Lost

“….”

“Whether you come to my house or my workplace, you only come when I tell you to.”

At my words, Jung Woojin just glared at me without writing anything down. Seeing his eyes reddening, I raised my eyebrows.

“What? What do you want?”

“Can’t I secretly come and watch?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t want to agree.”

“Even if you don’t like it—!”

“You didn’t like it when I said not to talk to other people either, Sunbae.”

I had no choice but to shut my mouth. As frustratingly annoying as it was, I couldn’t argue with that. Grinding my teeth, I said:

“Fine, you can secretly come and watch. But don’t let me know. It has to be a secret. Completely secret. Got it?”

“Okay.”

Jung Woojin pouted as he wrote down the third point. I was beyond irritated.

“Number 4 is: don’t do anything I don’t like.”

“That’s way too broad.”

Jung Woojin voiced his dissatisfaction again. When I raised my eyebrows at him, he raised his back and replied:

“Then, for my third point, I’ll write the same thing. Don’t do anything I don’t like.”

“Do you have a death wish? Why are you copying me?”

“I copy you because I like you, Sunbae.”

“You bastard! For number 4, don’t say cheesy things!”

When I shouted in frustration, Jung Woojin begrudgingly wrote down number 4, mumbling about how I wouldn’t let him do anything. Watching him grumble only made me more frustrated.

“What’s number 5?”

“Number 5…”

I felt like I’d wasted point number 4, but there was no turning back. After thinking for a while, I said:

“Treat the people I know politely and properly.”

This time, Jung Woojin wrote number 5 without complaint. After he finished, he dipped his thumb in the ink pad and stamped the paper. I wrote my name next to his and stamped it as well. As Jung Woojin wiped the ink off my hand, he said:

“I’ve only mentioned two things so far.”

“I know, damn it.”

I pulled my hand away from his and cursed under my breath, feeling exasperated. Jung Woojin quickly spoke up.

“For number 3: Don’t like anyone other than me.”

“…”

When I stared at him in disbelief, Jung Woojin shamelessly asked:

“Why not?”

“Fine, I’ll write it.”

Cursing under my breath, I wrote down number 3. As soon as I finished, Jung Woojin moved on to the fourth point.

“Number 4: Think about me at least ten times a day. And you have to text or call me to tell me what you were thinking.”

“Oh my god, seriously. Didn’t I tell you not to say cheesy things?”

“How is that cheesy? Don’t accuse me unfairly.”

“Accuse you? Accuse you of what, damn it…!”

“Hurry up and write number 4.”

Reluctantly, I ended up writing number 4 while cursing under my breath.

“What’s number 5?”

At my question, Jung Woojin started thinking seriously. Since it was the last point, he seemed to be taking extra care. I waited patiently for him. After several minutes passed, he cautiously asked:

“Can the last one be ‘love me’?”

“Is that even a question?”

At my incredulous expression, Jung Woojin pouted.

“How about ‘hate everyone but me’?”

“Do you want to die?”

“Then, how about ‘love me more than anyone else in the world’?”

“How is that different from what you said before?”

At my question, Jung Woojin confidently replied:

“Then, love me as much as I love you, Sunbae.”

“That’s impossible, now or ever.”

No matter how much time passed, I couldn’t see myself loving Jung Woojin to the point where I’d want to lock him away. Seeing his hurt expression, I wondered if I’d been too harsh, but it was the truth. When I looked away, Jung Woojin weakly said:

“Don’t say we should break up.”

“What?”

“Even as a joke, you’re not allowed to say it.”

“That’s…”

I closed my mouth with a conflicted expression. His eyes were welling up with tears again. I should say no, but suddenly my chest felt heavy. Maybe I felt guilty for threatening to break up earlier. But what if I agreed and actually wanted to break up later? As I stayed silent, Jung Woojin added:

“You don’t have to marry me, but you have to stay with me. With no one else—just me.”

“…”

“Hurry and write it down.”

He urged me. Reluctantly, I wrote number 5 carefully, letter by letter. Once I finished, even adding a period at the end, Jung Woojin immediately grabbed the paper, signed his name under it, and stamped it. I wasn’t sure if I’d been tricked or not. What just happened? As I sat there, dumbfounded, Jung Woojin grabbed my hand, dipped my thumb in ink, and looked at me with teary eyes, speaking pitifully.

