Solo For Two

At the same time, Sasha was repeatedly reflecting on Levin’s words: “Don’t die or suddenly leave.”Sasha suddenly remembered his brother and mother who had left him by dying, as well as his own past when he had abruptly left Karel. He thought he understood the feelings of both the ones left behind and those who left, but it seemed he truly knew nothing.Thick tears began to drop from his chin onto the floor.“Sasha…”Seeing his tears, Levin was so flustered that she couldn’t say anything.‘I’ve really overstepped. Look at him cry like that. I’ve never seen a man cry so pitifully. I must have given him a huge shock. I wouldn’t blame him if he fires me tomorrow.’Levin braced herself.But Sasha continued to cry without saying anything, so she decided to speak first.“…I understand. I won’t come from tomorrow.”At Levin’s sudden statement, Sasha looked up. His eyes, wet with tears, were filled with confusion.“Levin! You said not to disappear suddenly! How can you tell me not to do that and then do it yourself?”“…….”Sasha’s shout surprised Levin. It seemed he had no intention of firing her. Feeling relieved but also troubled by her hasty words, Levin realized she almost lost her job for nothing. No employer would pay her as much as Sasha.After a while, Sasha wiped his tears and asked.“Levin, if I were to get sick or something and… suddenly disappear like that… would you be angry too?”“Of course.”“What could I do to make you not angry?”“In a situation where you abandon Charles and leave nothing but money behind?”“Yes. Um… no, what if I left with just a letter and no money?”“What? Without a penny? Sasha! All you have is your looks and money, and you’d leave with nothing, not even money? What would I do without your money? That’s serious. …Well, if it came to that, don’t even think about apologizing. Don’t think of coming back either. Just leave the house and die somewhere, will you?”As Levin’s emotions escalated, Sasha’s face turned pale, down to his lips.Seeing Sasha’s head shaking and the tears streaming down his face again, Levin realized she had gone too far. Sasha wasn’t asking these questions out of ignorance; he was indirectly sharing his story.“I got carried away, Sasha.”Sasha shook his head at her apology. As his tears continued to flow, he choked out,“When I think that I’m hated…”Sasha tightly gripped his shirt near his chest, his knuckles white, and his face contorted in pain.“It hurts so much.”After a moment, Levin quietly asked the sobbing man,“Sasha.”“Yes,” he replied with a sob.“Why did you leave?”Levin didn’t ask ‘who’ he left. She knew she wouldn’t know the answer anyway.“To live.”“…….”“I thought I’d die if I stayed alone…”Most people, when doing something that might ruin a relationship, think about their actions. Especially if the relationship is precious enough to regret losing, they would be careful.But Sasha must have been pushed to the point where he couldn’t even think about that.“Do you regret it?”Sasha nodded without answering.“But you couldn’t help it, right?”He nodded again. Levin felt a sudden urge to hug him but instead stood up. She brought Charles, who was sleeping with shallow breaths, and placed him in Sasha’s arms. Even with his trembling hands, Sasha carefully held Charles. Feeling his weight, warmth, and feather-like breaths, Sasha smiled slightly through his tears.“If he’s precious to you, stay by his side.”“Yes, I will.”Kissing the baby’s crown, Sasha murmured Levin’s words. Stay by his side if he’s precious.He couldn’t change the past.Sasha was suddenly taken back four years. He was in a wooden house in the suburbs of Vienna, in Palz. Every corner of that well-lit house bore Karel’s touch.Sasha imagined himself in that warm space. How had he lived back then? A life with no distinction between day and night, barely surviving on meals when he felt hungry, a life without meaning, and a life without Karel…‘Even if I went back, I’d probably make the same choice.’Sasha remembered that moment vividly. The moment he decided to dance again. Suddenly, vitality returned to his body, and a will to live began to blossom. He still remembered the joy of that moment when his vision seemed to widen.