Lost

“You son of a bitch, weren’t you just a high schooler back then?”

When I stood up from my chair as if I was about to flip the table, Jung Woojin trembled his shoulders with a pitiful look on his face. That bastard, always acting pitiful now!

I was huffing and puffing, but after taking a deep breath, I sat back down in the chair.

“So?”

Like a student being scolded by a teacher, Jung Woojin lowered his head and mumbled.

“Drinking, smoking, and… with a girl…”

“You bastard, didn’t you drink and smoke when you were in school?”

“Yes…”

“……”

“……”

“Jesus Christ, I’m not some kid anymore. Why the hell do I have to listen to this nagging from you?”

At my words, Jung Woojin lifted his lowered head. Unlike before, his eyes were filled with resentment.

“You went into a motel.”

“What?”

“Lee Hye-young.”

“……”

It suddenly felt like the temperature had dropped by a couple of degrees.

There was no way I wouldn’t recognize the name Lee Hye-young. She was my first love. As I closed my mouth, Jung Woojin’s eyes flared up even more fiercely than before.

“You went in at 2 a.m. and came out at 4:40 the next day.”

“……”

“Shit, back then…”

Jung Woojin, who had been raising his voice, let out a deep breath as if trying to calm down before speaking again.

“What did you do there?”

“……”

I was more shocked than curious about how Jung Woojin knew the exact time I went in and out of the motel. What did I do? Seriously… are you asking because you don’t know? I stared blankly at Jung Woojin for a moment before regaining my senses and frowning.

“Are you questioning me right now?”

“……”

At my words, Jung Woojin closed his mouth. He was silent, but his gaze was still sharp. I could see his clenched fists trembling with anger. His jaw was tightly set, with his lips pressed so hard together that they protruded.

“So? What you’re saying is, you kidnapped me because I was drinking, smoking, and hanging out with a girl?”

“……”

“Are you joking?”

At my dumbfounded expression, Jung Woojin, who had been silent, finally opened his mouth.

“Because of you!”

“What about me?”

Jung Woojin, who had shouted impulsively, quickly shut his mouth again. The tears that had barely stopped now began to flow once more. Jung Woojin stood up from his chair. He looked like he might lunge at me any second. His lips were clenched so tightly that they bled. Through his teeth, I heard his resentful voice.

“You forgot about me.”

“What?”

“You forgot about me…”

“……”

Once again, he used the word “hyung”  and I was left speechless like a mute with a mouthful of honey. As Jung Woojin lowered his head, tears dripped into his empty bowl.

He’d cried so much that I thought I wouldn’t care if he cried again, but seeing him sobbing so sorrowfully caught me off guard. I couldn’t comfort him, but I also couldn’t scold him to stop crying. I just opened and closed my lips as Jung Woojin lifted his eyes to look at me. His eyes, which had been fierce, were now filled with resentment.

“I never forgot for a single day. Not before we met again, and not after we did. There wasn’t a single day I didn’t think about it.”

Should I thank him, even if it’s just empty words, or should I tell him how disgustingly pathetic that sounds? His eyes, once filled with resentment, began to twist in sadness.

“You forgot.”

“……”

“You told me to wait, and then you forgot…”

That time, when I told you to wait, you idiot, I meant it as a joke. You really waited there, about to die in the snow, you fool.

Unable to say what I was really thinking, I scratched the back of my neck as I looked at Jung Woojin.

“I’m sorry about that, but—”

“So, can you at least listen to me when I say I’m sorry?”

“What?”

“Don’t get sick of hearing me apologize. Please just think about it. You’re sorry too, so can’t you at least—”

Tears began to fall again. Just moments ago, I was only confused, but now my head felt like it was about to explode. Frowning, I asked him.

“Then?”

At my short question, Jung Woojin raised his head and looked at me.

“Then what changes?”

“……”

“After we apologize and cry and hug it out, what happens next?”

Somehow, it seemed like Jung Woojin longed for the old days, when we played in the dirt, laughed and joked, and lived together in this house. I shook my head.

“We can’t go back to that time.”

Suddenly, I remembered the day I first got out of the hospital, when Jung Woojin had cried just from seeing me smile.

It must have shocked him to see me smiling so much that he cried. I’d never done that before. He had probably longed for the version of me who called his name, smiled, was kind, understanding, and comforting. But I couldn’t return to who I was before losing my memory. Jung Woojin had done too much to me, and I had learned too much to go back to how things were.

Could Jung Woojin, who had lived with me before I lost my memory, live with the person I am now? Could he survive by my side, being ignored, insulted, and despised by me?

