Moonlit Waters

“You’ll do fine,” Alex says as the bus approaches. “Just don’t forget to breathe, okay?” He gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder, then gets onto the bus ahead of me.

All eyes turn as I walk in behind him. The way to our traditional seats further in the back feels like an hour-long walk of shame.

The school uniform feels unfamiliar, the skirt swishing around my legs and I feel a little too naked. Which is honestly weird because it’s not the first time I’ve worn a dress. But now it’s different because I don’t have a say in the matter. Reyna gave me the uniform yesterday. I know I have to wear it, to make my identity clear to others if nothing else, but it still feels weird.

But nobody says anything and when I plop down into my seat next to Alex, I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.

“See? Told you, you’re gonna be fine,” he whispers with a playful grin.

I hug my backpack tightly to my chest, but grin back at him.

“Everybody looked at me,” I say still.

“Yes, you’re beautiful. I’ve told you before.”

The bus drive takes quite a while. After a few minutes of just idly staring out of the window, I put in headphones and turn up the music. There still are occasional glances from the people around me, but most are sensibly minding their own business. It’s not like I don’t get it, either. Of course, they’re looking at me, I’m the person that magically swapped genders, surely at least some of them know. And to everybody else, I’m the new girl. That doesn’t happen often around here, either. It’s always an event when new teenagers enter school.

We only arrive shortly before eight o’clock. The school grounds are already buzzing with voices and moving bodies, children and teenagers reconnecting after several weeks spent mostly apart.

It feels weird, stepping through the large gate that denies entry at night. Last time I’ve been here was in my dreams and everything had looked quite different then. It hadn’t been so alive. It feels good to see the difference yet still I catch myself eyeing the large buildings from the corners of my eyes, trying to trick the illusion into showing me the reality of things.

“Relax,” Alex says in a low voice, mistaking my paranoia for fear.

“I am relaxed!” Which is partially true? Over the memory of that horrible dream I kind of forgot about what’s ahead of me. First day of school as the person I am now. Starting over in a way.

A daunting prospect.

“If you say so…” The optimistic grin he gives me doesn’t exactly seem convinced, but he doesn’t press the matter further. Instead, he leads the way to the track field. Our school has an auditorium, but it’s too small to accommodate all the students. So instead, for the annual introduction ceremony, we meet on the track field. Our assembly hall teachers position us in blocks according to our years. I’m in the last year, so we’re at the very back of the field, as far away from the podium as it gets.

I try not to look around while avoiding the occasional stares in a not-too-obvious fashion. Earlier, I saw the boys that had made fun of me in front of the convenience store and they laughed a little when they saw me, but Alex gave them a hard glare and they stopped. Nobody has tried to talk to me so far, aside of Alex, of course.

The principal begins his speech. I don’t listen very closely, something about facing challenges head on and making the best of every situation, because that’s what life is about, after all. I think his gaze flickers over to me a little too often.

When he’s finished, we applaud without much enthusiasm and make our way back to the school.

Alex’s and I have to go to different rooms for role call. Different rooms in different parts of the building. I don’t know who’s idea it was to put the homerooms for the same year so far apart, the logic isn’t visible to me.

We split up at the stairs. Alex gives a waive in my direction and walks away with swift steps, I head in the other direction more tentatively. The moment I’m alone, I’m hyper aware of my surroundings again. Exactly what I wanted to avoid, but now there’s nothing to be done about it. I can’t just not go to school.

Alex and I will have second period together. I just have to make it through roll call and first period, then I’ll be fine. And anyway, what could happen?

I raise my eyes to see where I’m walking and it takes all my willpower not to freeze in my tracks.

Ahead are the boys, those five kids that are the reason I’m nervous in the first place. Except that I’d probably be just as nervous without them. They just gave my worries a face. Five faces, rather.

They’re standing in the hallway, some of them leaning against the wall, chatting idly. They haven’t seen me yet.

I lower my head again and pick up speed. If I make it past them before-

“Hey, Selena!”

Somebody steps into my way and I only barely manage not to run into the boy.

“That wasn’t nice, what you said, you know?” I don’t have to look up to know that he’s got that smirk on again.

I don’t want to look up, but I force myself to anyway, to show him that I’m not afraid. Liar.

