Moonlit Waters

I feel miserable. It takes me a long time to fall asleep and I don’t feel rested at all when I wake up again.

I know that what I did was right. I know I had to do it, but the way his voice had sounded, the way his expression had changed when he’d realised that I wouldn’t be coming back… I know it would have only been worse for him, had I waited a week longer, had we indulged in this fantasy longer.

And yet still, there’s a queasy feeling in my stomach whenever I think of him – which is to say constantly.

Yesterday wasn’t just a fluke. The way I feel about Alex doesn’t change when my body changes. I love him. Simple as that.

There’d been a time when I hadn’t been quite sure what love even felt like. I know now.

I can’t get his face out of my head, can’t brush the after-image of his lips off mine.

Which, of course, only makes it worse. Because like him, I want to indulge in this fantasy longer. Every few seconds, my brain goes, but what could one more night hurt only to be painfully shoved away by the knowledge that it would, in fact, hurt a lot. It wouldn’t only be wrong, but it would also make it harder for both of us.

I can never go back there. I can never tell him. The girl named Selena doesn’t exist. Alex isn’t gay. I don’t think I am, either. Alex is a glitch in my system. An anomaly that needs patching.

A relationship isn’t an option. He’s my best friend. How would I even tell him? That’s right. I can’t. Not after everything I did. He’d hate me for it, surely.

I don’t go to eat breakfast with my parents. I only realise what the time is, when Pearl knocks at my door.

“Are you sad again, Timmy?” she asks with a worried face.

I shake my head and give her an unconvinced smile. “Just stayed up a little too long yesterday.”

She comes in and sits on the bed next to me. She’s not buying it, of course.
“You wanted to go to the party today, remember? With Isa and Alex?”

Right. I totally forgot about that.

Isa will be there. In fact, she’ll be coming around in a few hours to prepare in our bathroom. The bathrooms in the hostel are public, pretty much. She said she’d feel awkward preparing there. I can’t exactly tell her that I no longer feel like going, can I? She doesn’t know the sad, depressed Timothy.

Alex will be there too, though, and I really don’t want to find out whether I can bear the sight of what I did.

With a groan, I turn onto my side and check my phone. It’s one PM. Isa is scheduled for three o’clock.

There are three unread texts from Alex.

Alex: Hey, I don’t think I can make it to the party. I’m feeling really sick and also didn’t sleep well last night. Might take a bit, till I’m on my feet again.

Alex: Have fun at the party, though.

Alex: I swear to God. If you don’t go just because I’m not going, I’ll come over and kick your ass so hard you won’t have to worry about transportation out of town.

A small smile picks at the corners of my mouth. That makes it easier, doesn’t it? He won’t be there, so maybe I’ll be able to distract myself a little. Who knows, the alcohol might get my spirits back up. Just don’t think about yesterday night. Forget it, just for today. Maybe tomorrow the solution will present itself.

-

Isa is far more punctual than me. The doorbell rings only a minute past the agreed-upon time.

Before I can even get up from the kitchen table, Pearl has already sprinted along the corridor and pulled the door open.

“Isa!”

Muffled words and giggling follow. Leisurely, I get up and head out into the hallway.

Pearl is standing by the door she has just closed, beaming at Isa, who’s currently taking off her shoes.

“Oh, hey Tim.” She looks up in my direction. The wave of her hand is interrupted when she has to put back a stray strand of hair.

For just a second, I consider growing my hair out. I like the feeling of it, the weight on my scalp. Especially in the water, it feels amazing.

Then I’m snapped back to reality. It wouldn’t suit me. I’m a man, and anyway, it’s a shit ton of work.

“Hey,” I say with a forced smile. “Looks like you brought a lot of stuff.” Indeed, her backpack seems to be on the verge of bursting.

She nods. “Yup. I thought you could maybe help me pick an outfit?”

I shrug. “Sure.” After all, two hours should be more than enough time.

So I take her upstairs and show her the bathroom. It doesn’t take long and she’s put on the first outfit.

She knows what she’s doing. Not that I hadn’t realised before, but the next forty minutes do a great job of driving the point home.

All the outfits are rather skimpy, but I suppose that’s alright, considering the weather and the occasion.

Each time she comes out of the bathroom, there’s an excited squeal from Pearl, who insisted on watching the whole procedure. She loves it when Isa walks into my room like a model along a catwalk.

It’s fun. Having Pearl so happy makes it easy for me to laugh as well when Isa makes ridiculous faces. It would’ve been a great distraction, if not for the fact that I constantly find myself wondering how it would feel to be in her place. Would Selena look as good in those clothes?

In the end, we settle on washed-out hot pants, white trainers and a olive crop top. For later in the evening, when it gets colder, she also has a lilac cropped hoodie.

Putting on make up also takes a while. Not necessarily because her make up routine is particularly complicated. No, the reason is Pearl, who keeps pestering her with questions and wants be have makeup put on her as well. Isa ends up doing more on Pearl than on herself, smoky eyes and all that stuff. Mum almost faints when she sees her daughter all donned up like that, but ends up finding it funny too.

By the time we arrive at the barn where the party is being held, it is six in the evening. The sun is still up, but the temperature has dropped a little. The heat isn’t as heavy anymore and the walk was relaxed.

Quite a number of people are already there. Roughly thirty teenagers are milling about the place, sitting in the grass in small groups, red plastic cups in their hands. The music coming from the barn is relaxed and upbeat, nobody’s dancing yet. The party is still only starting. People are still getting drunk. It’ll only get loud once the sun has set.