I recalled how Jung Woojin had been lying around the house like a corpse these past few days. It was impossible to imagine how hard it must have been for him, waiting for me, filled with anxiety, loneliness, and distress. If those days continued, eventually either Jung Woojin would die, I would die, or both of us would. One of us was bound to die eventually.

If that’s the case, I just want us to forget each other and live comfortably… But of course, Jung Woojin won’t be able to, and I’m not sure either. Can I forget about him and live well? Sure, I’ll live, but wouldn’t I always feel like something is missing, for years or even decades? Still, staying together feels strange. What are we supposed to do? As I was thinking that, Jung Woojin spoke.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Jung Woojin said it so easily. It doesn’t matter? It doesn’t? I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Whether we go back to how things were or not, it doesn’t matter. We can just start over again.”

Start over? Start what over again? As I stood there speechless, Jung Woojin desperately grabbed onto me.

“Whatever it is, let’s just start over. You don’t have to do anything. I won’t expect anything. Just stay here with me.”

Jung Woojin, with trembling hands, grabbed mine, tears streaming down his face. His grip was so weak that I could easily shake him off if I wanted to. His frail hand clung to mine, shaking as he kept saying things I couldn’t tell were lies or the truth.

“I won’t care about anything.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m serious. Even if you meet someone else, I’ll stay quiet.”

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

At my words, Jung Woojin shook his tear-streaked face from side to side, desperately trying to convince me.

“I’m serious. I won’t do anything.”

“You’d stay calm even if I flirted with someone else?”

As I scoffed and spoke, his sorrowful face began to twist. Just imagining it seemed to make him so angry that his face contorted with rage, like a killer from a movie.

See? I knew this would happen.

The Jung Woojin I know could never do that. Time has passed, and a lot has happened, but Jung Woojin hasn’t changed at all from the person he was on that wretched island.

“So, like before, if I leave you and go into a motel with another girl and stay with her all night, you wouldn’t care?”

This time, Jung Woojin couldn’t answer. I was exasperated. It pissed me off that he made promises he couldn’t keep so easily, and it pissed me off that he didn’t even know why I didn’t like him.

“It’s not because you interfere in my life that I hate you.”

“Is it because I raped you?”

“Yeah.”

“And locked you up?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, I just won’t do that anymore, right?”

Spilled water can’t be scooped back up, and a broken bowl can’t be pieced together again. Even if you desperately try to gather the water or glue the bowl back together, it’s still trash.

“I’m really sorry. You’re probably sick of hearing me say that, but it’s all I can do.”

Jung Woojin said, crying.

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then just stay with me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want it either.”

Crying loudly, Jung Woojin clung to my arm. Maybe he’d given up at this point, but Jung Woojin acted like a child throwing a tantrum.

“I don’t want it either. I want to stay with you. I hate it when you meet someone else. I hate it when you talk face-to-face with anyone else.”

“Why?”

At my question, Jung Woojin, who had been speaking without hesitation, suddenly closed his mouth. He looked at me with tear-filled eyes, blinking slowly. Large, heavy tears rolled down his wet cheeks. As I watched the teardrops cling to his eyelashes, Jung Woojin lowered his head and started crying again.

“What if someone else likes you…?”

“……”

“Then you’d leave me for them, wouldn’t you?”

“……”

It was an answer I hadn’t expected. I was too stunned to even laugh.

“I’m not gay, you know.”

“Then what if it’s a woman?”

“……”

“What if a tall, busty, pretty woman older than you comes along and says she likes you? What would you do?”

Hearing Jung Woojin list all the qualities I used to think were my ideal type over the past ten years left me completely flustered. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even respond, and despair started to seep into his face.

“See?”

“……”

“I knew it. I knew this would happen.”

The reason I couldn’t answer wasn’t anything special. I was just too dumbfounded. But whatever my silence meant to him, Jung Woojin started crying again, like someone who had lost everything.

The truth is, I knew too. If I kept living with Jung Woojin, eating meals together and spending time with him, something would eventually happen.

That’s what I thought, but the idea of living with Jung Woojin filled me with guilt. Guilt toward no one but myself.

I was raped by Jung Woojin. I was locked up on an isolated island, raped, and nearly died. And now, just because some time has passed, I’m living with him? Because I lost my memory and had a few fleeting good moments with him? Even after I lost my memory, Jung Woojin still did whatever he wanted.

He made me into a mute who couldn’t speak, didn’t let me leave the house, put tracking devices in my phone and watch without my permission, and even installed CCTV in the living room. Someone who does these kinds of things can’t be normal, and yet here I am, living with him…

Out of guilt, I can’t allow that. It’s absolutely wrong.

