were we friends with benefits? Hopefully, I wasn’t doing this with anyone else besides Jung Woojin…Damn, just how crazy was I before I lost my memory? I was terrified of recalling anything.“Sunbae, I love you.”“What?”Jung Woojin suddenly said. Come to think of it, even yesterday while we were doing that, Jung Woojin had told me he loved me more than a dozen times.“You used to hate me, Sunbae.”“…What?”I was more shocked by his calm statement than when he told me he loved me.So, I was having sex with someone who loved me, someone who knew I hated him? Just for the physical act?Images of scenes I might have read or seen at some point started forming in my mind. It was like the worst kind of soap opera. Was that why Jung Woojin cried like a beaten dog every time he saw me?I couldn’t even close my gaping mouth as I slowly looked up at Jung Woojin. He was gazing down with a sorrowful expression. My heart ached as if it had been stabbed with a knife. I felt both guilty and angry at myself. I must have been a real piece of shit before I lost my memory. And Jung Woojin, before and even now, was just a helpless fool and an idiot who was too kind for his own good.We didn’t have a proper conversation until I finished the entire bowl of porridge. Jung Woojin kept that sorrowful look on his face like a widow who had lost her husband, and I just kept glancing at him while eating. When I finally finished, Jung Woojin took the tray and went outside. With nothing else to do, I just lay there staring at the ceiling while listening to the sound of dishes being washed from the living room. The clinking sounds made my mood sink again.Did Jung Woojin really like me before I lost my memory? Even if he genuinely loved me at first, could he still have liked me after all that? In the end, I basically told someone who liked me that I didn’t like him but was okay with just having sex. Could he really have been okay with that? To be honest, Jung Woojin agreeing to that made him seem like a total pushover. What an idiot. Does he have no self-respect? How could anyone do that? I just couldn’t understand. Doesn’t his pride get hurt?“Huh…”My head throbbed. I remembered the face of the guy who had said we were nothing to each other on the day I was discharged. With a trembling voice and a deathly pale face, he insisted we were nothing. And then he cried, sobbing like a child.“…”What kind of person was I, really?“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin came back into the room, probably done with the dishes. He looked oddly happy. Seeing him smile like that, I impulsively asked,“Why are you smiling?”“Huh?”“I asked why you’re smiling.”I’m feeling like absolute shit right now.Just a moment ago, he said he loved me, but then also said, “You hated me, Sunbae.” How can he smile after saying that? When he said that, didn’t he also remember that I hated him before I lost my memory but still wanted to have sex with him? Seeing my twisted expression, Jung Woojin spoke up.“You finished the porridge.”He seemed to think I was getting angry again and was trying to gauge my mood. Suddenly, I felt a surge of frustration. Does this guy have no pride?“Hey, Jung Woojin. Come here.”I patted the bed, and Jung Woojin obediently sat down.“Just call me Woojin.”“Yeah, okay, whatever. You said you’re a student, right? You’re on a leave of absence? What are you doing while on break? Didn’t you say you were a model?”“Yeah, but it’s just part-time…”“Do you get paid properly for it?”“Huh?”Jung Woojin’s eyes widened at my question. But I already saw him as a helpless idiot who was too nice for his own good. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy worked for free if his boss said they were struggling. He’d probably give a homeless person his coat in the dead of winter and throw in his watch as a bonus.“Money? Why? Do you need money, Sunbae?”“…”Look at that, unbelievable. I let out a deep sigh.“Have you ever lent money to someone? I mean, even just once in your life.”“Yeah.”“Did you get it back?”“Huh? Um… no.”“…”The day Jung Woojin lost his memory and took me to his home without ever bringing up the topic of living expenses, I should have known.“You said you had a lot of money, right?”“Yes…”Jung Woojin seemed clueless about what I was getting at. He had been fidgeting nervously, constantly checking my reaction. I was certain of the reason I had told Jung Woojin that I didn’t like him but still wanted to have sex.Maybe I thought of Jung Woojin as an easy target too. That guy has a lot of money, so just string him along? That could have been it. I sighed deeply and scratched my head in frustration. The way Jung Woojin was staring at me with that innocent look made me feel sorry for him. I pitied him, felt guilty, and, honestly, I felt like a complete jerk.“Hey…”I turned my head and pretended to be distracted as I spoke.“I’m sorry.”“For what?”“For… I don’t know, just for various things. And thank you as well…”Damn… At this point, it would be better if I just didn’t remember anything. But living like this because of it didn’t sit right with me either. I needed to get my memories back, but part of me didn’t want to. Damn it. What kind of person was I, anyway?“Sunbae, you’re acting really weird today.”When I turned my head back, Jung Woojin was looking at me with a blank expression. That perfect poker face made me hold my breath as he reached out and placed his hand on the back of mine.“It feels like I’m dreaming.”“What, dude?”“But no… You’ve never acted like this in my dreams.”“Why do you keep going on about dreams? Oh, by the way, what happened with that call earlier? Aren’t you busy?”Jung Woojin’s dreamy expression suddenly broke, and he sighed with a frustrated look.“It was nothing.”“You don’t look like it was nothing.”“It really wasn’t anything. But why did you bring up money earlier?”“Huh? Oh, that…”I was worried you might be working without getting paid. I couldn’t say that, so I tried to brush it off, but then I looked up. When I suddenly raised my head, Jung Woojin looked puzzled.“You work nearby, right?”“What?”“When do you go back to work?”“…What?”Jung Woojin’s expression started to become more and more uneasy. He seemed to have figured out what I was about to say.“Let’s go together next time.”“…”When I grinned, Jung Woojin gave me a strange, awkward smile in return.“Well, that’s a bit…”“Why? Are outsiders not allowed where you work?”“It’s not that… It’s just, there’s a lot of dust and…”“Do you not want me to go?”It was clear he really didn’t want me to. When I narrowed my eyes and asked, Jung Woojin straightened up and shook his head.“No, next time, let’s go together.”“If you don’t want to, then forget it.”“No, it’s fine. Really.”“…”“But Sunbae, if we go there, you have to stay where I can see you. If you disappear while I’m working, I swear I’ll never take you again. And if anyone talks to you, just say okay and don’t ask who they are… No, actually, Sunbae, I’ll show you around when we get there, so just look around and then wait at a nearby hotel until I’m done working. Then I’ll come straight to you…”I could only sigh as I listened to Jung Woojin ramble on. Does he think I’m not a memory loss patient but some senile old man?＊＊＊“What’s this?”I should have known when he told me to wear a hat.“A mask.”“…”“There’s a lot of clothes and people there, so there’s a lot of dust.”