My Ex-Girlfriend Regrets Dumping Me

46 – With the name of a friend (6)

The diaries were written at fairly short intervals.

A day or, at most, a week without almost any blank spaces.

[I started cancer treatment. My hands and feet tremble as the time for medication approaches. Sometimes I even thought it would be better to die instead. I’ve thought about living in such agony, what’s the point? The pain gets stronger as night falls. I screamed and cried Yul’s name every day. Why is that? Other people seek their mothers when they’re going through hard times. I kept finding only Yul. The more difficult it became, the more I realized. Yul, how precious you were to me.]

…

[As my body weakens, my spirit weakens along with it. Now, I feel like giving up everything. If my aunt weren’t here, I might have already collapsed. I miss Yul so much. Not just the photos on my phone or the framed pictures on my desk. I feel like I’m going insane because I want to see you for real. When it hurts like this, if only I could hold onto you once. It would be so nice if I could say it’s difficult… If only you could tell me that you’re okay, I think I would be too… I feel like I can endure a bit longer.]

…

[Eventually, I celebrated my birthday at the hospital. There was no one to congratulate me except my aunt. How would it have been if I hadn’t gotten sick or felt any pain? I resented my situation endlessly. It was gloomy outside with rain falling. Yul would have overly celebrated if he were here. He might have taken me to a nice restaurant that he knew would make me feel good today. Then, I would have been truly happy. I couldn’t throw away anything Yul gave me as a birthday present. He told me to leave behind any lingering attachments on the day we broke up, but the phone case he gave me, the shoes, and the T-shirt are still at our house.]

…

[The effects of cancer treatment are starting to show. The doctor even gave me hope by saying there’s a possibility of recovery. But I wasn’t happy to hear those words. Rather, I was filled with despair. Why did I break up with Yul… Even though I knew that it had to be Yul and no one else, I pushed him away with a selfish desire to not get hurt. My actions were so foolish. Idiot. Seo Ha-yeon. That foolish woman. If my illness gets better like this, what should I do… How much will I regret it then? I feel like my head will explode.]

…

[As my sickness progresses, the courage to contact Yul gradually disappears. It’s been almost a year. Will Yul remember me? Maybe he already thinks of me as a worthless person and has forgotten about me. When I turned away, I still remember the pitiful voice that came from behind. Yul had such a wounded expression. I shouldn’t have said those words to him. I should’ve disappeared instead. There was no way to break up with Yul without hurting him. Now I’m scared. What if he rejects my call? If he says he doesn’t want someone like me anymore… Just thinking about it makes me hold the phone and then let it go again. Coward. Seo Ha-yeon, you cowardly bastard.]

…

Ha-yeon’s written diary was quite crumpled.

There were more pages with traces of tears than untouched ones.

Even after reading every single page, there wasn’t a page without my name.

“…You fool.”

She was truly an idiotic woman.

Even in the midst of such pain, her thoughts were only filled with me.

The words “she missed me” hit me hard, like a bone. And there were words of regret too.

She wouldn’t have written this to show me.

This must be her genuine sincerity.

“…Why did you really do that, Hayeon.”

Her self-blame and regret. And her longing for me.

Watching all of that, something welled up inside my heart.

How difficult must it have been?

And how much did she bear her feelings alone?

In the despairing situation of imminent death, her pain resonated deeply with me.

To the point where I regretted how harshly I treated her.

“…”

In a way, Hayeon might also be a victim.

If it weren’t for cancer, she wouldn’t have gone through this with me.

Our relationship wouldn’t have deteriorated like this either.

If there is a god, perhaps they don’t hate her.

Losing both parents at a young age and battling cancer.

Wasn’t it too heavy a burden for a 22-year-old? That’s what it was.

I wiped my moistened eyes and turned her diary back again.

And repeated the process of turning it back again.

Until it became very late at night, I continued doing that.

*

A week in the countryside ended too easily.

Unlike school days, vacation time seemed to flow at double speed.

On the day of our return, I waited for Hayeon at the familiar bus terminal, aligning our schedules.

“Yura~!”

From afar, she spotted me and ran over, waving her hand.

Maybe because it was summer. Her outfit, with a short blouse and skirt, was dazzling like a celebrity.

Passing men naturally diverted their gazes towards her.

“… Why did you arrive so early? There’s still some time left until our appointment.”