“Do you think I go crazy over every tall, busty, older woman I see?”

“Well, don’t you?”

“You little bastard, how do you even see me…?”

“Even if you say you don’t like it, if the other person keeps clinging to you, you’ll end up cursing but still do everything they ask, right?”

“That’s nonsense.”

I think I cursed every curse word I know. Even though I spat out every foul word imaginable in anger, Jung Woojin wouldn’t back down, continuing to make me out to be a woman-crazy player.

“Do you think the world is full of lunatics like you?”

“Even if it’s rare, there’s at least one, right?”

“At least in Korea, there’s no one else like you, you idiot.”

“What if there is?”

“Ugh, damn it. Talking to you is impossible.”

“Don’t go, Sunbae.”

Even though I swore to myself that this couldn’t happen, I found myself calming down Jung Woojin. I watched him cry for a moment, then let out a deep sigh.

I remembered what Jung Woojin had said. Was I like that? I never did anything like that. That’s not my personality. If I hate something, I’ll never do it, not even in a million years.

As I was thinking this, Jung Woojin spoke again.

“If someone caught you and locked you up, begging you to love them, what would you do?”

I asked in resignation.

“Do you think I’d just say, ‘Okay’?”

“Yes.”

“I’d never do that.”

“But you did with me.”

“I never said I liked you.”

“But you smiled at me.”

“That was when I’d lost my memory.”

“You called my name and begged me to push deeper.”

“Damn it, that’s because you threatened me!”

“So if the other person threatens you, it’ll work, right?”

Damn.

I held back the urge to slap Jung Woojin, who was crying yet still managing to say everything on his mind, trying to swallow my anger.

Why the hell am I even having this pointless, nonsensical conversation? It’s going nowhere, and the more I think about it, the more frustrating it becomes. But seeing Jung Woojin sobbing as if the world were ending, I couldn’t bring myself to say that out loud.

“So what do you want to do?”

I sighed as I asked, and Jung Woojin, as if he had been waiting for this, quickly replied.

“Please date me.”

That completely unexpected response hit me like a stone to the head.

“What?”

“Please date me.”

“Are you joking right now?”

I asked with a hollow laugh, but Jung Woojin responded again.

“I want to date you with the intention of getting married.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I looked at his serious face.

“Hahaha.”

As I laughed in disbelief, Jung Woojin, with tears still falling, looked confused. That only made it even funnier, and I couldn’t hold back my laughter.

I asked again to confirm.

“You want to date me with marriage in mind?”

“Yes.”

Jung Woojin hesitated, starting to release his grip on my hand, but then stopped and only let go with his left hand. Then he tightened his right hand, which was still holding mine, and began wiping away his flowing tears with the back of his left hand. He wiped his face and rubbed his eyes, but the tears kept coming. It was clear that wiping with one hand wasn’t enough, and he seemed to realize that, but he refused to let go of my hand, as if thinking that if he did, I’d run away. I reflexively raised my hand to wipe his face but stopped myself. The unconscious action scared me.

“I’m not joking. I’m serious.”

Jung Woojin spoke seriously, clearly displeased by my earlier laughter. His face made it obvious that he was determined to stop crying now. But I knew that the moment I frowned or showed the slightest displeasure, his red-rimmed eyes would fill with tears again.

“Stop crying, damn it.”

“I can’t stop.”

“You’re not a girl, so stop crying over every little thing, damn it.”

I deliberately turned my head with an irritated expression. If I didn’t act angry, I might end up laughing, or worse, finding Jung Woojin cute for crying like a child throwing a tantrum, and I might just agree to him.

No, damn it. Am I really losing my mind? I bit my lip, stunned by the absurdity and embarrassment of it all.

At my annoyance, Jung Woojin started wiping his tears again. Even though I tried not to look, my eyes kept darting back to him. Wiping away his tears with one hand, brushing the wet collar of his shirt, rubbing his neck where the tears had trickled down—Jung Woojin kept sniffling.

Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind.

Would anything change if we continued living like corpses, as we have been until now? After all, I made the decision to live with Jung Woojin when I left that island. If we’re going to live together anyway…

“……”

I was about to come to a conclusion, but this wasn’t what I had in mind.

“Hey.”

I swear to the heavens, this wasn’t what I meant.

“Let’s do what you said.”

This really wasn’t what I meant.

“What?”

Jung Woojin looked at me, his eyes widening in surprise. I let out a laugh, not at him, but at myself, because I couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“Sure, but just so you know, these days, plenty of people get divorced even after they get married.”

