Moonlit Waters

Mum wakes me up the next morning. I must've overslept, I'm certain I turned on my phone's alarm.

"Good morning sleepyhead," she says from the door, a warm smile gracing her lips. "You should probably be getting up soon, especially if you want to shower before leaving."

I do. Both get up and shower. I want to, even. I used to not really care much for showering as long as I didn't smell all that much, but now it feels like showering is the right thing to do. Because this body is worth taking care of.

When I come down to the kitchen, my wet hair left open over my shoulders to air dry, Mum has put a bowl with cereals in front of my seat. Normal cereals, the non-sweetened kind, with yogurt and fresh fruits cut into the mix.

She used to make this for me every morning when I was young. I suppose she eventually stopped because she didn't have as much time anymore. I never realised how much I missed this.

Not much later, I'm ready. I'm wearing my shorts for the third day in a row now, simply because my old trousers don't really fit. Mum gave me a set of her underwear because I was obviously going to wear the same pair of undies for the third time as well. It doesn't fit as snugly, but good enough. It'll suffice, I'm not planning on stripping for anybody, I don't have to look perfect underneath my clothes.

Mum and I have already gotten into the car when the front door suddenly opens and Pearl comes out. She waives for us to wait and runs closer, making her way into the backseat.

"Wanna come along to the mall, Pearl?" Mum asks, turning in her seat to look at her.

Pearl nods and Mum says, "For your information, we're going there to buy clothes for your sister, not for you. So no whining, okay?"

It's not like either of us has heard Pearl whine in a long time, but she seems to see the need to clarify anyway.

Pearl gives her a confused look. "Of course not," she says then. "I have enough clothes anyway."

I can't help but giggle a little. "You can be my advisor," I say, winking at her and she nods.

"Exactly. See, Mum, Lena understands me."

Now it's Mum's turn to look confused. "Lena?"

"A nickname!" Pearl and I say in unison.

And then Pearl says, "Gosh you're slow today, Mum!" as I say, "It took her less than two days to come up with one."

Mum laughs, I doubt she understood a single word. "Siblings, huh?" she mumbles then, turning on the car.

-

As I'd hoped, the mall is a lot less packed than it usually is on Saturdays. There are people strolling around occasionally, but mostly we have the stores to ourselves.

It's not quite the same as shopping with Isa. I don't spend half the time laughing, Mum doesn't make me walk like a model or has me try on really skimpy outfits. She's not as focused on efficiency as she used to be when I came here with her as a boy, but Mum is still Mum. There's system behind everything she does.

The same can't be said for Pearl. She disappears the moment we enter a store and then keeps showing up with beautiful dresses or tops I probably wouldn't have found even when searching for hours.

Despite her lack of experience, my sister appears to have quite good taste as well.

The first thing Mum takes care of is getting a stack of different t-shirts, jeans, shorts, socks, and slips.

She spent a large portion of the drive trying to figure out my taste in clothes. But I kind of like every style so we came to the conclusion to simply get me the basics and then everything I see and like.

I asked whether that wouldn't be a bit expensive, but Mum just laughed in reply.

"Yes," she said then. "Of course it is, but it's not like we can't afford that. And anyway, what do you wanna do? Run around school naked?"

So that's what we do. We spend almost the entire day at the stores. I remember a lot of the things I tried on with Isa and liked, but didn't end up getting because – well, money. So, after we have the basics I go on a little hunt myself, Mum following me around.

She compliments my sense of style a lot as I show her outfit after outfit and doesn't even blink at the four-digit figure the screen at the check-out shows.

An extended visit to the same underwear shop Isa and I went to follows. The woman remembers me and also the bras that fit me well. In theory, we could just take five of them and be on our merry way, but the face Mum makes as the clerk gathers them up makes me speak up.

"I think I'll try around some more, if that's okay. Just to make sure."

The young woman shrugs. "Sure thing, I won't complain."

The grateful smile Mum gives me makes the next forty-five minutes of embarrassment almost worth it.

We end up leaving with four beautiful and freakishly expensive bras. Of course Mum insisted on buying the matching panties.

