Moonlit Waters

“Morning,” I say with a yawn, as Isa comes into the kitchen. Of course, it was Pearl who opened the door for her. Once again, I didn’t get the chance to get up and do it myself.

“Hi.” Leisurely, she sits down in the chair across from me. There’s a small smile on her lips and humour sparkles in her eyes.

I halt, the spoon with cereal suspended mid-air. “Something up?”

The smile broadens. “What? Can’t I want to spend time with my boyfriend?”

As if on command, Pearl’s head pops past the doorframe, wide-eyed and all.

“YOU’RE A COUPLE??”

My heart jumps.

Seconds later, she’s at my side, jumping up and down like a rubber ball, pulling my arm with violent excitement. “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!”

Another few seconds later, she has run out of the room, apparently looking for Mum and Dad.
“Timmy’s got a girlfriend! Timmy’s got a girlfriend!”

I get up. “Great. Very well done.” I say it with a grin, I’m not annoyed. How could I be, seeing Pearl get so excited over my apparent well-being?

I leave the bowl of cereal on the table and make my way to the shoe rack. Isa follows.

“So you’re not gonna wait for your parent’s reaction?” she asks with amusement as I tie my shoes.

I shake my head. “Certainly not.” They won’t be just all over me, but her as well. Uncomfortable isn’t even a word for it. I know there’s no way around this, but right now I can delay it a little, so I will.

The heat outside is pressing. The air is heavy, but I don’t mind much. I’m in a good mood.

Yes, I haven’t heard of Alex yet, and I’m pretty sure he isn’t doing too well, but I know we’ll get through this together. If only I manage to keep my shit together.

And in that department, things are looking good.

As sweat begins to accumulate under my arms and in my neck, Isa and I make our way to the lake and around it. We talk about everything and nothing, we joke around and laugh a lot. We get along great and I can’t help but feel like we’ve known one another for ages already.

“Is it always this hot around here in summer?” Isa asks as we arrive at a small forest and I can see energy stream back into her body, when before it had hidden away from the heat.

I shake my head. “Isn’t it like that all over the country? Heat waves, draughts… Usually, it’s barely warm enough for the water to be comfortable.”

“Do you like swimming?”

She stops and I turn. My heart stops when I see excited curiosity in her eyes.

Despite knowing what she’s on about, I say, “I guess.” I’m not quick enough to come up with a good lie. If she should find out that I lied to her… I imagine that wouldn’t end well.

“Wanna go for a dip, then?”

My heart is racing, thinking is hard. It’s like my emotions have caught somewhere and my brain can’t properly process them.

Fuck

Yeah, that’s a pretty good way of putting it.

“But we don’t have bathing clothes with us,” I say lamely. What arguments could I possibly offer against swimming? The weather’s great, I feel like my skin’s melting off my bones any moment now.

She laughs. “But you do have underwear. C’mon, we’re pretty much alone here, and anyway, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now. I don’t mind if you see me in my underwear.”

That our clothes will get wet isn’t much of an argument either. They won’t take long to dry and wearing wet clothes will be more comfortable anyway.

I give myself a tug and try to smile. What do I know? Since the comet has arrived, I haven’t gone swimming during the day. I have no clue whether the water will even change me into Selena at daytime. And I want to go swimming too. It’s way too hot. Maybe, if I concentrate hard enough, I won’t change?

“Sure.”

We leave the path and make our way through the underbrush, until we arrive at the water.
There’s no beach here. Instead, we find ourselves standing on a small ledge of earth, held up by roots, maybe a foot above the water.

“Alright then,” she says and takes off her shoes. “Do you need help undressing?” The grin she offers is cheeky, but the humour doesn’t catch on.

“No, I’m fine…” Slowly, I take off my shoes, then my t-shirt. I leave on my shorts, though, and she doesn’t say anything about it. While I’m busy taking out my phone and putting it away safely, she has stripped down to her underwear and wades out into the water.