Jung Woojin stared at me with a dumbfounded expression, his mouth hanging open, unable to say a word.

“If you act annoying, we’ll break up. If you try to make me mute because you don’t like me talking to other people, or if you trap me in this house, or if you give me some useless gift like a crappy phone or watch, then it’s over.”

“…”

“And I’m going to leave here and live alone.”

At the mention of me living alone, the previously unresponsive Jung Woojin snapped to attention.

“Sunbae, that’s…”

“Shut up. And even if we date, nothing much will change. It’s just that I hate how we’re living now, how both you and I are, so I’m willing to try and make an effort. So you better try, too.”

“Not living here…”

“I said I’m not living here.”

At my firm words, tears began to fall from Jung Woojin’s eyes. Anyone would think I had just told him I’d leave and never see him again.

“Then, are we getting married?”

That’s when Jung Woojin, with a quivering voice, started spouting nonsense. I was so dumbfounded that I almost bit my tongue.

“No, you bastard! Don’t try to dodge the issue, you sneaky little con artist! Who said anything about marriage? I just said we’d try dating.”

“Then, if we get married, will you live with me?”

“If we get married.”

I sighed as I spoke, and Jung Woojin grabbed both of my hands. His hands were trembling slightly.

“When will we get married?”

“No, you idiot. What I’m saying is…”

I wasn’t talking about marriage; I just meant we’d try dating first. But it seemed like Jung Woojin wasn’t hearing me anymore.

“Sunbae, thank you. I’ll be really good to you. I won’t do anything you hate.”

“You’re full of shit. You’ll throw a fit if I even talk to someone else.”

“Then except for that.”

“You’ll freak out even if I just smile and say hello.”

“Then except for that, too.”

“You bastard, just say you’ll stop freaking out over everything!”

Finally, I lost my temper and shouted, and Jung Woojin reached out and hugged me tightly. His tears dripped from his chin, soaking the collar of my shirt.

“I’m going to work, live on my own, talk to other people, and sometimes hang out with them, too.”

“If you cheat, I’ll kill that bastard.”

Even while sobbing pitifully, Jung Woojin still managed to say everything he wanted.

“No, you bastard! Why do you think just talking to people counts as cheating?”

“Sunbae, I love you. I’ll be really good to you. Sunbae, Sunbae.”

Watching him cry and confess his love, I felt a pang of guilt and started mumbling to myself.

“And it’s not because I like you that I’m doing this. I’m just sick of living like this. It’s not like I’m dating you with the intention of marriage; it’s just… we’re only pretending to date, and nothing big is going to change between us. If you start annoying me again, I’ll just break up with you…”

“Sunbae, I love you. I really love you so much. I can’t live without you. I won’t live without you.”

Watching Jung Woojin cry with overwhelming emotion, I finally fell silent. I was already starting to regret it. Was this really the right thing to do?

＊ ＊ ＊

After that, when I said I was starving to death, Jung Woojin quickly made some food. As I was eating, he kept trying to persuade me from across the table.

“Rent is expensive, and prices are rising these days, so living together would be much more economical than living alone…”

“You said you had lots of money. And did I ever ask you to pay for my living expenses? I just asked you to lend me a bit for the deposit. You’re the one who sold my perfectly fine house, so honestly, you should at least do that much.”

“I don’t have any money for the deposit. I haven’t been working lately, and I had a fight with my parents, so I’m not on good terms with them…”

He’s such a terrible liar. I looked at him with a momentary pity, then sighed.

“Then I’ll just find a part-time job that includes room and board.”

“I’ll give you the deposit, but you have to move in next door.”

“…”

Despite my incredulous expression, Jung Woojin didn’t so much as twitch an eyebrow.

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want to either.”

Irritated, I threw down my spoon and stood up.

“You bastard, seriously.”

“If you don’t move in next door, I’m not giving you the money. The world is a dangerous place these days.”

“Am I a child? And you’re the most dangerous thing around here, you bastard. Honestly, if I move next door to you, how would that be any different from living here?”

When I shouted, Jung Woojin slumped his shoulders, trying to look pitiful.

“Can’t you just live here?”

“No, I can’t.”

“Please.”

Seeing his tearful face, I scoffed and picked up the discarded spoon.

“That pitiful act doesn’t work on me anymore.”

“Why are you trying to live somewhere else? Are you planning to bring someone else over?”

“I won’t bring anyone else over. Okay?”

“Then can I sleep at your place?”

I slammed the spoon down again and stood up.

“You idiot! Then what’s the point of me moving out? And I haven’t even found a place yet, so what’s with all this talk about sleeping over already?”