“Hurry up and stamp it.”

“Wait, hold on. But number 5…”

Instead of lowering my hand, Jung Woojin lifted the paper, forcing me to stamp it. By the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late.

“Hey! Damn it, wait a second! This is canceled! Canceled!”

“That’s not allowed!”

“You forced me to stamp it!”

“I was just holding the paper! If you didn’t like it, you should’ve avoided it, Sunbae!”

“What? You little brat, are you yelling at me just because I stamped it? Huh?!”

I had never seen Jung Woojin so stubborn, glaring at me with wide eyes. As I shouted in disbelief, Jung Woojin suddenly softened his gaze and said out of nowhere:

“I want to hug you.”

“What?”

“I want to kiss you too.”

“What are you saying?”

“You said I need permission.”

I was so taken aback by his words that I replied:

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“I don’t need a reason to not want to, damn it. Get lost.”

“Then think about me.”

“What?”

Jung Woojin confidently pointed at the fourth item on the list.

“Think about me ten times a day and tell me what you were thinking.”

“…”

“Hurry up and think about me and tell me what it was.”

I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.

…Am I really handling this well? I must be, right?

＊ ＊ ＊

A few days passed.

Working at a bar was still the best way to make money, but I ended up compromising on a convenience store job because Jung Woojin would probably collapse from shock if I worked at the bar until dawn. I agreed to work nine hours a day, from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. The store was near my old one-room apartment, and I was planning to get a new place nearby. After looking around, it turned out that Jung Woojin was right — rent prices had skyrocketed, and it was way more expensive than when I first rented my one-room. What the hell? Why are rent prices so high? I was cursing under my breath when a text came in.

The message made me grit my teeth. I sighed and started to reply but then paused.

Somehow, these days felt oddly normal.

It seemed like just yesterday that I wanted to strangle Jung Woojin whenever I saw him, but now it wasn’t that bad. I was still angry, but not to the point where I felt like I was going to die. When I was living like a corpse, even seeing him made me sick with rage.

But it wasn’t unfamiliar. In fact, it felt more comfortable. Maybe it was because of the memories of living with Jung Woojin after I lost my memory. Maybe deep down, this is what I’d been hoping for all along.

Both Jung Woojin and I weren’t just lying around like corpses as time passed; we were fighting, struggling to survive, somehow trying to live.

If we kept living like this, eventually, something would come of it. With that thought, I typed out my reply.

I barely sent the text when another one immediately came in.

As soon as I sent that reply, my phone rang. Of course, it was Jung Woojin.

“What?”

I was so taken aback that I asked:

“Why would you come when I’m meeting a friend?”

Jung Woojin started trying to persuade me step by step.

“No. Absolutely not.”

My firm refusal left Jung Woojin silent. All I could hear through the phone was his urgent breathing, as if he was fuming. I could practically see him seething. Just then, the door chimed, and a customer walked in. It was Gapjin.

“Hey, you’re here.”

“When do you get off? Are you on the phone?”

“Yeah, hang on.”

I quickly shoved my phone into my pocket and said:

“Just head to any pub nearby. I’ll be done in ten or twenty minutes.”

My phone buzzed non-stop in my pocket. I watched Gapjin leave the store, then took out my phone. There were already five new texts.

I couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief as I scrolled through the typo-riddled messages. Then, another message came in.

This time, there were no typos.

As I stared at the message, I looked up and saw a familiar car screech to a stop outside. The tint was so dark that I couldn’t see inside, but I didn’t need to. It was obvious who was in that car. Did this bastard not understand the meaning of “secretly”? It was absurd.

Clicking my tongue in frustration, I left the convenience store and called Gapjin.

“Where are you?”

Gyeonghwan hyung was a friendly sunbae from the same school, but he had graduated and now ran a small pub nearby.

“Yeah, I know. Wait a bit, I just finished.”

I glanced at Jung Woojin’s car as I walked past. I worried for a moment that he might follow me in his car, but thankfully, it didn’t move. I hurried to the pub. I used to come here all the time with that bastard Gapjin. As I stepped inside, lost in nostalgia, I was greeted by the familiar scent of cigarette smoke mixed with a bit of dust.

“You’re here.”

Gapdol raised his hand. Since it was still early, we were the only customers.

“Where’s hyung?”