“You weren’t nice either,” I say coolly and try to step past him. But his smirk doesn’t budge and he mirrors my movement to the side, continuing to block my path.

“We offered to carry the groceries for you. If that wasn’t nice, what is?”

Frustration wells up inside me and makes my throat tight. This is so stupid. But when I open my mouth, there is no smart retort. Nothing that could wipe that arrogant smirk off his face.

At that moment, a hand takes me by the arm. I whirl around to slap it away, but stop when see the person attached to the arm. I know her, I realise quickly. Like, not closely or anything, but I’ve seen her before. I think she’s in the same year as me. I’ve never had homeroom with her, but the more I think about it, the more certain I get that I’ve seen her in class before. I think she’s popular.

“C’mon, girl, don’t mind them,” she says, giving them a hard glare. “They’re just children trying to show what big boys they are.” To the boy standing before me, she adds, “Out of the way, Ryan. Wouldn’t want your Daddy to hear about what a dick you are at school, would ya?”

Miraculously, the boy who’s name is apparently Ryan, doesn’t reply anything to that. He simply goes bright red and steps out of the way, muttering something about ‘nothing serious’.

I can’t look for long, though, because the girl is pulling me along with her.

I open my mouth, meaning to say something along the lines of ‘thanks, but that wasn’t necessary’, but then I realise that it was and I shut it again.

Then, after just not thinking for a moment, I whisper, “Thanks,” and begin walking fast enough that she doesn’t have to pull me anymore.

She lets go of my arm. “No problem. Selena, right?”

I nod. “And you’re Claire?”

She nods as well, a friendly smile on her lips. “I meant it, by the way. Don’t let them get you down, they’re thinking with their dicks right now. Like, literally. I tutor Ryan in maths and history and I always have to put on something loose without cleavage because the first time he looked at literally nothing but my tits.”

I flinch at the sound of the word. Tits. I have ‘tits’ now, but I’d never call them that. I hate the word.

“Why would you use that word?” I ask in a low voice. I really don’t get it. Isn’t it supposed to be derogatory?

“Tits, you mean?” she asks back, breaking into a lopsided grin.

I flinch again and she laughs.

“Because I think it’s funny. And anyway, words only have the power you give them. I don’t use it in a negative way, so it has no negative meaning, right?”

She stops and points at an open door.

“This is me. See you around?”

I open my mouth, then see the number next to the classroom.

“It’s my homeroom too,” I say and feel relief wash through me.

“Great!” she smiles and waits for me to walk in with her.

Most of the students are already there. Maybe twenty so far? I’ve seen most of them before, but of course, I haven’t talked to any of them, really. I know most of the names, but not all.

A girl waves at Claire and she waves at me to follow her.

“Come sit with us!” then she pauses. “Or do you have somebody else?” There’s uncertainty in her eyes, like she really expects me to have somebody else I want to sit next to. Or maybe she’s giving me an easy out if I prefer sitting on my own.

Well, I don’t.

“No, I don’t. Thanks.” And I walk ahead to the free table next to the girl who waved at us. Her name is Mika. I think she’s popular as well. She and Claire often sit together. On her other side sits a girl named Emma, who now smiles at me.

I smile back through the nervousness and it feels genuine enough that I don’t stop immediately.

“Hi, I’m Selena.”

“We know-” Emma begins, but Mika elbows her in the ribs, then grins at me.

“Good morning, Selena, welcome to class.” She giggles. “It’s always exciting to have new students around.” But it’s not like the laughter of the boys earlier. It’s honest joy, not at my expense.

“Isn’t it, though?” Claire says with a grin, taking the seat next to Mika as I’ve stopped next to the farther one. Then she pulls my seat back for me.

“I’ll have to show you around, won’t I? Take you to class so you won’t get lost in this strange environment.”

My lips crack into a smile without any conscious effort. “You’ll laugh, but it really does feel like a new environment, somehow.” I sit down in the seat next to Claire and drop my bag on the floor.

“Well, your perspective is a totally different one now, isn’t it?” Mika asks with a shrug and I find myself nodding once again.

“You’re free to hang with us, then,” Claire says, giving me a nudge. “I for one am always happy to make new friends.”