Our next trip takes us to a jacket store, another hour later we leave with a beige trench coat that reaches down to my knees and a light, thin hiking jacket. I chose the hiking jacket and Mum insisted on the trench coat.

"You'll learn to love it, believe me. And it's so stylish, too!" she says as I skeptically eye the thin but wind-resistant fabric.

Finally, the last store Mum has on her list is the shoe department. It's late by then, almost four PM.

I decidedly walk past the shelf with stilettos and to the casual footwear section, quickly settling on a pair similar to the shoes Isa lent me. A pair of white sneakers follows and we're already on the way to check out when Mum suggests getting the same shoes in black as well so I have a little more freedom with choice of clothes.

I'm about to tell her how dumb that is, buying the same shoes twice just to have them in different colours. Shoes are there to be worn, full stop. But then I realise that actually, she's right because with this body it's worth putting in the effort to look extra good. And I'm not just wearing the same outfit, jeans and T-shirt, every day anymore.

So I nod and she goes to get them.

On the way out of the mall, Mum gets us ice cream and we enjoy it out in the sun before getting into the car. Only then, she has a manic giggling fit.

I eye her sidelong as I buckle my seatbelt and I can feel Pearl's questioning gaze on me.

"Did we break her?" she asks in a worried tone, but that's when Mum turns to grin at us.

"Girls, we're poor and I don't regret having spent a single pound!"

That's an exaggeration, of course. Once, when we'd gotten in an argument over buying an expensive sweater, Mum had told me just how big her and Dad's savings were. They weren't millionaires, but they were really well off. Lucky me. It still feels weird, though, to know just how much money Mum spent on me in a single day.

-

"Who is this?" the woman asks, demands almost. Her smile is broad, but there's just a hint of a suspicious frown in between her eyebrows, I can tell.

The woman standing not far from us on the sidewalk in front of our house lives in the same street as us. Mrs Stanton. She's an elderly woman of small build. She lives alone with her husband, I don't think they have kids. She's the kind of bitter old person who will call the cops on you the moment she hears so much as a peep over the garden fence past eight in the evening. She's rich. She's known to openly support right-wing parties. She calls herself pro life.
She's the last person I want finding out who I am. But lives just a few doors down the street.

"She's my sister!" Pearl beams up at the woman and it takes all my concentration not to physically jump at her words. That's Pearl's way of going about things. Be positive and hope everything will turn out well. She knows who she's talking to, of course.

"That so?" Mrs Stanton asks, the folds of skin underneath her chin wobbling lightly as she speaks.
She turns to talk to my mother. "I thought you only two children. Pearl and the boy."

She never bothered to call me by name. She never liked me. Maybe because I wasn't manly enough, maybe because I was too 'lazy' to get past depression.

Mum glances at me. My heart is racing and I'm sure my cheeks are bright red. But this is exactly what I'd talked about with Alex. People will find out and I'm going to have to live with that.

But why does it have to be her of all people?

"Well-" Mum begins, clearly uncomfortable. She's trying to come up with a way that'll get us all out of this conversation quickly, but clearly she doesn't have any ideas.

"You shouldn't lie, then," Mrs Stanton says to Pearl, the smile still plastered over her face as if she'd forgotten to readjust her face to match her voice. "That's not becoming of a growing lady."

Pearl gives her a dirty look. "But it's the truth! She used to be my brother!"

That finally wipes the fake smile off her lips. I have her undivided attention now, as her beady eyes scan my face for similarities.

"So you are Timothy?" So she does know my name, well, the old one. "Aren't you ashamed to be seen walking around like this?"

I want to cringe away. I feel sick with discomfort under her eyes, but I force my face plain and raise my chin.

"I used to be Timothy," I reply, evenly as I can manage. "It's Selena now."

Yes, she's the last person I want to tell this. But I've got to be consequent about this, don't I? What good will denying myself any longer do?

"You're a tranny?" She spits out the word like it disgusts her. It probably does. "You enjoy having been turned into an abomination by some alien force?"

I want to say something, but Pearl beats me to it. "It's called WOMAN, you insufferable hag! And if that's too many syllables for you to manage in one go, GIRL will do just fine!"