“He stepped out for a bit. By the way, did you really get all your memories back?”

“Yeah, you bastard. Stop looking at me like I’m a patient.”

When I frowned, Gapdol lit a cigarette and leaned back against the sofa.

“Life really throws some weird stuff at you, huh?”

“That’s my line.”

“So, what are you going to do about Jung Woojin?”

“What about Jung Woojin?”

I felt a slight pang but asked nonchalantly. Gapjin frowned.

“What’s really going on between you two?”

“What do you mean, damn it?”

“It’s really weird.”

Gapdol narrowed his eyes and stared at me. I started to sweat nervously, so I quickly changed the subject.

“You said you ran into Jung Woojin a few days ago?”

“That guy’s really mellowed out.”

“What?”

“When he gave me the laptop, he was a complete jerk…”

Gapdol scratched his head in confusion as he cursed, and I scowled.

“Back then, you were the one being a rude bastard first.”

“I don’t know, anyway, we talked about grabbing a drink next time.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I felt like it, damn it. So, what’s going on between you two?”

“Ugh, nothing!”

I stomped my foot and smacked the table in frustration. Gapjin took the cigarette out of his mouth, flicked the ash, and grumbled.

“Your temper is seriously the worst.”

“You’re no better, you idiot.”

“Just drink your damn drink.”

“You drink yours, asshole.”

I poured soda into my glass.

“Why soda?”

Gapjin asked with a puzzled expression. I stared at the fizzing bubbles in the soda with a complicated look and replied,

“Well…”

“What?”

“Never mind. So, why did you ask to meet today?”

“Oh.”

Gapdol, who had been lounging on the sofa, sat up straight, leaned forward, and rested his arms on the table.

“Want to go on a blind date?”

“What?”

“Remember that girl we took that general education class with? The one with the short curly hair… pale skin and red lips?”

“How am I supposed to remember that? What’s her name?”

“Jung Hyoju. You once said she was super cute. She’s cute but has a big chest and is tall.”

My eyebrow twitched at that. Big chest and tall. I had a hunch, so I asked,

“Is she a sunbae?”

“Yeah, she’s a year older. You really don’t remember?”

An older woman, huh.

Without hesitation, I firmly replied,

“Forget it, no way. I don’t want to hear anything.”

“Why, you bastard? I already told the sunbae you’d probably say yes and to just wait a bit.”

“I said no, you jerk.”

“Why!”

“I just don’t want to!”

“Why! Why! Why!”

Suddenly, Gapjin started shouting like a madman. I seriously considered smacking him in the head, but just then, the door opened, and a familiar face walked in.

“Oh, hyung.”

It was Gyeonghwan hyung, whom I hadn’t seen in almost half a year.

“Why is it so hard to see your face?”

“I’m a busy man.”

“Ugh, why!”

“Why’s he acting like that?”

“I don’t know. Just ignore him.”

I sighed as I looked at Gapjin in disbelief. Ignoring Gapjin, Gyeonghwan hyung sat down across from me.

“What’s been keeping you so busy?”

“Just this and that…”

“I heard you quit school?”

“Yeah, somehow, that’s how it turned out.”

Hyung and I continued chatting, exchanging pleasantries while ignoring Gapjin’s childish outburst. After a while, when Gapjin had finally calmed down, hyung asked him,

“You’re going abroad soon, right? About a month left?”

Gapjin nodded at Gyeonghwan hyung’s question.

“Yeah, I’ve got about that much time left.”

“Where did you say you were going again?”

“The U.S.”

I couldn’t bring myself to join their conversation. I just kept sipping my soda with a tense expression when Gapdol asked,

“Why are you so quiet? You asleep?”

“I’m not asleep.”

“Then what’s with you?”

“Yeah, why are you so quiet today?” Hyung chimed in. I couldn’t tell them the truth about the study abroad trip. It wasn’t even my doing, yet I felt guilty and anxious… Damn it. I slammed my glass onto the table and said,

“Screw the studying abroad crap, just drink your damn alcohol!”

“Why the hell are you so pissed off, you bastard? And why are

just drinking soda like some high schooler, you idiot?”

“I’m quitting drinking.”

“What?”

Both Gapdol and even Gyeonghwan hyung looked at me in shock.

“Why all of a sudden? Are you…?”

Gapdol looked me up and down suspiciously, trailing off. I shook my head.