-

The teacher enters the room not much later and we fall quiet. She calls out everybody’s name and a rush of giddy joy hits me when I hear my name. Selena Crow. A few heads turn, but I don’t care.

Claire leans over and whispers, “That’s such a cool name by the way. So unfair that you got to choose yours. I mean, c’mon, Claire Kinzey, what the fuck?” But she’s grinning and I giggle a little.

Soon enough, the school bell rings and I get up for my first period, advanced English. Mika has a different class and leaves us at the stairs, but Emma and Claire have the same class, it turns out. It feels strange, how easily they accept me and let me walk alongside them as they laugh and joke and talk like normal people.

I don’t talk much, not yet, but seeing them interact makes me feel all warm inside at the prospect of having the chance to become one of them.

On our way to the upper classrooms, we walk past Ryan and the others again, but this time they barely even look at me.

Fortunately, the tables in the classroom don’t stand apart, so I can sit next to Claire in spite of her sharing a table with Emma.

Neither of them seem to take class particularly seriously. Claire keeps whispering with Emma and sometimes even jokes with me a little. Still, when the teacher hands out poems for us to practice formal analysis, she’s much faster than me. She keeps turning to me to ask questions about lines that I’m still half a stanza away from like,

“Do you think this is a trochee and if so, doesn’t that indicate that the lyrical I doesn’t actually like their friends anymore?”

Her read on the matter is absolutely correct, of course. Claire blames it on luck, Emma blames it on talent, saying that it’s most impossible for Claire’s disciplined work over summer to be at fault. Mostly, because there wasn't any.

By the end of class, Mrs Abbot – a young woman who exclusively teaches the final year – appears to have developed quite a weak spot for her. And so have I. She’s so light-hearted and funny. So… easy to be around.

Neither of the three has the next class together with me, but by then I don’t care about going through the corridors on my own. My steps are quick and I meet what few eyes move to stare at me. Crazy what difference the mood I’m in can make.

“Somebody’s in a good mood,” Alex says with a grin when I plop down in the seat next to him.

I nod and grin at him openly. “Yup.”

He leans forward on the table and rests his head on his folded arms, his face turned towards me.

“Are you gonna tell me why?” He has that cheeky grin on again. He’s happy for me. There’s a sparkle in his eyes.

I nod again and puff out my chest proudly. “I think I’ve made some friends.”

“Do I know them?”

I shrug. “Probably? Their names are Mika, Emma, and Claire.”

The sparkle disappears.

“Claire?”

I nod, confused.

“Claire Kinzey?”

I nod again. “You know her?”

He shrugs, opens his mouth and closes it again. He sits up straight and looks around.

“I’ll tell you later okay? Why don’t we meet up by the lake?” The grin returns, but the sparkle doesn’t. “I could make some lemonade, you could bring sandwiches…”

-

I’m waiting for him by the fallen tree. That same tree Timothy had sat on when Alex had come by looking for Selena.

It feels strange, not knowing what this is about. I spent all day wrecking my head, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I’ve never even seen the two of them talk.

The sound of steps behind me makes me turn. Alex is walking up with a bag in hand.

“Hey babe,” he says with a grin.

He leans down to kiss me on the lips and I kiss him back. I love kissing him. Every touch reminds me of just how much I love him.

But then I pull away.

“What did you want to tell me about Claire?”

He stops once more, his expression goes a little more serious.

“First I need you to tell me something,” he says, sitting down next to me. “What do you think of her? Do you like her?”

I nod. “She seems like a great person, honestly. To just be nice to me even though she doesn’t really know me? She’s really funny and nice and her friends are, too. I think I could learn a lot from them.”

He leans forward onto his knees and nods, to himself more than as a reply to my words.
After a moment, he seems to make up his mind.

“Alright. In that case, I don’t think what I have to say really matters. Just some negative stuff I’ve picked up, but honestly, that was some time ago and people change, so if your guts say she’s cool, she’ll probably be. Just… be careful, okay? You can always talk to me, about anything.”

I nod slowly. Is that really all? His reaction seemed more… severe than just rumours. But then again, he’s right, isn’t he? People change and Claire seems to be a great person now, so what does it matter?

So I nod. “I know.”