Once again, I can’t help but notice her beauty. The simple fact that someone like her would even be interested in dating someone like me, even only for a week… seems crazy.

“This is amazing!” she squeals as the water reaches past her knees. “Gosh, it’s freaking perfect!”

Reluctantly, I straighten myself and walk closer to the ledge, carefully paying attention where I’m placing my bare feet.

A light breeze hits my bare chest and stomach. It does little to cool away the heat. I know what will, though.

My face, my whole body is tense as I lower my right foot into the shallow water. The ground underneath the surface is muddy with plants wrapping around my toes lazily. My lips are pressed together tightly as I take another step out, and another, and another.

The water leaks up my legs, past my knees. The cold is pleasant, but it does little to soothe the anxiety.

“Why so tense?” I hear Isa laugh, but her voice catches and falls silent and the very moment it does, I know why.

I recognize the feeling that creeps up into my body, the strange and yet familiar sensation as bones shift without pain, as muscles tighten, skin stretches and hair grows. But this time there’s no joy at the tingling. I don’t want to change, but my body betrays me.

This is a nightmare. A nightmare that has followed me into the light of day.

Without my being able to do anything about it, my shoulders start to shiver. My arms try desperately to hide the changes all too obvious. Tears of frustration streak down my cheeks as fingers claw at my skin in a vain effort to press the forming breast tissue back past my ribs.

“Tim, what’s… Are you-” Isa begins. But she doesn’t finish the unnecessary question, and I don’t reply.

My lower lip is quivering. My knees feel like Jell-O and suddenly, they buckle and I crash into the water.

Then, before I know it, arms lift me back past the surface. Isa holds me up with one hand as the other one gathers the curtain of wet hair clinging to my face and puts it back.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she whispers and wraps me in a tight hug. She continues making shushing noises and patting my back for a while, until the trembling against her body stops and my arms rise up to answer the embrace.

Only then does she formulate an actual sentence. “The comet did this to you, didn’t it?”

Once again, my heart skips a beat. But this time, it isn’t out of fright or panic. It’s surprise that quickly turns into hope. She might understand.

“How do you know?” I whisper, not daring to use my feminine voice.

She doesn’t raise her voice either. “Didn’t you watch the news? People have changed all over the world. Less than a dozen have been reported so far, but I doubt it’ll stay at that. So don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll figure something out, okay?” It’s a moment of shared intimacy and vulnerability. The smile she gives me as she pulls away to lead me back to shore is small and kind. She’s so different from her usual self. Her confidence has stayed, but it is no longer off-putting, but reassuring.

“So how does this work,” she asks as she’s handing me my shirt so I can cover up.

It feels strange to be Selena at daytime. There’s no darkness to feel comfortably invisible in. But the warmth against my skin is a nice change to the cooler nights.

“The water changes me,” I say. Weirdly, I have no difficulty talking about it, now that the initial influx of emotions has passed.

“And how long do you stay that way?” Her shirt is clinging tightly to her wet bra. I register it, but I don’t really feel the urge to stare.

I shrug. “Not sure. I always fall asleep before I change back.” I don’t meet her eyes as I sit on a root to clean my feet and put my shoes on, only to take them right off again. They’re too big, I forgot. I’ll just walk barefoot, it’s warm enough.

“So you’ve changed several times?”

“Except last, every night since the comet’s arrived.”

“Deliberately?”

My crimson cheeks are answer enough. I pick up my shoes with one hand and we start back towards the path. There’s no need to tell her that I don’t feel like being near the water.

“So, if you liked being changed then,” she muses, interpreting my expression correctly, “what has changed since then?”

Carefully, I climb over a bramble. Just yesterday, it seemed impossible to ever be honest about this. But now it’s so easy. “I realised that I can’t ever be Selena.”

She doesn’t reply immediately. When I look over my shoulder, she’s looking at me curiously.

“Selena,” she says, testing the feel of the word in her mouth. “That’s a nice name.”

My face grows even hotter and she halts.

“Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” Her expression is genuinely worried.

I shake my head hastily, growing even more red. “No, no!”

She raises an eyebrow skeptically.

“I mean yes,” I add, not meeting her eyes. “But that’s fine? Now that you know, anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” she says again. “I shouldn’t’ve made you come into the water. I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry.”

Well. What’s there to be done about it now? That ship has sailed.

“I could’ve just said no,” I mumble, but don’t press the matter.

“So… Where do you wanna go now, until you’re changed back? I suspect it’s not home?” she asks after a while as we make our way along the path.

I nod. “We could go to the waterfall?” But another matter is pressing on my mind. “Also… Could you please not tell anybody about this?”

She ruffles her forehead. “I mean, yes, of course. If you don’t want me to talk about it to anyone, I won’t. But if this is a permanent condition, don’t you think you should tell people about it? Before they find out by accident.” Like she did.

“But it isn’t permanent,” I insist. “It’ll stop once the comet leaves.”

She opens her mouth, clearly wanting to contradict, but closes it again. She knows that I can’t know for sure, but that’s not the point. “So, uh, I know this must be a little awkward for you,” she begins then, pensively combing her hair with one hand, “but do you think you’d like to explain your situation to me? Because from what I gather, you like being Selena, do you not?”

I shrug. “Yes? It’s like… I don’t know, like I’m a different person, sort of. Like my brain is wired differently and it’s easier to laugh and talk and enjoy a beautiful moment.”

Apparently, it’s also a lot easier to talk about my feelings, which does little to keep me from blushing hard as soon as I realise what I’ve just said.

She smiles at me encouragingly, but doesn’t say anything yet.

I give myself a tug. If I’m already being open, why not all the way?

“I know this’ll sound really weird, so please don’t think about it too hard. But I… like feeling pretty?” I don’t meet her eyes, but I force myself to add, “Like, I don’t really ever feel beautiful as Timothy and, I know it’s weird, it just makes me feel better.”

My voice trails off and I glance up.

There is no confusion meeting me in her gaze, only hazel understanding.

“It’s really not. I like feeling pretty too, you know?” With a warm smile, she offers me her hand and I take it. Our fingers interlace, but there’s nothing romantic about it. It’s reassuring and comforting – though a little sweaty – but not romantic.

“But if being Selena feels better or whatever, why not tell your parents about it? Or Alex? I’m sure they’d -”

“No!” I reply, more heatedly than intended. Then, to explain, I add, “I am Timothy Crow. That’s my identity, I can’t just run away from that. Just becoming somebody else because I’m scared of having to deal with my shit… that would be cowardly.”

She looks at me long and hard. I can feel it, but I don’t meet her gaze.

Then, after a while, she says, “Do you remember when I said not to worry about the future too much?”

Well, she didn’t say that directly, but it was implied in her words, so I nod.

“I think we’re in a similar situation right now. I mean, what good does it do you?”

I shrug, but don’t say anything.

Giving in to the temptation is dangerous. What if I lose myself to it?

But then again, Isa isn’t Alex. And Isa knows anyway, so it might be fine?

Now, I nod. “I guess.”

She gives a little squeal. “This is so exciting!”

-

The rest of the day is good. Together, we make our way to the waterfall and sit and talk. The conversation becomes a lot more shallow quickly and we laugh a lot. It’s a bit like the day before, when it’d felt so easy to talk and simply be content, only that now I’m not drunk.

When finally, five hours later, I change back, it feels like I’m coming down from a high, kind of. Only that Isa is there to catch me and distract me from the fact that I’m no longer Selena. She jokes and talks for the two of us as we walk back home.

There, my parents are already waiting for our return anxiously. The moment we enter, they’re there, asking whether Pearl was just playing a prank or whether she was actually right.

We tell them the truth, that we’re together but not all to serious. But that’s more than enough for my parents to invite Isa to stay for dinner.