“Do you want to go back to how it was with ‘that person’?”Levin asked.Sasha nodded.Sasha remembered that moment vividly—the miraculous moment when he saw Karel, whom he thought was dead. When Karel appeared before him on his own two feet, a sudden will to live blossomed within him, accompanied by an overwhelming flood of past memories, and…“I want to love and be loved again.”A realization about love.＊ ＊ ＊“Sasha, do you want a massage?”The familiar voice right after rehearsal was Tatiana’s. Sasha shook his head and instead adjusted his bandages. The fatigue in his left shin was a chronic problem. Sasha used to get massages often, but they only provided temporary relief and made his body feel sluggish, so he didn’t particularly like them.“If there are any bandages left, can you give me some?”Without a word, Sasha handed her a bundle of bandages. Tatiana sat down next to him and began untying the ribbons of her pointe shoes. When she took them off, her red feet, marked with calluses, were revealed.“Someone said stuffing toe shoes with ground beef is better than with cloth, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”Hearing this, Sasha’s face turned slightly pale as he imagined crushed red meat inside the toe shoes. He tried not to look inside the shoes by any chance and turned his head away.Then Tatiana whispered,“Hey, the other day when you missed rehearsal… were you meeting that person?”“That person?”“No? It’s strange that Mikhail is keeping silent about your whereabouts, so I thought it must be a call from ‘Scar’.”Sasha didn’t answer. But seeing him lower his head, Tatiana was sure her guess was correct.“Why are you so embarrassed? Having one or two patrons isn’t a big deal.”Tatiana spoke nonchalantly, not understanding Sasha’s feelings. Sasha was overwhelmed by the shame and humiliation as he recalled the meeting two days ago.It was the first contact in three weeks. Sasha had rushed to Karel’s house, feeling as if he were flying, as he had been eagerly waiting for Karel’s call. Although he knew Karel was busy, he hadn’t expected their meetings to be so rare. In fact, Sasha had thought he might see Karel every day, or at least twice a week, based on Karel’s demands during their cohabitation.However, a week and then two weeks passed without any contact. Sasha had cried himself to sleep, his pillow wet with tears, when the assumption that Karel had others besides him turned from suspicion to certainty. Finally, Karel called. Sasha, forgetting his heartbreak, got into the carriage Karel had sent.“Are you prepared?”Unlike before, Karel was waiting for him upon arrival. Sasha, flustered, shook his head. He had only been eager to see him quickly.“As you know, I’m not the type to get excited by blood.”And so, Sasha had to struggle to prepare himself in front of Karel. Karel didn’t touch him, only watched as Sasha’s face and pale skin blushed with shame.Karel had said similar things before, that he disliked partners who only felt pain and preferred those who could endure and enjoy it. As Sasha lay down where Karel indicated, he wondered if anyone else could endure like he did. Not many men, let alone women, could bear it, and that was a slight comfort.Fortunately, this time he was allowed to lie on the bed, avoiding his knees scraping the floor. However, he was still treated as a tool for Karel’s pleasure. His mouth, throat, and rear were sore from the friction, and after the act, he felt like his entire body had been reduced to rags. Even Sasha, accustomed to hard physical labor, found it hard to endure.“Do you want anything?”When Karel asked, as he had last time, Sasha bit back his desire to ask for a kiss. He didn’t want to leave Karel with the unpleasant memory of his mouth, still tainted with the taste of semen, and his torn lips.Karel, seeing Sasha shake his head, got up and left instead of lying beside him.Back home, Sasha slept for twelve straight hours and missed his morning class the next day. Mikhail didn’t ask for reasons and turned a blind eye.The physical pain was bearable, but Karel’s cold treatment was not.Levin had said that if he left like that, he shouldn’t think of coming back or apologizing and that it would be better to die. The shock Sasha had given Karel was that great. Moreover, if Karel had really died in the war and Sasha never saw him again…It was a terrible thought.Sasha thought he had to endure it.