Moonlit Waters

"Are you sure? You really don't have to. I could just go after work, later today," Mum says, but the worry in her eyes only makes me more certain.

"Yup. You really don't have the time today. And anyway, it's nothing, right?"

I know I'm trying to convince myself as much as her.

Laughable how going to pick up some groceries has become such a big deal now. I mean, I didn't like doing it two weeks back, but now it almost scares me.

But now I've committed to doing it and I'm too proud to back out. Even though I really want to.

Pearl isn't here to accompany me, neither is Alex. Both of my parents have to work. I'm the only person left to do the job, so I do it.

But there's no way around it, is there? I'll have to go out on my own at some point.

One last time, I tug at my laces, then I get up, wiping my hands on my shorts.

"Don't worry, I'll be back soon."

Mum gives me a grateful smile. "Thanks, Sweetie. Here's some money."

She hands me a few notes, along with a small scrap of paper with a list of everything I'm to get. It's not much. Bread, cereals, some fruits, sugar, and eggs.

I nod at her, stuff the money into my back pocket and throw the bag over my shoulder.

"Later!"

Usually, I would've loved the weather that awaits me outside. The sun is shining bright from above, only occasionally shrouded by thin veils of white. It would be perfect if it weren't for the nervousness pressing my heart to hammer fast against my ribs.

It's the first time I'm out on my own. People know about the girl who used to be Timothy Crow. Okay, not all, but still. Some do, and that's more than enough to make me agitated.

I glance over my shoulder.

In the distance, there's a jogger, but he's not headed in my direction.

I shake my head, turn and focus my gaze ahead. It'll go smoothly. Why wouldn't it? Nobody has any reason to be hostile towards me.

Still, I can't help but pull the black baseball hat deeper into my face.

I should have put on normal jeans. I feel too exposed.

But then I'd be too warm.

But wouldn't that be worth it?

A nervous finger tugs at my left bra strap. I feel like the houses around me are growing eyes just for the sake of staring.

Again, I turn and glance over my shoulder.

Nobody.

I stare at the windows of a house I'm walking past, daring a figure to step out of the shade behind the glass.

Come on! Show yourselves!

But nobody steps into the light. Nobody's hiding in the bushes I walk past and none of the passing cars even slow down.

It only takes minutes until I'm in the centre of town, where the small supermarket is, but it feels like hours.

By the time I arrive, my shoulders are tense and my armpits are slick with sweat. But I don't turn to walk back.

I can do this, I tell myself.

There's a group of five teenagers sitting by the shopping carts in front of the supermarket. I've seen them before. They go to the same school as me.

I'm not sure what grade they're in, but they must be around fifteen, maybe sixteen.

I can feel their eyes on me as I draw near. I know they're grinning and I know their hushed voices are talking about me.

But I don't turn.

Ignore them, I tell myself. They're the kind of boys Alex told me about. Assholes, in all likelihood, but harmless.

And then I hear a voice call out, "Hey!"

I don't react. I keep my head low and try to continue walking naturally, like I didn't hear them.

But then I hear hurried footsteps closing in on me.

"Timothy! That's you, innit?"

My shoulders tense even further, but I continue walking.

When a finger taps me on the shoulder, I realise that there's simply no point. If I keep ignoring them they'll follow me around the store, maybe even all the way home. And they'll get more and more obnoxious over time.

So I stop and turn, trying hard to give the boy a small smile. He's chewing gum with his mouth open.

"It's Selena, now," I correct him, trying hard to sound casual.

The smirks on their faces make it very clear that they knew.

"Right. Sorry." He doesn't mean it. He's still grinning. "So you're a girl now, huh?"

I nod. "Yes." If I don't let on to the fact that I know they're trying to mess with me-

"So those tits of yours," he gives a downwards nod, not even trying to maintain eye contact. "They're real, huh?" Chew. Chew.

"Do you still have a dick?" somebody asks from behind him and there are a few chuckles.

"They're real," I reply, sounding just as tired as I feel. How can somebody be so immature? How can somebody care so little about what they're doing to some-

"Think you'd let us have a feel? How else're we supposed to believe you?" the same guy from the back of the group asks. His words are followed by open laughter.

I know they're not being serious. They think they're being funny. But they're really not.

"Fuck off," I say, coolly as I can manage, turn and hurry past them. I don't dare walk any slower. I want to dissuade anybody that might think of following me.

"Girl!" somebody shouts after me, accompanied by more laughter. "Weren't you trying to buy something? Come back! We'll even carry the groceries for ya!"

I look back over my shoulder as hasty steps carry me off the parking lot and across the street.

They're not following me. They're still standing there, laughing.

But my heart won't stop hammering and I don't slow.

Only when I've walked for easily eight minutes, when I'm almost back home, I finally slow.
I didn't manage to buy groceries.

I had one fucking job.

My heart won't slow. I'm so angry, not even really at myself. How is somebody like me even supposed to deal with idiots like them? How could I not run away?

And now? What now?

The thought of having to return home, telling Mum that I ran away, admitting just how scared of school I am. I won't be able to run there.

I feel sick at the thought. Teachers never really manage to prevent bullying, do they? So if anybody wanted me harm-

I don't dare finish the thought, instead concentrating on the options at hand.

I could go to the lake or the waterfall. But there I'd be alone with my thoughts. I should probably go talk to somebody, or at least have somebody around. But who? Mum's off the table.

Alex would never leave me out of sight again, which, let's be honest, might be for the best. But I don't want to take his life away from him. The same goes for Isa, in a way. I don't want to worry them. This is my problem, isn't it? And still, I can't solve it on my own.

That's when I remember that it isn't only my problem. Isn't there somebody here specifically to help me out in situations like this?

I quicken my pace.