“I’m not sick or anything. I just… Anyway, I quit smoking too.”

“You bastard.”

Suddenly, Gapdol cursed with a serious look. Then he said earnestly,

“You can tell me!”

“Tell you what, damn it?”

“Are you sick?”

“I’m not, you idiot!”

“Then why are you quitting drinking and smoking?”

“Because I want to! You quit too, damn it!”

“No way, you damn idiot! Are you really sick?”

As we yelled back and forth, Gyeonghwan hyung winced at the noise and covered his ears. Just then, the door chimed as it opened again. I turned, thinking it was a customer, but a man I had never seen before walked in. Gyeonghwan hyung stood up and waved.

“Oh, you’re here.”

The man was dressed in a sharp black suit, his hair slicked back with wax. He had a handsome face with a smarmy smile hanging on his lips. He looked like a celebrity, and I frowned at the sight. Then I heard Gapjin quietly cursing under his breath. I glanced at him, puzzled, and saw that he had turned his back to Gyeonghwan hyung so he couldn’t see. Gapjin mouthed the words to me:

“That guy’s gay.”

“What?”

Shit. Gapdol cursed again and began gulping down his drink. I kept staring at the man talking to Gyeonghwan hyung from a distance and asked, just in case,

“So what? Does he like you?”

“Are you out of your mind? If that were the case, why would I even come here?”

Gapjin cursed again, clearly horrified, and I nodded. I had thought about telling him later how I ended up living with Jung Woojin, but it seemed like something I’d have to keep a secret for the rest of my life. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. Thinking back, I used to be like Gapdol, too. Damn it, how did I end up like this? As I was lost in thought, my phone vibrated.

Gapdol noticed me staring at my phone and asked,

“Who is it?”

I almost said Jung Woojin but stopped myself. If I told him it was Jung Woojin, he’d definitely ask why that guy was texting me, and what would I even say? I already couldn’t explain why I lived with him. Damn it, so annoying.

“Just someone asking for a loan.”

I snapped irritably, and Gapdol laughed.

＊ ＊ ＊

After finishing off my soda, I stepped outside and saw Jung Woojin’s car right in front of me. I was speechless. With a sigh, I opened the front passenger door and got in. Jung Woojin’s eyes widened in surprise. I leaned back against the seat and said,

“What are you staring at? Just drive.”

“I was just stopping by.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up and drive. I’m exhausted.”

At my words, Jung Woojin quietly started the car.

“What did you do?”

“Just hung out.”

“Hung out doing what?”

“Just talked.”

“Talked about what?”

“Study abroad stuff.”

“When’s he leaving?”

“You probably know better than I do.”

As we made small talk, we arrived home. I was so tired, my body felt heavy, and I didn’t want to move. Just as I was closing my eyes and sinking into the seat, Jung Woojin suddenly made a U-turn and passed the house.

“Where are you going?”

“For a drive.”

Fine, that sounded better. I let myself relax again, sinking into the seat, when Jung Woojin suddenly asked,

“Can I kiss you?”

“No.”

“Then how about a peck?”

“No.”

“Then can I just give you a hug?”

No, damn it. I frowned at him, then suddenly realized why he was acting like this.

“I haven’t been drinking.”

“…”

“I downed three bottles of soda, is that enough for you?” I said, and only then did Jung Woojin burst into a wide smile. I don’t know who said you can’t spit on a smiling face, but I seriously wanted to spit right in his. Because of him, I couldn’t drink, couldn’t go on a blind date… I even sent my best friend abroad… Ugh, damn it. What kind of luck do I have?

“Did you think about me today?”

“Of course I did. I was thinking of you the whole time I was drinking that soda earlier.”

“Really?”

Seeing how happy Jung Woojin looked, I couldn’t help but smile and nod along.

“What were you thinking about?”

“You wouldn’t want to know; it’s bad for your mental health.”

At that, Jung Woojin’s face fell again. The guy’s expressions changed fast. He could go from crying to laughing, getting sulky to being happy in no time, with all his emotions written plainly on his face.

“Are you really tired?”

“Yeah, totally.”

“Can’t you just quit?”

“Nope. Gotta make money.”

Just then, the car suddenly screeched to a stop. I hadn’t even put on my seatbelt, so I was startled and yelled at Jung Woojin.