“By the way, Sasha, what do you talk about when you meet? You two don’t seem to have much in common. Since you’re not much of a talker, I guess you mostly listen… Does Scar talk about himself a lot?”“We don’t talk much.”“Really? Hmm… I heard he’s quite a conversationalist.”Sasha smiled bitterly. Tatiana knew more about Scar’s public persona than he did. The Karel she described was well-versed in art and sculpture, had excellent business acumen, and knew how to make the most of his attractive appearance.Yes, Karel was always that kind of man. The three years Sasha had him to himself were an exception.“Well, maybe that’s for the best.”Tatiana muttered something out of the blue.“What do you mean?”“It’s better not to talk too much. If you get too close personally…”Tatiana leaned in. Her gesture of sharing a secret made Sasha listen carefully.“You might get used. You know, like how Mata Hari was executed recently.”“Who?”“Mata Hari.”“Mata Hari?”Sasha was well aware of Mata Hari’s fame. She had been a star at the Moulin Rouge, involved with many military officers, nobles, and businessmen even during the war.“She became the mistress of a German officer and was then offered a spy job. But when the French discovered she was a spy, they proposed she become a double agent. Maybe it was because she had so much information, but after the war, she was no longer useful, so they just…”Tatiana mimicked a gun with her fingers and brought it to her temple. Bang, she mouthed the sound. Sasha, watching her, asked again,“She was executed?”“Yes, by firing squad.”The public had no idea what words and deals had transpired beneath her glamorous life. It was only through her public execution that her espionage activities came to light.“That’s why powerful people are scary… Who would have thought Mata Hari would end up like that overnight? Don’t speak or listen to nonsense. Of course, even if we hear something, we wouldn’t know if it’s confidential or not… Anyway, it’s better not to get too personally involved.”Sasha nodded with a pale face.“Don’t worry. People have eyes; they won’t expect you to be a spy. You don’t have the knack for it, nor the worldly knowledge or the capability to juggle multiple things.”“Are you insulting me?”“Aww.”Tatiana playfully pushed Sasha and then quickly got up and disappeared. Sasha chuckled and tightened his bandage again.＊ ＊ ＊The next season’s promotion was announced.Sasha’s name was still the only one listed as the sole male principal dancer. Whether it was thanks to Karel or his own skills, he didn’t know. In the past, Sasha would have confidently thought it was the latter, but now he hoped it was the former.‘What did Karel say to the director about me?’It didn’t matter how. Just imagining being mentioned by Karel made him happy. Sasha resolved to thank Karel the next time they met. But when that would be, he didn’t know… that was the problem. Waiting was not easy. Sasha waited anxiously but patiently for up to three weeks.However, after three weeks and another four days passed, his anxiety became unbearable.Eventually, Sasha found himself going to the director to ask.“Scar? No, he didn’t say much.”But the answer was disappointing.“I did meet him about a week ago for another matter…”“You met?”“Yes, but it was another deal. He keeps his business and patronage completely separate. There’s been no call yet, so just wait patiently.”Mikhail snickered, seemingly aware of Sasha’s visible dejection.“This is amazing! You’re completely hung up on him. You were indifferent to connections before, but now, because it’s a big shot, huh? What a world we live in.”“……”“If he contacts us, do you think I wouldn’t let you know? Now, get out.”Leaving the perplexed director, Sasha withdrew from the office.He hadn’t realized how tough waiting could be. Sasha wondered how he had lived without seeing Karel from the time Karel was imprisoned until now.It was when six weeks had passed without seeing Karel. Sasha heard ‘Scar’s’ name in a completely unexpected place.“Sasha? Do you have a moment?”Sasha turned around when he heard his name. He was just about to leave the practice room.“Gudin…”Sasha nodded while wiping sweat with a towel.