Isa accepts and Mum disappears into the kitchen. Until she is finished, Dad, Pearl, Isa and I busy ourselves with board games. Again, it is great fun. Dad obviously tries really hard not to be his usual, goofy self and instead tries to be cool and fun. It’s endearing, even though – or maybe even because – he only succeeds partly.

Later, we eat casserole, a dish I remember vividly from my childhood that Mum hasn’t made in a long time. At the table, Isa and Pearl entertain the whole group with their stories and only occasionally, I add one of my own.

Before I know it, it’s late in the evening and Isa is saying her goodbyes, giving everyone a warm hug before walking out the front door.

I too take my leave and make my way upstairs. In my room, I turn on my phone and see that Alex still hasn’t texted me.

That’s when finally, I fall from my high. Alex. What might he be up to now? Has he really gotten sick and spent all day sleeping? Wouldn’t be that surprising, considering the strain of staying up so long several nights in a row. But then again, it would, because it is Alex. Alex doesn’t fall ill. I do, but not him.

Before my inner eye, I see the expression he had on his face as I slid off the rock.
He wouldn’t, right?

But I know better. Of course, he would. It’s Alex.

So I wait, quietly staying awake as the rest of my family heads to bed. It takes another hour before I head back downstairs and put on my shoes.

As expected, the night is a lot more pleasant than the day. My steps carry me forward at a quick pace, hoping for the off chance that I won’t find my friend by the water.

But when I arrive at one of the bigger beaches, there’s no one sitting on the rocks in the middle of the lake. All there is, is the low splashing sound of water and the breeze in the treetops around me.
With a sigh, I sit on a nearby tree trunk. Why am I disappointed not to see him out there? Shouldn’t I be glad? No, I glad he’s not there. Yet still, there’s this gnawing sensation in my stomach.
But if he’s moved on already, that’s good. Maybe he’s already started healing?

“Timothy?”

I jump to my feet with a yelp. But I don’t turn immediately. I recognize the voice of the person standing in the dark behind me. I must’ve paid too little attention to hear my friend’s steps closing in.

“What are you doing here?” His voice sounds almost reproachful.

Finally, I will myself to turn around. He’s wearing shorts and a hoodie, but I can see the swimming trunks through his shorts. He looks tired. Even in the dark, I can see the shadows underneath his eyes. But there’s something else. A hint of resignation that I’ve never before seen in his eyes.

“Just taking a nighttime stroll.” I try to sound casual about it.

If he doesn’t believe me, his face doesn’t show it. “Yeah, me too.” He cocks his head in an awkward nod and puts his hands into the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie.

“You look pretty sick,” I say, for lack of anything better.

Again this weird nod. “Yeah man, I don’t know what it is, either. Couldn’t leave bed all day and now I can’t sleep.”

“So when do you think you’ll be well again?”

He shrugs. “Dunno, man.” Shifting his weight, he looks around. Without following his gaze, I know that it hangs onto the rocks just a tad too long. “Maybe a few days? I’ll tell you the moment I am.”

I nod. “Please do. I miss playing League. And don’t forget that we said we’d watch the comet together. But I suppose that can wait until you’re doing better.”

I too let my gaze wander over the surrounding bushes.

“By the way, don’t know if you heard, but you were successful.” In spite of the situation, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride.

He gives me a confused look. “Huh?”

“You remember Isa? You tried setting us up. And you were successful!”

The smile he gives me isn’t as broad as I expected, but it is genuine still. “That great, man. I’m glad.” His voice trails off and the smile fades.

After a moment, I nod. “Alright. Do you wanna walk back together or should I leave you to it?”

There’s really nothing more I can do. It’s clear that while he tolerates my presence, he doesn’t want me here with him.

He shakes his head slowly. “No, I think I’ll stay a little longer.”

“Alright.” I walk past him and pat him on the shoulder, like he used to do with me when I sat alone in the schoolyard. “Have a good night, then.”

His voice is absent, when he replies a little too late. “Yeah, man, you too.”