“It’s nice,” Isa says as we stroll to a free patch of grass in one of the many circles that have formed.

Most of the people there are classmates of mine, boys and girls that seem a little surprised to see me here, but welcome the two of us with smiles and waves. There are a few raised eyebrows in my direction when Isa isn’t looking, but I just shrug and give out vague smiles.

Are you two a thing?

Who knows?

They’re nice. They let us participate in conversation; one girl even tells a few small stories in an effort to make me appear impressive to Isa. Isa seems to enjoy it a lot. She even tells a few stories of her own, for example how she and her friends climbed onto her school’s roof to drink and party - until the orderlies appeared. According to her, that’s the most fun about it all. Spending the rest of the night running away in a giddy rush of excitement, even though the orderlies have long stopped giving chase.

I enjoy it, too. All the talk and first symptoms of drunkenness are a nice distraction. It’s like they’re actual friends of mine, all those boys and girls from school that I barely ever talked to. Of course, most of us have known one another since preschool times, if not longer. Yet still, I didn’t expect it all to be so easy, so natural. In spite of everything going on in my life at the moment.

And with my skin going a little numb, it is so easy to forget about Alex. It is so easy to forget about my problems, to forget about myself even, and become simply content.

Soon enough, the sun sets. For many, the effect of the fifth drink sets in, the mood rises, voices and music get louder. Coloured, moving light spills out of the barn. It doesn’t take long before there are only few teenagers still sitting out in the grass.

Both Isa and I are reasonably drunk. I want to dance. Which is exactly what we end up doing.

The barn is big. Among stacks of hay balls, there’s easily enough place for everybody to fit. The air is thick with the smell of hay and sweat. The music is loud and just perfect to jump around to in a manner that clearly indicates how little of a clue about dancing I have, but also, how little I care.

I don’t know how long I stay in the barn. For a wonderful eternity, there’s nothing but the music. The music, the dance floor. Moments blend into minutes, minutes into hours – until my head hurts and my legs grow tired.

At that point, it must’ve been quite some time. The crowd inside has thinned out.

On wobbly legs, I step outside. The fresh air hits me like a hammer to the face – only in a pleasant way. It feels like suddenly I can breathe when before, I couldn’t.

Many must’ve gone home by now. Even outside the barn, there aren’t many partygoers left.

I find Isa quite a ways away from the barn, lying against the soft slope of a hill. She's wearing her hoody now. Out here, the music is only a muffled, far-away noise.

“You left,” I say plainly, lying back next to her.

“I did. I got tired and you looked like you were enjoying yourself.” She’s smiling, I can hear it. “I didn’t want to interrupt that.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

The nightly air is pleasantly cool against my skin. I have honestly no clue how I didn’t have a stroke in there.

“So were you?”

“Huh?”

She turns her head. Moonlight sparkles in her eyes and she grins. “Enjoying yourself.”

I nod and put back my arms to rest my head on. “Yes, I suppose I was.”

“Great idea to come here, wasn’t it? Shame Alex couldn’t make it, though.”

There’s a twinge in my stomach at the mention of his name. What? Does she want him to be here more than me?

“You’re aware he’s just trying to set us up, right?” I don’t know why I’m saying it. The words don’t need any conscious effort to leave my lips, they simply spill out. Maybe I want her to confirm that actually, it is all about getting close to Alex.

“And what if I wanted to be set up?” Her head turns to face me, her eyes lock with mine and hold them in place. It’s hypnotic. Her whispering voice, the starlight, reflected in her eyes. Only now that we’re facing each other do I realise, how close we are. “What if I thought you were cute? What if I liked the way you’re shy around me? What if I liked the way you open up little by little, or the way you talk as you’re looking up at the stars?”

She pushes up until she’s leaning on her elbow and I have to move my head to keep eye contact.
My heart is racing, my stomach does leap after leap. Isn’t this exactly what I wanted?

Isa leans in until our faces are mere inches apart. “Would it be alright,” she whispers with a serious expression, “if I kissed you now?”

“Yes.” Again, it doesn’t quite feel like it’s me saying the word. Even though it should be me, even though it is me.

Slowly, her lips come closer. I close my eyes and her lips brush against mine delicately. Another kiss follows, then another, and another. She brings her hand up to caress the side of my neck as she leans over me.

Her lips are softer than Alex’s. Her kisses have more power behind them, they’re more confident.
It’s different, but nice.

When finally she has to catch her breath, I’m all hot in the face.

“Do you like it?” she asks and the warmth of her words briefly touches the skin of my cheeks.

I nod. This is all I wanted. This should be love. But is it?
“But aren’t you going to leave soon?”

She shrugs. “Why would that keep us from enjoying the time until then?”

I momentary silence ensues.

“So… do you think you love me?”

Again, she shrugs. “I like you. I think you’re cute. But I don’t think I know you well enough to love you yet, huh? But does it have to be love?” She grins. “Can’t we just… have fun and figure it out along the way?” She puts back a strand of hair that was tickling my cheek.

“So, what do you say?”

Again, I nod. This is perfect. “And when you leave?”

“Then we go back to our lives... until we meet again.”
She leans down and kisses me again, and I kiss her back.

No, it doesn’t have to be love. I like her, but I’m not sure I love her. But still, this is nice. It’ll help me get through the next week and once she leaves, she’ll take Selena with her. The comet is going to leave sometime next weekend. Everything will go back to normal, except that Alex and I will get along again. We’ll get better together. Everything will be alright.