‘Mikhail will promote Igor and Gudin to first soloists next season. Both are young and promising, so they’ll compete for the principal spot. But don’t worry. As long as I’m backing you, they won’t oust you.’Just as Karel had said, Gudin was appointed as the first soloist in this promotion. If Sasha hadn’t heard it from Karel, he would have been quite surprised, considering Gudin’s age—it was an overwhelmingly fast promotion. Sasha recalled the newspapers from the past week, which had been filled with Gudin’s name.Sasha knew the workings of this world well. A star isn’t born; they are made. Having talent is nice, but it’s not necessarily a big problem if you don’t. The director was now looking for the ballet company’s new face to replace Sasha. They had exploited Sasha’s exotic Russian image for a long time, and now they wanted someone more suited to the tastes of Paris’s upper class, someone who could soothe the post-war wounds—a sugar doll type. And the man in front of him was perfect for that.“I had something to ask. But it’s been hard to find a chance to talk to you…”“Oh… Go ahead.”Sasha responded, and Gudin blushed, his cheeks peach-colored. At only twenty-one, Gudin had the typical Slavic blonde hair and fair skin, with a good physique and proportions. He was half a head taller than Sasha.“Do you know Scar?”Sasha was internally taken aback by the mention of ‘Scar’ but nodded.“What kind of person is he? I heard he’s very gentlemanly…”“Yes, he is…”Why is he asking? Gudin, noticing the puzzled look in Sasha’s eyes, led him to a more secluded hallway.“Actually, I’ve been arranged to be sponsored by Scar. I usually hate such things, but… if he’s a noble and gentlemanly person, I thought it might be okay. Since you’re connected to him, I wanted to know more about him…”“…You’re arranged to be sponsored?”Sasha swallowed dryly as he asked. Gudin squinted his eyes and nodded.A hundred different assumptions swirled through Sasha’s mind. Meeting Karel? Who arranged it? Could it be that Karel himself requested it first? There was no guarantee that he would only deal with Sasha. However, Sasha didn’t want to imagine who else he might be meeting. He felt his vision blur.When his vision, which had suddenly gone black, returned, he saw Gudin looking down at him worriedly.“Sasha?”“Oh, I skipped lunch… I’m just a bit weak.”“Shall we sit down and talk?”Before the words were out of his mouth, Gudin tried to support Sasha by slipping his arm under Sasha’s armpit. Sasha refused, leaning against the wall.“I’m fine.”After a moment, Gudin spoke again.“I thought about this a lot. Whether it’s right to ask Sasha about this… but.”“I understand. You can’t ask anyone else.”At Sasha’s words, the young dancer nodded, looking as if he had been saved.Sasha tightly gripped the towel in his hand. He didn’t want to be jealous of a dancer much younger and with a bright future ahead. But recommending an affair with ‘Scar’ wasn’t something he could do. Sasha thought deeply about it many times, whether he disliked Karel bringing someone else into his bed or if he genuinely worried about the man in front of him.“He… is very calculating, so he’ll take as much as he gives you.”This part was undoubtedly true. Karel kept his promises. And he ‘used’ Sasha in the way he desired.“It’s not easy to endure. He is… um…”As Sasha struggled to continue, his ears turning red, Gudin asked,“I think I’m strong enough.”“No, but… Besides the physical difficulty, there are many shameful… ah!”As Sasha tried to speak as indirectly as possible with his head lowered, Gudin’s cold hand suddenly touched his ear. Startled by Gudin’s touch on the delicate cartilage of his ear, Sasha looked up, and Gudin immediately apologized.“Your ear was so red. I’m sorry.”“It’s fine. Anyway…”Sasha tried to forget the recent incident, thinking it was just a misunderstanding with no sexual nuance.“What do you want, Gudin?”“I want to be the principal dancer.”His confident tone, saying he coveted Sasha’s position, made Sasha laugh.“The most important thing is how you perform on stage, the kind of dance you do. Patronage comes after that.”