“I don’t have anything to do at home anyway. So I came out early since I had some time to spare.”

We walked side by side as we headed into the bus terminal.

Because it was quite hot outside, we had to head indoors where there was air conditioning to wait for the bus, which still had some time until it arrived.

“How much time is left?”

“About 5 to 10 minutes?”

I asked Hayeon about the bus time, and then I turned my head back to my phone.

As I did, Hayeon also looked at her phone absently.

She moved her fingers quickly, muttering quietly as she messaged someone.

“… It’s bothering me for no reason.”

Was it because of the diary I received from Aunt?

Looking at Hayeon, the contents of the diary kept popping into my head.

After looking at it repeatedly, a lot of memories remained in my mind.

…What kind of emotions is she meeting me with right now?

She might be keeping a lot of things inside that she doesn’t express.

I felt a strange mix of sentiment- a little pitiful, but also emotionally overwhelming.

“… Why? Is there something on my face?”

Hae-yeon finally noticed my gaze and asked me.

And then she turned on the camera to take a selfie.

“No, it’s nothing. I just thought I saw something in your hair.”

I lied to her.

I was a little concerned about the strand of hair that was slightly out of place.

But honestly, I wasn’t really looking at it.

“… Oh. This?”

Hae-yeon casually brushed her bangs back, as if nothing was wrong.

In the past, I would have just brushed it back for her without saying anything, but now I couldn’t do that anymore.

We were friends now.

“Is it okay now?”

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Thanks, Yura. For caring.”

Hayan, who expresses her gratitude to me with something trivial.

I looked up excitedly and rummaged through my bag, recalling something.

Then I handed Hayan a motion sickness pill.

“Here, have this before we leave.”

“…Huh? What is this?”

Hayan stared blankly at the motion sickness pill I had given her.

And she looked at my face with wide round eyes.

It was a gaze that seemed to question if such a thing could happen.

“That’s a motion sickness pill. I bought it at the pharmacy in the terminal. You were really sick last time when you got off the bus.”

I didn’t attach much meaning to giving it to her.

I just arrived early and saw a pharmacy, so I bought it, thinking of Hayan.

But it seemed quite touching to Hayan.

“…That’s right… Thank you… Thank you so much…”

Hayan expressed her gratitude repeatedly, as if it burdened me.

And as if it were something precious.

She held the motion sickness pill I gave her carefully in her hand.

And she stared at it for a while, smiling bashfully.

“…Yuri thought of me… Heh.”

Mumbling to herself, it was embarrassing for me because I could hear it too.

I felt pressured to do something when she was so delighted by such small things every day.

Until the bus came, she held the motion sickness pill close to her chest.

When I told her to return it if I wasn’t going to take it, she finally put the motion sickness pill in her mouth.

“…It’s a waste.”

“I bought it for you to eat. What’s there to waste?”

It would be more wasteful not to eat it.

She couldn’t even throw away the empty bottle of the motion sickness pill I gave her.

She carefully placed the glass bottle in her bag, making sure it wouldn’t break.

“…Still. It feels like a waste.”

That sight somehow didn’t make me feel bad.

Her modest act of treasuring even an empty bottle.

I don’t know if it’s because I stole a glimpse of her diary, but I had the thought.

*

– Chaeik

As the bus doors opened, Ha-yeon and I got off at the terminal.

It was time to go back home now.

After taking the bus, I suddenly felt exhausted.

“….sigh.”

Ha-yeon seemed to feel the same way as she covered her mouth with sleepy eyes and yawned.

Now we had to transfer to another bus that would take us to our respective studios.

“Tired?”

“Yeah. Yul, you look really tired too.”

“Just taking buses all the time is killing me. I want to go home and sleep quickly.”

As I spoke, she nodded in agreement and chuckled softly.

We walked for about 5 minutes to get to the bus stop.

Ha-yeon cautiously mentioned something to me.

“…Yul-ah.”

“Yeah?”

Stretching my weary body, I turned to look at Ha-yeon.

“What are you doing during the break? Are you busy?”

“Well… I do have a few plans. Why?”

Mostly, it involved hanging out with Jia or some guys.

Aside from that and part-time jobs, I had plenty of free time.

She asked me with a face mixed with concern and anticipation.

“…By any chance, is our promise to hang out still valid before the break?”