I finally couldn’t hold back and yelled.

“If this keeps up, we’re breaking up!”

We broke up exactly 47 minutes after starting to date.

＊ ＊ ＊

Because of Jung Woojin’s dramatic sobbing and tantrum, we got back together only ten minutes after breaking up. We cleared the dishes and sat down, each with an A4 sheet of paper, writing things down and numbering them.

“We’re writing three things each.”

“Okay.”

“You go first.”

Jung Woojin responded immediately.

“Don’t talk to other people.”

“That’s not possible.”

“Sunbae, you were the one who suggested we write down three things we absolutely shouldn’t do. And you also said no objections.”

Seeing his dissatisfied expression, I let out a hollow laugh.

“So, you want me to act mute again?”

“Okay, then, it’s fine if you run into people by chance, but don’t arrange to meet them on purpose…”

“Ugh, seriously.”

I threw the marker I was holding. As the marker rolled off the table and across the floor, Jung Woojin turned his gaze back to me. He must have sensed I was about to say, “Let’s just break up,” because he hurriedly changed his tone.

“Then, just tell me whenever you’re meeting someone.”

“That’s…”

“You can’t do that either?”

Seeing him on the verge of tears again, I snatched the marker from his hand and muttered in frustration.

“What kind of cursed fate do I have…”

I scribbled down for number 1: “Tell Jung Woojin whenever I meet someone else.”

“You have to contact me within ten minutes of meeting them. And tell me where you’re meeting them.”

At that, I added a note in parentheses: “Must contact within ten minutes and inform location.”

“What else?”

“Number 2 is to meet me at least once a day.”

“What if I’m busy?”

“Sunbae doesn’t need to do anything; I’ll come to you. And when we meet, it has to be for at least three hours.”

It could have sounded somewhat romantic, but in this situation, it felt more like dealing with a leech. I jotted down number 2.

“And the last one…”

I looked at him with an exasperated expression, urging him to hurry up. After a moment’s thought, he spoke.

“Marry me in a year…”

“Do you want to get beaten to death?”

At my threatening words, Jung Woojin quickly changed his answer.

“Okay, I’ll cancel that. Cancel.”

“If you mention marriage one more time, I’m going to rip your mouth open.”

“Are you really not going to marry me?”

“Do I look like I’ve lost my mind?”

I said incredulously, and Jung Woojin pouted, staying silent.

“Then?”

“What?”

“Who are you going to marry, then?”

How would I know, damn it. Annoyed, I replied.

“What’s your third thing?”

“Are you going to marry an older woman with big breasts…”

I reached out and clamped my hand over Jung Woojin’s mouth. I really couldn’t stand hearing that anymore. Just because I’d dated someone like that before, why was I being treated like a traitor? Irritated, I blocked his nose and mouth, and Jung Woojin responded by opening his mouth and licking my palm. Startled, I shoved his face away and pulled my hand back.

“You bastard! Number 1! No touching me without permission! Write it down! Hurry up, write it!”

Seeing my fury, Jung Woojin pouted and slowly started writing it down on the paper.

“Who are you going to marry?”

Even as he wrote, he asked again. I resisted the urge to punch him in the face and said.

“I’m not getting married, damn it. I’ve become a lifelong bachelor because of you.”

“Then not in a year, but maybe in three…”

“Number 2: Don’t pester me about marriage.”

“…”

I could see the whites of his eyes turning red again. Go ahead and cry, cry all you want. I glared at the document, making sure he didn’t mess up a single letter.

“What about number 3?”

As he asked, I was about to say something when I suddenly hesitated. I realized I’d wasted two out of the three opportunities too easily. Touching and marriage? Damn it. Jung Woojin, sensing my frustration, urged me to speak. Did this bastard plan this? I stared at him with dissatisfaction.

There were still so many things I needed to say, but only one spot left. I quietly looked at him before suggesting cautiously.

“How about we make it five things instead of three?”

“No way. If you won’t even let me touch you or talk about marriage, then five things would be too much…”

As he complained, I stared at him incredulously.

“I have to meet you every day for at least three hours and report where I’m meeting people and who I’m with, remember?”

“I’ll do the same, then. I’ll report everything—who I meet, where we meet, what time we meet, and what time we part. I can even video call you or record the meetings…”

“That won’t be necessary, you idiot.”

At my firm response, Jung Woojin pouted again. Feeling a sudden headache, I massaged my temples and said.

“Anyway, let’s just make it five.”

“Fine.”

“Then number 3 is: Don’t show up unannounced.”