“What the hell! Why did you hit the brakes like that, you idiot?!”

It was lucky we were in a small alley, or we could’ve easily gotten into an accident.

“Sunbae!”

Either oblivious or not caring about my outburst, Jung Woojin’s eyes sparkled with anticipation as he called my name. His overly affectionate gaze made me pause for a moment, and then he suddenly grabbed my hand.

“Sunbae, you make 5,200 won an hour at your part-time job, right? I’ll pay you 52,000 won. How about becoming our housekeeper…?”

“Screw off!”

I yanked my hand away and shouted, but Woojin wasn’t about to give up.

“Then how about being our gardener!”

“Get lost!”

“A chef!”

“Go away!”

“A tutor!”

“What?”

A tutor? I paused mid-curse, genuinely confused. Tutor for what? I looked at him, and Jung Woojin answered seriously.

“Tying a tie, shaving, getting dressed, ironing… things like that.”

“…”

Watching him silently as he continued thinking of more tasks, I felt strangely not angry, just deeply conflicted. Honestly, how was someone like him supposed to survive in this tough world? I had never met anyone this clueless. Sighing, I heard him add softly.

“Or maybe tying shoelaces…”

“Stop talking nonsense and just drive.”

“Or… a boarder…”

“You want me to be a boarder at your house?”

“Yes.”

“You’re going to pay a boarder 52,000 won an hour?”

When I asked, Jung Woojin casually replied like it was no big deal.

“Then I’ll be the boarder, and you can be the landlord.”

“…”

“We could just put the house in your name.”

… What am I supposed to do with this idiot? Seeing my troubled expression, Jung Woojin waited anxiously for my response. I sighed again, leaned back in my seat, and said,

“Quit your nonsense and just drive.”

“Then you wouldn’t have to find a house…”

“Drive.”

“You know, with house prices so high these days and wages not keeping up…”

Woojin kept mumbling nonsense. It was ridiculous, but oddly, I didn’t feel particularly angry. I closed my eyes and just let his rambling wash over me. When I didn’t react, Woojin finally gave up and started the car.

As we left the alley and merged onto the main road, I said, just in case,

“If you pull that sudden stop crap again, you’re dead.”

Woojin nodded and then, as if remembering something, said,

“Then, Sunbae, you could be my driver…”

“Stop at that already.”

“…”

This guy seriously didn’t know the meaning of moderation.

I sighed again, and Woojin, seeing my frustration, pursed his lips and stayed quiet.

The moment I got home from this chaotic drive, I turned on my computer and started looking for a place to live. Woojin, clearly dissatisfied, kept nagging me to find something nearby.

“Property prices around here are crazy expensive.”

“But you’ll be using my money anyway.”

“And I’ll be the one paying it back.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Do I look like a freeloader to you?”

I glared at him, and Woojin frowned. Ignoring him, I focused on finding a decent place for the best value. After a bit of searching, I found a studio apartment near the convenience store where I worked. It came fully furnished, so I didn’t need much. Still, I had to buy small things like bedding, toothpaste, and a toothbrush… I’d head to the supermarket on my day off and grab everything at once.

As I stood at the convenience store counter, lost in those thoughts, I got a text.

It was from Woojin.

Another one.

And another.

Yet another text.

The store was packed with customers today, so I was busy as it was. The constant buzzing from my phone was driving me crazy. Irritated, I held down the power button until the phone turned off.

“That’ll be 5,600 won,” I said to the customer.

For a while, I forgot all about Woojin, focusing on scanning items and handling the line of customers. Then, with a ‘ding,’ the door opened.

“Welcome…”

I greeted automatically with a smile, only to freeze when I saw who it was. Jung Woojin. My face hardened instantly, and Woojin, noticing, awkwardly offered an excuse.

“Your phone… is it out of battery?”

“What?”

“Your phone. It was turned off, so I figured…”

I couldn’t believe it. Did he really come all the way here just because my phone was off? Or had he been lurking nearby this whole time?

“Excuse me.”

The customer I had been serving earlier, noticing I’d stopped scanning, prodded me to hurry up. Apologizing, I quickly resumed the checkout process. Meanwhile, more customers entered, and I greeted them in turn, packed their purchases into bags, and wished them well. At some point, I forgot that Woojin was standing beside me.

“That’ll be 20,500 won. Would you like a bag for…?”