“But! If I become the principal dancer at this age, I’ll be the first. It’ll be historic. Just a little bit of help…”“Gudin…”Sasha didn’t hide his disappointment. He knew many young dancers turned their eyes toward connections with the upper class, fame, and parties. Many had left the arduous life of a dancer to become muses for artists or playthings for wealthy businessmen, living a life of luxury.“I don’t recommend it.”“There are countless cases of dancers who didn’t make it to principal and left. I don’t intend to be one of them.”“You’re still young and have many opportunities ahead.”“But Sasha, didn’t you also seek a patron to maintain your position at the top?”Gudin stepped closer. The shadow of his taller frame fell over Sasha’s face as he realized he was now trapped between Gudin and the wall, making him very uneasy.“Sasha, I appreciate your concern for my future. But I don’t want to waste my youth in a rehearsal room, keeping unnecessary chastity. In the end, it’s all about using our bodies. If dancing is acceptable, why isn’t sex?”Gudin’s hands roamed Sasha’s waist with unmistakable sexual intent. When Gudin bit Sasha’s ear, Sasha shuddered and pushed him away.Lightly shoved, Gudin smiled sweetly again.“I wish our principal dancer’s heart was as soft as his body.”“You’re being rude… Don’t do this again.”“Haha!”Sasha quickly walked away.‘Selling my body to stay on top?’ He wanted to flatly deny it, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about his past with ‘Karel’ rather than ‘Scar’. He was involved with Karel to regain his love and attention, not to extend his career as a dancer.Eight weeks since their last meeting, and still no contact from Karel.During that time, Sasha couldn’t sleep easily, tossing and turning with various thoughts. He wondered about the life of ‘Scar’ that he didn’t know. What did he do during his waking hours? Who did he meet? Did he smile kindly at someone like he used to?He was also curious about how Karel embraced his lovers. Naturally, he thought of the way Karel used to caress and hold him. Sometimes, Sasha would touch himself, remembering those moments.Sometimes, he would get up in the middle of the night, seized by the urge to run to Karel’s house. If he had lost just a bit more self-control or been under the influence of drugs, he might have done it. But ever since Levin’s reprimand, Sasha had stayed away from drugs and even alcohol. Instead, whenever he felt lonely, he calmed himself by looking at Charles, who always smiled at him.Then, after eight weeks and one day, Sasha finally received a summons from ‘Scar.’Unlike usual, Karel didn’t send a carriage. As the appointed time approached and no carriage arrived, Sasha became anxious and called for a hired carriage himself. Even then, he didn’t think anything was wrong. He was only worried that the carriage might not arrive on time.The location Mikhail had given him was not the old castle from before but a two-story house in the suburbs. It was also the place where he had been turned away by a secretary and waited for hours at the door. As he rode along the Seine River crossing the city, Sasha felt his heart gradually start to race. He thought of the white mansion with the shadow of the birch trees. He was excited to enter the space Karel had permitted.After realizing love, there was no time that wasn’t precious. Sasha never knew before how exciting it could be to go meet someone.At this moment, Sasha realized a very simple truth about love. Karel had no lingering regrets because he had poured out his love without any reservations, whereas Sasha was full of regrets because he hadn’t done the same.‘Why do I always realize things so late?’Sasha remembered that Levin had said something similar to him. But Levin also told him this:‘If you regret it, just make sure you don’t make the same mistake a second time.’So from now on, don’t make any mistakes, Sasha resolved.Sasha arrived at the mansion five minutes past the appointed time. As soon as he paid the fare, he jumped out of the carriage and rang the doorbell. Impatiently waiting, unable to stand still, Georg opened the door.‘This man is always wherever Karel is.’Thinking this, Sasha followed Georg.“Is Karel inside?”“He is in the bedroom on the second floor.”“……”Feeling embarrassed to be led straight to the bedroom, Sasha followed him up the stairs. Georg stopped in front of the door and spoke to Sasha.