My little sister looks different. She's standing straight and as tall as her frame allows. There's a blizzard in her eyes, turning them cold and dangerous.

That throws the 'old hag' off. I doubt she's ever faced such harsh contra in this place. For a moment she simply stares at Pearl, then she turns and walks away, mumbling something about manners and lost generations.

-

"I doubt that was very wise of you to say, Pearl," Mum says, shutting the front door behind the three of us.

"But it was right!" Pearl shoots back, crossing her arms defiantly. "And she was talking bad to Selena!"

It's been a few minutes, but I'm still unsure how I should feel about Pearl's sudden aggression. Should I be happy that she's trying to protect me, or scared, what all this might do to her? What I am doing to her.

"Yes, she was," Mum says now. She looks very tired suddenly. Gone is the good mood we arrived with. With a sigh, she crouches before Pearl to level their heads. "But you really don't want to be making enemies at your age. You're better than that."

"I tried being nice," Pearl mumbles in reply. There's a hint of a shiver to her voice. "I tried being nice but she just wouldn't-" She sniffles. "I'm sorry. I just-"

I can tell that she's trying hard not to cry, but tears are already pulling loose from the corners of her eyes.

When was the last time I saw Pearl cry? Must've been years ago. Literally.

She's still a kid, I remind myself.

I want to help comfort her, but I don't know what to do. And at the same time, I feel awful myself.
The woman called me an abomination. But I'm not, right? As far as I can tell, I'm a girl, just like all the others. Does the fact that I used to be a boy alone make me an abomination? A freak of nature?

No.

I shake my head decidedly.

Don't let her get to you.

"It's alright Sweety," I hear Mum say. And I look up to see her hug Pearl and pat her back. "Just do it better next time, okay?"

"But how do I do better?"

"You walk away, okay? The both of you," she adds, looking up at me. "I know it's hard, but it's the only correct solution. If there's no way for a sensible discussion, walk away. Show them you're better than them. Don't let them pull you down to their level."

I nod. It's not like I could have said anything at that moment, but she's certainly right.

"Now," Mum says, getting up and simply taking Pearl with her. "What do you think about making pancakes and then watching a movie together? Selena, you can go ahead and put on the first machine with your new clothes, there should be enough space in the laundry."

-

"Somebody found out about you," Alex says, leaning against my desk. "And whoever it was decided to talk about it. Some of the people at swimming were talking about it."

With a sigh, I let myself flop backward onto my bad. It feels weird to know that the bed is made, that the surface I'm lying on is even, without a balled-up blanket somewhere.

"Stanton," I say simply.

Alex looks like he could strangle her right now. "What's it with that woman? Why would she do something like that?"

I shrug. "Maybe because I'm an abomination?" I really don't feel like having this conversation right now.

His face turns pained. "Is that what she called you?"

I nod simply. I know it would be wrong to deny him the information, but the knowledge doesn't make this any more pleasant.

He comes over and sits on the bed next to me, putting his hand in mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I hope you know that's bullshit?" His voice is firm and confident.

"Yes?" I move my fingers to hold his hand as well.

"Say it like you mean it," he demands calmly.

I roll my eyes, but then do what he asks. "Yes, it's bullshit."

He leans down and gives me a peck on the forehead. "And don't you ever forget that."

For a moment we just lie next to each other, then I raise my head to look at him. "What did the boys at swimming say?"

He shrugs. "They were being dicks. You know, they had a discussion about whether fucking you would be gay or not. I told them to shut up, but they didn't care much about that. I doubt they're an actual threat, though."

I nod vaguely. I knew this was coming, I know what some of them are like. If I can deal with Mrs Stanton, I'm sure I can deal with them too. They probably don't even mean to be directly offensive. All they care about is having a laugh at somebody else's expense.

I won't be as visible as I used to be at school. But I can keep it down, I'm sure of it.

"Do you think they'll get used to the idea of a trans girl in their school?"

"Most of them won't even care, okay? Never forget, they're all people with their own problems.

Most of the time when we think somebody's judging us, they're just having a bad day and are wondering what they'll have for dinner." He pauses and looks at me contemplatively before saying, "And if anybody has a problem with your existence, I'll deal with them."