Moonlit Waters

“School’s gonna start soon,” I say, gazing at the air somewhere between my dangling feet and the gushing water below.

Really, it’s all that’s been on my mind recently. It’s Sunday, two days have passed since I tried to go shopping.

“You’re going to be fine. I promise,” he whispers, gently pulling me into him.

I let it happen, rest my cheek on his shoulder, and put my hand around his, idly playing with his fingers.

I told him about what happened. He didn’t get angry, but his jawline hardened and he told me what I’d known already. That the boys were simply idiots who didn’t know better.

We didn’t talk much about it after that. I didn’t want to and he didn’t press it. Instead, I spent every free minute in his company, feverishly avoiding being on my own.

I know, of course, on a rational level that being scared is stupid. I know that I’m living the spotlight effect and that really nobody gives a shit, not even those five kids. But try telling that to the emotional half of my brain.

“I’ll be there, okay?”

I hum in reply.

A butterfly flies past, its yellow wings forming a beautiful contrast to the sunlight shimmering in the water below. It’s a beautiful day, I should just be enjoying it.

These last few weeks were magical. Beautiful in so many ways in spite of, maybe even because of everything I had to put up with. The beginning of another year of school is always what puts an end to the magic of summer, but this time around it feels even more like I’m going to wake up from a dream. Maybe it’s that what I’m afraid of, really. Waking up.

“And anyway, it’s only another year, then we’re outa here.”

“Yeah,” I whisper absently. Another year. What’s that in comparison to the life I can live where nobody knows about the boy who went into the water and returned as a girl?

“Has anything about your plans changed since… you know?” Alex asks curiously.

I move to look at him but then think better of it and settle back into him.

“Don’t know?”

“I mean, I’d be happy if you came along, but you should know that I also want you to pursue whatever dreams you have, okay?”

For just a moment, I imagine being the main love interest in some cheesy romance movie, replying you are my only dream and it makes me giggle. Then I realise that as of now, it’s actually true and I fall very silent.

“What?” Alex asks, a smile in his voice.

But I don’t reply. I was never an ambitious person, there were never any aspirations to be the greatest at just something, really. Especially in recent history, I’d been too busy with self-hatred to develop any kind of self-centered fantasies of the future. So much so that I didn’t even realise what an empty shell I used to be.

I’m alive now, yes, but an identity is still mostly missing, isn’t it?

“When I went to the waterfall on that first day with Isa,” I begin, speaking slowly, “you know, when you had training… She asked me how I defined myself as part of some question game to get to know each other. And there was nothing I could tell her aside from ‘I play League’.”

His shoulder twitches as he moves his hand to squeeze my shoulder and I feel the vibration of silent laughter reverberate through his body.

“Is that really all you could come up with?”

Now I finally do pull away a little to stare at him.

There’s honest surprise in his eyes when he sees my expression.

“Really?”

“So tell me, then,” I say, an amused smirk on my lips, “who am I?”

He strokes his chin with two fingers in acted thoughtfulness before saying, “Okay.” He lets his gaze wander, down to the water, along the edge of the water, up to the trees.

“You are Selena Crow,” he begins then. “You are beautiful and kind and patient and smart, sometimes a bit stubborn, even though you probably don’t realise. You are humble, shy around people you don’t know well. You are an amazing older sister to Pearl, an amazing daughter to your parents, you are the best girlfriend I could have asked for.”

I feel my face flush. I like hearing his words, but I have absolutely no clue how I should react to the pile of compliments before me.

“You are also my best friend, Selena. You are the person I’ve spent thousands of hours exploring this forest with, you’re the one who appears in close to all my happy memories. You like swimming and stargazing, you like spending time with your sister and your friends and family. You like a certain kind of self-made lemonade and appear to have a talent for making yourself look very good, even more so than you would look without any effort put in. And finally, let’s not kid ourselves, your Rakan is freakishly good and your Janna is very soon going to be, you’re just a natural.”

He pulls me in briefly to give me a kiss on the forehead.

“Does that qualify as a definition,” he asks then, before letting go of me.

“Yes?” I mumble. He’s right, in a way. All the things he said are a part of me, but then, my point still stands. Having friends and family is normal, however grateful I am for having them, the relationship is no point of pride.

“I still feel like I should… I don’t know, get a hobby outside of League. Something I can tell people I meet for the first time.”

“You mean something other than swimming?”

“Yeah.”

“And stargazing?”

“You get the point.”

“And shopping?”

I hit him against the shoulder. “That’s not a hobby, wanker. I went shopping twice.”

“And came back with an awful lot of clothes to make up for it,” he laughs. He’s just teasing now.

“Careful, if you don’t stop I’ll go and get my brand new handbag to hit you over the head with.”

Both of us used to love reading Donald Duck comics when we were young. The picture of Daisy Duck running after poor Donald, hitting him with her handbag, is firmly burned into both our memories.

He goes silent for a moment before saying, “Sure, I mean, why not? Having hobbies is great and if they help you find your place in this world, I’m all for it. Just know that I’ve never thought that you are in any way an uninteresting person, okay?”

“I know. It’s just, I think it’d help me be more confident about myself?” It’s weird. I know he never thought of me that way, he wouldn’t have been my friend otherwise. But I certainly did and though it has gotten better, it’s still not good. Getting new hobbies, flashing out my own identity further, isn’t about making myself more interesting to others, it’s about being a person I myself would want to be around, I think. I’m content with the person I am, but there’s nothing awe-inspiring about it. I’ve made great progress over the past weeks, but now that I finally have the right body, why not take it a step further?

Alex nods his approval. “And have you had any inspiring ideas yet?”

I shrug. “No.” And therein lies the problem.

“I mean, if you’re looking to boost your confidence, you could always have a look at martial arts.”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you know? Martial arts are a great way to become more confident and help handle conflict even without violence. Apart from being super cool, of course.”

Alex doesn’t practice any martial art. He’s a swimmer and that takes up too much of his free time to allow any other sports.

“Not sure I wanna be confident in that way,” I look at my feet. I don’t want to be the one people eye, thinking, ‘she could fuck you up bad’, Reyna convinced me of that. Being liked is so much better than being feared, even though I have little experience with either.

Another moment of silence ensues.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out in due time,” Alex says eventually.

With a sigh, he turns and lifts the backpack onto his lap, opens it, and retrieves a well-familiar bottle from inside.

Lemonade.

I take it when he offers it, unscrew the lid and take a first small sip. The taste really doesn’t get old.
“You know,” Alex says with a smile, “when you drank the lemonade out on the rocks, when I didn’t know you were you, I could’ve sworn you were drinking it for the first time.”

I shrug. “Guess it was just really fucking good. And anyway, if I remember correctly, I was in a really good mood that night.”

“Until you ran off.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He pauses. “You’re real now.”

“Still kinda feels like a dream.” A cloud covers the sun and a sudden breeze leaves goosebumps on my naked arms. Lost in thought, I rub my hand over the cool skin. Everything is a dream.

“I don’t want to wake up.”

I feel his warm arm against my back as he pulls me in once more and once again, I let it happen, lean my head against his shoulder and look towards the distant clouds.

“Who said you’d ever have to?”