“Please, go inside.”Sasha nodded and carefully opened the door. Instead of following him in, Georg closed the door from the outside as soon as Sasha entered.Sasha heard the sound of the door closing completely behind him. He looked around the quiet room. It felt cozy, decorated with dark wood and calm tapestries.Karel was sitting at the desk.No, he was asleep, leaning against the chair.Drawn to him as if in a trance, Sasha approached.Karel was reclining comfortably with his head slightly tilted back, looking so peaceful that he seemed to be simply resting with his eyes closed rather than asleep. His ivory vest was neatly dressed, a navy silk tie loosely knotted, and his gloved long fingers were gently clasped over his stomach. Sasha felt a pang of longing. Karel had always slept very gracefully.“Karel.”He quietly called his name, but there was no response.“Karel?”He called a bit louder, but still no response. ‘He must really be asleep.’ Swallowing dryly, Sasha walked past the desk and approached him.Karel was sleeping just within reach. Sasha took another step closer. Now Karel’s face was just below his. If he lowered his head, he could kiss him.Sasha touched the scar on his cheek with his fingertips. Despite the ticklish sensation, Karel did not wake. Gaining a bit more courage, Sasha placed his whole palm against his cheek. The firm jaw and solid neck radiated a comforting warmth. Sasha steadied his trembling hand and lowered his head.The moment their dry lips touched was so sweet that it made him dizzy.Sasha carefully licked Karel’s lips. He bit and sucked on the lower lip. Though Karel’s lips remained closed, not allowing his tongue in, just feeling his breath through his nose as he pressed his lips against his was enough to make him feel euphoric.How much time had passed? When Sasha opened his eyes after the stolen kiss, he saw green eyes in his vision. And the amber flecks that adorned those eyes.Sasha was momentarily entranced by the beautiful color of the irises. The light pouring through the well-lit bedroom highlighted Karel’s eyelashes in a golden glow.‘…When did he wake up?’Sasha hurriedly tried to stand up. But Karel was quicker, grabbing Sasha’s tie. With the pressure tightening around his neck, Sasha coughed, and Karel spoke in a voice that was soft but piercingly sharp.“What kind of trick is this?”Karel’s voice was gentle but simultaneously sharp. Sasha, overwhelmed with the desire to flee, twisted his body. But as long as Karel held his tie, he couldn’t escape. Sasha barely managed to speak in a small, trembling voice.“I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep…”“Who let you in?”“The secretary…”Then Karel finally let go of Sasha. Sasha quickly stepped back. Karel, perhaps genuinely having been napping, pressed his fingers against his temples to shake off the sleep.“No, what I mean is.”He poured himself a glass of water. Sasha, feeling inexplicably thirsty, watched the water glass longingly. He, too, wanted a drink of water.“I didn’t summon you. Why are you here?”“What?”Now Sasha wanted to ask. He really needed that glass of water.Before Sasha could ask again, Karel called out towards the door.“Georg!”Georg promptly entered the room as if he had been waiting just outside.“Did you call for me?”“Did I tell you to bring Sasha Sedrin here?”After a moment of silence, Georg exclaimed, “Ah!” His face turned pale.“I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”Sasha, standing between Karel and Georg, still didn’t understand the situation. The tension between Georg and Karel made it clear that something was wrong.Karel adjusted his loosened tie and spoke.Mata Hari, born Margaretha Geertruida Zelle on August 7, 1876, in Leeuwarden, Netherlands, was an exotic dancer and courtesan who became infamous as a spy during World War I. She initially gained fame for her provocative and sensuous dance performances, adopting the stage name Mata Hari, which means "Eye of the Day" in Malay.Her life took a dramatic turn when she was accused of being a double agent, working for both the French and the Germans. In 1917, she was arrested by French authorities, tried, and convicted of espionage. Mata Hari was executed by firing squad on October 15, 1917.