-

Reyna is sitting at one of the high coffee tables next to the windows in the dining area, laptop open before her, headphones in her ears. She's engrossed in her work and only looks up when I stop right before her, at the other side of the high coffee table.

With an expression of mild but pleasant surprise, she takes out her headphones.

"Hello, Selena. Have you come here looking to talk to me?"

I climb up onto the stool across from her with a nod. "You said you were here to help me, didn't you?"

She nods. "Yes, I am. Did something happen?"

For a moment, I stare at the wooden table before me, suddenly feeling a bit silly. Aren't I too old to behave like this? Isn't it almost normal for women to experience shitty things like catcalling?

"Selena?" Reyna asks, seeing my moment of hesitation. "You can tell me."

"I went shopping just now," I begin, rubbing my arm nervously. "Or well, I wanted to, anyway. But then there were these boys sitting by the store..." My voice trails off and I look up, hoping that I don't have to go on.

There's just the hint of a crease in between her eyebrows, but she doesn't interrupt me. She simply waits for me to go on, her eyes looking to hold mine.

When I realise that I'm not getting out of this, I go on. "And they wouldn't leave me alone. I tried ignoring them, I really did, but then one of them ran after me and tapped me on the shoulder and called me by my old name. And they asked whether my... breasts were real and whether they could feel them. I know they're just boys being stupid," I hurry to explain, "I know I should expect having to endure things like this, but-"

"No you shouldn't," she interrupts me firmly.

I pause and give her a confused look, because I don't really understand what she's getting at.

"Nobody should have to expect having to endure something like that. Not you, not any other woman. The fact that some of us have to put up with catcalling and molestation is one of the major problems society simply can't seem to tackle." She pauses, her attention not budging. "Do you understand that?"

I blush with discomfort and turn to glance over my shoulder. None of the other people sitting in the lounge seem to be listening in on our conversation.

Then I give a small nod, not meeting her eyes.

There's a small pause, then Reyna asks, "Selena, do you want to go to my room, maybe? It's a little more private there, if you're comfortable with that."

I don't think about it, simply nod again. I hate the feeling of having my back face a room full of people I don't know and whose actions I can't predict.

"Alright," she says, placing her laptop in a bag and sliding off the stool. "Let's get going, then."

With a leisured pace, turning regularly to make sure I can keep up, she leads me up the stairs and to the second floor, where she unlocks one of the many doors along a narrow corridor.

The room behind looks similar to the one Isa's been staying in. Only one of the bunk beds is used: the bottom one by the window, furthest away from the door.

But the sheets are folded neatly and the only indicators of her presence otherwise, are a black suitcase on the floor next to the bed and a water cup with a toothbrush in it by the sink.

She closes the door behind me and motions for me to sit with her on one of the beds.

"So, how do you feel about all that?" she asks, once we've both sat down. She has her legs angled to face me while I'm facing straight ahead with only my head turned. "What the boys said, I mean."

For at least five seconds, I stare at her blankly. Then finally, my brain catches on to the meaning of her words and the gears start turning. I didn't come here expecting a question like this. To be completely honest, I didn't come here expecting anything. But if I had been expecting something, this surely wouldn't've been it.

"Upset," I finally say after a moment. "And even more upset because it really shouldn't upset me! Those people aren't part of my life in anyway, I shouldn't care about the jokes they make."
I'm certain she's just gonna repeat herself the second my mouth has closed, but she doesn't.

Instead, she asks yet another question.

"And why do you think you're upset, then?"

I eye her sidelong. What a strange question.

"Because it's uncomfortable to be made fun of? Especially since I have no confidence anyway. And I'm scared that they'll just continue when I'm in school, only that there there'll be way more of them, not just a group of five."

"But don't you think that where there're assholes, there are nice people, too? Do you have any friends that could maybe help keep you comfortable and protect you in a way?"

I shrug. "Alex. He's my boyfriend." I won't explain the whole situation, that we haven't been together since before I changed. "But that's the thing. I don't want to have to be protected. I don't want to be a burden on my friends and family. I want to-" I halt, returning anger making my face hot. "I wish the comet had given me superpowers or something."

They wouldn't dare to make fun of me then. Everybody would just leave me alone. What a nice thought. That won't ever happen, of course. Life can't be that easy.

Just for a moment, Reyna's expression falters and there's shock in her eyes.

"And what would you gain with that?" she asks then, the shock fading away, replaced with restrained concern.

I shrug irritatedly. "The ability to defend myself?"

She licks her lips and crosses one leg over the other. "Selena, you don't want to hurt them, do you?"

"No!" I shake my head decidedly. "But I want them to stop! I want to be able to go grocery shopping without feeling scared even at day!"

She thinks for a moment, then she says, "Okay, let's think this through. If you had some power that could be used in combat, which, just to make this clear, would make you very dangerous to yourself and probably everybody else around here, how do you think people would react if they knew?"

"They'd leave me alone," I mumble, stubbornly staring at my feet. But I already know where this is going, the anger is already fading.

"Yes, they would. But not out of respect. It would be out of fear." She puts her hand out and hovers it over mine for a moment. When I don't pull away, she gently takes my hand in hers. "And not everybody would keep away from you. Assholes keep being assholes and some are too stupid to have fear. And if that didn't end with deaths, extremists would soon be swarming this place, and then at the latest, you'd have a problem."

I know she's right. Of course she is.

My shoulders slump just a little and I keep staring at my shoes.

"Having superpowers isn't the only solution, though, you know?" Reyna asks, giving my hand a light squeeze.

I look up. "Isn't it?"

"You can come and talk to me. You can take friends along when you go outside. And anyway, not everybody is an asshole. I promise, it'll get easier. People will stop caring, they'll leave you alone at some point. These first few weeks, maybe even months, might be trying, but that's what I'm here for, aren't I?"